racial discrimination or AIBU???

[hollowsorrow]

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

DS looks NOTHING like me. I am White and he is a mix of Black and White. I am asked if I am his Carer sometimes. I never ever thought it was racist. I guess you feel a bit sad as you do not look alike. DS is almost eighteen and I have only just noticed recently. He is mine and that's that.

You know what? You are living in a country that is (or bloody used to be!) predominately white!

Does that mean that it's OK for white people to be racist? I don't get your point here. Are people allowed to be prejudiced about other people because they have only recently had them living in their town?

2 friends of mine - both part of mixed race couples.
Person A is white. Partner is black. Children nearer her partners complexion. No questions.
Person B is black. Partner is white. Children nearer her complexion - half the people she meets ask her "are you the mum?"

It's not abusive racism, I'll concede but it is prying, unnecessary and in the murky area of latent racism - making assumptions about someone based upon their skin colour.
I reiterate my point about 'making conversation'. Why do you, the person making this 'small talk' wish to know what the relationship is? What does it matter to you? Assuming that in many of these situations you're in a school playground or at a nursery, then the person picking up the child is authorised to do so. If you want to make small talk, then chat about the weather, or GBBO.

How bizarre this all is. I am white, blue eyed, light hair and DH is Indian. DS has brown eyes, dark brown hair and slightly tanned skin (not dark brown but in summer he goes much darker). No-one has ever questioned if I am his mum or not

It's not racist, just thoughtless and rude. My children are mixed race too (I'm white, DH is asian) and I've had countless people staring/ doing a double take when they were in their buggy after we first moved in (very white area) Nobody's been rude enough to ask outright, but you could tell they really wanted to.

Beeziek I'm 'black Irish' too and got told that Spanish Armada story growing up as well. My grandmother looked totally Spanish - thick black hair, olive skin, big dark eyes. I was (and still am) into everything Spanish as a result from a young age. Had my DNA tested this year and it turns out it's a load of codwallop. Only 1 % Iberian peninsula , 1 % African, 1% Middle Eastern, 1% Jewish and only 2% Scandanavian (so ancestors did not mix with Vikings, Norman descendents aka English etc). If you look at people from Gaelatacht areas (rg Enya and Karan Casey both of whom I look a lot like) my theory is there were dark people in Ireland as in Wales. The stereotype is red hair, fair skin, blue or green eyes and freckles but they're actually descendants of invaders! Growing up our culture was totally different to the stereotype(parents really into music, calm and mild-mannered, very hostile to war talk etc) and I remember thinking 'wow my family hate their own people' but I think now they probably saw some Irish as imposters.

OP I have no idea what your background is, but has it escaped your attention that it is rather unusual for a "brown skinned" parent to have a "white skinned" child, as compared with the other way around?
I am myself part of a family like this and there's absolutely nothing racist about it. It's a reasonable assumption (since it used to be taught right up to A level Biology) for the average person to make, ie that non white parents don't have white children.
Many people assume that my children have 2 different father's, I suppose I could find something in that to take offence about but it isn't remotely racist.

Like I say minions rule, they won't say anything because everyone know that parents from mixed heritage mostly have non white skinned children, so they will assume your partner is brown/black skinned.

My God it's called albinism
You can get forms where skin and hair is light without the facial features... That's one way you can have a white appearing child but be from a black woman or Asian!

The question is why do people feel the need to ask I mean who cares... Let alone assume you are the nanny!

I get asked daily where am I from even because I am black but speak with typical home county accent... This is because of where I am working and it often offends me as I know it is inherently racist and judgmental question though I would say it is situational and depends on how it is being asked.

People with some social skills would just ask if you are his Mum and wait to hear your story. He could be adopted for all they know. They are being at best bloody rude.

Sometimes racism isn't overt - it's in the undertones. and just like 'institutionalized racism' nobody wants to admit that these kind of 'thoughtless' comments are actually racist.

in my opinion, those women weren't being racist though as the intent wasn't there.

OP, if you feel it had racist undertones to it then that's perfectly valid. Don't allow others to make you doubt yourself.

If it happened to me i'd be pretty pissed off. They assume i must be the nanny simply because my race is different to that of the child? Have they never seen white nannies?

Or do they think the domestic 'hired help' cannot be any other race than asian?

You know what? You are living in a country that is (or bloody used to be!) predominately white! It no longer is, but for some of us, that change is still coming

And what? It's our fault that you don't want to move with the times?

Just be grateful you live in a country that doesn't stone you for your lifestyle choices

How about you be grateful? Whether OP lives in the UK or in the US - both made their wealth by plundering and raping 'our' homelands - be that under the guise of 'trade', 'colony' or outright war. The destruction they caused is still evident today.

