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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest wants to do loads of after school activities but I am on my own and have two younger DCs.

164 replies

DuckingAunts · 26/09/2016 14:14

DSC is 9, DC1 is 3 and DC2 is a newborn.

DH works long hours with a crazy commute and often isn't home until 7.30/8. I'm on mat leave so all running around/school and nursery pick ups/drop offs are done by me.

DSC is with us two weekdays every week and EOW.

On one of the weekday evenings DSC does an after school activity which, tbh is a logistical ball ache with the two younger ones. And that's with it just being walking distance away.

The activity they want to do on the second evening is a car journey and will involve shuttling the two littler ones back and forth at a time of day when they're tired, hungry and at their worst.

WIBU to just say no to the second activity? I know if I don't facilitate it, DSCs mum won't, so it means DSC won't end up doing it. But I just feel like two nights in a row is too much on my plate and not really fair on the younger two, who would ideally be in bed when it would be time to pick up DSC. AIBU?

No local family who can help BTW. And I just don't know anyone round here well enough yet to ask them for that kind of favour.

OP posts:
MoreCoffeeNow · 26/09/2016 18:02

OP has a newborn baby. Of course she isn't up to facilitating her stepson's activities. In her place I wouldn't be facilitating any for my own.

Totally unreasonable of some here to suggest she lugs a newborn and a toddler around to facilitate the older DC.

SoupDragon · 26/09/2016 18:03

And in a 3 child family, with one quite a lot older, the younger ones do have to hang about sometimes. It's called family life.

Equally, the older one has to miss out sometimes for the exact same reason.

BertrandRussell · 26/09/2016 18:04

We have no idea how difficult and complicated the logistics are.

Out of interest, do you all make your older children give up their activities when you have another baby?

MoreCoffeeNow · 26/09/2016 18:07

Out of interest, do you all make your older children give up their activities when you have another baby?

Hardly left the house for 4 weeks, snow on the ground. But they were close together so DS1 only missed out on mums and toddlers. He coped. He isn't traumatised in the slightest.

Monochromecat · 26/09/2016 18:09

YABU. Come on, step up to your responsibilities and choices. 2 activities is not an unreasonable ask from your stepchild and a perfectly acceptable 'norm' in terms of expectation. And it isn't your stepchilds problem as to which days the activities fall on. Younger siblings are not their problem either.

JenLindleyShitMom · 26/09/2016 18:11

But I think if she can, she should.

Why should she though? Confused there are things I could do with my DC that I don't because it doesn't suit me for whatever reason. No-one is telling me I should do those things so why on earth should OP for a child that already has two parents?

JenLindleyShitMom · 26/09/2016 18:12

Come on, step up to your responsibilities and choices

What the actual fuck are you on about?

CozyAutumn · 26/09/2016 18:12

Bert Neither of my younger ones will be hanging around at silly o'clock whilst they are so young. Dark nights and crap weather will be drawing in soon just to make it even more unappealing, so whilst they are tiny my oldest will not be able to do any activities on a school night.
If it's a straight after school thing and he finishes at say 4:30 then I can live with that, but I won't be booking anything that starts at 5 or 6pm onwards and involves a bus journey when the buses start going from every ten minutes to every half and hour.
Weekend activities are not a problem and I will be more willing to book something that fits in with the rest of the family. That to me would make it far more harmonious.

Monochromecat · 26/09/2016 18:13

Jen. Parenting involves these things - didn't you know?????

MoreCoffeeNow · 26/09/2016 18:14

The household doesn't have to revolve around one child. That's just ridiculous. PO has a new baby, the household should revolve around her for now and the others can suck it up.

Stick to your guns, OP.

JenLindleyShitMom · 26/09/2016 18:14

Out of interest, do you all make your older children give up their activities when you have another baby?

She isn't asking him to give up anything. She is happy to continue with the existing activity she is already taking him to. She is simply saying that she can't facilitate this new activity. He has other options, namely his actual parents. If it is important that he attends new activity then his parents should be the ones to make that happen.

JenLindleyShitMom · 26/09/2016 18:15

Parenting involves these things - didn't you know?????

Maybe you should tell his actual parents that.

