Showing my mum photos and suddenly realised why I'm so low in confidence

[Luzylou]

My mum came yesterday and I started showing her holiday pics of our trip to New York. One particular photo was a selfie I took in Central Park, laying on the grass with the bright sun on my face. Now I know I'm no oil painting and due to my lack of confidence I don't take many selfies and if I do, I tend not to show anyone them. Anyway this particular pic I was quite proud of as I thought I looked pretty fresh faced for a change and it showed the tranquility of the park so I included it in the holiday pics. Anyway her immediate reaction was to squeal "oh yikes! That's awful! Haha was that after a night out by any chance?? You look half asleep! Hehe no sorry Lou, I don't like that one!". I awkwardly laughed it off but I was hurt actually as I thought it was a decent picture. Other people that have seen it liked it so the reaction shocked me and put me on a downer.

This isn't the first example of this though, she did it recently when I showed her a photo of me at work in uniform. I thought it was a decent picture yet her first reaction was "oh Lou! What an awful picture! You look really old!! Were you stressed that day by any chance?? Haha"

She's done it loads and used to do it when I was a kid as well. I once experimented with a new hairstyle as a teen and when I went to show her she burst out laughing and said "what on earth have you done to your hair! Looks like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards!".
My confidence has always been shit (no surprises there eh!) so examples like this just mortify me and make me not bother incase I get laughed at or in case people don't like it.

Aibu to be hurt about the holiday pic? She didn't need to say it was amazing but if she didn't like it, why say anything?? I'd never dream of ripping someone's pic to bits like that, even if I did think they looked rough!

I don't know why some mums do this to their daughters, is it deliberate or do they not realise? My nan did this to my mum and she has had a complex her whole life, thinking she is unattractive and unworthy. You have my sympathy because a mum is supposed to be your biggest supporter, she needs to keep her opinion to herself more or at least think before she speaks.

My mother is exactly the same, always has been.
I've had the constant negative comments about all areas of my life, the "I love you but I don't like you" comment.
I think it would kill her if she actually said something nice to me, I dread seeing her because i'm just waiting for the comments to start.
I have tried calling her up on why she does this but I never get an apology, just a "I do it to help you". How on Gods earth can treating me like this actually help me?

She had a happy childhood and her siblings can't understand why she is like this towards me.

This is an enlightening and really sad thread. Another one here with a Mum who never praised or did any positive reinforcement. Laughs at photos or simply no nice comments. I am sorry there are so many of us.

I didn't realise how odd this was until I had my own children and it was a massive revelation. I always felt I wasn't good enough/smart enough/attractive enough. I know now that the negative comments or simply zero positive reinforcement (for anything!) destroyed what I now know as self-esteem.

I don't have as much contact with her as I used to and it makes it easier. My eyes are opened and I pick her up EVERY SINGLE time she makes a critical comment rather than a positive comment about my DTDs.
I once said to her in a conversation that I thought her mum (my gran) had probably not been very kind to her when she was a child. And she started to cry (never does this was unheard of). I am sure she has her own issues with her childhood but she is not inflicting them on my children.

I also had the 'love you but don't like you' comment. Was that a partic phrase people were told to repeat in the 70s and 80s parenting books?

When I had DS i actually spiralled into bad PND and alot of it was around finally realising just how badly I had been treated and how now I had a child I simply could not imagine treating him like that. It has taken years, and alot of counslling and I am definitely not over it. My mother also has a good line in giving the silent treatment and sulking until she gets her own way. She had an awful upbringing- emotional sexual and physical abuse so I always excused her. But I am a bit over it. And to be honest, she is the biggest reason as to why I now live in a different country to her.

I also had the 'love you but don't like you' comment. Was that a partic phrase people were told to repeat in the 70s and 80s parenting books?

I had it slightly differently phrased, more like "I love you even when I don't like you" which has better intentions.

Like "OMG you just smashed the window and told me to fuck off - well, listen up, I love you even when you're hard to like, because I'm your mother".

