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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mum could make a tiny effort

172 replies

Nicpem1982 · 24/09/2016 17:40

It's my dds birthday party next weekend at our local soft play centre it's the whole shabang food play frame disco character face painting etc.

Invites went out and rsvps came back no problem one of the children has a dairy allergy so i spoke to the mom and arranged that she can call the centre and they will go through the allergy book and mom can tell them what dd can eat and play centre will do her separate food but she can eat at the same time as other children, I'm making her dairy free cupcakes in place of birthday cake and non dairy sweets in party bag.

This conversation took place 2 weeks ago when she rsvpd and today the play centre called and informed me that she still hasn't called Aibu to be a bit annoyed that she hasn't?

OP posts:
lifesalongsong · 25/09/2016 13:22

Horses for courses and all that but IMO "child led" is a route to raising an adult that doesn't know how to deal with things not going their way.

I'd guess that those of us with older children who have friends round without parents all know at least one child who's a total PITA because their parents bend to their every desire.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 13:26

Life'salongsong- here's the thing I've got some posters saying she won't remember it so what's the point and then others saying its ott and will spoil her so I think that yes it's not the norm but I genuinely don't think that she will grow up entitled or spoilt etc we don't just give her what she wants she's corrected and taught right from wrong, she's impeccably polite, will wait her turn if there's a que etc.

OP posts:
Castironfireplace · 25/09/2016 13:40

Look I do birthdays big for mine, but I would be careful OP, makensure the party is for your DD and not for you.

I remember one big one when DS was about 3, i couldn't find him - he took himself off to a corner & was playing Lego. He just couldn't cope with it and was totally overwhelmed & not really enjoying it. It all dawned then - I shouldnt have spent all that time planning, I should have spent it playing with him. He didn't need a giant cake with me shoving him out the kitchen - he needed to bake crap spider man cakes with me in the kitchen. He liked the other kids but they were all just too loud and overwhelmed it was more chaos than fun. And kids don't give a shit about Pinterest stuff.

That aside- do as said before - tell the mum what the plan is regarding food and then if she needs to change it she can chase the venue.

AndNowItsSeven · 25/09/2016 15:16

You take your lead from one year old? A good parent, parents. Your baby does not know best, you do.
Children deserve parents that put their child's needs first , not their wants.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 18:22

and now it's seven - if you read my previous post about letting my dd take the lead it clearly says where appropriate, we ask her what she wants to do at the weekends and we do it generally it's a visit to the zoo or science museum, she chooses a meal a week to go on our menu and eats what she wants at meal times, she chooses what to wear and yes she's gone out dressed as tinker bell but so what.

we respect her as a person children are to be guided by their parents not dictated to and discouraged from forming opinions and discounted.

We do parent her as I've previously said she is taught right from wrong, she's kind and will share, she has impeccable manners, she will eat healthy wholesome food we don't have the if u don't eat ur broccoli u can't have cake if she doesn't want broccoli she doesn't eat it and she still gets cake, does it harm her no as on the whole she eats the veg.

We chose our battles and as a result our home is peaceful and a nice place to live, does she run riot? Sometimes

do we correct her where necessary? Yes

Does she have huge birthday parties and will she continue to? Yes

I don't see the harm

OP posts:
zzzzz · 25/09/2016 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHathaway · 25/09/2016 18:45

Child led is lovely until you send them to school (which is why many committed to child led end up home schooling or unschooling).

We had a very child led summer holiday. You still say no hourly every day, but you say yes a lot and it's liberating all round.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 19:03

Mrs Hathaway - she's due to start pre school two mornings a week to assist with that and she also goes to forest school once a week and follows instruction (mostly)

Zzz - again the girls allergies are complex and I wouldn't feel confident speaking to the venue as I'd never forgive myself if she was ill due to me making an error, I'm only happy to bake cakes as I'm using her grandmas recipe to the letter.

I've offered to have her children at my home for another play date to free her up some time to make the call on Monday evening after I finish work.

I do have time to lavish on my daughter but it's time I carve out in between working 34 hours per week over 4 days and helping at our local sew and chat on a Tuesday night making tea and buttering tea cakes.

It's not about me not comprehending my neighbour having 3 children, I don't think I'm asking the earth and its for the benefit of her daughter.

Also all of her children are in either first year primary, nursery or has a free 2 year old place ao she could find 5 minutes

OP posts:
NotAMammy · 25/09/2016 19:04

So did you see the neighbour and remind her to call the softplay?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 19:06

Yes her children are coming here when I've finished work tomorrow to play so she can call

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 25/09/2016 19:08

You really are being incredibly judgemental saying she could find 5 minutes.

I bet she's not as enamoured of you as you think she is. Your judgemental attitude shines right through the written word on here, I bet it's ten times worse in real life.

All the best.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 19:16

I don't think I'm being judgemental saying she could find 5 minutes she could even her mums told her to call the soft play according to our conversation today but she says she keeps forgetting Smile hence her children coming to play tomorrow.

I don't have a judgemental attitude her children are nothing short of a delight, well dressed and clever little people my dd loves to spend time with them :)

OP posts:
Houseconfusion · 25/09/2016 19:20

Maui.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 19:26

Hardly the same houseofconfusion

OP posts:
Houseconfusion · 25/09/2016 19:34

Maui in a little village.

zzzzz · 25/09/2016 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 20:11

not when they're at school no, I get stuff done when my dd isn't with me it's the same thing her children are at school between 15 and 30 hours per week and she's a stay at home mom so has each morning free

OP posts:
zzzzz · 25/09/2016 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 20:22

I have an inkling my sister has 5 and my brother has 7 children as I said I come from a large family I'm not a moron.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 20:25

I just don't think a 5 min call is a big ask

OP posts:
leopardgecko · 25/09/2016 20:27

I think as long as you do it for the child (as you are OP) then that it fine. Just resist the tempation to make it about your wishes, or get locked into a battle of feeling each one has to be bigger and better, else there will be disappointment.

I was 11 years desperately trying to have children, so when they came along, I was guilty of going over the top. But I soon found that less is more, and for my 4 children one celebration was enough - anymore and the fun was diluted somehow. Things will of course change for your child when she goes to school, and is able to express more to you what she wants. She may, for instance, want one simple party at home like her peers, and that will be fine. For instance one child of mine always hated birthday parties, and so after the age of 4 never had one. It would be more a punishment than a celebration, and the less fuss the better as far as he is concerned.

Now I am a foster carer and so the tendency to go OTT again is back, especially for children that have not experienced happy birthdays in their past. But again, I know that would just be my wishes, and not their's at all, so again my rule of less is more is the correct one.

But everyone is different.

zzzzz · 25/09/2016 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 20:32

Leopard - thank you everything that we all do is for our children yes it may be ott but she wanted a party with mickey and Minnie and we've made it happen.

If she wants movies and pizzas with close friends we'll make that happen too.

It's all down to her, she may not want a party she's declined a Halloween party this year in lieu of a spooky tea so that's what we will do

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/09/2016 20:37

Zzz - you've called me judgemental when essentially that's what you've done this entire thread, I've not found her lacking I've said that her children are a delight, well dressed and clever little people I'm not being sarcastic she's doing an amazing job.

I've offered to have her children at my home after work so she can call if that's not assisting then what would you have me do exactly?

I think you've lost a little perspective

OP posts:
lifesalongsong · 25/09/2016 20:38

But she's 1 how does she decline a Halloween party? How can she know what Halloween even is? OK it's been a while since I had a 1 yesr old and maybe mine weren't as advanced due to my being in charge rather than them but surely children that young can't make a decision like that.