racial discrimination or AIBU???

[hollowsorrow]

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

Relax. Some people are very defensive and over-sensitive!

I think it's racist . There may not be the intent to offend or upset, but the reality is, they are assuming that as a darker skinned woman people are making assumptions that your son doesn't belong to you. That you are 'staff'. It's rude and upsetting. Don't people see a woman with a baby and assume the woman is the parent (or grandparent) without making ridiculous leaps of deduction due to colour of skin? I don't believe for one second that any white woman has had a comment asking if they are childminder rather than the mother of the child they are looking after (unless they have about 6 small kids with them and are obviously a childminder.)

I was worried a bit about this when my sons were born - they (twins) are the spitting image of their and their older brother, my step son. I thought that people would hear that DSS wasn't mine and then assume that my children were also not mine. Couldn't have been further from the truth. They also look nothing like me but no one made that assumption at all! I am white, they are white.

I think it's racist . There may not be the intent to offend or upset, but the reality is, they are assuming that as a darker skinned woman people are making assumptions that your son doesn't belong to you. That you are 'staff'. It's rude and upsetting. Don't people see a woman with a baby and assume the woman is the parent (or grandparent) without making ridiculous leaps of deduction due to colour of skin? I don't believe for one second that any white woman has had a comment asking if they are childminder rather than the mother of the child they are looking after (unless they have about 6 small kids with them and are obviously a childminder.)

I was worried a bit about this when my sons were born - they (twins) are the spitting image of their and their older brother, my step son. I thought that people would hear that DSS wasn't mine and then assume that my children were also not mine. Couldn't have been further from the truth. They also look nothing like me but no one made that assumption at all! I am white, they are white.

Amibambini

oh dear me. Not RTWT and now I wont

I see this time and time again, MN might be feminist/socialist but it falls woefully short time and time again on racial issues

Yikes, I hadn't read the full thread. Some really nasty comments here. OP, if you're still there, just wanted to confirm after my long-winded post that I do think it's racist & you're right to be upset.

Sorry for the double post!

Wow this thread has turned sour!

In all honesty as someone from a mixed background I wouldn't say it's racist, I would go more for ignorant/rude.
I understand it can be offensive to you but just ignore these questions or give them a sarcastic remark back make it known they've annoyed you!

Just don't take these things to heart people will always throw out ignorant comments at you no matter what race you are! I'm more of the we only have one race "The Human Race" type person but everyone is different, don't let things like this upset you so much.

When my children were babies, we spent a lot of time in the park. On occasion I would strike up conversations with other women with young children, and they would often ask me if my son was mine. We are both blond and pale.

I thought the reason people asked this question was to find out if I was a nanny. If the other woman was a nanny, she would relate differently to me than if I was a mum. And similarly a mum would want to know if I was a mum or not. Conversation would be different.

Maybe I would have viewed it differently if I had different skin colour to my kids.

I dont think there was any racial intent, I think people just want to know if they should relate to you as a mum or a nanny/au pair. Nannies would try to make friends with other nannies, so they could meet up and have play dates. Mums might want to make mum friends, not necessarily friends with nannies.

I've been guilty of this. A white lady at my baby group had a totally black little boy and I assumed she was a childminder but in fact he was her adopted son. It was very thoughtless of me because I should have considered that families come in all different shapes and sizes these days. But I don't think it was racist.

I can imagine it's very hurtful, I've been mistaken for DS's Gran and it's not nice to be pushed out of your place.

Now my ex is one of three blonde blue eyed boys with a mixed race mother. When they visited his (white) grandparents in the West Country in the 70s people used to challenge her on what she was doing with the children and sometimes stopped her leaving shops with them. Now that's racism.

You need to look up the definition of 'racism'! Unless someone is looking down on you because of your race or ethnicity, excluding you, treating you as inferior, or being unkind in any way just because of your race - then it's not racism. It is fairly unusual to have a light skinned child when you yourself are dark skinned, but certainly not impossible. People are just unintentionally making incorrect assumptions, based on what they've seen before in their lives. Maybe that's very little. They aren't being mean or nasty or really anything deliberate at all, just perhaps not very good at waiting to be told something. Also, if you live in an affluent area, or go to expensive groups, the likelihood of it being a nanny taking the child then increases - yes I am aware that this does not apply to everyone, just something I have noticed where I live. Seems like most caregivers at Gymboree are nannies, a lot of people at my school pick up are nannies. I am white and blonde, my kids are dark skinned, with black hair and they look nothing like me. People that don't realise I'm their biological mother don't give me the racism vibe at all. I just say "no I'm not the nanny, I'm their mum but they take after their dad". Job done.

