Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

What s totally sad thread.

Sounds to me like jealousy op. Who on earth is jealous of their own children.

My dils mother is like this and I take super delight in praising her to the sky's from her appearance to get parenting. The old cow wouldn't dare cross me.

How can those who are supposed to love and cherish and nurture get it so so bloody wrong.

wire mothers This is also quite an interesting article/blog. Doesn't excuse the behaviour, or make up for the damage.

My mother does not say anything either good or bad. I have never had any feedback on anything I have ever done or the way I look from her or my father. I think I just assumed it was all bad and that's why they never commented.
I'm 45 and I still have no idea about what kind of person I am, whether I am attractive or whether I'm any good at anything. I don't know how this is possible given all the life I've had after leaving home, but I still feel like a fairly worthless void of a person.

If I had nasty comments like the ones on this thread I'd have something to blame or react to, but still I get nothing from my mother. She makes me feel awful and then I feel awful about feeling awful when I have no apparent reason for it.

if its not one thing it's your mother, mine is just the same but I am conscious not to do it to my own daughter who is confident and for the most part very happy.

FaFoutis if your parents had been as they ought you'd have a very clear idea of what sort of a person you are, because their behaviour would have showed you they loved and esteemed you even if they did not put it into words. I am sorry you have not had the benefit of this but I am perfectly sure it is not because you are a "worthless void". it is their failing, not yours, that makes you feel that way.

So sad to hear this! Basically what everyone else said - but it's interesting how we take on other peoples shit.

A recent realisation for me was around being bullied. I was bullied at school - infants, primary then secondary and then later in the workplace by someone I line managed!

Anyone who met me would never think it - but for years because of the bullying I experienced I thought there was something wrong with me - it has taken me years to realise there was something wrong with them. I mean who would deliberately or because of lack of basic human sensitivity make someone feel shite about themselves? I wouldn't, you wouldn't - so what is it with people who do? Power, jealousy, low self esteem.

All I'm saying is, like others have said - this is her stuff and the only choice you can make is not to take it on.

I looked at myself in the mirror through all my decades and at last I am accepting of what is there. When I look back at 10 years ago I think - you total babe - what were you worried about? Please don't let her negativity bring you down. Next time she says something like that to you say 'actually mother I think I rock'

Lots of love xxxx

Yanbu. My mums pretty much the same! Only to me not my other siblings. Tell her to do one.

Your mum is a jealous cow. You will always be younger than her. She sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. I would actually confront her, calmly and ask her why she finds it necessary to put you down all the time. Calmly explain that you find her comments hurtful and you'd be grateful if she could stop. Or do the blunt version and ask why she has to be such a complete bitch whenever you share something you're proud of...

There was a trend years ago for parents not praising their children in case they 'got above themselves'. Also not to draw attention to themselves, 'who's looking at you?' But I thought this sort of thing went out in the 1950's and I'd bet the majority of the replies on this thread are from women born in the 60's and later. Nothing really changes does it?

As another poster has quoted Philip Larkin:
They fuck you up your mum and dad,
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you.

My mum is similar. I tried on an outfit she bought me and when she saw me in it her response was "mm it's ok" ...gee thanks mum, don't hold back. Or I passed an exam and instead of saying well done she said "well of course you passed, you're my daughter". I find nowhat I just smile and nod with gritted teeth. Don't take it to heart op!

Oh op I feel for you I really do, it's not nice having a parent (or anyone) do that to you.

I have the same issue with my mum and it's tough and really knocks my confidence, but what I've finally realised at 35 years old that her opinion does not and will not ever define me. I've also realised that it probably her own insecurities coming out, whilst that didn't make it better it makes it easier to ignore. I just wish she'd follow her own advice "if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all". In fact I think it should be law!

Chiquita...you're fab-u-lous!! That's all I have to say.

OP, some mum's can't help themselves. Mine's the same. I'm 54 now and STILL can't stop herself from commenting on my weight/backside/hair/clothes/how tired (old) I'm looking "all of a sudden".

I just have to let it all wash over me...

You're a nice looking girl. My mother says shit like that to me as well. It's not very nice. Once I was ready for a party and she told me to change that my dress was horrible made me look like a fat old woman. Six months later after a gain of nearly a stone I wore the same dress to a wedding. Someone admired it, and she said it was beautiful on me and did I think it would suit her.

Or I passed an exam and instead of saying well done she said "well of course you passed, you're my daughter".

I've got a DPhil from Oxford. When people find this out and comment on it my Mum and my sister always say 'Oh, Sue's not the clever one, DBro is, he got a first'.

