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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

433 replies

backtothegrindstone · 27/09/2016 15:30

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 28/09/2016 13:02

RockIn's reply does make a clear point- but be absolutely sure that it isn't a small/intimate wedding before sending such a message. As I said previously, if she cared, she would have explained herself sooner, telling her 'how you feel' may be cathartic but prepare to be hurt further when she doesn't reply/see fault in herself.

PrivatePike · 28/09/2016 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EssentialHummus · 28/09/2016 13:07

I'm still on the side of saying nothing for now. Then if this excuse for a friend gets in touch to suggest a coffee/playdate/whatever, I'd give a very straight response: "X, to be honest, I was deeply hurt when you didn't include me and MrMe in your wedding celebration, so no, I'm not available for a coffee. That isn't how I treat my friends."

bumsexatthebingo · 28/09/2016 13:08

I think if you really need to say something I'd say that to be honest you had expected to be invited and would have loved to share her day but you wish her all the best all the same. Then you might get an answer as to whether you have offended her or it's a small wedding or she doesn't consider you that close etc. I wouldn't say anything nasty - no-one is owed a wedding invitation.

ElspethFlashman · 28/09/2016 13:16

I don't know if I'd have the balls to respond. I'd be so afraid of looking petty.

But if I did gain some courage, I think I'd just reply with immense dignified passive agressive finality.

Like "I will leave that up to you. I wish you both well, both this weekend and in the future. My best to your family".

It may be too subtle to filter through her self absorption but at least there's nothing in it that anyone can say is snotty so she'd have a job portraying you as the bad guy.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 28/09/2016 13:16

I don't think you can say 'no need for false pleasantries' and then say 'enjoy your wedding', when you clearly don't like her!

I find it hard to put myself in the place of someone who feels they ought to be invited to things. I often wish I was, and feel sad and disappointed when I'm not, but I always assume that it's down to me - I'm not a close enough friend, not interesting enough, not easy enough to be with, whatever, and hope that I'll be able to change it. I know that's low self-esteem talking, but I'm always still surprised when people are so sure of their places in others' lives that they deserve invitations, and that someone else is being a bitch/cow/bridezilla etc when they don't invite them, and don't grovel about it. When I wasn't invited to a friend's recent wedding, and hoped I might be - I realised we weren't close enough. I was a bit hurt and sad, as I thought we'd been closer than that, and closer than some who had gone, but clearly not. She does have zillions of friends from different walks of life. I sent a card and wished her well, and she thanked me - no mention of why I wasn't invited, and I woudln't have expected there to be - why should she apologise or anything for something that was clearly the right decision for her? I doubt she even realised I felt hurt, not because she is a bitch, but because it was just a normal thing for her to have invited those who she was closest to, and she didn't see me in that category, or realise that I thought I was closer. And it could be the same with the OP's friend. People have very different views on how close someone is in their life, and she might have thought that the OP quite ordinarily accepted the fact that she wasn't close and wasn't invited, and genuinely thought she was wishing her well - see you on the other side is just the sort of thing you might say to someone you liked, but weren't super-close to.

If you dislike her enough that this is the end of the friendship anyway, then it doesn't sound much like you'd actually want to be there for her, so I guess in some ways it doesn't really matter. If you do honestly like her and want to be closer in her life, why not wish her well, be interested in the wedding and photos, and then work on the friendship longer term and see if it's going anywhere?

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, hugely, to find out that you aren't as important in someone's life as you thought. But it doesn't make that person heartless or stone cold or bridezilla for not realising it. She might have equivalent relationships with lots of people, and see them in a different light, more like acquantainces that she sees every few months. Even if they invited her to events, it doesn't mean that she sees them as particularly close in the same way.

Be sad, be disappointed, but try not to be bitter, I think, if you can.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2016 13:16

I'd just bin her entirely and move on.

Andbabymakesthree · 28/09/2016 13:26

Yes it hurts not least when it's your best friend of 25 who did the ditching for no apparent reason!

Remain dignified. I couldn't bear to send a card but I did. She further compounded her ditching by announcing birth of her baby a few months later and again sent card and present with note saying let me know when you first visitors. Spent about two years being sad. Now I feel angry with her and there is no way back.

Bagina · 28/09/2016 13:28

I was in a similar situation last year. I was upset at no invite and just kept different scenarios buzzing round my head. Should I say this? Should I say that? Should I say anything? In the end I thought that all I really wanted to say was, "why didn't you invite me?", so I did. I got my response (don't want to put too much on here) and it was dealt with. You'll drive yourself mad if you don't ask. You've nothing to lose, not even your dignity, if you just ask "why didn't you invite me?".

bumsexatthebingo · 28/09/2016 13:32

What was the reason Bagina ?