I've not RTFT as its apparently got really shitty. My tuppence worth is that people assume that our youngest can't be ours because we're both very dark, hair and eyes, and olive skinned, yet DS is less dark haired, less olive skinned and has bright blue eyes (like his granny).

I don't think they are being racist but it's a funny Q to ask isn't it? What relation are you to the child? Don't worry about it. I am the eldest - small, fair and blonde and my brother and sister are olive skinned and very dark hair and both a lot bigger than me. I am always asked if I have the same dad

I think there is quite a lot of mixing up of terms here. And where I agree that what happened wasn't racially discriminatory it was racially prejudiced and therefore a form of racism.

I am a childminder and constantly have people commenting on the children I'm with - they look like me (or don't) or like each other (or not) and other silly things like how close in age they are of whatever. When I'm with my own children I constantly get asked where my youngest gets her curls from. I don't think people are intentionally rude - just asking the same old questions or making the same comments.

I'm not sure it's racist useless it's meant hatefully is it? Otherwise it's just silly comments about a particular characteristic?? Maybe I've got that completely wrong though so I'm sorry if I have!

You need to look up the definition of 'racism'!

says a WHITE and BLONDE woman

have you heard of white privilege? maybe OP has experienced racism so many times she is bruised?

fucks sake

Yes, I am staggered at this confident pronouncing - 'This IS NOT racism'.

You don't know the motivations/intentions of the speakers, do you?

You might not feel that what the op reported was racist, but saying that absolutely, you can guarantee it wasn't racism is ridiculous.

back atcha.

I had the same thing happen to me OP (I look Asian, though actually mixed race, my DS is blonde with blue eyes). I considered it to be racist as the asker presumably wouldn't have asked the question if they hadn't made a judgement about my race, DS's race and our relationship.
Even if not racist it's certainly ignorant.

I found it happened a lot when DS was young but didn't really happen much after that. In hindsight, I think it was because I exposed to more new people. I never had the comment made by a teacher/health care person/other person I was seeing in a professional capacity.

stopfuckingshoutingatme

Yes I've heard of white privilege. Assuming that the OP is bruised from previous experiences doesn't mean that the people are being racist by asking what relationship she has to her child, when they look so different. It's nosy. It's rude. It isn't inherently racist. As I said, plenty of people have asked me if I'm the nanny, because my children look so different to me. Just as you said in nice big caps, I am WHITE and BLONDE and yet 'white privilege' didn't come into play when it was me being asked by ransoms, the very same question as the OP was asked. Just that the skin colours were reversed. I am aware, very aware that racism exists, I am not naive to it at all, but you can't call everyone a racist for making a comment basically stemming from a narrow view of genetics, that everyone in a family ought to look the same. In my case I had assumed that the person asking the question just put their foot in their mouth, nothing more sinister - not everyone is a raging bloody racist!

mygorgeousmilo

I am also white and blonde

and I used to come out with shit like "London is so diverse" and "London is SO not racist compared to other cities" , yada yada yada, talking out of my arse

then my black and Asian friends kind of educated me on that point.

I came down a bit hard, but the general rule is when it comes to racism, white people (myself included) need to shut the fuck up, as we really cant make confident statements on something we don't experience

I lived near London for a few years, moved from Scotland, and I was absolutely stunned at the level of racism that my friends encountered growing up. One in particular used to talk about her experiences as a black child growing up on the road to Upton Park (West Ham stadium) and it made me want to cry. I hate that we live in a society where this is allowed to happen, where it's not challenged every fucking time it happens, where people are just expected to be treated like shit for no other reason than the colour of their skin. It's vile.

I came down a bit hard, but the general rule is when it comes to racism, white people (myself included) need to shut the fuck up, as we really cant make confident statements on something we don't experience

I am not white or blonde. I don't think it was racist or does my opinion not count

I looked nothing like my Mum (we were both white, I'm ginger, she was olive skinned and dark haired) mainly because i was adopted. She was asked whether she was my Mum many times - and when I was older, it was assumed we were a lesbian couple on more than one occasion.

'I don't think it was racist', is a fine response to the OP (and indeed has been said lots throughout this thread).

Saying 'you need to look up what racism is', 'people are unintentionally making incorrect assumptions', 'people aren't being mean or nasty or really anything deliberate at all,' is quite different.