Eldest wants to do loads of after school activities but I am on my own and have two younger DCs.

[DuckingAunts]

DSC is 9, DC1 is 3 and DC2 is a newborn.

DH works long hours with a crazy commute and often isn't home until 7.30/8. I'm on mat leave so all running around/school and nursery pick ups/drop offs are done by me.

DSC is with us two weekdays every week and EOW.

On one of the weekday evenings DSC does an after school activity which, tbh is a logistical ball ache with the two younger ones. And that's with it just being walking distance away.

The activity they want to do on the second evening is a car journey and will involve shuttling the two littler ones back and forth at a time of day when they're tired, hungry and at their worst.

WIBU to just say no to the second activity? I know if I don't facilitate it, DSCs mum won't, so it means DSC won't end up doing it. But I just feel like two nights in a row is too much on my plate and not really fair on the younger two, who would ideally be in bed when it would be time to pick up DSC. AIBU?

No local family who can help BTW. And I just don't know anyone round here well enough yet to ask them for that kind of favour.

I have three and my life is spent ferrying them to activities. I did it with little ones, too. Because you just get on with it.

Equally, if I didn't put much store in extra curricular activities I wouldn't bother.

I find them very important but that's my opinion about my dc.

If you make the choice not to have them in much, that's just as valid.

Hmm it is tricky.

For all the people saying 'in my day I didn't do after school activities' - it is different now. I used to go out and play in a group. Kids don't do that now. Parents have to work longer hours and can't 'watch them out of the kitchen window playing on the green' or however we all kind of remember childhood. So - I ferry my DC to activities because they just can't have the same sort of friendships that we used to have back in days gone by.

TBH I think the OP's partner should make the effort to leave work in time to do one after school club a week. But if they really can't... I would suck it up and do the ferrying. With plenty of snacks etc for the 3 year old and tbh my newborns cried wherever I took them at that time of day.

It may help you with getting to know other local people. You could end up sharing lifts with another child from the new activity.

Does DSC do activities on the nights he is with his mother? You already facilitate 1 activity, that's plenty when you also have small children to deal with.

How many activities does DSC do and can you DP collect him if you drop him off?

YANBU but I'd be more inclined to take him if he can't do weekends because of shared care and his Mum does two weekday drop offs and wants your DP to arrange the same.

To all those saying leave it to the parents I guess you'd also be saying that you should treat all the kids ghe same! Step or bio. Also if the activities are say around 6ish (guess as tired little ones) its not always realistic for a ft working person to be around at that time especially as I assume as well as their household they pay maintenance!

Are they fixed days eg. Cubs or moveable eg. Swimming lessons. Does DSC's mother also wotk FT?

I would perhaps see if there were parents that could lift share

Think yabu. Get to know people on activity also and soon you'll prob be able to share. Most younger kids in families I know get dragged around more to older kids activities ... Completely normal.

Whilst I don't think it's unreasonable for your to fit your younger kids around what the elder wants to do its not unreasonable for you to say no either. DD1 does dance on a sat morning which means DD2 (almost 2) has to hang about somewhere not so fun for her, which is fine but I had to say no to judo after school until she's older as I'd have to pick her up and hang around for an hour with DD2 in the pushchair.

If they really want to do it one of they're bio parents will have to juggle stuff to take them

I love all these suggestions of lift sharing. I've been doing after school activities for 7 years now, (we are out 5 days a week at extra curriculars) I do my kids school runs, we live very close to school so my DC are "in the community", but I still don't know any of the parents well enough to ask them if the happen to be going past my house. And even better, I wouldn't be in a position to be carting their DCs out to wherever they live in return. Parents don't hang around at activities unless DC are very small. There isn't much time for forming friendships during the 30 seconds you have to grab your child when the doors are opened whilst simultaneously catching whatever equipment they have, any letters the leaders hand out and signing your DC in or out and paying. Add to that juggling two smaller DCs (one being a newborn!) I can't imagine OP will be in much of a mood to be smiling sweetly in the hope someone will like her enough to collect her SDC every week.

It really isn't your responsibility to ensure your DSC gets ferried around to after school activities.

