Sexual Assault by Teens?

[rainysunday7]

There was an incident on a school trip (15 year olds). The boys pinned her down a girl and touched her inappropriately, putting their hands up her top, pulling her hair etc. . There were about seven of them.

It was reported to the school by another student. The school intervied the girl who admitted it had happened. The boys were excluded for a couple of days while the school investigated.

The girl was asked if she wanted to press charges against them, she didn't want to so the boys returned to school.

She has lost most of her friends as they say she should have told them loudly to stop (she said she did) but apparently not loud enough. They said she deserved it as she is a "slag" anyway and wants sympathy. One of the boys was going to spit on her but stopped. Her friends say that he didn't in the end so she should "get over it and stop being an attention seeking drama queen".

Her so called friends are backing up these boys and threatening her on behalf of the boys but the school have only given them a talking to.

Even though it is not my child involved AIBU to be absolutely fuming on her behalf? I cannot do anything about it but every time I think about it, it makes me so angry.

[KindDogsTail]

a8mint and Danglebals I am so sorry this happened to you. I so hope you realise how someone like me reading what you have said completely believes you, and is outraged on your behalf for the awful things that happened to you, including even from those who might have helped; and also how someone like me, reading what you have written, is sending you every best wish from their hearts, hoping these wounds have healed or will heal.

[Italiangreyhound]

a8mint I am so sorry this happened to you and so sorry you felt the way it was dealt with was so wrong. There is a previous poster who said having it effectively not investigated or prosecuted has had a detrimental affect on her life. Yesterday I listened to a very disturbing radio programme about a girl of 13 who was raped and told no one for years. This also impacted her life, I think both the rape and the keeping it secret, and she felt it was her fault. She now knows it was not and has had counselling.

We really cannot live in a world where boys abuse girls and get away with it.

Plus we do not know fit sure exactly how the girl feels. This is not a secret that someone wants to reveal, it is already known about.

If men ansboys knew they would be prosecuted every time. I think it would change behaviour I'm men and boys and reassure females that they are right to expose this evil. For adult woman there is a choice to keep quiet but for girls I do think adults need to be involved I'm their decisions. Either to prosecute it keep quiet could
/will have ramifications.

[a8mint]

Please respect your neice and her parents wishes. I have been in a similar situation and going to the police and court is just like reliving the experience again a and again but this time with more humiliation and leople, lots of people hate on raps victims. I know you think you are doing the right thing but you do-gooders are not the ones who have to live with the fallout which is 100 x worse than the original event.

[Italiangreyhound]

rainysunday7 any news?

[Italiangreyhound]

Danglebals I am so sorry, sorry that happened to you and sorry that you were given the choice of whether or not to report it. We really must must make our new generation of girls know that these types of things should never happen to them, and when they do they must be reported and taken seriously.

[Velvian]

How is your niece op?

[KERALA1]

Good god op, agree with all the pp.

Choosing my quiet bookish dds secondary school this week - girls school v mixed comp. this thread has confirmed my choice of girls school. The sense of entitlement of some boys and our porn / rape culture endorsing this makes me want to weep.

[Beeziekn33ze]

What kind of a school doesn't investigate a video like that involving their own pupils on an official school trip? Who was told? Any senior staff member told should have involved the head and governors. Gross negligence on the part of the staff who knew of this nasty incident and failed to act.
Sad for OP's niece, especially as her 'friends' aren't supporting her. They've possibly ganged up against her as she's attractive or clever or was liked by a popular boy. Teenage girls can be very cruel. It does sound as if she'd be better out of that school if all they do is change her PE group.
She may be able to go to another school for GCSEs or be home tutored and just go in for the exams. She could get a place in an exclusion centre, they, ironically, sometimes provide safe havens for pupils who can't cope with school, they are small and usually well staffed.
Better if the boys can be excluded and have to find somewhere else to take their GCSEs. Them not being punished is like the USA university rapist who was treated as special by the judge because he was a good swimmer.

[DanGleballs]

I was the teenage girl allowed to decide. It fucked with my head. It ruined my relationship with my family. I decided to keep quiet, the bitterness I feel for that is massive. I shouldn't have been asked to make that decision when all I wanted was for it to go away. It doesn't go away though and you question whether you were believed.

[Italiangreyhound]

Schools need to realize that by covering up incidents like this, or minimizing them they are pulling the same kind of shit that the Roman Catholic Church has done about priests who abuse people.

EVERY organisation that requires people to be on their premises or under their 'authority'/'protection' etc needs to be aware what is happening and to extend the normal protections we would all expect, all the time. Of course they can only do this when they find out about an incident of abuse. assault or any kind of crime committed and they absolutely must respond with openness and not attempt to cover up. As soon as they cover up abuse or assault they are complicit in it, IMHO.

I've worked with kids in a voluntary capacity for many years and we are very, very aware now that if anything is report we absolutely must respond in an appropriate manner, this is as a volunteer. Schools and they staff are paid to look after children and educate them. Schools really, really must be pulled up on this every single time, no tolerance for any kind of abuse at all.

[IWasGintyMarlowe]

wish i knew how to send flowers to people on here who are hurting....

[IWasGintyMarlowe]

thanks everyone. bless you

[myownprivateidaho]

So the school didn't call the police? It sounds like a serious assault with a lot of witnesses, I'm sure the police would want to pursue it. Clearly failing to call the police is a serious safeguarding fail on the part of the school. In those circumstances I'd feel obliged to report this to Ofsted/social services/local education board/MP. The school can't brush this kind of thing under the carpet.

[Velvian]

Completely agree that the decision should not have been your niece's, it makes the whole incident even worse for her.

