To want to tell this girl's mum about how nasty she has been to DD?

[MurphyJim]

DD has just started secondary school. She has gone up to secondary school with a group of friends that she spent most of her primary school years hanging round with. One of them, I'll refer to her as G, is very much the head of the group of friends and has been unkind to DD quite a bit over the years. Mainly low level nastiness such as telling others in the group not to talk to DD, or making fun of DD and getting others to laugh at her. She is very manipulative.

G's mum is, unfortunately, one of those mums who thinks her DD is absolutely perfect and is the first to get on the phone to, or approach, the mum of any child who has made a tiny or perceived slight towards her child. I have heard of it happening many a time throughout primary school, and she has phoned me a couple of times in the past about things such as my DD not being her DD's partner in PE and her DD being upset.

Anyway, today it's G's birthday and she has had a huge party/disco in a hall, followed by a sleepover with several friends. She has told DD since they went back to school 3 weeks ago that she was inviting everyone except DD, as she doesn't want DD there. And true to her word she invited the rest of their friendship group, as well as every other new friend DD has made at secondary school. And didn't invite DD.

This in itself was upsetting enough for DD. However all through the party this evening G has repeatedly sent DD texts with photos of her and all of DD's friends having fun at the party with captions such as "I love my besties". She also tried to facetime DD several times throughout the party, presumably to rub it in DD's face that she wasn't there! DD sensibly ignored the texts and calls, but was understandably very upset.

I am so angry about it all and feel like giving this girl's mum a call or a text tomorrow just to let her know about how upset DD is by G's behaviour. Especially as the mum is always the first person to complain and to kick up a huge fuss if her DD is upset.

WIBU to contact the mum? I don't want to make things worse for DD.

I'd speak to the mum just because it sounds like her daughter is used to getting her own way and her behaviour is not challenged. You have evidence with the texts so she can't deny it.
Just be prepared for her mother to spin it so her daughter has done no wrong or she'll pull the "I know she's no angel" line whilst treating her like she's godstill gift to the world. I have experience of this with DD1 make sure she deletes and blocks her on any social media and Txt etc and any of this girls close acolytes. If they are going to talk about you, you don't have to see it xx

Definitely agree with the screenshot.

She's jealous of your DD and wants to hurt her.

I feel so angry about this, as my niece is going through similar crap. Deffo speak to the school. They need to be on the alert. There are other things I'd like to say but they involve an awful lot of swearing.

I would definitely screen shot the messages. I'd be inclined to speak to the school. I had a situation with my son and a couple of boys who were supposed to be his friend and spoke to their parents. One of them was reasonable but the other was a complete asshole about it (the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree)!

Screen shot the texts, and do tell the school.

It might be worth doing some FB snooping to see if your DD is being mocked or made fun of in some way there.

This sounds quite serious to me - as if your DD was the target of a party set up to hurt her.

There's really no point. Even if she believed you (she won't) she won't admit she believes you or do anything about it.

Screenshot & block.
Unless the rest of the friendship group are equally vile, the others will know that this girl is out of order. Most children hate this kind of thing but may be too scared to confront the ringleader.
If they are joining in, it's time to make new friends.

The mother won't care BTW. Apples don't fall far from the tree.
Block the mother too & cut her out. Explain to other Mums (if you know them) what has happened & why you've done it.

I'd pass on that retort to your DD for use on Monday. "Did you get all my texts?" "Yes, I was surprised you spent your entire party trying to contact me. That bored, were you?"

This is not low level. This is full on exclusion which is bullying, I think you need a long conversation with her parents

I hope your DD is ok. Big hugs to her- the early years of secondary can be hard.

MurphyJim please ask your daughter what she would like you to do. Whether you follow exactly what she wants you to do or not is up to you, because you may decide that one course of action is better.

I think the advice for her to back away slowly is very wise.

I would definitely save all evidence of bullying, because exclusion is bullying.

If this continues, I would speak to the other mum and I might even speak to the schoolIF this affects her schooling (that sometimes seems all the schools are really interested in). And I'd tell IF I felt this was for the best for your dd.

I think it very wrong that this child has done this to your dd. Really cruel and she does sound borderline obsessed. Keep all evidence because this behaviour is vindictive and to me obsessive needs to be watched! She wants to hurt your dd, maybe she is jealous of her or simply knows she can hurt her.

Did her friends ask where she was? Did any text her to see why she was not there? If all her friends accept this sort of behavior then shame on them and when she has made new friends maybe one of them will face this horrible bully's side.

Please do allow your dd to have her say to you about what should happen. I would love to tell the other mum just have nasty her daughter is but not if your dd is sure she would rather tackle it another way.

