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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexual Assault by Teens?

156 replies

rainysunday7 · 24/09/2016 20:20

There was an incident on a school trip (15 year olds). The boys pinned her down a girl and touched her inappropriately, putting their hands up her top, pulling her hair etc. . There were about seven of them.

It was reported to the school by another student. The school intervied the girl who admitted it had happened. The boys were excluded for a couple of days while the school investigated.

The girl was asked if she wanted to press charges against them, she didn't want to so the boys returned to school.

She has lost most of her friends as they say she should have told them loudly to stop (she said she did) but apparently not loud enough. They said she deserved it as she is a "slag" anyway and wants sympathy. One of the boys was going to spit on her but stopped. Her friends say that he didn't in the end so she should "get over it and stop being an attention seeking drama queen".

Her so called friends are backing up these boys and threatening her on behalf of the boys but the school have only given them a talking to.

Even though it is not my child involved AIBU to be absolutely fuming on her behalf? I cannot do anything about it but every time I think about it, it makes me so angry.

OP posts:
tighterthanscrooge · 25/09/2016 07:24

How bloody horrendous for your niece! If this was one of my DDs id be straight to the police! Do the boy's parents know what went on I wonder? Please seek further help from the police and PPs are right you need to inform ofsted and chair of governors

JedRambosteen · 25/09/2016 07:37

When I hear about things like this I am always struck by how differently incidents in school are treated to those in the workplace. With the exception of the army maybe (Deepcut, anyone?), I would anticipate a serious investigation, Police involvement, criminal charges and likely gross misconduct dismissals if a group of male colleagues held a female colleague down, sexually assaulted her and filmed and distributed it. And the scary thing is that these young men will soon be in universities and workplaces with a sense of impunity.

I also think your niece is particularly vulnerable. The boys are emboldened by the lack of consequences, she's been ostracised by her friends and peers, the school have washed their hands of it and her parents seem to thin this is no biggy or are disinterested (implicit message of their failure to act). In her shoes I'd feel very alone and very afraid, particularly because speaking out has made things worse. Who is safeguarding and protecting your niece in this? Where is the love and concern for her wellbeing? She has been failed by everyone around her. Sad

Inthebathprobably · 25/09/2016 07:38

As PP, donthe other children's parents know?

The boys who did t must of they were excluded?

And the other girls who witnessed?

Annie592 · 25/09/2016 07:39

Do other (non involved) parents at the school know about this? If I was a parent at the school, involved or not, I would be contacting the police and taking it further with the school. The fact your niece has to go back into this environment and see these boys every day is just horrendous, how anyone can expect her to do that is beyond my comprehension. 'For the sake of her GCSEs'....FFS, I hardly think she's in the right place to be able to concentrate on them anyway. You're doing the right thing by contacting the NSPCC. I know you don't want to cause issues with your nieces parents, and if it was something more minor I'd agree, but this goes way way beyond that. The other girls, whilst showing an appalling attitude, are probably deep down confused and scared about the whole thing too, and desperate not to be victimised themselves. And what a great message it paints to the other pupils- male and female- that this kind of thing can happen, and the adults just shrug it off as one of those things- no police involvement, boys still prefects, your poor niece still coming in every day. So so sorry for you OP, but sounds like you may have to be the brave one, and stand up for what is right here- for all of us, whether parents or not, who do not want to live in a society where girls can be treated in this way and get away with it. We are all behind you x

Inthebathprobably · 25/09/2016 10:42

Another thought... of this had happened in the workplace can you imagine the legal issues if management did nothing?

roasted · 25/09/2016 10:50

The police need to be contacted.

Not only was this a vile incident, but the follow up abuse proves that none of these boys have shown any remorse for their actions. They will go on to attack other people. They need to be locked up before that happens.

Your niece needs to know that even if she doesn't cry for help, good people are looking out for her and will always do their best to protect her. Make the call.

LC01 · 25/09/2016 11:00

OP. Have you contacted the police. As Annie said above, the boys and girls need to know that this isn't acceptable and action will be taken one way or another.

butterfly990 · 25/09/2016 11:09

This is a horrific situation for the girl to be in.

Is it possible to contact the external "safe guard" for the school to investigate?

