Wow,'I could have written that original post myself!
It's beyond me, being a mother myself now, how my DM could/can behave so rudely, abusively and cruel at my physical appearance in the flesh and in photos. Her FB profile is telling IMHO that she has a photograph of absolutely everyone, including distant relatives from both sides of the family. Except none whatsoever of me. None at all.
I can't imagine anyone who has contributed to this post, who would behave in the same way, to their own children, because of our own childhoods. Mind you, we probably make other mistakes because of our experiences, as none of us are aupposed to be perfect!😉
I know that I wouldn't behave like my DM, that's for sure. I've made a point of treating my DC exactly the same, with much love, loads of cuddles/huggles, kindness, compassion, positive compliments, fairness, open to any forms of discussion whatsoever and yes, I think I've got them pretty well sussed. I know I was so much like my wild child, DS, despite what he thinks. Although he's now sensing that I have a 'past' (I just hint knowingly, but don't spill any beans. It wouldn't be fair to SH, anyway. The more mysterious DS views me, the more respect I seem to get, lol. He has to learn and accept that I haven't always been his mother and married to his father my entire life, and the same applies to his father! I most definitely 'lived''. I'm so glad in hindsight, due to my incurable chronic conditions that I now endure, that I did all those wild and wonderful things. My DD on the other hand is very predictable. She's the total opposite to me; and she's most definitely not a wild child! She very much takes after DH, in that respect. She likes to be safe, whereas DS enjoys risk taking sports and socialising! I find it fascinating to watch them growing up and developing into adulthood. It really does make me smile when on occasion they both sometimes go into the other's bedroom and feel they can offload and are both very amicable and caring of the other.. There's no evidence of resentment between them.
I go out of my way to not duplicate DM's behaviour to my own children as I'm sure other MNer's do too. I listen to them both, ask about their days,etc and respect their thoughts and feelings. I've tried to teach them that there are occasions where we just have to accept that sometimes other people have differences of opinion, and that we can beg to differ, but not to fall out about it. I'm sure many other MNer's feel the same way as I do.
Chocness, I had the same dilemma as you regarding presents to my parents, from whom I'm now cut off. My DP's agreed very readily to my decision instantly and I get the distinct feeling of a sense of relief from them. I know it's better for me too; physically and mentally. I decided in the end to give Amazon vouchers as you can buy just about everything imaginable with those! I felt they weren't personalised and they were not in the least really personally imaginative, as I used to spend hours thinking, planning and getting, which has never been appreciated or acknowledged. It's a struggle too walk too far these days, due to my disabilities, too. She never thinks/asks me what I would like or for any ideas, so why should I?! I just get the predictable cash. Also, I know that she can't regift the voucher to someone else😂! She would have no choice but to buy something for herself. That way it should be perfect and exactly to her taste. I covered my back too, by sending it recorded (the free one) delivery. That way it couldn't be claimed that it was lost in the post as has occurred before. I won't lower myself to her standards.
AIBU because I feel somewhat undermined. DM has never bothered with our children before. Never. And they're both in their early twenties. She's always been tied up,doing things for my siblings DC, never mine. The DC have asked me before and I've always felt awkward answering them because I didn't know why she/they always took out my siblings DC and not mine. If she does have a grievance she should take it out on me, to my face, rather than 'punishing my
DC. Now, out of the blue, she's contacted both my children via their mobiles, with no mention to my husband (and obviously not me) who's still talking to her. DM had arranged outings with them separately. For the first time in their entire llive's, DS was taken food shopping and a really mice meal
out late last week. Then she's also contacted DD and arranged to visit an exhibition, then shopping and lunch out, afterwards. Always somewhere moderately expensive. DM also invited DD & BF to a buffet lunch, at theirs, the following day.. She's never done this before for either of them, only my siblings DC. I've only ever been asked to lunch twice in ten years! I think my DC are feeling somewhat bewildered at all this sudden attention they're now suddenly receiving for the first time in their lives.
AIBU, thinking that DM is actually using them to get at me? It's exactly the sort of thing she would do,tbh. She does and has played dirty in the past, even with her own DM. I just resent my DC being used as pawns and at some point she'll lose interest. Then they'll be left feeling hurt. I know if I spoke to either of them now, they won't be able to see that. Maybe my DS, a tad. He's always been suspicious of her motives since she's really let rip and shouted at him several times. He really doesn't forget! I'm very worried... 🤔🙄😔