Pretty shit party if all you want to do is bully someone who is not there!

thanks

should be

My dd is 8 next month and I dread the day I can't actively stand up for her. I am teaching her how to stand up for herself, to not be walked all over etc but it's so hard. No one warns you about this side of being a parent!

Good luck op

I DEF don't think you should contact the mum. It won't help and will only show her DD that the arrows hit their mark.

MUCH better for your DD to swan in on Monday unconcerned.

The party was obviously shit if the host spent all her time on the internet. Your DD should be aware of that.

Agree that the school should know, and also agree you should keep a record of all the messages for future reporting.

There will be a massive year group - your DD will make other friends.

This is only important if you make it so. So do the opposite and take the power away from the bullies. Make it a non-incident.

You and your DD have the power to do this.

I agree with Ilive - it's not low level.

It's spiteful and mean. If you are not sure how supportive the mum is, tell her how you're sure she feels...

I think I would screenshot, put them in an email and say

Dear XX
I understand G had a party this weekend, to which DD was not invited. DD was not surprised, because G had told her repeatedly over the first three weeks of term that she was not invited. I told DD not to worry about it - as you can imagine she was hurt as she considers herself to be in the same friendship group.

However, I am contacting you not about the party or the comments beforehand, but because DD was at the receiving end of these texts from G, which I have screen shot below and, as you can imagine, she was extremely upset. There were, in addition, several FaceTime calls which came through. I know you will be as appalled by this as I was. I have advised DD to block the number and wanted you to know why. I am in two minds about how to proceed if I'm honest. Clearly G does not want to be friends with DD, but to be treated like this, especially when they are adjusting to a new school, is terribly hard. I'm sure you understand. Can I count on you to speak to G about this? If there are any further issues or attempts to contact her like this I will ask the school for advice. I know they work hard on cyberbullying but hopefully G can have the potential consequences explained by you.

Wow this girl is an absolute dick, however I would not get involved. If they were your DD true friend they would not entertain this girl

tbh everyone saying to talk to the mother I do not get what good will come of it. When I was bullied in school all the bully had to do was tell her mum it was me and it was her mum who was ironically ringing my mum to complain about me.
I just feel like saying something will make it worse, this girl is jealous of your daughter (like my bully was to me) and if you are saying she is manipulative then she will turn the other girls on your daughter (like my bully did)

I am talking from experience.

What do you suggest herface what could your Mum have done to stop the bullying?
As I said in my previous post I can protect my dd now she is 7 but what happens as the dc get older? School won't listen or don't care. The bully never faces consequences as the parents are the same or dismiss the childs behaviour

I'll never forget my mother one day when I came home from high school upset about some friendship issues. "Darling, one thing you will learn in life is that some people are just fucking little bitches, and will always be fucking little bitches and you need to let that be their problem, not yours."

The mum of this particular 'fucking little bitch' is not going to care about her precious daughter's behavior, because let's face it, she probably learnt it all from her. Encourage your daughter to make new friendships, and teach her how to use the block function on her phone and social media.

I agree with the others that said the mother probably won't care, her daughter likely got a lot of this from her. I can see her either denying it all or trying to twist it around to blame your poor DD, then going back to her daughter with "Oh you won't believe what X's Mum just said" so they know they got to your DD. Take screenshots and keep a diary of any incidents, and make sure the school knows. If they are aware the teachers can at least keep an eye on things and your DD has somebody to go to there.

If they are going along with it then being reliant on that friendship group will keep exposing her to this nastiness over and over, hopefully soon she will find friends free from this.

I've been in your DD's position, for her and for you. It gets so much better when you get away from them, being happy is the best revenge against a bully.

Your poor daughter.

Bullies get away with so much. This girl will probably always be a cow. A cow who tries to hurt people's feelings by vocally leaving other people out of things.

Encourage your daughter to make new friends and move on from this toxic baggage. Your daughter will make true friends.

(but do screenshot all the texts)

I think Cauliflower's email is brilliant and I would definitely send it. It's not low level nastiness, it's a campaign of bullying and harassment and the other girl should be called out on it.

Herface is right.

As I said before the mother won't believe G has done anything wrong (even if she does believe you she'll never admit it). You will then get a torrent of reasons why your dd is to blame and how upset poor G is at being accused of being a bully. Then your dd will feel worse and G will feel vindicated and possibly step up the bullying.

Believe me I have been there, for the t shirt. You'll be wasting your breath.

Don't bother contacting the mother, just go straight to the school and show them the evidence. This is a pretty clear-cut case of bullying and the school have a duty to deal with it

Present the evidence to mum and I'd do it in a "I'd be grateful for any help in making this stop" way giving her the benefit of the doubt that she isn't a total shit. How awful for you both