Are the boys parents and also the "friends parents" aware of the incident and the ongoing issues?

This article I read sums up perhaps why the girls are doing what they are doing, but it doesn't excuse it. smceducationblog.tumblr.com/post/150629869120/girls-and-their-frenemies

This girl needs the support of adults and I would consider changing schools.

Andrewofgg · 25/09/2016 11:51

The problem is that no power on earth can protect your niece from the bad reactions of other pupils, male but not personally guilty or female, if she or anyone on her behalf takes it further. It's no fun for a 15 to be hated at school and that might be what happens. We as adults can drop a friend if we see fit and so can the 15s in a school if they see fit.

NoFucksImAQueen · 25/09/2016 16:03

Iv read this with tears in my eyes. No one is looking out for that poor girl, not even her parents.
Even if you do something and her parents are mad and she's mad she will know you cared enough to look out for her and one day she will appreciate it even if she doesn't immediately

tupperwareAARGGH · 25/09/2016 16:08

As there is a video and its been uploaded onto social media you need to report this. This is now classed as distributing child pornography and by not reporting that fact you are part of the problem.

Nothing you can do will make it worse for your niece and in fact it might highlight the fact that she was the victim and not the boys.

venusinscorpio · 25/09/2016 16:12

I agree, I think that fact needs hammering home and all these bullies and the school need a bit of a wake up call. This is a serious safeguarding issue and a crime has been committed. It is public now.

silentlyfume · 25/09/2016 16:18

It isn't up to the school to persuade a child to press charges or not. The police should have automatically been called. If this had been boys sexually assaulting a member of staff i am pretty sure they would have been.

This effort to cover it up teaches the boys involved that it is ok to assault women and puts other girls at risk.

Andrewofgg · 25/09/2016 16:55

Nothing you can do will make it worse for your niece

Wrong. She can be tormented over it and there's not much that can be done about that.

Or her friends can turn against her and leave her isolated, and there is nothing, nothing at all, that can be done about that. You can't force A to be a friend of B.

venusinscorpio · 25/09/2016 17:12

It's not about a disagreement among friends Andrew. It's a very serious issue which the school should not be able to ignore.

Andrewofgg · 25/09/2016 17:16

venus I know that. But the fact is that if her friends turn on her it will be even worse for her. The parents can't win, can they?

venusinscorpio · 25/09/2016 17:21

I think the safeguarding issue should be dealt with and the school is not a suitable environment for this young girl.

leopardchanges · 25/09/2016 17:24

OP something very similar happened to me in school when I was 12 (differences:no hair pulling or video) - I was "an early developer". It was I front of my female class teacher who did nothing at all.

Please make sure that whatever route you take that she receives counselling, or knows that this is something very serious and warrants it either now or at any point in the future should she change her mind.

BungoWomble · 25/09/2016 17:28

Sounds like her friends have already turned against her. She's already isolated. Leaving it at this point will just reinforce the idea that it is an ok thing to happen and other 'outsiders' will be assaulted just the same. That excuse for a school needs to step up. I understand the girl's position, but it is not a good choice - they all need the adults to step in and stop this behaviour.

It's like the 80s for teenage girls all over again isn't it. Being one itself becomes a crime.

coconutpie · 25/09/2016 17:34

She is a child. SOMEBODY needs to protect her, she was sexually assaulted. You're her aunt - if her parents won't do a decent job parenting her, then YOU need to step in. Phone the police now.

HerRoyalFattyness · 25/09/2016 17:35

andrew her "friends" have already turned on her.

OP please take this to the police. Please.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/09/2016 17:45

Police
HT
Chair of governors
LEA

I would talk to a solicitor about this.

This is a serious breach of the schools safeguarding procedures.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/09/2016 17:47

and inform social services, they will have a child protection team that should have informed of the assault

Andrewofgg · 25/09/2016 17:49

I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

BoneyBackJefferson and others are right.

tupperwareAARGGH · 25/09/2016 19:56

andrew you clearly have not read the thread, this poor girl is isolated, her friends have already turned their back on her and are actually being bloody vile. Therefore, nothing worse can happen to her.

However, if these vile little boys actually get punished for what they did, and the school decides to speak to the pupils about how this was wrong etc then those friends might actually start supporting her.

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