To trust dads, more than men without children, at parks? :(

[debson]

I feel bad about this, but I have no clue if it's a normal way to feel and I can normally guess what Mumsnet would say so don't bother, but I really don't know about this.

I was in the park earlier with DC (5 and 9) I always sit on the bench closest to the only exist.

There have been a couple of times when a father (who clearly has DC at the park) help youngest DD onto the monkey bars for example, then just go with their kids on to a different bit of equipment. We are a friendly village and do tend to interact with the DC (if it's obvious they go to same school, etc.)

However, I've had it once where (and this is with 9 year old DD and no contact involved) a man was pointing to bits of the rope that DD should put her foot onto (you know, to help her get to the top) and I went over and made casual convo and he had no children there

Is it wrong to have not even thought for a second about that dad, but felt uneasy about that man for the rest of the time while we were there?

But reporting to the police would be an overreaction... I still don't get what you're trying to say.

My original point with legality not being everything was that even though yes lone men are legally allowed to be in playgrounds I don't see why they can't change their actions to avoid making people uncomfortable (and it was in response to the pokemon go scenario).

astronomical

Its only an overreaction if you don't believe that they are paedophiles.

The point of the thread is that posters are worried that these lone childless men are going to assault their children, if this is the case then report them to the police, if you don't believe that they are paedophiles then why the worrying about lone childless men that are legally allowed to be there?

This is a really sad thread. My son's class has just recruited a new male teacher and I was over the moon because there are a couple of very disruptive boys who are crying out for a good male role model. (Until DS said "my new teacher is really nice, even when you're naughty he gives you lots of chances!"...)

I've had a male stranger help DS down a very high inflatable slide, although I assume the man was there with kids. Either way was very grateful because DS had got to the top and was too scared to come down and me and my mum were at the bottom saying: "what the hell do we do now?"

My next door neighbour who is a lone male (lives alone) and who I've never talked to, helped DD just the other day because she managed to throw one of her teddies on the roof so he went up and got it down for her (terraced one-storey houses). I didn't freak out when I found, just thought it was nice of him. Helping people is fine, helping people is good, teaching your children what isn't good (inappropriate touching for instance) is the key thing.

I remembered another thing, a lone man hanging about the bushes by the preschool for a few mins. Lots of worried mum's till I explained that there is a geocache site there and he was looking for it and signing the log inside. Sure enough, a friend then found a post on a local geocache site from a bloke saying he'd got lots of hostile looks from mum's until he heard someone explaining about geocaching to them. Lots of people have not heard of geocaching but it's again something to bear in mind if you see someone acting suspiciously. You can easily check on your phone in there's a geocaching site nearby.

IFinishedTheBiscuits I hope I would do the same thing but only in your presence and with your permission.

I often go to parks where adults are prohibited without a child. A strange man watching kids might be cause for alarm or just someone whose kids have grown up. Shouting encouragement is different from touching though, I wouldn't have a problem, I'd probably just go and chat with them. If they are there for the wrong reasons, they'll soon leave!

Mollie123:
However, YANBU Op. I, too, would be wary of anyone, male or female, without children in a play park. That's a natural reaction and has been for decades, not a new thing.
why have you included 'female' in that accusation?
It is not a natural reaction to lump women on their own as 'paedophiles' or to suggest that it has been that way for decades as a natural reaction. "

You're correct that it isn't a natural reaction for parents to worry about lone females - but it should be. The reason I said I'd be concerned about both (and I should have separated those statements) is that I'm aware that female abusers are not nearly as rare as we'd like to believe. It's also significantly under-reported precisely because there is still the belief that women are only rarely involved in the sexual abuse of children. Your statistic is quoted from 1999 - long before the Plymouth case that first broke the taboo.

Many times I have seen a child about to do something that might hurt them, sometimes the parent is oblivious to the danger, as I instinctively move to prevent it my wife usually stops me saying the parent won't understand. Sad really, I have grown up girls, not usually with me, so when did the journalists get to frighten mothers so much every man is thought to be a danger to every child.

I remember being in the car with my mum and dad on a country lane and dad had to do an emergency break because a small child ran out in front of us. Dad was about to get out of the car and tell the children (there were others watching - clearly they were playing chicken) how dangerous it was to do that and how lucky there were not to get killed but mum stopped him telling him that he can't go and confront children as a man, because it would look dodgy.

