To want to tell this girl's mum about how nasty she has been to DD?

[MurphyJim]

DD has just started secondary school. She has gone up to secondary school with a group of friends that she spent most of her primary school years hanging round with. One of them, I'll refer to her as G, is very much the head of the group of friends and has been unkind to DD quite a bit over the years. Mainly low level nastiness such as telling others in the group not to talk to DD, or making fun of DD and getting others to laugh at her. She is very manipulative.

G's mum is, unfortunately, one of those mums who thinks her DD is absolutely perfect and is the first to get on the phone to, or approach, the mum of any child who has made a tiny or perceived slight towards her child. I have heard of it happening many a time throughout primary school, and she has phoned me a couple of times in the past about things such as my DD not being her DD's partner in PE and her DD being upset.

Anyway, today it's G's birthday and she has had a huge party/disco in a hall, followed by a sleepover with several friends. She has told DD since they went back to school 3 weeks ago that she was inviting everyone except DD, as she doesn't want DD there. And true to her word she invited the rest of their friendship group, as well as every other new friend DD has made at secondary school. And didn't invite DD.

This in itself was upsetting enough for DD. However all through the party this evening G has repeatedly sent DD texts with photos of her and all of DD's friends having fun at the party with captions such as "I love my besties". She also tried to facetime DD several times throughout the party, presumably to rub it in DD's face that she wasn't there! DD sensibly ignored the texts and calls, but was understandably very upset.

I am so angry about it all and feel like giving this girl's mum a call or a text tomorrow just to let her know about how upset DD is by G's behaviour. Especially as the mum is always the first person to complain and to kick up a huge fuss if her DD is upset.

WIBU to contact the mum? I don't want to make things worse for DD.

Agree that Cauli's approach is fantastic.

Yes Cauliflowers post is great BUT it assumes that the school will be willing to deal with it. Sadly lots don't deal with bullying and though they have anti bullying policies they fail utterly to adhere to them, in fact many schools have a real issue with admitting (even to themselves) that have bullying problems at all.

Go to the school. Cauli is right. Go to the school. And insist they treat it as bullying / bullying behaviour with the screen shots, etc

Ugh this brings back some memories. A girl did exactly this to me in high school and made my life hell for a good few years. In retrospect, it was at the time I abruptly went from rather odd-looking child to conventionally-attractive teenager (didn't realize it at the time of course). The only cure is to disengage and find real friends. Mean girls don't change ime.

I would text the mother and state that you have had to block her daughter because she's cyber bullying your DD. This is one of many incidents and must stop now

Oh wow Cauli I wish you worked at my dc's school. Can you write a training manual for teachers on how to deal with nasty girls?

Definitely go to the school. It is bullying and needs to be dealt with. Schools seem to be very hot on clamping down on cyber bullying so hopefully it will get resolved.

Your daughter should take solace in the fact that "G" was thinking about her throughout the night. Your daughter is obviously making this girl jealous if she feels the need to exclude her so dramatically, yet be on her mind so frequently when she's supposed to be having a great time with all her "besties".

Cauli. You sound fab.

bloody hell cauli you are the bees knees. i wish i had you fighting in my corner.

Ah, thanks guys. It works because I've done it several times.

Cauliflower - shame not all schools have teachers like you. Do you have any advice for a parent if/when the school do nothing or not follow even their own policy on anti-bullying? The orig posts sounds almost word for word like the situation a friend of mine is in with her DD, right down to the bully's initial! I've been helping her deal, writing letters to school, keeping file of incidents, witnesses etc. All so far to no avail. Just sent a complaint to the Gov board and await their response. But it should never get that far. I hope the OPs school is better at dealing with this if she does report it, but the advice on how to help her daughter help herself is all good too.

There is a very good article here about this situation:
smceducationblog.tumblr.com/post/150629869120/girls-and-their-frenemies
Its called relational aggression. My dd has managed to shake off one "frenemie" but another girl has filled the gap.

