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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest wants to do loads of after school activities but I am on my own and have two younger DCs.

164 replies

DuckingAunts · 26/09/2016 14:14

DSC is 9, DC1 is 3 and DC2 is a newborn.

DH works long hours with a crazy commute and often isn't home until 7.30/8. I'm on mat leave so all running around/school and nursery pick ups/drop offs are done by me.

DSC is with us two weekdays every week and EOW.

On one of the weekday evenings DSC does an after school activity which, tbh is a logistical ball ache with the two younger ones. And that's with it just being walking distance away.

The activity they want to do on the second evening is a car journey and will involve shuttling the two littler ones back and forth at a time of day when they're tired, hungry and at their worst.

WIBU to just say no to the second activity? I know if I don't facilitate it, DSCs mum won't, so it means DSC won't end up doing it. But I just feel like two nights in a row is too much on my plate and not really fair on the younger two, who would ideally be in bed when it would be time to pick up DSC. AIBU?

No local family who can help BTW. And I just don't know anyone round here well enough yet to ask them for that kind of favour.

OP posts:
teatowel · 26/09/2016 23:22

Putting aside the step part of the problem, its fine if in 9 years time the youngest sibling is limited to the number of clubs they can do. It sounds petty I suppose. However my nearest sister and I still feel aggrieved at the opportunities my two younger siblings had. We couldn't join several things because they were young but lo and behold when it was their turn they could do it all.

Fiona80 · 27/09/2016 04:53

My DD age 6 only does after school activities at the school so pick her up later, so no pick n drop. She has been asking to do others in the evening but not possible with 2 and 3 year old kids. There is only so much running around I can do.

Believeitornot · 27/09/2016 06:22

You're making assumptions about his mum. Why not ask her? She might do it and maybe you need to tweak the arrangement.
Also your dh may be able to tweak his hours - he can only ask and they say no, worst case scenario.

IceTippedMountains · 27/09/2016 06:29

I wouldn't do it tbh (step or not) with a newborn, I also think it should be up to the bio parents, not just you - I really do not think you need to explain why OP.

That said, I would reconsider come the spring if SC is still desperate to do said activity and this is when the newborn is older and warmer weather etc.

DS1 is 6yo and DS2 is 3yo, the DS1 has a limit of two activities per week because it is just not fair on DS2 to have his routine disrupted etc and be dragged around to various fixtures at least until he starts school as well.

Believeitornot · 27/09/2016 06:32

I have just noticed the title which says he wants to do loads. It's just one more!
Honestly, ask your dh and get him to ask dcs'mum.

user1474781546 · 27/09/2016 06:42

I feel sorry for the kid.

Why isn't one of his parents taking him?

One of my kids does 15 hours of extra curricular activity a week, so no I don't think two hours is much at all.

ExplodingIceberg · 27/09/2016 06:49

I don't think 2 activities are loads, especially if one is a sport. I spend last year ferrying DS to 3 activities, and DD had to come and sit and wait for an hour at a time. Yes, it was tedious for her, but that's life. I have cut back to two activities this year though, so we have an afternoon at home during the week.

You say the pick up is at 730, do you have to stay there, or can you drop, go home, feed and get toddler ready for bed and let them fall asleep in the car/buggy and transfer once you get in. (This would have worked with one of mine, but probably not the other!). Or could you bath before the activity, then feed toddler whilst you're waiting and brush teeth there before the journey home?

I can totally understand not wanting to do it now with a newborn, could you look into DSC starting in January?

I think the whole step/bio thing is a red herring, if you want your DSC to feel part of your family then it shouldn't be relevant. Is there a possibility to do the activity on more than one night? Has your DSC asked for this activity/night because s/he knows mum will never get around to taking him/her there?

If your DH isn't home til 730, then can you take DSC there and he pick up on the way home?

user1474781546 · 27/09/2016 06:55

I know if I don't facilitate it, DSCs mum won't,

This is up to the parents of the child to sort out between them.

aussiecita · 27/09/2016 06:59

Why should your oldest miss out on opportunities that the youngest ones are very likely to have one day? They shouldn't miss out just because you chose to have subsequent children.

Nobody's saying you should have to do it all yourself - but even if your husband can't, then you have other options.

If your family has now doubled its income, at the cost of your husband's available time to be a hands-on parent, then you should be able to pay for childcare assistance to facilitate the nine year old's activities. (Whether that's having someone look after the younger two, or pick up the older one).