What bobo said. You're already doing an activity. That's one more than you have to. If he wants to do more then his parents can work it out between them.

If there's money available a taxi home might be an option but otherwise I would say no too.

I have 3 dc and I have absolutely said no to some activities because the logistics would be really horrid for the other siblings.

I feel a bit sorry for your dsc.

Why doesn't your dh sort out his hours? Does he really need to work that late every single night or is it just the pattern he's accustomed too because you pick up the slack?

In my job I could get home at 7.30/8pm (I have a long commute), but I choose to work four days a week. I have also had some robust discussions with dh who's in a similar position - he just assumes I'll pick up the slack and it's somehow insurmountable to work slightly shorter hours to make things better for the DCs.

So I would be expecting your dh or his mum to help make this happen. It's more the principle really.

You have to be realistic in what you can do. I'm not great at taking my own advice there. Is it possible for dscto do an activity at the weekend so dh can help?

Tricky. Could timings work so you do drop of but OH does pick up? I have encouraged after school activities.. we have 2 activity free nights a week for 2 kids, one night we swap kids on the way to the activity so littlest one is back at a more reasonable hour. Otherwise they wait. Is there really no way you can make it work? If not they you have to say no, if it is just a bit inconvienient then maybe think about options

"It really isn't your responsibility to ensure your DSC gets ferried around to after school activities."

Well, no- it may not be the OP's responsibility. But how about helping out and making for a harmonious family life? It's a bit of a bummer for the older child not to be able to do his clubs because of his younger siblings - I think if it's at all possible he should go. Younger siblings sometimes have to hang round a bit for older ones- that's just how it goes.

Younger siblings sometimes have to hang round a bit for older ones- that's just how it goes

Exactly. He's 9 - what if he started something before the newborn arrived? Would all life go on hold until the younger ones were able to cope?

I hope he (Dsc) isn't told that he can't do it because of the siblings... Might be a route to resentment right there.

So if this was your biological child, would you take them?

Probably not. Not until the baby's a bit older at least.

There is your answer then.

I am a single parent to 3 and it's tough! Luckily the older two are now able to take themselves to places and understand when I explain that I simply cant do everything.

JenLindleyI'mSureYouAreABrilliantMom, what I find helpful is

asking DC who goes to it from their school, where do they live?
Joining facebook group for that activity and talking on there
replying to any group emails
helping at the club once a term or so
just making a point of getting to know people and where they live, and what siblings they have, and working out can we make each other's lives a bit easier?

That might sound a bit odd I realise, but it seems to be the done thing round here to lift share when possible.

I don't think for a 9 year old 2 after school activities is OTT - especially if there is a significant age gap to other siblings so as to speak to be natural playmates

Solutions would be just be

1. be honest with your husband and the mother and say you are struggling to accommodate both - could his mother/ father take them to the class or can they find someone else to do this that is not you
2. don't be honest just swap your 2 nights a week so they are no longer the ones the activities fall on

Feel for you I am sort of in similar situation though with my own biological child - though I encourage the activities - but it's hard if like us your DH is away

I would either suggest to his mum swapping days or that she takes him and u pick up or your dh arranges an early finish

But how about helping out and making for a harmonious family life? It's a bit of a bummer for the older child not to be able to do his clubs because of his younger siblings

OP is already helping out. He is already able to do his club simply because OP is facilitating it. This is a new activity that OP would again have to facilitate whilst her younger DC get fractious and grumbly. Which is by no means harmonious!

She does 'help out' massively from what I can gather.
She has a newborn and a 3 year old to sort also.

It's a bit of a bummer for the older child not to be able to do his clubs because of his younger siblings

It's not his younger siblings fault. It's his parents "fault" for not being there to facilitate it. The child is only able to potentially do it because of the OP being conveniently there... How is that fair to put that on her shoulders? In a together family the child would not be able to do it if neither parent could take the child, so why expect a stepparent who has just had a baby and who is most likely on maternity leave to step up and do it?

Nobody should expect the step mother to do it. But I think if she can, she should. And in a 3 child family, with one quite a lot older, the younger ones do have to hang about sometimes. It's called family life.

She can't though, so she shouldn't.