BertrandRussell · 26/09/2016 18:15

So a 9 year old should be expected to give up all his activities if his parents have another baby?

CozyAutumn · 26/09/2016 18:16

Mono The Op isn't the child's parent.

JenLindleyShitMom · 26/09/2016 18:16

Bert he isn't giving up anything! This is a new request. OP is happy to continue taking him to his existing activity in the day he is with her.

Bobochic · 26/09/2016 18:17

I'm a stepmother to two DC who are 9 and 7 years older than my DD. I am a Superstar Stepmother Halo by general consensus - even my DSSs' mother defers to my superior parenting problem solving. But I do not, and never have, felt responsible for the DSSs' EC logistics, I have done a certain amount, but ultimately my DD's comfort comes before theirs.

Aworldofmyown · 26/09/2016 18:19

Two activities out of five week nights is a lot for a biological mother with three children. I wouldn't do it.

What would happen the weeks you don't have the child during the week?

Monochromecat · 26/09/2016 18:20

Poor kid.... (Shakes head...)

Sidge · 26/09/2016 18:23

Actually I think your DH should make more of an effort to facilitate his child attending the activities. If he has his child two days a week and isn't home until 7.30/8 on those evenings I bet he doesn't get to see much of him or her.

Maybe he can renegotiate hours for those two days so he gets home a bit earlier? I know that could be easier said than done but it seems odd to have contact with his child two days a week and not even really see them.

notinagreatplace · 26/09/2016 18:29

To be honest, even if you took the step-child aspect of it out of it, my suggestion would be that either your eldest doesn't get to do the activity or your DH comes home on time once a week to make it happen. I strongly suspect that, if he pushed for it, he'd be able to do it - he just hasn't had to bother trying to. Bet he has female colleagues who manage to leave on time sometimes for childcare.

Monochromecat · 26/09/2016 18:40

Look, what is your role here? Be clear. If you, as stepmother in this family are helping with parenting/taking on some parental responsibility (call it what you like) then do it properly. What is this half arsed I'm looking after him/her but not prepared to take on tall that a 9 year old entails and look after him/her the way a parent would I.e taking them to activities. If the latter is the case then you shouldn't be looking after him/her and you need to tell your husband this.
Please, do the kid a favour.
FFS, if this was a stepfather on mumsnet, he'd be flamed...

altiara · 26/09/2016 18:44

I wouldn't do it. It is different when they are all your own DCs because you are the one arranging the times to suit youself!! So you're not purposely being awkward, it's just hard having someone else's plans given to you. If you were to arrange a club for DSD yourself, then it would be different although still difficult with the ages. If you choose to have a big gap between your own DCs (6 and 8 years) I think you would choose to stop some activities (I would) or you have the eldest DCs friends parents to help with lifts because you've built up a network of friends by that age. You don't have this so I don't think it's a fair comparison.

I would say no or DH needs to help, I wouldn't care which DC it was, I'd be thinking of my own mental health. Seriously - my DCs have between them 4 after school activities on a Friday and sometimes we don't get to all of the activities without help or me crying.

liletsthepink · 26/09/2016 18:48

The choices are:

  1. Say no (and risk upsetting DSC)
  2. Ask DH to get home earlier on that evening (and risk him agreeing but it never actually happening)
  3. Buy in childcare for those two evenings. Find a childminder who can take DSC to the activities while you put the younger two to bed

Personally, I would say no to the activity. You have a newborn and you are already doing loads for your DSC.

CozyAutumn · 26/09/2016 18:50

Mono You sound really bitter.
And a stepfather would be told exactly the same- that he shouldn't have to do it if it isn't convenient.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 26/09/2016 18:50

If your DSC is old enough to be disappointed, then they're old enough to talk to about it. I think you need to talk to your DH too (probably then with DSC and DH together).

Go through the problems, can they be resolved? Are there alternatives (different club, different class on a different night/weekend, a residential course in the holidays, for example). Can your DSC help find a solution?

I think if you talk about it together you'll reduce the risk of there being a bio vs step child issue. Who knows, you might find a solution.

It gets harder with toddlers too. DD started after school swimming when DS was 6mo, he's now 15mo and a real pain during the lesson. I suck it up but wouldn't do another after school club unless it was just a late pick up.