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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest wants to do loads of after school activities but I am on my own and have two younger DCs.

164 replies

DuckingAunts · 26/09/2016 14:14

DSC is 9, DC1 is 3 and DC2 is a newborn.

DH works long hours with a crazy commute and often isn't home until 7.30/8. I'm on mat leave so all running around/school and nursery pick ups/drop offs are done by me.

DSC is with us two weekdays every week and EOW.

On one of the weekday evenings DSC does an after school activity which, tbh is a logistical ball ache with the two younger ones. And that's with it just being walking distance away.

The activity they want to do on the second evening is a car journey and will involve shuttling the two littler ones back and forth at a time of day when they're tired, hungry and at their worst.

WIBU to just say no to the second activity? I know if I don't facilitate it, DSCs mum won't, so it means DSC won't end up doing it. But I just feel like two nights in a row is too much on my plate and not really fair on the younger two, who would ideally be in bed when it would be time to pick up DSC. AIBU?

No local family who can help BTW. And I just don't know anyone round here well enough yet to ask them for that kind of favour.

OP posts:
Monochromecat · 27/09/2016 11:05

The op asked for opinions Cozy. And not just yours.

KERALA1 · 27/09/2016 11:18

Its all very well replying when you have babies and tiny pre school kids and the idea of going out at that time fills you with horror. But when your kids get to that age (7- 10 ish) you may see it slightly differently. They aren't able to get themselves to places and often get such alot out of these clubs and activities, few of which are available in school time in our age of education budget slashes. It is the age when they are often super enthusiastic and if they are properly good at something, the right age to start doing it. It can be abit late when they start secondary (certainly for me I "missed the boat" with playing an instrument and don't want my dds to make that mistake).

Not saying what is right or wrong in the OPs case but if my child showed a genuine interest in something I would put myself out financially and logistically to try to make it happen.

CozyAutumn · 27/09/2016 11:41

I know that so people are bound to disagree. I don't think the OP should just get on with it, as you so bluntly put it.

Aworldofmyown · 27/09/2016 11:44

To do everything they ask kerala? Without question?

My eldest is ten so I have experience with an older child too, over the years he has done guitar lessons, karate, rugby, swimming, beavers as has my daughter who is seven.

Not all at the same time and they had to choose which one they wanted to give up if they wanted to start a new one.

Putting myself out financially? Some people don't have that luxury. Guitar lessons were £12 a week, swimming £9 a week, Beavers £3, Dancing £3 times that by two children (ignoring the third for a moment) in a month thats a bloody lot of money. Just not possible.

Bobochic · 27/09/2016 12:08

Putting yourself out for your own child is one thing, putting yourself out for a stepchild is another.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2016 12:09

Putting yourself out for your own child is one thing, putting yourself out for a stepchild is another

that's so depressing that you said that

KERALA1 · 27/09/2016 13:25

Obviously everyone has their own personal and financial limits. But personally I would do all I could to facilitate a genuine enthusiasm. You know your own child though - if they are an over enthusiastic flitter or a focussed sort would affect my decision.

I am impressed by various friends whose children are properly good at stuff - they train numerous times a week, weekend meet ups. Takes up stacks of parental time and money. Luckily mine are resolutely mediocre Grin

Monochromecat · 27/09/2016 13:46

Cozy, this is AIBU. People don't usually sugar coat their opinion and throw in a 'hun'.

teatowel · 27/09/2016 13:46

"Its fine if in 9 years time the youngest sibling is limited to the number of clubs they can do. "

You may think its"shit" Jen I don't because my extremely talented ,sporty sister was not able to do the thing she loved because my parents chose not to take younger children out later. Yet when the younger children got to the same age they did all kinds of things. However old you get that rankles. I made very sure my children got the same opportunities where ever their place in the family. My new borns were wrapped up and taken where ever we needed to go. Children need to see fairness and to be treated fairly.

puglife15 · 27/09/2016 13:46

that's so depressing that you said that

Isn't it more depressing that the child's own mum CBA to take him an activity?

KERALA1 · 27/09/2016 13:54

Back to back brownies/freestyle disco/guides tonight

Monochromecat · 27/09/2016 13:55

Pug file. Op had said that she agreed with her husband that she would take on additional parental responsibilities to enable him to take the job earning a lot more money. So that means SHE has agreed to take this role which is fine and usual in blended families. But she's now not prepared to do all that it entails and we are left with the sneaky suspicion (flame away) that she WOULD do this for her own kids as the distinction between the two has been made clear from the start.