I still don't think it's good, but I can see how it's defensible.

FWIW I think my mother would say we knew she loved us and she didn't need to say it. As far as DB and I are concerned, she never said it, and we didn't know, and yes she did need to say it. So we're both the most demonstrative people in the world to our respective OHs and all the children in the family.

It's definitely a good thing to give focused praise - "I love you because" - but ffs there is always something positive you can find to say. Yes, some children will get frustrated and say "but is my painting good", but that doesn't mean you were wrong to focus on the colours and shapes and not the fact it looks like Sigourney Weaver snogging the Alien.

Ugh another one for "love you but don't like you". Fucking soul destroying.

MrsHathaway i agree with you about the focus. My DS is 6 and sometimes when I am cross about something he gets very distressed and asks me if I still love him. I ALWAYS say 'Of course I love you. I love you always, even if you have done something I am cross about. I always love you, no matter what'. I really emphasise it.

Omg I had the " I love you but I don't like you"
My mum also criticised my look from a teenager. Stupid hair, why are you wearing heels you're so tall, what have you done to your face etc. I have the most dreadful low self esteem. It took a while but I started to think it must be true.

Chiquita I just wanted to say you are beautiful!

Exactly!

And on a similar note, I try to turn the focus when we're dealing with bad behaviour - eg "it's horrible to hit your brother and you're usually so kind, like the time you ..."

As pp said, it's baffling to hear "don't do that" without hearing "instead, do this, which I know you're capable of".

My mother is like this too. I used to think I had exaggerated her critical ways in my head, and was a silly child remembering it incorrectly.

Very common with toxic people. They deny they have ever said anything remotely like you are remembering, and you have the problem for making up such sick stuff about your own mother.

And yes to this: She also perpetually tries to get me into clothes that are too big for me.. She told me when I was about six that I had the "bottom of the family" and was constantly telling me how pear shaped I was and how I had plenty of meat on my backside. When I was a size 8-10 aged 19 and my sister was similar, she bought us knickers as part of our Christmas present, and she chose 12-14s for me Why?! DSis said "Sukey's a size 8!" and she said really huffily "Well I thought she was a 14!" I wouldn't care about being a size 12-14, except that I'm nowhere near it and am generally considered to be extremely slim. Did she just never look at me properly?

My sister-in-law rarely ever says anything positive about me or our house. I know I am stylish and attractive and the house is interesting and stylish in an Elle Decoration magazine type of way. I do catch her, however, looking at the interior of the house or at me with such a pursed lips look. Lol

The last time I saw her she actually did say I was lucky to have thick straight hair. I was really gobsmacked. A compliment?! Wow. I had caught her looking shrewishly at it though on a number of occasions before she said this.

People who do this sort of thing are mean-spirited and jealous. The sad thing is it makes you withhold nice comments to them. They reap what they sow.

That mothers do it is really nasty.

My mum also used to accuse me of looking 'miserable',just because I didn't go around with a permanent grin on my face. Yet she used to be rude about people who were always 'grinning'. Said they looked smug! And she was frequently rude about my hair. I have long considered my hair to be one of my better points (I don't have many). It is very thick,quite long and wavy and naturally blonde. My mum suffered from thinning hair most of her life,so I think it made her feel better to criticise mine,by saying it was 'a mess,didn't suit me being so long,or the colour didn't suit my complexion'. It was my DD eventually who told me it was obvious she was just jealous of it. And to ignore it.

I'm so sorry OP and all of you who've suffered similar parenting. My DM is very similar, she's quite a negative person and says mean stuff about how I looked as a baby ffs. Always laughs it off. I can't even write it down it makes me so cross still. Was never told I love you. Hardly remember being hugged unless really really upset (DD has a bad temper and upset us all).
It's hard but like others here I go right the other way with my dcs.
I make an effort as an adult to be nice to my mum and compliment her, and she will now do it back which is great ... I wish she wasn't the way she is/was but that's life and she has her reasons.
As I've analysed it I've tried my best to accept it and not let it upset me any more. Hope you can get to that place OP. Your DM is the one with a problem.

