AIBU to remind you not to ask people silly questions?

[bluesbaby]

My neighbour, who is an acquaintance at best, asked me today again when I'm getting married.
We got engaged 3 years ago and every time I see her it's the same. We're going through a very rough patch and I'm certain it's over, but we are never in the same room to actually break up.
currently waiting to see if he'll actually turn up at home tonight. Not even a call. I've checked, and his case is still here, so he's not gone away (without telling me).

So, please... if you don't know someone that well... don't ask when they're getting married or having babies. You're just reminding me of what I don't have and probably won't have !

Nope. There are some where if you have an ounce of empathy you'll know that there are open, neutral questions where the answer is likely to be neutral as well. How are you, how's things, do you have weekend plans, how about Mel and Sue leaving Bake Off then. They are also questions people expect.

'When are you two having [another] baby then' is nowhere near the same. You are asking people whether they are having sex, how often, are they trying, for how long, is there a problem, etc. Fertility issues and miscarriages are both common and besides, the decision on whether or not to have kids is an intensely personal and emotional one.

Can I ask what answer you expect? Do you want details of miscarriages or IVF? Do you want to hear she wants kids but he doesn't? Or some bland platitude that doesn't actually advance the conversation at all? It's the definition of a closed question - it doesn't give the other person anywhere to go that isn't the topic of your choosing.

And comparing not being able to afford a holiday to infertility... Um.

But I guess I have the answer to 'what is small talk for', then.,..

"Do you want details of miscarriages or IVF? Do you want to hear she wants kids but he doesn't? Or some bland platitude that doesn't actually advance the conversation at all?"

I don't mind any of those answers.he bland platitude is fine for making conversation, but if someone wants to talk about their problems that's fine too. I probably wouldn't ask 'When are you two having [another] baby then', but might ask 'Would you like to have a [second] child?'

OP I think she probably assumed that it was a happy topic. Most brides to be are delighted to discuss their upcoming nuptials.

Unfortunately she spoke at the wrong time. Which made it a very touchy subject for you.

I always say the wrong thing. Even if I'm silent, that's wrong too.
Just smile and nod, eh?

I don't mind any of those answers.he bland platitude is fine for making conversation, but if someone wants to talk about their problems that's fine too. I probably wouldn't ask 'When are you two having [another] baby then', but might ask 'Would you like to have a [second] child?'

But it isn't all about you. If someone wants to talk about their problems, they'll probably bring it up themselves. Your second option is just as bad as the first. It doesn't give the other person an 'out' in the way more open questions do; you are forcing them either to lie (which will make them feel shit) or share intensely personal details that if they'd wanted to, they would have shared with you.

And the bland platitude advances the conversation not a jot. I just don't get what's in it for people in asking questions like this - there is a decent chance given miscarriage and fertility rates that you'll make an acquaintance or near-stranger fee shit; what do you get out of it that outweighs that?

Minor update, but I did break up with my OH a week after this post. If you're wondering why it took so long, it's because we were never in the same room together long enough and he often worked away so didn't even share a bed. It was a bit nightmareish for a while, being tied to someone who clearly didn't want to be with me, but equally wouldn't set me free and let me be truly alone.

I'm through the other side and so much happier now. Looking back, I agree NDN was just a bit socially inept but trying to be nice. When I told her that we'd broken up (and I'd been left to sort out the house by myself... don't ask...) she was actually lovely and funny and told me that I was her favourite out of the pair of us and he didn't deserve me Made me feel a bit better through my tears!