Cauliflower

DD HOY has dealt with bullies in this matter - he never dropped anyone in it

I've heard - someone complained - etc keep the bullied child safe and as you say decides and conquers the group

It's easy to be caught up in these situations but hard to get out off - intervention will split those who know its wrong and those who don't care

DD bully is now a very lonely child because she alienated everybody with her shitty behaviour

Tell DD be nice don't retaliate don't gossip - she will look much better than sinking to the bullies level

Good luck and do keep us posted

TAKE cauliflower response in to school .... Get them to add it to there training schedules

I would contact the school as it's bullying behaviour. Screenshot the texts and send them too. Revolting child.

Before I had my own kids I was Head of Year 7 in a big co-ed school for about 8 years. This kind of behaviour amongst girls is horribly common as they try to establish themselves in their new friendship groups.

Your DD sounds very sensible and has clearly done the right thing in ignoring the texts. Undoubtedly, tomorrow morning G will mention them to her and ask if she received them. Prime her with a great breezy response along the lines of, 'I didn't get them until the next morning because I was busy doing x y or z.'

I think I would definitely speak to the mother and show her the texts. I would also email DD's tutor/HOY so that they know what's going on and can monitor it in school.

Tell your DD to throw herself into every club going at school so that she can make lots of new friends whilst continuing not to rise to G's spite.

Take it too the school, screenshots of it all, check fb, twitter, instagram, snapchat ( if you can?) for anything there. Don't bother with the mother as it probably won't do Ny good.

call would have loved to have you fighting my corner in school!

Go to the school. Not all schools will be as wonderful at handling a situation like this as the amazing Cauliflower, but the texts and such are your trump card.

You have evidence that this has happened. The school cannot say it is a "friendship issue".

If they want to do that, get a copy of their bullying policy (most likely online). Highlight all the bits pertaining to your DD, and G, and make sure they handle it. Keep taking it to a higher level, if needed. (Probably won't be needed.)

Best of luck to your DD, and hopefully this will all be a distant memory in a few months time. (It was when something similar happened to DD2, but it's a bit soon to tell re something similar which happened to DS, but it's looking hopeful.)

Cauliflower, that is completely brilliant. Are teachers taught to deal with it like this?

I agree with the advice to screenshot all the evidence and send it to the school. Don't bother contacting the mother as she will naturally feel defensive towards her daughter no matter how horrible her behaviour had been. Once you have all the screenshots your DD needs to block the bully on all social media and phones.

Unfortunately, many schools fall far short of what Cauliflower suggested so be prepared to be called into a meeting with both girls and the bitchy mother. I think I would refuse to attend such a meeting and ask the school for a separate meeting as your DD doesn't want to face her bully directly in front of a teacher (because she's been bullying her and it's upsetting - some teachers really do need this explained to them!). Hopefully, your school is more effective at dealing with this situation than some I've worked in. Don't hesitate to escalate this with the school governors, ofsted, the local authority or the police if the school turn out to be rubbish at sorting this out.

Make sure that you do something nice with your DD today so that she can have a pleasant distraction even if it's just having her favourite meal while watching a tv programme she likes.

I'd have a halloween party for your DD and not invite this other girl. Get your daughter to do the same back. How'd you like them apples?

I wouldn't bother with the mum or the school tbh. The mum will know that your dd has been excluded so clearly supports it possibly due to something your dd is supposed to have done. Sending texts saying she is having a great time with her besties, while clearly done to upset your dd, is stopping short of actually calling names or anything and will likely be explained away as her showing she's still having fun despite what your dd is supposed to have done. Just get your dd to steer clear of her and anyone else who's knowingly going along with the excluding.

Gosh just read back a bit and actually a bit shocked that a head of year would lie about what had happened not only to pupils but parents as well and stir the pot in a way that seems designed only to get revenge on the bully child. If I was a parent of a child being bullied I would expect facts from the school not to be told that other girls were supportive of my dd when they are actually complicit in the bullying all as part of some kind of mind game directed at the ringleader!

bum if your post was about cauli I think you are just seeing things in black and white. Teachers do know their pupils and an experienced HOY will know just how to protect the identity of the bullied while providing a good outcome for all parties. I think cali handled it perfectly.