Monochromecat · 27/09/2016 07:03

Just seen your latest update. So you did sgree with your DH that you would assume some parenting role/responsibility/whatever you call it so that he could 'take his golden opportunity'. In that case as I originally said, step up and get in with it. Yes, at 9 years plus this will usually involve driving them to things. if you've changed your mind, your husband needs to change his job and you take the hit of returning to a reduced salary.
Sounds like the kid isn't benefiting from the increased income anyway.

Original poster
DuckingAunts · 27/09/2016 07:08

Sounds like the kid isn't benefiting from the increased income anyway

No? We've got a bigger house now and said kid now has their own bedroom and a garden.

Anyway, I've decided I'm not going to do it now and will revisit in the new year.

OP posts:
THirdEeye · 27/09/2016 07:10

How many activities does your DSC actually do in one week?

I ask, because if they only do the two on your DH contact days I think it is unfair. You have two very young children to also consider here. For all those saying you are being YABU, maybe the newborn feeds every two hours....maybe the baby doesn't sleep and maybe the OP is still recovering from the birth! She is not being unreasonable to say she will only collect once.

IMO, I would limit to doing one and then let the DSC parents organise their child getting to/from the activity. Maybe use childcare, maybe your DH needs to finish work early to facilitate?

THirdEeye · 27/09/2016 07:17

OP when my DD was three, she was a sleep by 7pm! Collecting at 7.30pm, to then begin bedtime (even if you had bathed the two youngest before) after this...just wouldn't work.

As an alternative, could the DSC do a similar activity during the school holidays? So even though they can't do it during term time, they would be able to do it (or something similar or diffence of their choosing) during the day in the holidays?

THirdEeye · 27/09/2016 07:18

or different

neonrainbow · 27/09/2016 07:35

Good on you op. It's not up to you to take him to something his own mother wouldn't be arsed to take him to. After school activities aren't essential after all. He already does one that you're kind enough to take him to.

MissDuke · 27/09/2016 07:37

Op I would have said no to my own eldest in these circumstances and found a more suitable alternative. You need to do right by the whole family and dragging a tired toddler out well after their usual bedtime is unfair. YANBU to wait and review in the new year.

user1474781546 · 27/09/2016 07:43

neonrainbow- but the father doesn't take him either. Is he excused such duties?

Believeitornot · 27/09/2016 07:47

All very well to say no but have you actually asked his mum if she will? And explained why you can't?

Otherwise you haven't explored all options.

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2016 08:11

"
neonrainbow- but the father doesn't take him either. Is he excused such duties?"

Well he is if he is a "crazy commute" away and in a new, demanding job........

Only1scoop · 27/09/2016 08:38

Good call Op

Bobochic · 27/09/2016 09:02

No need to feel guilty, OP. You have given your DSC two siblings - that is itself is worth loads of EC activities!

JenLindleyShitMom · 27/09/2016 09:29

its fine if in 9 years time the youngest sibling is limited to the number of clubs they can do. It sounds petty I suppose.

Ignore this shit^

Aworldofmyown · 27/09/2016 09:40

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous and would absolutely not be thrown around if the OP wasn't talking about a step child.

My DS and DD often come to me asking to do a new club or new hobby, I can't and won't do them all.

A. the cost of all these clubs would be astronomical.
B. I have a 17 month old and it is a logistical nightmare.

I talk to my DC, explain about the cost and the time issue and ask them to choose between the clubs they want to go to. Its a good life skill to understand you can't always do and have what you want - regardless of being a step or biological child.

CozyAutumn · 27/09/2016 10:18

Mono who the hell do you think you are? Stop telling the OP to get on with it. People have repeatedly said that they wouldn't do it for their own children (myself included), so stop bashing the OP for not doing it for her stepchild!

puglife15 · 27/09/2016 10:23

If I kept my toddler up past 7.30 they'd be climbing up the walls, hyper, take ages to go to sleep, sleep badly, wake early and be massively overtired and grumpy and whiny the next day. It would have a detrimental impact on them and on me and probably anyone else in the house.

My baby hates the car and would scream the whole way there and back to drop off and pick up. It would make everyone feel stressed, not least the poor baby who would also be getting grumpy and overtired by 7.30.

No way would I do it, SC or bio child. In the same way I can't do classes i would like to do myself in the evening. Is probably look at similar classes at more suitable times as a compromise. I'd like to see anyone put forward an argument why it would be unfair of me not to?

You've made the right decision OP. Don't let posters on here make you feel bad about it.