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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to remind you not to ask people silly questions?

81 replies

bluesbaby · 22/09/2016 22:05

My neighbour, who is an acquaintance at best, asked me today again when I'm getting married.
We got engaged 3 years ago and every time I see her it's the same. We're going through a very rough patch and I'm certain it's over, but we are never in the same room to actually break up.
currently waiting to see if he'll actually turn up at home tonight. Not even a call. I've checked, and his case is still here, so he's not gone away (without telling me).

So, please... if you don't know someone that well... don't ask when they're getting married or having babies. You're just reminding me of what I don't have and probably won't have !

OP posts:

user1471552005 · 22/09/2016 23:12

the neighbour was probably being polite and friendly.

It's a fair question to ask about the wedding- most people who are engaged are excited about their plans.
She must be aware that you are still living together, although engagements sometimes break, it;s unusual to have the couple continue to live in the same house.
I think she has made some fairly valid assumptions and not been at all silly.

Queenbean · 22/09/2016 23:13

God this fucks me off no end

Do I go around to married couples and say "so.... When do you think you might get divorced then??". No I don't. So mind your own fucking business asking me about my relationship then.

DP and I had loads of discussions about our future, we weren't sure where it was heading and it was hideous and so painful having people keep asking me / us when we were getting married / how he would propose etc. We have since split up and I've said to some of the people who put us on the spot "one of the most difficult things was everyone asking us about marriage when we weren't even sure ourselves" and without fail all of them nodded and agreed that it was so intrusive etc

People are just trying to make small talk but they have no idea how painful it can be

My best friend has had 5 miscarriages in the last 3 years and her colleagues who don't know always ask when she'll have kids. She desperately wants them but can't. It's so rude!!

I utterly agree OP. Mind your own bloody business people.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/09/2016 23:15

"People make small talk"
What's wrong with the weather

BackforGood · 22/09/2016 23:21

Exactly what HeddaGarbled said.

It's not a 'silly question' at al - it's friendly chit chat. I'm sorry you are clearly upset, but that should be at your fiance , not your neighbour.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:21

Do I go around to married couples and say "so.... When do you think you might get divorced then??"

Well of course you don't. Divorce isn't the end game with marriage. Marriage is the end game for engagement though. What a stupid bloody comparison.

MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 22/09/2016 23:22

Paul & Tiger
Damned if we do....

Queenbean · 22/09/2016 23:23

How is it a bloody stupid comparison in my example Paul? I said he was my DP - ie my partner, we were not engaged

What bit of our relationship would give anyone the idea that we were about to get married?

MargaretCavendish · 22/09/2016 23:27

don't ask when they're getting married or having babies. You're just reminding me of what I don't have and probably won't have !

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time but you're really not comparing like with like here. Asking a couple when they're having babies (or asking when they'll get engaged) =/= asking an engaged couple when the wedding is. Since 'engaged' means 'going to get married' I think it's a normal question, in the same way as it's normal to ask a pregnant woman when the baby is due, but not normal at all to ask a random unpregnant woman whether she intends to have kids.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:27

Your example is stupid for the reasons I gave up there ^

I wasn't talking about your situation, I was talking about the comparison you gave. It was ridiculous for the reason I stated.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:28

Light hearted Olivia, no offence intended

Queenbean · 22/09/2016 23:30

My post was quite clearly about my own situation. You didn't bother to read it properly then were rude about it.

For half of people who are married it will end in divorce and it is a bloody intrusive question. It's often the next step in a relationship for many people. So it is just as invasive and rude as asking someone who is in a relationship with no outward plans to get married when they are.

Or, as I've said, none of anyone else's business!

Justaboy · 22/09/2016 23:32

Now listen here!.

One reason why we have been blessed with shite poor changeable weather in the UK is to give the populace something they can talk about and not offend anyone.

To go around asking details of personal matters is just not the done thing!.

There settled!

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 22/09/2016 23:33

olivia so true!

