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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to remind you not to ask people silly questions?

81 replies

bluesbaby · 22/09/2016 22:05

My neighbour, who is an acquaintance at best, asked me today again when I'm getting married.
We got engaged 3 years ago and every time I see her it's the same. We're going through a very rough patch and I'm certain it's over, but we are never in the same room to actually break up.
currently waiting to see if he'll actually turn up at home tonight. Not even a call. I've checked, and his case is still here, so he's not gone away (without telling me).

So, please... if you don't know someone that well... don't ask when they're getting married or having babies. You're just reminding me of what I don't have and probably won't have !

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:58

Sorry but your post reads as a direct comparison. I wasn't spoiling for a fight, I was highlighting the ridiculousness of your comment, intentional or not. I then responded to your subsequent posts. In any case, you kind of explained what you meant with your post. Frankly, I don't think it makes much sense but it may do to others, so that can be the end of it.

powershowerforanhour · 22/09/2016 23:59

MargaretCavendish, if you'd heard someone was pregnant months and months ago, and you met them and they didn't bring up the subject, and you couldn't see a bump at all, would you ask them when the baby was due?

JellyBelli · 23/09/2016 00:01

It was a good point, I agreed with it. I dont know why people have turned on OP, there are some really OTT bitchy comments on this thread.

Blueskyrain · 23/09/2016 00:16

It sounded like a direct comparison to me.

Given that the whole purpose of engagement is to get married, it seems like a perfectly normal question to ask to me, though I would have thought she might have got the hint by now.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 23/09/2016 00:25

Glad I'm not the only one who thought so blue.

bluebellsparklypants · 23/09/2016 00:28

Maybe it's her way of being friendly, I know you said she's upset others with her comments but could she be just trying to be friendly and just getting it wrong, life's too short to worry about this stuff sounds like you have enough going on already hope things sort themselves out

Fluffyears · 23/09/2016 01:52

I used to have a colleague constantly say once I turned 30 that I better get pregnant as need to get it done asap. I have been having fertility issues for several years and when he said that it just reminded me that time is moving on too fast. I used to remedy it by saying in response 'when are you getting a girlfriend, you're almost 30 time is running out you know!' As I knew his single status was a sore point and wanted to hurt him the same way.

SpareASquare · 23/09/2016 02:07

Meh. If you are engaged aren't you announcing to all and sundry by the wearing of the symbol of said engagement that it is your intention to marry? Often further announced with a gift grab and waving of the hand every chance one gets. So, once you've put it out there what is so rude about asking when the wedding is?

Babies? That's a whole other issue and rude, rude, rude to be asking about that.

Cheby · 23/09/2016 04:47

I think you're overreacting because of your situation OP. It's not rude to make conversation by asking a person you know to be engaged when they are planning to get married.

Asking when someone is going to have a baby is completely different.

littlejeopardy · 23/09/2016 05:05

It is not rude to ask an engaged couple when the wedding date is, and if the date is booked then you can ask 'how are the wedding plans going? ' as often as you see them.

But if you have already given a non-committal answer to the date question and the neighbour keeps asking about it than that is a bit socially dense of her. Like others say though she is probably trying to be polite.

It sounds like OP that you have a rotten situation to deal with and maybe your Neighbour is getting a disproportionate amount of your resentment.

pictish · 23/09/2016 07:35

"Many people lack empathy and even basic social skills."

Maybe so but that's not what is going on here...at least not on the face of it. It's not lacking empathy or social skills to ask an engaged person about their wedding plans.

We're not psychic ffs.

pictish · 23/09/2016 07:38

And Queenbean your comparison was rubbish. Accept it and stop arguing.

Queenbean · 23/09/2016 08:13

Gosh pictish, how unnecessary. It was stopped last night, sorry you didn't understand it but I did explain it after. And no more arguing. Quite unfair for you to drag it back up as though you're the final word on it. Can we please just move on now and back to the op?

SpookyPotato · 23/09/2016 08:41

Asking once is taking a friendly interest, to keep asking the same question is odd and intrusive.

