Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

My mum always did the reverse compliment thing. Perfect example was when I was trying on my wedding dress. Mum mum burst into tears, said "that's the one, you look beautiful, and it doesn't even make your bum look that big!" (I was a size 10)
When I was young, I used to let it bother me but now that I'm (much) older and (a bit) wiser, I've realised that she was always struggling with her weight and projected that onto me. Don't let them get you down, try to be happy and let them deal with their own issues!

I have had some major achievements in recent years. My latest was having an article with photos published in a very famous magazine. I texted her to let her know it was out and didn't hear back from her for 8 days. When I did, it was just a moan about the price of the magazine.

She's just a jealous bitch whose own life is shit and resents anyone else enjoying life or achieving.

I know derxa, pathetic isn't it? I bought a stack of self-help books early this year. Then I stopped trying to get my mother to be proud of me, I don't show or tell her anything much. I can see she is confused and hurt by this, but true to form she hasn't said anything (or ever will).

This is what I thought about when I read the OP. Don't show people like this photos, it only makes you vulnerable.

Peace and love, yes Sue, once you've worked it out having critical or cold parents can teach you a lot about how to treat others. I'm a lovely mother to my children, the lucky sods.

Why do mums do that, I know they feel they should be the one to tell you the truth, but it is only their view, not everyone's, I find that I can be negative with my children, not with their looks but something they have done, I find the danger/downside of something, I correct myself when I realise what I'm saying tho!!
My mum seems to see the horrid side of most things, I do tell her how negative she is being and it spoils my day with her, I feel as tho I'm slowly becoming like her sometimes!!!
I find that even if your face isn't anything special, you can make yourself look a 100 prettier if you make yr hair the best you can.
I think that you should look around you as I think that you will see that hardly anyone is model material, I'm afraid that we are the plainees of this world, have you tried Snap Chat photos?? They are fantastic!!!
PS just the one with the misty film over the lense😂😂😂

They don't need to be subjected to constant put downs in order to develop a sense of humor

and yet you will often find the persecutor does not have such a great sense of humour themselves if the tables are turn

With me it isn't just my mother, its my whole family. When I had a massive breakdown at 17 due to their constant efforts to shoe horn me into someone that I am not, I was just doing it to get attention.

It has taken me NINE YEARS to finally heal myself and build some confidence. I rarely see or speak to them. They don't care. Sad really.

With that text you gave her a weapon Sukey.
That sounds like a huge achievement, don't measure it by your mother's response.

Nikki - mine, the very first time she saw me in a wedding dress (trying on random ones in a shop): "Oh dear. You really don't suit white."

I was so deflated I barely cared what I wore from that point on.

Think your Mother is horrible and you should try to ignore her comments as past history shows that she takes every opportunity to put you down- consider that.... It says far more about her psyche than it does about you/how you look- other people are far more objective and they said you look good. Accept their good comments!

Thank FaFoutis, I know it is. I keep telling myself! Just makes me sad when I think how proud my dad would have been. Some small silly part of me keeps wanting to give her a chance in case I'm wrong about her. I guess that's very common!

Give up hope Sukey. I finally have and it feels better.

Tough shit, Chiquita- I'm going to compliment you. What lovely photos- you look fab and I hope you know you do.
Op, a fresh faced photo in Central Park- what a lovely moment.
I'm a bit selfie averse myself but I know a happy memory when I have it.
No one can spoil it. Don't let them.

ineedmorelemon

What an absolute bitch your mum is.

whattodo I sgree most mums and dads love their kids and would die for them in s heartbeat. All the mothers I know I'm RL (bar one)are just trying their best and hopefully that's the case.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 26-Sep-16 19:04:21

^^ how cruel can some one be? utterly shocking!!

with enough insight to be trying very hard NOT to do this to their children

yes agree.

There is a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming 'their bullshit twatty behaviour' (ok I tweaked the title but if you google Toxic Parents Book you should find it). Very helpful and really helps you to understand it's their problem and strategies for dealing with their abusive behaviour. Much love besutiful lady. She may be your mother but you deserve better.

Anyone with a mother like this should read this book- www.willieverbegoodenough.com/about-will-i-ever-be-good-enough/

Realising my Mum is a clinical narcissist and reading that book literally saved my life. I've also been in therapy off and on to work through it all. If you don't work on yourself, you're likely to be attracted to other narcissists and keep falling victim again and again. And you will always be doubting yourself. I don't think you can just shrug it off as this kind of parenting is fundamentally damaging. I'm so sorry to everyone with mothers like this. Nobody else will ever really understand your pain as the idea of any mother not loving their child is so taboo in our culture. Good luck everyone.

I can't believe there's so bad mothers out there. They are suppose to be the best ones, and say nice things to us.
You look really nice chiquita, and I'm not just saying it, I mean it. And op your mum must be jealous of you, I'm sure you look amazing as well.
I'm happy to read this thead as I was just talking to my husband about a friend who insist in putting me down, I had a baby 7 months ago I am not very confident yet. Reading here just made me realised these people are just Jealous and that's the only way they have to put us down, so I'm not going to be upset about it anymore as you too shouldn't either op. your husband got emotional cos he loves you and thought you were beautiful

It was kind of an ingrained habit - I was the family member everyone put down. They never questioned it (neither did I) until forced to

same with pils and dh I cant bear it any more mil is like this miserable cloud - always got a bee about something miserable about something....everything she says - is in that - told you so voice - .

Which is fine - but then - please dont expect people to want to be around you!!!dont moan when they dont phone you - or tell you how much they love you!

Luzy your mother is a cowboy - she is jealous of your youth.

Chiquita you look lovely - take no notice of what your mother says.

I'm so sorry, confidence is tricky enough without your Mum trying to undermine what little you have. You sound lovely.

cowbag not cowboy - damn you autocorrect you effing bar steward . . .

just to say, i've never commented on any message board before, but this thread really touched a nerve with me. 'mother' was always putting me down as a child to the extent that I was having panic attacks age 9 and suffering physical and mental abuse on a daily basis. Got married young to get away, but it was frying pan fire situation. What is it with this type of mother and weddings, when I was in my wedding dress that I had designed and made myself( won an award at uni for it) she said I looked like a bag of sh*t tied in the middle. Also told my now ex husband to give me a good 'wallop' if I got ideas above my station. Sadly can't go nc (as both sisters have) due to ingrained feelings of duty... I have 2 beautiful grown up successful daughters who were encouraged and supported from birth and will be till I die. Damaged daughters out there, you are amazing women doing the best you can xx

Gorgeous! Love the hair too. You look fabulous now start acting fabulous - especially in front of your mother.

Although the OP and responses are very sad, it's a positive to know that we are not alone, that's why these forums are so helpful.

I agree. Your beautiful and your mother is toxic, it's all jealousy. People only say these things because they are jealous and they get off on making others feel like shit. Even thier own children. My mother is a toxic mother and for years I believed what she said, I had no confidence and never believed anyone would love me. I now haven't spoken to her for years and I tell you what....I feel damn good for it. I know it's hard, the least person anyone expects to make them feel crap is thier mum but rise above it and be the beautiful person that you are.