It's surprising how many mums are like this I don't know what they expect from their daughters but what we do is never enough.Take solace from the fact that we all support you xx

It's hard isn't it and it's probably generational. This is the type of thing my mum would say to me looking at holiday snaps. I often find myself being negative to my daughters and it is so very sad.
Just try to remember that you like the pics and her opinion shouldn't count more than the several other people who thought you looked nice.

Chiquita1, I think you look pretty, not at all fat and flabby, and your face is not saggy. I would be proud if I had a daughter that looked like that. I think this is your mum's issue, and I would try not to let these unpleasant comments get to you, if you can.

I would love to ask these people if they realise how hurtful their comments are! Or to reply, if you can't say anything nice don't bother but in reality we don't... Maybe we should? Have realised recently that only I can make myself happy so try not to take it to heart and BE happy.

Luzylou, YADNBU. That's just so wrong. I feel it says a lot about your mum. Sympathy.

It really sounds as if these mums have their own issues. My guess is they either don't realise they're doing it or they do but they don't know how to stop. Whichever way it is completely their problem. Can I suggest trying out Martha Beck's books? She talks through doing what is right for you - even if it means leaving family behind. (I think it's Finding Your Own North Star but they're all good!)

I know it's hard - It'd be hard if it was any person but you grow up thinking your mum knows best - but you really do have to ignore what these women are saying and believe in yourself. And most of all learn to love yourself so these types of comments bounce off you.

You are beautiful and strong women so keep smiling!

That is truly horrible of your mum. no wonder you have low self esteem. Try to hold on to the good comments everyone else has said about and just remember that it's not because your ugly but because your mum can't be happy that you do well for yourself that she is trying to drag you down. Don't let her win.

How awful,my mother in law used to do this to my husband...... And still does and it has knocked his confidence. Ignore her. Almost as if it's a jealousy thing. You know you looked pretty in those pictures, sod what she thinks.

My DM also did this and still does but with regard to my personality rather than looks. it has held me back in relationships all my life. I still find it hard to approach new people as I automatically assume they will find me boring and unpleasant.
on a rational level one realizes that it is much more about them than you but still it is hard to feel good about yourself when the one person who is supposed to be always on your side makes clear they basically dislike you. That was my life from the age of 7 or younger. Very hard to shake that off.

Sorry she is like this. Unfortunately I think it's very common. 'What's wrong with your skin', you look like a boy in those trousers'. 'Too much eyeliner' yada yada. I blossomed in my late teens and was v pretty in my 20s to 30s but had v mixed confidence. Both v confident but very very fragile. It upsets me to remember how she wAs, she died sometime ago and that's not what I want to remember her by. But this has reminded me and it wasn't nice. I'm so sorry your mum does this. If it helps I think my mum never realised how it impacted me and would've been shocked. It was more about her than me. Funnily enough my dad did it to her and she was gorgeous.
We just need to try and brush it off and not pass it down to our kids.
If you felt you look good in those pics you probably do. We are out own worst critics.
Smile xx

Ladies - look up narcissistic personality disorder. My mother has been the bain of my life, all my life and I had an aha moment when I read about NPD and being a daughter to such a person. Hope it helps.

OMG, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because the same just happened to me, I just came back from sevilla

I heard a phrase a long time ago - shit in their eyes.....they simply cant see anything good or nice because they have....shit in their eyes.

Maybe a phrase you could trot out at some point to them?

Chiquita, honestly you look FABULOUS, I really wouldn't have commented on your pic at all if I didn't think that.

BTW Sevilla...would love to go there!

Why do you both put up with it? I have to say - my own DM occasionally commented on my appearance but this was 10% mixed in with lots of compliments about my looks and oodles of love and I never took it personally but truthfully.

Its al very well saying ignore it but sometimes for self esteem its good to say something back