Another one here with a mother who'd rather choke than utter a compliment to her daughter, my father too:

My hair was rats tails
My teeth were goofy

Once I mentioned over tea that my best friend had a lovely new long party dress (I was so excited for her) - cue an evening over the dinner table with them telling me if I was as thin and beautiful as her they'd spend hundreds of pounds on clothes for me, but I wasn't so they weren't prepared to do it.

Always convinced me I was obese (I was a size 8-10 for most of my teens. As others said dressed me in oversized clothes.

Huge fuss about finding me a swimsuit because I was so fat and had developed boobs, for our first holiday abroad. I was given one borrowed from her older friend (she was retired and I was 11 ffs) which was a huge orange 1960s one piece with padded (C) cups. I burst into tears. I ended up cutting out the foam cups to try and look a little less ridiculous.

My nan eventually bought me a bikini when I was 13. My mother made me wear a tshirt to cover up my saggy stomach and boobs.

When family would visit, like my nan for example, they'd say I was beautiful and my mother could never just smile proudly and support the compliment. She's always add a put down, "well I don't know about beautiful, if she lost weight she'd be attractive I guess.."

I remember once (I was about 10 I think) she was telling her friend about how the down side of me having thin straggly hair was that my big ears stuck out through the hair....I was really shocked and said "oh have I got big ears?"

And she replied "well not huge, it's just they are sort of loose and flappy and sticking out like an elephant"

I didn't tie my hair back until I was 22. My lovely boyfriend at the time said my ears were cute and he wanted to see them. Bless him.

YANBU .. I don't understand why a mum would say the things she says but it's her failing not yours. Don't share photos with her if she cannot appreciate them. I hope you are able to believe the good things people say about you. My DM always asks me how much weight I've lost (if any) within minutes of seeing me. This has been going on for years... I'm not on a diet

Sounds just like my MIL! DH family are a little like the Soprano's the head of the family is his mother - wow betide anyone who forgets any family event, birthdays, anniversaries 'have you done this? done that? etc.

Family events are excuses to drink and eat at everyone else's house and then look at old videos or recent family holidays - here you set yourself up for ridicule from her.

I refuse to do a viewing of our holiday photos any more as she constantly tells me how fat I am or how fat everyone else is family member or other holiday extra who happened to be in the frame.

Best advice stay away from folks who put you down or make you feel bad, though trying to avoid family can be tricky.

She probably has no filter and thinks she has a great relationship with you because she can be honest and say anything.

Tell her how you loved that photo and all of the lovely reasons why. Ask her if she knows how rude, disrespectful, thoughtless and hurtful her comments were. I bet she doesn't. You need to tell her.
If she doesn't get it, "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all" will hopefully do the trick. If you say it everytime she makes comments like this, she may start to realise how often she says mean things.

*With my Family Of Narcs, I just started saying "That was rude" grin At first they would bluster and actually try to defend their crappy opinion of me. With the invisible horde of Mumsnet at my side flowers I kept on saying "Why would you want to be so rude? Are you trying to make me feel bad? You're putting me down again, what's the point of that?"

They don't do it any more. When one of them starts to slip, a death stare usually suffices.

The daftest thing is, they don't really believe I'm as fat, weird, ugly and stupid as they delighted in saying. It was kind of an ingrained habit - I was the family member everyone put down. They never questioned it (neither did I) until forced to*

Yes!!! The direct approach is similarly effective with my PILs. I think English people find it really hard to be direct, which makes directness quite effective.

Thanks Karlos you are very kind.

I told my mum I got a first and asked her if she could come to my graduation. She said she'd check her diary but she thought she might be playing golf.

I showed her a book I'd written when it arrived fresh from the publisher, she read a bit of it then said 'so this is what you do in your spare time'. Then she put it back in the box.

I presented her with each of my babies (that's what it feels like), she looked at them and said nothing.

Argggghhhhhhhh! What do you do with that?

It also occurs to me that these mothers have nobody else in their life to feel superior to or try to control. Friends wouldn't stand for it, nor would other relatives or colleagues, so they think they can get away with it with a daughter(s).

How awful of her, I feel your pain, mine is the same. Yet if you give it back on one of her pics (yes I am that petty!) she goes apeshit!

I learn from it in terms of how not to treat my children

Fafoutis Don't try to get validation again. They are damaged people.

On so many levels this thread is depressing. But although the amounts of hurt and damaged confidence and low self esteem are very sad, I also think that this is a tread full of people who are decent caring human beings being kind to each other and with enough insight to be trying very hard NOT to do this to their children. And I don't care if that is a peace and love view of things, I think it is true!!

It took me years to realise that my mother isn't a very nice person. Now that I have done so, it makes life easier. Shame I didn't know when I was a child. Just ignore the comments. She isn't worth it.