To want to tell this girl's mum about how nasty she has been to DD?

[MurphyJim]

DD has just started secondary school. She has gone up to secondary school with a group of friends that she spent most of her primary school years hanging round with. One of them, I'll refer to her as G, is very much the head of the group of friends and has been unkind to DD quite a bit over the years. Mainly low level nastiness such as telling others in the group not to talk to DD, or making fun of DD and getting others to laugh at her. She is very manipulative.

G's mum is, unfortunately, one of those mums who thinks her DD is absolutely perfect and is the first to get on the phone to, or approach, the mum of any child who has made a tiny or perceived slight towards her child. I have heard of it happening many a time throughout primary school, and she has phoned me a couple of times in the past about things such as my DD not being her DD's partner in PE and her DD being upset.

Anyway, today it's G's birthday and she has had a huge party/disco in a hall, followed by a sleepover with several friends. She has told DD since they went back to school 3 weeks ago that she was inviting everyone except DD, as she doesn't want DD there. And true to her word she invited the rest of their friendship group, as well as every other new friend DD has made at secondary school. And didn't invite DD.

This in itself was upsetting enough for DD. However all through the party this evening G has repeatedly sent DD texts with photos of her and all of DD's friends having fun at the party with captions such as "I love my besties". She also tried to facetime DD several times throughout the party, presumably to rub it in DD's face that she wasn't there! DD sensibly ignored the texts and calls, but was understandably very upset.

I am so angry about it all and feel like giving this girl's mum a call or a text tomorrow just to let her know about how upset DD is by G's behaviour. Especially as the mum is always the first person to complain and to kick up a huge fuss if her DD is upset.

WIBU to contact the mum? I don't want to make things worse for DD.

I'd take it to the school on the basis they 'keep an eye', not necessarily deal with this individual incident. As your daughter sounds like she's doing that well - depending how today went obviously.
Horrid girls and I wouldn't engage with the mother.

I would inform the school and keep screenshots of the messages. Don't go behind your daughters back though, explain what you're doing and why.

Yanbu. I probably wld tell the mother to tell her bitch of a dd to step off. Made me angry reading yr op. What a nasty bitch. Karma will bite her sorry ass one day 😊

Threatening a child with exclusion for 'a whiff of nastiness

Never been on the receiving end then?

A bullied child will cry themselves to sleep - stop eating or caring for themselves - they try to 'keep up' and get more of the smart treatment - whatever they do isn't good enough. They lose interest in school and school work. They stop trusting adults - who are supposed to help them but true a blind eye -

They have years of self doubt and lack confidence in themselves and their abilities

A few white lies - MEH - possible exclusion? Beats the alternative.

cody what stupid idiot said that! Bullying like this can even lead to suicide! There is no evidence that this is a one off, I believe it will continue into school, op should be informing the teacher, HOY so that they can keep tabs on it. Be open with dd, encourage her to come to you if she has any more of this.

Inform the school to keep an eye on it and plan some class discussions around this type of bullying . The bystanders are the key and need to realise bullying is not cool and should not be tolerated . In general the bully may have a set personality but you can influence how your daughter reacts and chooses to distance herself and does not give the bully any oxygen . Long term bullying does cause problems and can lead to self esteem and mental health issues it needs to be taken very very seriously .
I have had similar problems and they resolved by my daughter moving herself away from the bully , if possible it may be necessary to facilitate this by organising, sleepovers , small gatherings etc - painful to do but it works and I see no need to invite everyone and especially not the bully if she can't behave she will have to learn it does not reap rewards.

Aerogirl - 'twas Little owl -

Reads like cyber bullying to me.

This is almost exactly the same situation my sister was in with my niece and her "friends". My sister regrets speaking to the other girl's mum. It resolved nothing, and my niece was embarrassed. Encourage your daughter to make new friends and block these nasty ones on all social media outlets.

I notice none of those criticising Cauli's approach offer an alternative solution. It's easy to stand on the sidelines and throw stones - how about trying to be constructive?

Firstly, I would tell your DD that the party obviously wasn't so great if G kept texting and facetime. She may have done it rub your dd's nose in it but it also means she was thinking about your DD and it is potentially worrying behaviour.. Secondly, I would tell your DD to politely withdraw from this friendship as she sounds like quite a difficult girl with the potential to ruin your daugher's confidence. It is difficult when there are a group and the fear of being left out by the whole group is hard to deal with.

I guess this is the learning part of socialising at school! but I completely sympathise with you, I know it is heartbreaking for you. But you have to bite your tongue it sounds to me hearing that you have complained to her mum will be music to this girls ears! sounds like she wants to see your daughter upset and if it was me I would not give her the satisfaction!

This is bullying. The school needs to know first of all and then her mother. Keep all evidence. The bullying needs to stop.