I agree that it's normal to take an interest in people and ask questions, it's just part of life.. It's the repeating that is annoying.
Seems like they won't stop until you have the answer they want.
Everyone gets annoyed with my FIL because he always asks the same questions when he sees his kids, for example "when are you getting a payrise?" when he's seen them last week and asked the same thing! And the time before, and before that..

Sorry for what you're going through OP

pictish · 23/09/2016 08:41

Yeah sorry...it popped up on active. I, like most other people posting here, didn't check the times of the latest posts. I just joined in. I think we're allowed to do that.

How touchy are you though? Are you morto because of your terrible comparison?

Queenbean · 23/09/2016 08:43

I was touchy last night but am rather cheery this morning actually

Yep I was touchy about that, it was a really rough time not knowing how our relationship was moving forward and being asked about it all the time from external people. Different once you've got a ring on your finger, and people are only trying to make small chat but it can make a bad time worse. Even though the neighbour hasn't done anything wrong really, I feel for you OP

Hygellig · 23/09/2016 09:38

I remember DH's cousin, who I didn't know very well, asking me at a family gathering if they could expect some new little cousins soon. I had recently had a miscarriage and thought it a very insensitive question. So yes I would never ask someone I didn't know well if they planned to have babies.

Asking about a forthcoming wedding date of an engaged couple is a bit different but I would probably not ask just in case there was more to the situation than met the eye.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/09/2016 10:34

Hygellig - I presume DH's cousin didn't know about your miscarriage so he wasn't being insensitive.

GingerbreadCake · 24/09/2016 11:57

OP your neighbour isn't going to know that your wedding was cancelled is she? I don't think it's fair to "remind" people to never ask someone they know to be engaged when they are getting married that's a perfectly reasonable question from your neighbour. It's not the same at all as asking about babies, people have medical reasons that play a part in that, but if you're engaged and wearing a ring a polite "when are you getting married?" Is the norm isn't it?

Sorry you're upset.

GingerbreadCake · 24/09/2016 12:07

Oh and congrats Paul for calling out Queen on her ridiculous and bitter comparison. You definitely are not the only one thinking it!

Hygellig · 24/09/2016 17:08

Gwen - no she didn't know about the miscarriage but that's the whole point. I wouldn't ask someone I barely knew whether they were going to have children (a close friend or sibling is different). They might not want any, they might be having trouble TTC, they might have had a miscarriage, they might have other health problems etc etc.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 24/09/2016 17:21

Seriously op, you have much bigger problems in your life right now than your tactless neighbour (as I'm sure I don't need to remind you!). You are upset and unhappy - it really isn't her fault. I hope you come through the break up relatively unscathed and that life improves immeasurably when you have

Gwenhwyfar · 24/09/2016 17:27

"They might not want any, they might be having trouble TTC, they might have had a miscarriage, they might have other health problems etc etc."

Or they might want to have children and want to talk about it. If they don't want any, they can tell you.

JassyRadlett · 24/09/2016 17:41

Or they might want to have children and want to talk about it. If they don't want any, they can tell you.

Great - let them bring it up then! Having been on the receiving end of numerous nosy 'well-meaning' comments about second babies when we were dealing with secondary infertility, including lectures about how damaging it would be for DS1 to be an only child, I'm a big fan of small talk about the weather, where people are going on holidays, what they have planned for the weekend, etc.

It requires very little imagination to think of the many reasons asking a person with a three year old 'so when are you going to have another baby - you're not going to leave him an only, are you?' might be a little upsetting. Ditto a couple with no children. Ditto, actually, a woman who's been engaged three years, cancelled the wedding once, and hasn't set another date.

You need to think about what the reason for the small talk is. Is it to satisfy your curiosity about the lives of others, or have a mutually pleasant social encounter?

Gwenhwyfar · 24/09/2016 17:58

Jassy. By your reasoning no question is acceptable. What if you ask 'how are you?' but the person has been diagnosed with cancer. What if you ask about holidays, but the person can't afford a holiday? What if you ask about the weekend, but the person has to go to a funeral on the weekend. No question is acceptable if you have to think of a potential reason why it might upset someone.

The 'lecture' business is something else entirely.

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