These governments are still raping, plundering and destroying other countries for their resources. Nicely disguised as the 'war on terror'.

Do 'white' people feel the same kind of gratitude that they expect 'us' to feel?

Ahhhh....the putrid stench of White Priviledge!

Not sure, but I don't think racist. I'm white, dark brown hair, brown eyes. When my light brown hair, green eyes daughter was a baby I took care of a friend's baby for a while. Her baby was almost bald, wispy white hair, ice blue eyes. They were the same age. People would lean toward the pram and smile then recoil a little in confusion and say "not twins? Is this little one yours?" I'd say "no, just this one" (gesturing at more gorgeous baby of mine Then they'd ask if I was the nanny of bald baby. Cause she just didn't look like me or Dd.

Also, I've seen quite a few young white women in my neighbourhood w Asian kids who look fully Chinese. This area's pretty pricey so I assume women that young are unlikely to be able to afford to live here w kids. So I think "nanny". Fortunately I don't need to stick my head in the pram nor do I need to enquire of the relationship between woman & baby. I wait for people to let me know.

Racism can and does come in different forms

Yes it's racist. Those people saying it isn't are lucky enough not to understand what racism is. It doesn't have to be active and intentional.

Racism is the assumption that a brown skinned person with a light skinned child is a caregiver. If the races were reversed this assumption wouldn't be made.

Google "asked if I was the nanny" and you'll find lots of people in this situation.

My mother is white and I and my sisters are mixed race. Lots of people assumed she couldn't be our parent and it was hurtful for her. OP I suggest you say "no, I'm her mother - why do you ask?" It might get these people to realise they asked the question because of your skin colour and that this is racist.

I know pasty white twins with ginger hair. Their dad is black - not mixed race he is very dark skinned. Obviously people assumed he wasn't their bio dad. Hell even HE had his doubts and their mum had a DNA tests to prove he was their dad.

Three sheets your comment is extremely offensive! You are nasty.

Racism is the assumption that a brown skinned person with a light skinned child is a caregiver. If the races were reversed this assumption wouldn't be made.

It would, and it is! Have not many posters said that they have direct experience of this!!

Also - if an adult is out alone with a young child there are surely only two real possibilities - parent or caregiver. (And the OP said that people of all races said this to her - not just white - in which case which direction is the racism going??)

If the child does not look like the adult the assumption surely has to be that the adult is a caregiver. Stop looking for something that isn't there.

You know what? You are living in a country that is (or bloody used to be!) predominately white!
It no longer is, but for some of us, that change is still coming.

Where abouts are you living? In the 1920s?

Who gives a fuck if this country 'used to be predominantly white' we are in fact, a country that over thousands of years has had input from all over the world.
We're a mongrel country to put it bluntly, especially those of us who are white British. The change isn't just coming, it's happened for centuries.

If you're seriously saying you're still trying to get your head around multicultural Britain and 'non whites' then I suggest you get a grip (and an education)

My stepmother is black, my father is white, and their 6-y-o twins are light-skinned with ginger hair, and dark-skinned with dark hair, respectively. My father is 75 & my stepmother 42. So nobody ever knows what to make of their family. Common assumptions are:

That my father is his wife's father / FIL & the kids' grandfather

That the twins are not brothers because their skin colour is so different

That both boys can't belong to my stepmother because one has light skin

That the boys can't be my father's because (a) he's so old (b) he's white

People ask all manner of insensitive questions. To my knowledge nobody's ever assumed my stepmother was the nanny,
but nobody seems to assume the nanny is the mother either (of at least one of the boys), because she's white.

People have a very narrow idea of what a family looks like, what makes people 'belong' to one another. It encompasses race and age and all sorts. It is awkward and unpleasant. Racist? Ageist? Certainly in that it makes assumptions about who you should (or are likely to) be with based on your skin colour or age.

Reminds me of the thread yesterday where the 44-y-o mother brought her baby in to the doctor's surgery and the nurse said 'who have we got here - obviously not mum!' Enormously hurtful when people show you they don't believe you should have the child / family you have - for whatever reason, whether it's simple lack of imagination & world experience, or prejudice.

OP - I have no idea if you are still reading this.. I doubt I would be in your position. This thread is one long depressing example of how most white people just cannot grasp the reality of racism. They think it's only racism if it's violent and aggressive. All the quiet, everyday, subtle assumptions that people make about others based in the colour of your skin is just 'you being sensitive, or others being rude'.

This place used to have a fairly high level of intellect, compassion and the ability to think past ones own experience.

It's now full of thick, angry daily mail readers.

Sorry OP. Sorry every non-white person who had to deal every day with the thousand subtle negative assumptions that are made and when you point them out you get yelled at for making white people feel bad.

Fuck it, I am done with mumsnet.