Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

I would definitely think the invitation had gone astray if I'd received a save the date!

But wouldn't they have asked for the RSVP??

I wouldn't ask for an RSVP.

Bit needy. If they don't RSVP they're not coming. Be cringeworthy to chase it.

I wouldn't send any cards or gifts tbh, and that friendship would be ended but I can be a blunt person and although I can keep my mouth I can also take a hint and move on, or stand up for myself depending on circumstances.

In response to the "meet on the other side" cheesiness I would give some thought to that. Considering what role do you want "on the other side" then polite is good and keep it light and airy if you wish to maintain this level of friendship. If you don't wish for the acquaintance/friendship anymore and think it has run it course then it is, despite what other people think, OK to not let oneself be stepped on like that and still maintain the dignity to keep ones head up high. "Thank you for that but I have considered a few things and therefor wishing you and your darling abc the very best for the future. There is something in the words and action which has me realized that there is a change which I have taken aboard and with this I wish you all the best. Best wishes, Backto" - remove/block/delete. Done.

Some people are not worth your time, your grief or your heartache and as much as it hurts it is best to say your piece. The quickest way to move on is to confront the person as you will then know more to what is going on and why making a more informed choice in whether to move on or continue the friendship as it stands. Nothing keeps a confusing situation more alive then the unknown factors. But then again is it worth the hassle, which is up to you alone.

Wow rhodabull that exact same thing happened to me.

One of my v close pals who I went out with every week and spent tons of time with - went over to her new flat and her bookcase had photo collages of all these women. So each female friend had their own collage if you know what I mean.

Not a single photo of me.

After that I took a step back. I realised whilst she was in my Top 3, I was only in her Top 10. So I consciously downgraded her to Top 10 and stopped expecting a damn thing from her.

When I got married, I gave her an evening invite!

Oddly enough, 20 years later we're still pals and meet for coffee quite a bit. Her life has become a lot smaller as all those women went their separate ways. But I'm still wary of making her too important in my life.

This is one of the reasons I don't do Facebook.........what you don't know, can't hurt you! Am I right?

If you sent an unkind message it could really take the edge off her day - would you really want that? You are clearly sensitive, you have been casual friends with this woman so I assume she is not as hard as nails either, so trying to hurt her wouldn't be right - it wouldn't be right whatever she was like. I think it's a good idea to send a congrats/good luck for the big day message and then you would really know if your invitation had been lost. If you have been left out deliberately then at some point in the future you could say you were a bit surprised and see what she has to say.

what to do? Stay home and do something else. Weddings are hard. "Uncle Bobby and Aunt Maggie need to come if cousin James is going etc etc". Cut her some slack. Just get over it. Real friends don't fall out over wedding invites, received or not received.

This is one of the reasons I don't do Facebook.........what you don't know, can't hurt you! Am I right?

AGREE!!!!!

She can invite or not invite who she likes but if you are friends it does sound very odd that she hasn't. I don't think you're being a bitch so ignore the ridiculous comments. Hold your head up and accept she's not really a friend or at least doesn't consider you a close friend if she hasn't invited you.

I can see why you're hurt OP, I would be too given that this is a long lasting friendship and someone to whom you considered yourself to be quite close. However, I really think that any pointed remarks on facebook, or even explaining to her that you are hurt not to be invited is just going to make you look like a fool. You say that you're done with narcissists in your life, but by expecting her to explain why you weren't invited to her wedding (and I can't see why else you would bother telling her you were hurt by it), you will come across as one yourself. I don't think you are one at all, it's clear you are really hurt (rightly so), but I think you will come across that way however you phrase it. It's her wedding, she can invite or not invite who she likes - from the tone of her messages, it doesn't sound like she considers the friendship too deep but I don't think that makes her in the wrong necessarily. Sometimes people do have entirely different perceptions of the strength of friendships and whilst I would be as hurt as you are to find out that I had been putting more into a friendship than the other person, I really wouldn't make myself look bitter by commenting on it. If you want to end the friendship, end it. Otherwise, just accept that it isn't as important to her as it is to you, don't invest as much time/energy into the friendship and leave it at that.

Oh it hurts when you have been left out. Maybe you were a kinder friend....just distance yourself, blend into the background. Spend your time and energy with true friends. Big hugs to you.

Why don't you do what my ex friend did? Turn up anyway and try to pass drugs around and when you get ignored go home?!? It's hard I feel for you but ultimately it's her choice

Oh it hurts when you have been left out. Maybe you were a kinder friend....just distance yourself, blend into the background. Spend your time and energy with true friends. Big hugs to you.

Only 75% of snail mail arrives in the post. Have you actually tried calling her and finding out if she intended an invite?

Don't go for the pointed comment. Likely you'll regret it after you do.

Plus weddings are hard. So much tension. If you really like this person don't add to her stress.

Also - you never know what's going on in someone's life. Maybe her husband to be has a crush on you?? Maybe she feels threatened. Maybe there's another reason you're not invited.

Send a message of congratulations wholeheartedly.
Feel good taking the high road and acting the way you would want someone to act if the tables were turned.

Don't feel bad for feeling bad, OP. It sounds a bit rubbish and you have my sympathies! If I were you I'd be licking my wounds too.

hmm,

time to speed up the whole moving on process a bit now perhaps?

I'm sure there are people you'd have liked to invite to your own wedding, etc,etc, and you'd laugh at them if they sent you little hurt messages.....

By now I hope you realise there is nothing more you can say or do that will reflect well on you.

id just delete her from facebook and not bother with her anymore. At least youre saved the hell that is other peoples weddings

It may not be a small wedding but there may still be a numbers limit. When I got married we weren't allowed more than 100 people in the venue due to fire regs.

Dh had a load of cousins and aunts/uncles, cousins kids which took up a huge chunk of numbers allowed.

Oh for heaven's sake don't write a snotty reply. You will look pathetic. Just ignore it, do something really nice on the day and post a Facebook picture of you and your family having a lovely time- as if you are totally unaware the wedding is even that day. It doesn't matter. You haven't seen her for 3 months. You'll save on the outfit, present and all the rest of the crap that goes with attending weddings. Treat youselves with that money instead. Move on.

Don't be petty.

Text them Good Luck.

My second cousin never invited me to her wedding then unfriended me. There's not much you can do about it. Don't be mean just ignore it.

It happened to me too. I was really upset as I was a good friend. The relationship took a back seat after that x

Don't comment. You aren't her best friend although a friend. She can't invite everyone and although it's a 'woodland' wedding she will still need to have some restriction on numbers. Don't read too much into it and I'm sure it's not personal.