OP. I'm sorry you're going through crap with your fiancé, especially after your bereavement. However, it's not going to do you any good getting irrationally fucked off with everyone around you instead of telling him to fuck off. Stop waiting for the perfect moment & just tell the prat to go.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/09/2016 23:35

"To go around asking details of personal matters is just not the done thing!."

When are you getting married, when asked to an engaged person, is not a personal question. She's presumably wearing a ring or had told people about this engagement so it's public.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:38

I did read it. Your own situation is irrelevant to the comparison you made though. Surely you can see that? I didn't insult your personal circumstances, I just pointed out that attempting to compare asking engaged couples when they are getting married with asking married couples when they are getting divorced is ludicrous! Because it is! You get engaged and plan to get married. You don't get married and plan to get divorced!

powershowerforanhour · 22/09/2016 23:42

YANBU to ask people to put a bit of thought into it. If somebody I knew had been engaged for 3 weeks I'd ask when the wedding was. 3 years of "Um maybe next year oh look lovely weather we're having" later I hope I would have the sense to keep my mouth shut.
At best the couple are still saving feverishly for a big dream wedding (they probably would have said and if not, their finances are none of my business)
Or both drifting gently along together after the initial enthusiasm and neither can be bothered with the hassle and expense so they put it in the long finger, and they won't be able to come up with an answer.
Or one really wants to get on with it, the other is dragging their heels leading to doubts and tension in the relationship- not something they will want to discuss in the post office queue with a nodding acquaintance, even if it does end happily
Or the relationship has gone to shit completely- I wouldn't expect them to announce- or even be- "disengaged" as deciding this is usually an acknowledgement that the relationship is over (or that there are serious problems eg addiction that need to be overcome before they decide to stay together- again, nobody else's business).

Queenbean · 22/09/2016 23:43

I just pointed out that attempting to compare asking engaged couples when they are getting married with asking married couples when they are getting divorced is ludicrous!

I didn't even mention couples who are engaged! I mentioned two people not engaged and with no plans to being asked when they're going to get married.

I agree that people who are engaged it's not an unusual question to ask when they'll be married. But that wasn't my point and I didn't mention it at any time. You assumed it was and then were rude about it even though it was your misunderstanding of my post.

Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 22/09/2016 23:50

she may just see you and think that's her from number 34, what can I think to say? And only can remember your engagement. How often do you see her, if it is weekly then she really needs to find a new topic.

To be honest asking this more than twice a year would be to much for me, but I would just cringe and remind myself to not overshare personal information.

JellyBelli · 22/09/2016 23:50

bluesbaby I couldnt agree with you more. Many people lack empathy and even basic social skills. Theres also a strong selse of entitlement in the UK now which saddene me, like people have the right to know personal details about your life.
I'm disabled with an obscure condition few people have heard of, and constantly get 'so whats wrong with you?

UpWithPup · 22/09/2016 23:51

Ive lived in my house for 5 years, every time I see my neighbor they ask how uni is. I graduated 4.5 years ago. They're just being kind.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:52

Oh for goodness sake, you posted:

Do I go around to married couples and say "so.... When do you think you might get divorced then??"

In direct response to a thread about asking engaged couples when they are getting married. It was an obvious attempt to draw a comparison. My response was to that comparison and my response was it was ridiculous.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/09/2016 23:54

If you can't see how your comment came across then I suggest you re-read it in the context of the thread. Perhaps you weren't clear with the way you worded it.

Queenbean · 22/09/2016 23:54

Yes well the key word in that was "I" and what followed in my next paragraphs.

I've clarified that what you assumed wadnt the case, it was purely about my own post. I've said this several times and you're clearly just spoiling for a fight instead of just saying you understand what I've said.

So well done you. Very clever.

Queenbean · 22/09/2016 23:55

Thanks thread police, I'll bare that in mind next time someone picks up a comment, I clarify it, and they still willfully misunderstand me. Thanks.

MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 22/09/2016 23:57

@PaulAnkaTheDog

Light hearted Olivia, no offence intended

Fair enough, Paul, none taken - just doin' my job, gov

But AHEM and EYEBROWS to the lot of you

Peace and love already please

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