Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

My mother is pretty similar. She NEVER compliments me on anything. Her answer is that 'it's blowing your own trumpet' as if she owns me or something!!
She didn't tell me I looked nice on my wedding day or any other day come to think about it. Luckily I have a wonderful husband and daughters who are always saying nice things about photos,etc and who get very frustrated with my lack of confidence.

OP, please Google 'narcissistic mother'. I'm not saying she is one, but this is definitely one of the major traits. I have one myself.

I too have experienced the mother who gets off on "speaking her mind". I hate it and her. Last week she looked at one of the few recent photos I have of me and the kids. The sun is shining in it, we're all smiling and everyone is looking at the camera. A miracle. She told me I looked obese. I'm a size 12 at most and with a 9 month old baby. No other comment on the photo or her beautiful grandkids. And she wonders why I don't want her involved in helping to look after my daughter when I go back to work in January.

my mom doesn't give me much hassle... so long as I stay skinny. God forbid I get to a size 10!

Anytime I asked for her opinion on clothes/how I looked before going on a night out..I vividly remember her frequently saying (up until i moved out) "sure who would be looking at you anyway" Thst has stuck with me and has done a lot of damage to my confidence. My most recent ex used to tell me how bad I look in photos and laugh at them. I'm not the most photogenic person in the world but I have done commercial & tv work so I know I'm not that bad. But still can't get over the comments from her or him

Don't show her any more pictures.
Infact see her a lot less, might be an idea! She sounds positively toxic.

Chiquita your pictures are totally lovely. You look fab.

With my Family Of Narcs, I just started saying "That was rude" At first they would bluster and actually try to defend their crappy opinion of me. With the invisible horde of Mumsnet at my side I kept on saying "Why would you want to be so rude? Are you trying to make me feel bad? You're putting me down again, what's the point of that?"

They don't do it any more. When one of them starts to slip, a death stare usually suffices.

The daftest thing is, they don't really believe I'm as fat, weird, ugly and stupid as they delighted in saying. It was kind of an ingrained habit - I was the family member everyone put down. They never questioned it (neither did I) until forced to.

Very sad thread. My mother was nothing like this in terms of making critical or personal comments but I also wonder if it was partly a generational thing, as in it was frowned upon to be confident aka big headed. God forbid you ever had ideas above your station in the seventies. You would be knocked down sharpish.

And my grandmothers' generation was even worse ie very outspoken to the point of rudeness. No outward pride in anyone in the family doing well such as going to university. Snide and gossipy behind people's backs. Like an inverted snobbery.

Another one with the 'I love you but I don't always like you' comment. Sigh. I hated it, it made it feel like she only 'loved' me out of duty. Now when the kids tell me they don't like me because I've told them off for something I always reply, "That's OK, I'll always love you".

Although I do wonder since so many of us have heard it that it came from some misguided parenting guide. And if so, how many of the phrases we say now will be similarly chewed over by our children in their turn. I know my Mum hated some of the things her Mum said to her and said she'd never say them to us.

I think Mum is definitely getting worse since Dad died. He always made me feel fab and that balanced out Mum when I was younger. And I always had nice boyfriends and DH is lovely so I'm not too damaged thankfully.

My mum is exactly the same, on my wedding day my friends and my dad cried seeing me in my dress, my mum came in looked me up and down and said oh you look OK, I told her to fuck off and get out my dad had a few words and she was nice the rest of the day !

You say 'your no oil painting' but if your mums been like this all your life I bet you're gorgeous and just don't know it

That's what i thought too.

Why you would worry, looking like you do. You look fab, take no notice of any put downs

Oh, well done, MrsDV. And to DS, too!

My mum is the same and my confidence is shocking. I have really curly, bushy hair and every day I would brush it and be met by my mu saying 'have you brushed your hair?' That always stuck with me and I never wear it down now as I am paranoid.

Humidseptember:
Thankfully I live in a different continent to her, that is why I sent her the pictures since I had just called her. I see her twice a year for about 2 months in total. I keep in touch with her since my father is dead and my marriage is fucked so basically she is my only family.

My Mum was fairly constantly critical during my childhood. I don't know why. Nothing was ever good enough, be it something I'd been doing at home, my clothing choices or my school work.
Why didn't I get more A's on my school report? Clearly I hadn't been "trying hard enough". Actually I think it had more to do with secondary school bullying ramping up a gear and social exclusion, but hey, who cares about that?
One thing I remember very clearly was that if I drew a picture of anything it wasn't good enough and she would take the pencil off me and draw over it how she thought it should look. Why? This happened all the time.
Other criticisms include ripping apart the Christmas hat I made aged either 7 or 8 at school and remaking it, hating every clothing choice I made as a teen and telling me I looked stupid and telling me that I embarrassed her at church because I was always on my own. The other kids were bullying there too and she knew they didn't like me at all, but apparently it was all my fault and I should just try harder.
I was good at singing. but not good "enough". At one concert I performed in - "I'm glad you went on before X as she has a much better voice than you, you'd have sounded really bad if you'd gone on after her."
Why??
She also did the clothing size thing. I wasn't allowed anything remotely tight fitting. I was a size 8 in my teens and she had me in size 12 stuff sometimes as "that's what fitted" ie hung right off me.
She wonders why I had a severe mental breakdown aged 20 that I've never fully recovered from. Oh I wonder
It hasn't stopped into adulthood. I went for my wedding hair trial - "Why did you pick that style, it's so messy!"
Lots of odd little things after that, recently baked a cake for a church funeral and my mum said - It was ok, but you should have made it taste more strongly of coffee.
Here's the thing though, dh attended the same funeral (I couldn't go) and he said the flavour was fine! I told him what she said and his response was - "Your mum just can't give a compliment, can she?"
I can't square the circle though, after having both my children she has been an invaluable help and has really done an awful lot for me in recent years. And yet I always feel that I can't reach out as much as I'd really like and our relationship feels very superficial as I can't confide anything to her as she'd blab it about despite me asking not to and she still criticises everything.
Sorry, that's ended up a lot longer than I intended!

