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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to remind you not to ask people silly questions?

81 replies

bluesbaby · 22/09/2016 22:05

My neighbour, who is an acquaintance at best, asked me today again when I'm getting married.
We got engaged 3 years ago and every time I see her it's the same. We're going through a very rough patch and I'm certain it's over, but we are never in the same room to actually break up.
Sad currently waiting to see if he'll actually turn up at home tonight. Not even a call. I've checked, and his case is still here, so he's not gone away (without telling me).

So, please... if you don't know someone that well... don't ask when they're getting married or having babies. You're just reminding me of what I don't have and probably won't have !

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 22/09/2016 22:12

I god op I think asking someone when they are going to have babies is the height of rudeness.

I do think its a bit odd your neighbour would just ask you about the marriage thing, but could just have been a pleasantry- do they know you are engaged.

Sorry op I sounds really rough, what makes you say its over?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 22/09/2016 22:15

If you've been engaged for three years it's not really an unreasonable question.

I don't think it is your neighbour you should be cross with but your partner who is behaving terribly. Why don't you break it off if you are unhappy? You don't need to be in a miserable relationship. Life's too short.

HerFaceIsAMapOfTheWorld · 22/09/2016 22:16

I did this once, I returned to a work place I hadn't worked at for 3 years and an old colleague was there still working within the same position. When I left he was having a baby with another colleague and their relationship was great so when I returned I said "how's kim" and he replied "fine"
However found out he had cheat on kim with another work colleague and left her.

People just dont know op, I wouldnt ask another question like that again though to someone, you dont know what people are going through end of the day.

Hope you sort everything out anyway x

Spiderpigspiderpig · 22/09/2016 22:18

I don't see the point in engagements. Either get married, or don't

RiverTam · 22/09/2016 22:19

Thst sounds very upsetting but to be fair if you've been engaged for that long and you're still wearing your ring its not really a silly question, is it?

NightNightBadger19962 · 22/09/2016 22:21

Rude of her to ask more than once I would have thought...

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 22/09/2016 22:23

Maybe as she doesn't really know you that's the only sentence available for her to have with you in her mind??

Original poster
bluesbaby · 22/09/2016 22:31

Well, he's turned up, but gone out to see friends (was here for less than 10 minutes).

ollieplimsoles
In all fairness, all our other neighbours avoid her because she is rude to everyone (and says inappropriate things). I just can't see a future together anymore, and I've only just made up my mind that I've had enough.

Spiderpigspiderpig
Hmm You know nothing about me and why we haven't. nothing

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 22:40

If you let people know you're engaged then don't be surprised if they ask when you're getting married. Sorry but your 'reminder' is based on your personal circumstances and in no way relevant to all or the majority of engaged couples. I understand that you're going through a difficult time and I genuinely feel for you but don't get at angry at others for it.

Spiderpigspiderpig · 22/09/2016 22:40

obviously I don't. Confused

But I still don't see the point in engagements.
Just plan a wedding and get married.
What's the point in telling people you're engaged to be married?

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 22/09/2016 22:42

Evening all
Bit of peace and love, eh
One thing we can all do with is some moral support
Pretty sure OP that your neighbour meant no harm and was only making small talk - sorry that you're upset
Kindest wishes

pinkdelight · 22/09/2016 22:45

People make small talk. They often don't care about the answer. It's just something to say that is trying to avoid being ruder by saying nothing. People on here take offence to so much in small talk it's a wonder there's any interaction at all. We can't check everything before we speak in case it's 'silly'. Just see it for what it is. Sounds like you've got bigger problems.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 22:45

Quickest mumsnet intervention ever.

pinkdelight · 22/09/2016 22:46

X-posted with mn, sorry.

tigerdriverII · 22/09/2016 22:49

Paul : I've just had to re read the thread in case is missed several pages! In the meantime all sorts of shit takes hours to be addressed...

Original poster
bluesbaby · 22/09/2016 22:51

Haha thank you mumsnet!

Spiderpig, there was a wedding planned. Cancelled. For multiple reasons including grief (I lost someone close). I didn't go around just telling people I was engaged!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 22/09/2016 22:52

While I am sorry that you are going through this tough time, I suspect she was just attempting to make polite chit chat. She may be a bit inept but don't think she can be blamed for accidentally, and with only sketchy knowledge of your circumstances, asking a question which touches a raw nerve.

If we were none of us allowed to say something to or ask anything of acquaintances and neighbours which might accidentally hit a nerve we'd never speak to each other at all: "How's your mum?" "She died last week"; "Is your husband enjoying his new job?" "He's been fired"; "Has your daughter settled in at school OK?" "She's been expelled" (etc).

BlueFolly · 22/09/2016 22:55

That's not a silly question though. If I were the neighbour I would be patting myself on the back for 'showing an interest'.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 22:59

So true tiger. So true...

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/09/2016 22:59

It amazes me how much people know so much about each other.
I hate questions, too. If I'm asked something I don't want to answer. I just give them that "look". As for asking about babies would she like you to ask about her sex life.

nicenewdusters · 22/09/2016 23:03

I know we can't police every question we ask but I do think the neighbour was wrong to ask again. She knows you're engaged, if you set a date it's your choice to tell her that. She's not a close friend. You don't have to provide a status update to satisfy her curiosity.

Obviously she's poked her nose in at a very difficult time for you. It therefore feels very intrusive. Sod her and just worry about yourself. Hope you find a resolution, one way or the other

Liiinoo · 22/09/2016 23:06

Sometimes it is really hard to say the right thing. I recently met up with a colleague I don't know very well and hadn't seen for a few months. The last time I had seen him he was newly wed to another colleague and planning a trip to the Hajj.

Me' - Hello X, How's things - how was the Hajj?

X - it was great, I saw this and that and did this and that and my dad had a brilliant time.

Me - and how about Mrs X - how was she while you were away?

After a long silence while tumbleweed blew by and we both aged visibly he managed to mumble that he and Mrs X had divorced. I was mortified but with hindsight what else could I have said ? It would have been much worse to have never mentioned her whilst they were still together.

EttaJ · 22/09/2016 23:08

Some very unhelpful replies. OP YANBU. I think it's rude for her to ask every time she sees you. People like that irritate me. I hope things work out for you.

Cookingongas · 22/09/2016 23:08

But a lot of inane social conversation is potentially upsetting.

Asking a mother "are you having anymore? When?"when she's actually suffering secondary infertility.

Five days after losing my son ( still born) I was waiting for a bus to take me back to hospital. A man smiled and told me "smile it might never happen ".

It hurt. But he didn't mean it to. Nor did your Neighbor. She said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Innocently.

Good luck op

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:11

Nothing really unhelpful Etta, apart from one post potentially. The majority just don't agree with what the op said.

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