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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest wants to do loads of after school activities but I am on my own and have two younger DCs.

164 replies

DuckingAunts · 26/09/2016 14:14

DSC is 9, DC1 is 3 and DC2 is a newborn.

DH works long hours with a crazy commute and often isn't home until 7.30/8. I'm on mat leave so all running around/school and nursery pick ups/drop offs are done by me.

DSC is with us two weekdays every week and EOW.

On one of the weekday evenings DSC does an after school activity which, tbh is a logistical ball ache with the two younger ones. And that's with it just being walking distance away.

The activity they want to do on the second evening is a car journey and will involve shuttling the two littler ones back and forth at a time of day when they're tired, hungry and at their worst.

WIBU to just say no to the second activity? I know if I don't facilitate it, DSCs mum won't, so it means DSC won't end up doing it. But I just feel like two nights in a row is too much on my plate and not really fair on the younger two, who would ideally be in bed when it would be time to pick up DSC. AIBU?

No local family who can help BTW. And I just don't know anyone round here well enough yet to ask them for that kind of favour.

OP posts:
Panicmode1 · 26/09/2016 18:55

I have four children and effectively am on my own during the week as DH doesn't get home until 8pm at the earliest. I have always 'dragged the younger ones around' and they are all allowed to do whatever they want, as long as I can fit the logistics around the others, because I strongly believe in the benefit of extra curricular activities. I did loads as a child at prep school within the longer school day, but as my children are at state schools, I want them to have the same opportunities so I have to ferry them around instead of them doing them in school time. For example, I currently have three boys doing consecutive scouting sections on one evening and it's a total nightmare - however, I emailed the Scout/Cub/Beaver leaders and asked them to circulate a plea for lift shares - it's been great because I'm now in a lift share system for them and I've met some other parents, who before, I only nodded to in passing....is that possible with this activity he wants to do?

mugginsalert · 26/09/2016 18:58

I don't think I would do it. How would it be sustainable later on when you are back at work, especially when the younger ones also want to do things in evenings? Also, I would want there to be time for dsc to just hang out at home with their siblings and dad/stepmum, and space for you as the parental person in charge to decide what you'd like to do with the kids that evening. For me family life is about balancing everyone's needs including your own and this is too much for you right now.

witsender · 26/09/2016 19:04

I wouldn't do it with a newborn, even with biological children. And I suspect many posters berating the OP are doing so because this is a stepchild not biological.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2016 19:08

Round my way, (and I think it must differ place to place), a 9 year old will be doing an after school activity every day after school. Swimming, a team sport, a music lesson, Cubs/brownies, dance as standard. Gone are the days when children just play out - primarily because there's no one to play out with- they're all doing something! So, it isn't a big ask IMO.

The problem is, is that its all landing on your door, which is unfair. Why can't/won't the mum?

Also, maybe I'm naive, but your situation is odd to me. I thought the point of being away from the resident parent was to spend time with the nrp? And yet he must be at work practically the whole time?

Monochromecat · 26/09/2016 19:10

Cozy - why on earth would I be bitter? Not a step parent, not a stepchild, no stepchildren. Plenty of experience of dealing with young people who are hurt/upset by their experience of being a stepchild though...

arethereanyleftatall · 26/09/2016 19:11

And good point by muggibs - surely the point of coming to you is that the dsc gets to know his half siblings and you; he doesn't do that if he's at an activity the whole time.
Are you being used?

Waltermittythesequel · 26/09/2016 19:15

I don't know about that!

He's there two evenings a week and EOW.

Isn't it better that he has a normal life at dad's rather than be treated like a visitor? And part of that is that he does activities etc.

My dh doesn't get home until 7.30. It's just how it is!

Griphook · 26/09/2016 19:19

Your DSC has two parents who can do it. You concentrate on your own children's routines and leave the parents of your DSC to run their child from A to B in all weathers and at inconvenient times. You have bigger priorities.

But he doesn't have two parents who can do it, he had one parent working really long hours to financially support the family, So would it be ok for the dad to turn round and say, I'm not working all these long hours anymore because I want to equally priorities all my children so we will need to make some financial changes?

Joinourclub · 26/09/2016 19:19

Don't do it and don't feel guilty. Sounds like the overall family 'cost' of doing it is greater than the gain.

CozyAutumn · 26/09/2016 19:19

Mono there are a few people on here who have said that they wouldn't do this if it was their own child as well. Suppose those parents are "half arsed" are they? Thought not. Your gripe is only there because the OP is a stepparent and not the parent.
This is a new activity and the OP doesn't want to commit to taking him to it. Why you have such an issue with that I don't know... It's hardly going to damage him.

CozyAutumn · 26/09/2016 19:22

Grip You've proved my point. The dad is the parent but he isn't available. The mum is the parent and is too unavailable. Therefore the activity can't happen because both parents are not there to run him from A to B.

BertrandRussell · 26/09/2016 19:24

"And I suspect many posters berating the OP are doing so because this is a stepchild not biological."
I haven't berated the OP at all. But I really don't like the "It's a stepchild- why would you do anything at all for a stepchild?" posters......

puglife15 · 26/09/2016 19:26

Also, maybe I'm naive, but your situation is odd to me. I thought the point of being away from the resident parent was to spend time with the nrp? And yet he must be at work practically the whole time?

That struck me too - and he won't be spending any time with siblings either if he does clubs both nights.

YANBU OP. If this WAS your bio child I think you'd not have the posts telling you to suck it up and lug your newborn and toddler around.