My Mum never intends to be critical, but she is. If ever anything went wrong in my life (from childhood onwards), it was always about what I could do differently - which made me think I was always in the wrong. She doesn't complement looks because she comes from a background where you didn't want to look like you were blowing your own or your families trumpet. Better to be modest. My dad always used to tease my slightly by putting me down (most often in front of friends).

I have always struggled with self esteem at some levels, I've never really totally believed I'm either very nice, or very attractive. As I've gotten older, I've basically just stopped thinking (or worrying about it) so much.

My mum and dad didn't give me self confidence. It took me years to realise how they demonstrated their love for me. I also see how miserable and depressed my mum can be. She struggles with all the things I do (but worse) because her generation had the same thing from their parents, but I think less self-awareness to be able to identify what their parents were doing to them. I now spend my time trying not to repeat the same behaviours with my children.

Philip Larkin said it best: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do." If you are lucky, they didn't mean to. If you are unlucky, they did. But either way, if someone hasn't got the awareness to know that a put down or nasty comment is going to upset someone (particularly someone that cares about you and your opinion), than they should be ignored. OP it really sounds like your Mum just projects her baggage shit onto you, and you SHOULD either literally or mentally tell her to shut up. Chiquita your story and pictures are evidence for why this is true. They are lovely pictures. Parents do NOT know everything, and sometimes they know nothing.

Having to look at a younger more attractive version of themselves is probably what sends some mothers down the bitch road.
Example one= My husbands ex is the same with (one of) her daughters (the one that looks like him...she's very much the opposite with the one who looks like her) She had a professional photo done of them both when they were three and four years old and basically told the four year old how dumpy she looked in comparison her little sister. "Youre Not as photogenic as your sister, she's so much more dainty and delicate than you!" Poor kids face fell. Needless to say my husband was livid.
Example 2= I ballooned in size as a 19/20 yr old (size 24!!!) but I worked to get the weight down and got to size 18... My mums wonderful words were "Well, you'll always bounce between size 18 and 20 so you'll level off now..."
I made bloody sure I didn't "level off" at that size !!
Basically, OP, your mothers attitude is a reflection of her, not of you, and as long as you keep letting her inside your head with her cruel remarks she will always win. If yourge being made feel uncomfortable in your own skin then no matter how attractive you are, you'll never see it. Take the power back , laugh off your mums jibes. She will see she can't deflate you .

You are absolutely reasonable to feel hurt and upset. Sounds like your mum is carrying a lot of her own issues and projecting them on to you. Maybe immaturity and insecurity come into this as well lack of self confidence about her own looks. I don't know how old you are but maybe the time has come for you to set some boundaries with your mum and also express your feelings instead of laughing them off. You can do this in a calm way, and she may not "get it" straight away so if she does it again, you may have to try again and again and again. Let her "listen" to you and understand how hurtful her reaction is. And ofcourse you can start treating her the way you would like her to treat you. Compliment her, tell her how lovely she looks, her hair, her smile, her clothes. Things won't change overnight but it is worth trying.

It's your opinion that counts,.as a child I was always told you have the brains your sister has the looks. It's only now looking back that I can see they were trying to make us equal in some way. A friend recently put an old school photo on Facebook andI didn't recognise a pretty girl in the back si I looked who was tagged, it was me . DH said he wasn't surprised as he thinks I'm far prettier than my sister anyway. I 'm sure you are far prettier than you think you are too

My mother had a problem too. I don't know if it's cos she saw me as some sort of threat. She was considered quite a beauty in her prime and women tend not to forget that and think they still are, despite the fact she was morbidly obese. You could never mention it though, and Dad colluded in this, to her detriment, though he did once say to me he wished she'd lose weight (I'm talking 18 stone plus here). She had a bad back and wouldn't go to the GP as she knew what they'd say.

She once told me that if I stroked the sides of my nose I could straighten it! How mad is that? I was never really told I looked nice. You get used to it in a strange kind of way. When I see these mother and daughter relationships on TV (thinks like X Factor) they are all over each other. I never ever had that. She's dead now though - wouldn't get treatment in time, didn't want to be 'bothered with at her age'.

Sorry, that was all about me, but it goes to show how many of us have had the same issue! It's hard not to take it personally I know, after all it is one's mother.