PoohBearsHole · 27/09/2016 13:58

It seems that DSC only appears to do activities on your contact nights Hmm I would suggest that the younger siblings would love to spend time with DSC because they love him so much and that perhaps he could do it on a Mums day and make her tell him no!

CozyAutumn · 27/09/2016 14:00

People have their limits mono- Parents and stepparents. The OP's limit is one activity for the time being. She's doing enough to honour the arrangement between her and her husband so he can earn more money.

MoreCoffeeNow · 27/09/2016 14:01

But she's now not prepared to do all that it entails and we are left with the sneaky suspicion (flame away) that she WOULD do this for her own kids as the distinction between the two has been made clear from the start.

No we aren't. Massive assumption and very bitchy.

CozyAutumn · 27/09/2016 14:04

There has been no distinction. Someone asked the OP up thread what if the child was her biological child. Her answer was it would be the same for now, exactly the same as for her dsc.

THirdEeye · 27/09/2016 14:04

Mono

Where exactly has the OP implied this...?

The OP has a new born and a three year old. The new born maybe feeding every two hours etc and most probably the three year old is sleeping when this activity finishes. Is she supposed to cut herself in two? The DSC mother CBA to drop/pick up their own DC at this activity.

Like I said previously, a compromise would be to organise this activity during the school holidays (if it can be), or organise CC for the younger two (when baby gets older) so that the OP can facilitate this activity (if they decide this is the right thing to do)

minipie · 27/09/2016 14:08

^And in a 3 child family, with one quite a lot older, the younger ones do have to hang about sometimes. It's called family life.

Equally, the older one has to miss out sometimes for the exact same reason.^

Exactly this. There are swings and roundabouts. DSC gets to have the benefit of having siblings. The downside is he can't do things which clash with their bedtime. The younger two will have similar compromises.

It is not at all unreasonable to refuse to do a pick up at 7.30pm with a 3 year old and a newborn! Many 3yos are in bed at that time and the newborn may be more flexible now but soon will be an older baby and will need to be in bed earlier too.

Cakeycakecake · 27/09/2016 14:14

Oh yanbu op.
Stick with your decision. I have a three year old who is in bed by 6 every night. If I kept him up til 7.30 he'd be an emotional wreck, a nightmare to get to sleep and we'd suffer the next day too.
Dsc does one activity, if he does one on both days your kids won't see dc anyway, let him have the time with you as a family

FeralBeryl · 27/09/2016 14:22

It sounds like it's the 7.30 collecting that would be the ball ache for you (completely agree!) do you have a lovely neighbour/ local responsible teenager who you could book for 20 mins on the evening to literally sit in your house while you collect him?

Or if DH's salary has improved drastically-could you arrange with a local taxi firm for the same driver (who you could meet first) to collect him and bring him home each week?

You aren't to feel guilty either way though-you have a lot going on, 6.30-7.30 is known as Shithead O'Clock in my house. They all turn completely feral and the thought of wrestling them into the car on winter nights brings tears to my eyes.

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2016 14:23

"Putting yourself out for your own child is one thing, putting yourself out for a stepchild is another."

Wow. Just wow.

Monochromecat · 27/09/2016 14:34

More - bitchy?? I'm really, really sensitive to the needs of stepchildren and very aware of their perception and interpretation of roles in blended families. I've supported enough of them over the last 20 years. And their stories often follow similar themes, as does their distress.

Original poster
DuckingAunts · 27/09/2016 14:42

6.30-7.30 is known as Shithead O'Clock in my house

So true. It's the absolute worst time of the day. I hate it.

OP posts:
Bobochic · 27/09/2016 14:57

You are such a hypocrite, Bertrand, constantly having a go at anyone who is upfront about the moral and legal requirement to take parental responsibility seriously.

CozyAutumn · 27/09/2016 14:59

I think you're overthinking it on this one though mono. Just because he doesn't get to do this activity straight away, doesn't mean he's going to be distressed or damaged. You can't apply your 20 years of experience to every single stepchild you hear about. And like I keep mentioning, children up and down the country who aren't stepchildren won't get to do an activity when they want to do it.