Hi op do you have an update at all? hope your DC is okay x

So Goblin as you seem to know everything and can so clearly see why cauliflower has zero training maybe you'd like to impart some of your wisdom re how to handle this better? It's people who minimise this kind of bullying and call it a 'bit of nastiness' that cause so many kids to have their school years ruined, confidence in life crushed and education blighted.
People seem to forget that cauliflowers first port of call was to call g in and let her give her side of the story, so if this has all been a misunderstanding g's side will be told won't it.

I wonder where kids learn this behaviour, surely it must be from their parents

I don't think so. Genes aren't everything. Otherwise we would all get on with our parents and do exactly what they do and siblings would behave identically! Nothing to do with "apple not falling far from the tree" etc. I don't think many parents condone bullying although I had a bad experience with someone's mother stirring up trouble when I was at primary school (and the school did nothing) so it's not entirely impossible, especially given what you've said about her attitudes.

This is more like pack behaviour, which is learnt in school and other group situations. Kids can behave every differently in school than they do at home, or in other situation where you don't have 30 of the same age vying for attention.

I would not speak to the mother given the history. I'd go to the school in this situation, having had a good look at their anti-bullying and behaviour policies beforehand. It may be that they won't deal with behaviour outside school, but some schools take social media issues very seriously wherever they happen. I've checked my son's behaviour policy and they do include bullying via social media so it's definitely worth raising with the school.

'Sounds like she has some kind of jealousy problems with your DD, and as others have said, why spend time at such a 'fabulous' party obsessing about and contacting someone who isn't there? All this aside, this girl is a seriously nasty bitch and should be avoided at all costs. DD would be better off with no friends than to have her around - she sounds toxic. There must be other girls who would be far better companions, and remember that girls like G don't have 'friends' - they have sad little 'groupies' who are frightened of them. In the end, they all grow up and girls like G end up alone.

I would go to school and mum but school first - I suspect the mother knew on some level her daughter was being unkind because surely she knew your daughter was the only one not there - I would want to confront her in person with her daughter and show her the messages but I would wait until you've shown the school so her bully of a daughter is caught off guard . I personally would want to know if my child was being like this so I could deal with it . Your daughter although clearly hurt by this has shown incredible strength of character not to retaliate- you must be very proud of her - what a little gem xxxx I feel your pain as my lovely son goes through it a lot xxxx

Josie does karate. This really helps her problems with bullies, you should encourage her to join a club or something and make some new friends. Good luck!

Wow that's harsh.

I read Cauliflower's suggestion thinking, "ooff,two wrongs don't make a right" and all that...

But after digesting it I think it is very experienced and considered approach that has obviously reaped resolutions in the past. And believe me, that is not the way I navigate life.

If this girl is showing herself as a bully on day one, then I feel like she has kindof forfeited her right to transparency. It's just so unkind. So nasty.

I'm glad I don't have to make those judgement calls.

Speak to the school. A pastoral care leader or her form tutor. School will then keep an eye and involve your dd in activities to get her away from this set. I felt sick when reading your post as my dd went through a similar situation for a couple of years. A queen bee being a complete b**ch to dd and actually admitted it recently in sixth form common room. It ruined her years 9, 10 and half year 11.she eventually moved to a different group of lovely girls but it was tough for her to do that as she hates being confrontational. My dd moved from there to continue sixth form elsewhere and she is so happy! I hope that the twerp that was horrible to my dd gets her comeuppance! I hope the same for the madam that is being horrible to your dd.

I think you'd be justified contacting the Mother, she's contacted you before now about issues, this is far more serious. I think I'd feel more inclined because of the way the mother has dealt with her own dd issues in the past. Yes, it's very hard knowing you have to broach something like this with a parent but if this was me I'd feel less awkward about it because she has done exactly the same.

I'd also contact the school. Ask for a meeting and take in paper copies of everything or email the screenshots etc giving the facts just has you have in here.

Cauliflower's post is brilliant.

My dd had a friend like this Luckily her true friends realised how shallow this girl was. Doubly lucky was the girl moving away and balance was restored. My dd had to fight her own corner though and get her friends back herself, despite only being in Year 5. They were scared of g but their friendship was strong enough to stand up to her together. Organize something for your dd and her besties to do, even if it's just a pamper session so they can rebuild their friendship. They'll realize who their real bffs are. If they don't then your dd needs to build new friendships. There is sadly no point involving the mum, who sounds as manipulative as the g. You could make the school aware as this is emotional bullying. It won't be an easy path though.

I wouldn't message the mum but would definitely keep the evidence. It sounds like G may be jealous of your DD and likely that there may be issues in the future. If so, and the mum sends you one of her messages, reply with all of your evidence and see what she has to say about her not so perfect little angel.
I really feel for your daughter, I hope she can stay strong and hopefully the others will see through G's nastiness.

Hope everything is going better for your dd op!

I too am struggling to see the problem with the 'white lies' of Cauli's approach. If it's effective at stamping out bullying, what's the problem? I thought it was genius. I'd love to have her at my son's school. Not one of the (very small minority of) posters who have an 'issue' with her approach have offered any kind of workable alternative. Just let the bullying carry on then, eh?