PrivatePike · 28/09/2016 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bagina · 28/09/2016 13:42

To be vague: family politics that it was easier for her not to stand up to. Plus, she really didn't think I'd be bothered about not going Hmm. But it was absolutely the right thing to ask the question in a direct and emotionless manner.

biggles50 · 28/09/2016 14:06

Haven't read through all the replies so apologies if this is a repeat of other suggestions. You sound very hurt and rightly so but please don't write anything that can't be unsaid. I'd be inclined to ring or text. Hi friend hope all is going well with wedding plans, even though I'm not coming I'd still like to buy you a gift. Have you any ideas? Or just cash which might be more appreciated? This way if the invite has been lost she's going to ask why you're not coming. If you're not invited it looks as if you're not that bothered. If you aren't invited buy her a present and block her news feed on fb. I'm very sorry it must be a horrible feeling for you.

biggles50 · 28/09/2016 14:19

Reminds me of when my brother to whom I'm very close and his wife had their first child. I was convinced I'd be godmother right religion and only sister out of my family and sis in law's family. Even on the day I was so hoping they'd ask me. No the godmother was sis in law's brother's new girlfriend. They'd only been together two months. I remember being so hurt I could hardly breath at the service. That was 33 years ago and I'm totally over it. :)

EssentialHummus · 28/09/2016 14:23

biggles - missing the point completely, but are SIL's bro and "new" girlfriend still together??

RhodaBull · 28/09/2016 15:01

What Crotchet said. You can't ask why you're not invited to something!

I have experienced a few moments where you get that awful hot, sinking feeling of humiliation when you realise that you are not as important to someone as you imagined. One time was when I went to see a very, very good friend at her new flat, and saw a photo frame bearing the legend "The women in my life" (yes, it was naff!). There were eight positions and I wasn't in it Sad . I was really hurt, but didn't say anything. Another time was when my best friend got married and didn't invite me, saying it was only family, but I saw a photo and there were a couple of trendy people there she'd met literally a few months previously at work. (She never saw them again when she changed jobs.) Again I said nothing, but it was noted. Perhaps I just know awful people!

Alwayschanging1 · 28/09/2016 15:15

I think you need to ask. If you don't, thinking you are a second-class friend will always be hanging over you every time you meet - so the friendship is toast anyway. But if you do ask, you might get an answer you can live with or at least enough insight that you can lay all this to rest.

You could call or send a text along the lines of:
" Good luck on the big day - I will be thinking of you. Do you mind if I ask why I wasn't invited? I'm hoping I have not done anything to upset you."

nelipotter · 28/09/2016 15:15

I was not invited to a ceremony not so long ago. It was someone who I felt I had a deep and long lasting relationship with. I was quite hurt, but what can you do. I was polite and said my congratulation. I have noticed that since though, our friendship has drifted a lot. You don't need to sut them off aggressively , they'll likely fade away anyway

Roussette · 28/09/2016 16:04

I wouldn't ask in a million years. It would be demeaning myself AFAIC. Bride has made her choice, end of. However, that doesn't mean I would just accept it like nothing has happened. I would disengage.

RhodaBull · 28/09/2016 16:15

"Dignity, always dignity!" Very important quote from Singin' in the Rain.

I agree with others - best to quietly disengage. By not inviting OP to her wedding it looks as if bride is disengaging anyway.

havalina1 · 28/09/2016 16:22

I'll tell you a weird one. I was invited to a hen, but not the wedding of a friend and work colleague. I was given no explanation as to why I was there - I went - but I felt like a complete lemon. Bride didn't acknowledge this anomaly in any way!

I like the girl but I took a big step back after that. Friendship now over. I was hurt by the non invite plus the embarrassment of attending her hen!

Thomisa · 28/09/2016 16:33

Hope you're ok OP. I'd be really hurt too. I once got a save the date but no invitation... I saved the date right up until the week before. Luckily I hadn't turned down anything else.

Dulcimena · 28/09/2016 16:44

I actually agree with PPs in this situation about taking the high road, being dignified, graceful and gracious, but I do wonder if it's this attitude that allows people to behave unkindly and insensitively. If it were considered more acceptable to pull people up on things, they might be less likely to happen in the first place. As it is, people seem to work on the basis that they'll get away with it because the wronged party will probably not make a fuss. Some of the stories on this thread have been sad to read.

wobblywonderwoman · 28/09/2016 16:45

This I'd just awful

Love the dignity quote - you are a good person op

Flowers
BreakfastLunchPasta · 28/09/2016 17:02

I'd be hurt too, op.
And so-called friend's "see you on the other side" makes me want to puke. So breezy and presumptuous..oh it's so dull, I have to do this silly wedding thing, but I know you'll be waiting for me, like an obedient puppy.
Don't make any decisions about it now, wait and see how you feel about the friendship in a few months. But ffs don't send any cards or presents

Biggles I too need to know if bil is still with the gf!

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