There is also the increasingly popular view to consider, that we are over-managing our children's lives with ec activities and making them tired and unimaginative / lack resourcefulness, and it's better for them to have more free time.

PandasRock · 26/09/2016 19:38

What are the timings involved?

Imo, there's a big difference between tired and hungry at eg 5.30pm (teatime/start of witching hours) and tired and hungry at 7pm (my 3 year old would be getting into bed at that time!)

I would do it if at all possible. I know how hard it is with a 3 year old and a newborn - been there. And I know how hard it is entertaining children at after school activities - been there too.

My ds is 6 years younger than his next oldest sibling. He spent the majority of his first two years hanging around at after school activities until about 5.30/6pm. Because that was life. I would sit there with newborn (and then infant/toddler) ds and dd1 (older but with severe ASD and learning difficulties) while dd2 did judo/sports/gym/cookery/whatever. This started when ds was 6 weeks old (I handily had him at the start of summer holidays, so got a reprieve while he was tiny Grin). It is what you make of it. There are a variety of ways to keep everyone happy, but they'll only work if you are in he right frame of mind to do it.

It is hard, but a finite time. Imo, it would come down to a combination of how late, and how much your dss wanted to do that particular activity. Only you can answer that.

Monochromecat · 26/09/2016 19:38

Bert - exactly...

Griphook · 26/09/2016 19:38

Grip You've proved my point. The dad is the parent but he isn't available. The mum is the parent and is too unavailable. Therefore the activity can't happen because both parents are not there to run him from A to B. but maybe the dad can make himself available but cutting his hours, it might not be to the benefit of the whole family, but he can make himself available but with conquences to everyone.

Fwiw I wouldn't do an after school drop off with a new born but not because he has two other parents

SauvignonPlonker · 26/09/2016 19:46

I wouldn't be doing it either, with a newborn. I can remember how hideous evenings were trying to get a baby to bed, plus trying to deal with a toddler at the same time. Add another child & evening activity into that, with no support - no thank you!

Plus lift- sharing only works if you can reciprocate. With 3 car seats already taken with OP's family plus one for herself, it only leaves 1 seat spare for other DC (unless she has a 7-seater).

My compromise would be to put the activity on hold until after Xmas, by which point baby will be in a bit more of a routine. And of course, if OP is going back to work at that point, and it won't be logistically possible then, wouldn't even start it.

CrikeyJoseph · 26/09/2016 19:56

No l wouldn't do it. With young dc life is stressful enough. I nearly said no to a disco for dd1 that finished at 4.30 because l didn't want to take 10 week old dd2 out in the pissing rain in the middle of December.

I would never commit to every week of doing that.

Bb90 · 26/09/2016 20:11

I think if you are going to say no, don't use the little one as an excuse. There were plenty of things I wasn't allowed to do due to "the little ones" (I know I sound spoiled and resentful- but when your younger you don't see the bigger picture) I would try it, if you can't cope suggest you stop after a term? Or get to know the parents and organise lift sharing??

KERALA1 · 26/09/2016 20:18

Made harder as you don't know other parents. Have networked like mad over the years lucky enough to have lots of local friends and neighbours I never do a two way pick always share the pain with other parents. One activity there are 4 of us so week on week off pairs.

Original poster
DuckingAunts · 26/09/2016 22:07

Until recently DP was very much around, available and hands on. But he got a golden opportunity, twice his salary, and as a family we agreed he should take it. Even if it meant him not being around so much. I was happy to pick up the ferrying to and fro because his new role will ultimately benefit all of us. So he's not a selfish arsehole or misogynist corporate swinging dick like some people are imagining him to be.

DSC still comes to us for the same two weekdays every week and EOW. We didn't want them to feel too disrupted by DP's new job.

I was okay with the one activity during DSC's time with us, but just don't feel like I can accommodate another, new one.

DSC does not have to give up anything. They just can't take up a new thing.

Mum has a lot of outside interests of her own and I really don't think she could be relied upon to take DSC instead. I don't want to get into too much detail here because I'll be flamed for slagging her off (I'm not OW btw, just to cross out that particular MN bingo square), but she wouldn't do it, basically.

I feel guilty because I'm the only person who could make it happen and I just don't feel I can do it right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckingAunts · 26/09/2016 22:09

Plus lift- sharing only works if you can reciprocate. With 3 car seats already taken with OP's family plus one for herself, it only leaves 1 seat spare for other DC (unless she has a 7-seater).

That's a really good point. I hadn't thought of that. I wouldn't be able to reciprocate a lift as we don't have enough seats. I'd be one of those annoying piss take mums that people post on here about.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckingAunts · 26/09/2016 22:10

Pandas pick up for this new activity would be 7.30. The toddler will be going bananas by then.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 26/09/2016 22:42

No child needs to do everything. At 9 he should be able to understand that sometimes you need to compromise due to the needs of others.

All this "poor child" stuff is ridiculous.

Mine have all had to miss out or be carted along to stuff during their childhood.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/09/2016 22:51

YANBU. Tell DSC no, it isn't possible. This really isn't your responsibility. Ask the mother if she will swap days so she can take her daughter to the activity.

I only have 2 DCs, they each do 2 activities (one is twice a week) and one does 2 after school clubs and the other 1 after school club, all on different days and some after school clubs are on activity days as well. I spend my evenings rushing and ferrying them about and trying to feed them in between. If we had 3 DCs, something would have to give. I also would be reluctant to do this for a child that their own mother won't as well. I also make sure that we are back for bed times as I don't want the evening dragged on so a 7.30 pick up would be too late.