Definitely report a safeguarding issue, the LA can keep your identity secret

[AristotlesTrousers]

Thanks for the book recommendation, italiangreyhound. I may take a look at it too, as I'm finally starting to deal with what happened to me over twenty years ago. I actually went to speak to somebody at my local SARC (big, big move for me), and hopefully going to be signposted to specialist counselling etc and waiting to hear from an ISVA. Sadly, I don't think there's anything I can do re pressing charges / getting justice etc. Can't help but feel that if my school had dealt with it properly at the time (instead of protecting my abuser), I would have done so much more with my life.

I hope the girl in the OP is ok and getting the help she needs, and I hope you are ok too, OP.

to everybody else on this thread & hope you find the strength to deal with your past, IWasGintyMarlowe.

[Italiangreyhound]

This kind of thing happens all over the world. In some countries the girls are attacked because there are no safe toilets for them to use so they need to go into the bush.

Of course I believe you, and a counselor will too.

I am in therapy at the moment for an eating disorder that came out of my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I never got help at the time (my teens and early 20s) and so here I am middle aged and facing it.

Good luck.

[IWasGintyMarlowe]

thanks so much ItalianGreyhound. it means a lot to be believed and understood.

[Italiangreyhound]

IWasGintyMarlowe I am so sorry to hear this. Please, please get some counselling for you, you may well be able to move on. Burying things like this never really works because they do surface, so I am told, and so it is better to deal with those emotions etc. You buried them because you could not deal with them, but you are older now, and with help you may be able to process how you feel and move on.

On one of the threads I was reading tonight someone posted this...

''The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence (Paperback – 3 Jul 2000) by Gavin de Becker.

I got it and have not read it yet.

There is a link to a free chapter to read. This chapter deals with a rape and may be triggering for some. It may be upsetting to read b ut what comes across is how analyzing what happened to this young woman gave her back some of her confidence.

She managed to keep herself safe, and maybe in some way what you did managed to keep you safe. You will not know unless you explore this but I would say it always best to do so with a trained professional counselor who can help you.

//www.nytimes.com/books/first/b/becker-fear.html

I too would like to hear how things worked out.I hope and pray that things will work out well for this young girl and all victims of assault in schools. Schools really must change this culture of acceptance of females being ill treated by males, bullying etc.

Bless you, IWasGintyMarlowe.

[IWasGintyMarlowe]

i would love to know how this ends and if the girl is able to move on with her life like i never really was able to . i hope she can. i hope she can comes to terms with it all. i have never been able to get close to people in my life without feeling guilty and worthless..

poor girl. safe (((hugs))) to the OP

[IWasGintyMarlowe]

it happened to me when i was at school. two boys held me down and my best female friend just stood there and did nothing. and the teacher said i made it up..... i buried it for years. never dealing with it. so it doesn't surprise me at all that this poor girl's friends and teachers never helped.

i was 10. i wasn't even pretty. i will never know why they targeted me. but i am thankful for one thing. no smartphones and social media in those days. at all. and i was younger than the OP's post so didn't really know about sex or girls being called sluts. so i was pretty lucky really. it stinks though. anything like this stinks

[Italiangreyhound]

If this attack had been carried out by older males or males unconnected to the school I feel sure the school may well have acted better/more appropriately. The fact that they did not act properly therefore seems to be to me because it affects the boys that are at their school. They are protecting their own. How vile.

I have not read all the comments but I think I have got the gist of it.

NOT ONLY should the boys be punished but the school needs to have information put out in an accessible form to the children explaining what is and is not acceptable.

If there are incidents of harassment in a workplace the workplace may well run some sort of anti-harassment campaign, so they don't get sued. I think when schools really let us down it is even worse than when workplaces let us down.

Keeping pupils safe is the first priority, before teaching a bloody thing, it should be like the doctors oath, First do no harm.

The school fucked up, they should be held accountable, with the boys, and other schools should get their houses in order or face serious consequences.

Children need more protection than adults, not less!

Please do update us about how things work out.

[Kr1stina]

There were several incidents in my child school when an older male pupil sexually assaupted older and younger girls , did things like tried to put his hand up their skirts or touched their bottoms while they were waiting in line for lunch.

The school called the police and all the victims and any witnesses were interviewed . The boy left the school ( I assume excluded ) and was charged by the police .

This seems entirely correct to me and is what should happen here .

I mention the nature of the assaults so you can see they are less " serious " in that they did not involve collusion with others, bullying of the victim or filming of the incident .

Im not suggesting that they were not hugely distressing to the victims .

[JaneJefferson]

Could you and your sister write to the school to state what has happened since the initial investigation and demand that the school take further action. Boys to be stripped of prefect status. Girls and boys to take course or counselling on appropriate behaviour and relationships. You can state that the effect of the blame culture and minimising is harming your niece, forcing you to reconsider the decision not to involve the police. You can also complain about their lack of safeguarding. And state that your niece does not necessarily want to take it further but as her protectors and guardians you feel you must.

[JaneJefferson]

Could you and your sister contact the school to explain how how are not happy with how things have fallen since first reporting. Your niece is experiencing isolation and bullying and the boys and girls concerned do not seem to be aware of the seriousness. You should insist that the boys are stripped of their prefect status and both the boys and girls attend a course or school run counselling sessions on respect and appropriate conduct and relationships. It would be for their own good as well as helping your niece. You could write a letter to HT and governors to set this out. Also mention that because of the way events have developed you are reconsidering ( or definite going to depebring on what you decide) contacting Social Services and the Police.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

hex I thought the same too, strsight away. There could be a next time quite easily and it will be much worse.

These awful boys are potential rapists and they need stopping now!