It's only stupid people who believe a 'paedophile round every corner' isn't it?

Pretty much, yes. The vast majority are well-known to the victim, or even related to them, hard though that may be for some to accept.

As retired police officer the majority of sexual abuse cases, were people known to family/child.

Women can be paedophiles too

Without RTWT has anyone considered he could have lost a child and it's bitter sweet to see children doing what his might have been.

A paedophile will quite often help children, talk to parents and behave perfectly normally to gain trust. Unfortunately, ordinary people will help children and behave normally and gain your trust so it is really difficult to "know" which one is which. You can only be very careful without being completely paranoid. If I was in OP's position, it wouldn't worry me very much that a man stood and shouted instructions although I'd probably wonder why he felt his help was needed. Beyond that, I would just be vigilant as I would expect to be in any scenario. I don't automatically think all men are predators but I know of a lot of abuse within family and friends, most of which has never been reported, and it has made me more aware that it is sadly more prevalent than most people think.

Just wondering what criteria some of the people playing devil's advocate on here would use when advising their children re stranger danger or assessing the risk themselves. What about a man hanging around outside a school at home time talking to children and maybe offering them a lift home in his car if it was raining or if their bags looked a bit heavy? Could he just be a man at a bit of a loose end at 4pm missing the routine of the school run? What about a man loitering in the family changing rooms at the swimming pool offering to help children get things out of their lockers or switch on the shower for them? Could be entirely innocent, just someone who likes children and is keen to lend a hand. But in both cases I'd be wary - and that's the sort of person I'd want my children to be wary of. The same applies to a man hanging round a children's play area helping kids on and off equipment. Lone men eating their lunch on a bench, reading a book, playing on their phone, watching the world go by - not a problem. A man going to the aid of an injured or lost child - wouldn't have a problem with that either. It's a question of context surely? The OP (long since disappeared) is NBU. It's not the fact that the an is childless per se that makes her suspicious, it's the fact that he is without a child in a children's play area.

I'm a mum of three and I work with sex offenders. My advice is be aware of who has contact with your children, be confident of those people and always listen to your children and look out for any changes in their behaviour. Paedophiles are almost always known to the child and are not risk takers, they will secure access to a child rather than acting impulsively. But please don't think they're on every street corner xx

Just a couple of things...

You don't mind the man who actually touched your child to get her onto the monkey bars just because he appears to have a kid of his own but you DO mind the man standing at a distance from your child calling out instructions to get her safely to the top of the climbing frame without injuring herself - isn't that YOUR job as her mother?

My Gramps used to visit my Nana's grave every day, and would walk home through the local Rec. He was almost 90 when we lost him but he'd still push little ones on the swings as he walked through the park, or be there to catch them at the end of the zipwire. He didn't know them and they didn't know him but he had Alzheimer's and seeing children happy and having fun made HIM happy. He wasn't a paedophile, either. He just had four adult granddaughters and probably missed taking us to the park as kids. Not everything has a sinister undertone.

I don't have kids but I eat my lunch at work in the play area because there's something to look at and it's nice to watch kids being happy.

It doesn't mean I want to shag them.

And you felt so bad about it that you joined MN to post about it.

What about a man hanging around outside a school at home time talking to children and maybe offering them a lift home in his car if it was raining or if their bags looked a bit heavy? Could he just be a man at a bit of a loose end at 4pm missing the routine of the school run? What about a man loitering in the family changing rooms at the swimming pool offering to help children get things out of their lockers or switch on the shower for them?

This is where teaching them about what not to do comes in - you don't get into a car with a stranger (or with anyone without a parent's permission), and I doubt many parents let their children go to the pool by themselves if they're still young enough to not manage to put a shower on or get things out of their locker - the relevant rule is you should be taking care of your own belongings in public places and no one needs to help you shower so that's not allowed.

Other than having been a teacher I don't want to go into details of other jobs but did want to say sometimes you'd be shocked at how many ex sex offenders are in places you would never suspect. Sex offenders and the register is quite a complex matter, there are multiple time scales for registration depending on sentence and age at sentence.

I know of a local case where there is a 60 something man which I know to have once been on the register having served time for abusing and raping one of his young family members. He lives in a council estate with his house neighbouring a children's park. When he applied for housing he simply stated that he had never been to prison.