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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

racial discrimination or AIBU???

281 replies

hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 21:30

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 21/09/2016 22:02

I am white,dd is white but i was asked the same thing at the park.

Catsize · 21/09/2016 22:03

It isn't racism, it's just daft on their part. Why don't these people think you could be the child's adoptive mother for example?

PikaPikaPikachu · 21/09/2016 22:03

It's not racism though. You are not being discriminated against. Some people (rather tactlesly) ask questions that don't really need to be asked. But they just making small talk. No one said for example that you were not fit to be his mother because of your colour! Now that would be a racist statement. Merely asking if he is yours is just that, a question. Not a racist comment!

Like when people ask if my 2 have the same dad as one blonde and one dark. Yes they do! They not being racist/sexist/hairist or whatever, just asking stupid questions that they don't need to.

Simply smile and say 'no I actually stole him! Of course he's mine you nosey sod' Grin

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 21/09/2016 22:06

Maybe some of those asking are racist but I wouldn't say it's a racist question

my mum had this with me (my father Asian) I have this sometimes with da as he is very fair

Original poster
hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 22:06

Chikara I am sorry i have obviously used the wrong terminology its not meant to offend anyone quite the contrary. English is not my first language although i have spent my lifetime learning the language i still make errors and this is one of them.

OP posts:
Chikara · 21/09/2016 22:06

I have just said I get asked this question too. And still do even though my boy is a teen - but always when he was a baby. Is that racist.

So are you saying that all the people of all races that ask you are being racist?? And all the people of all races that asked me were also being racist??

Well if that's what you think - you are entitled to your opinion. Can't be much fun being you.

RebelRogue · 21/09/2016 22:07

In defence of the op,if you belonged to a race that was historically "servant" , including nannies,you might look at those comment with different eyes.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/09/2016 22:11

Confused How is it not racism?

I am sure it is very innocent and ignorant, of course. But that doesn't make it not racist, does it? I mean, if you were innocently certain that black people were all intellectually inferior to white people, we wouldn't pretend that innocent lack of knowledge meant the belief wasn't racist, surely? In the same way, not realising a parent can have a child who doesn't look much like them might be the result of ignorance, but it is still a belief that can only occur in a racist society.

WhateverWillBe · 21/09/2016 22:12

the only obvious difference is the skin colour, which represents my race, hence i think its racism

Noticing that one person has white skin and another has brown skin is not the same as displaying racism.

Chikara · 21/09/2016 22:12

its not meant to offend anyone quite the contrary. And yet it frequently does. There have been whole threads on it here if you'd like to search.

But it doesn't matter. Do you really think people who comment on your DS are intending to offend you???? Unlikely I'd say. But you would brand them racist and all that entails. (It's a pretty horrible thing to accuse someone of you know.)

Anyway - off to sort out my DS - who must be a changeling child - Grin - (wish I was that thin and had long skinny legs instead of tree trunks)

Lorelei76 · 21/09/2016 22:13

OP I know what you mean
It also depends on your definition of racism
I have a very different skin colour to my dad and sister and I also find the questions uncomfortable.

But then mostly I find it annoying because I tend to feel that anyone who is curious or makes assumptions is...not my kind of person. I realise it's not racist in the sense of "we don't like people of your skin colour" but there is a weird undertone of lack acceptance of mixed race....to me that lack of acceptance is a form of racism. Well that's how I feel anyway.

I've had many posters comment on topics like this saying "but I'm just interested/curious" and I feel like a museum exhibit.

ohtheholidays · 21/09/2016 22:13

No it's not racism and I'd been asked before in front of my ex husband who the Father to my son was because my son's got dark almond shaped eyes,lovely golden brown skin and black hair,his brother is pale,lighter hair and really blue eyes.
They have the same Mum(me)and the same Dad my ex husband but my oldest son looks celtic,like his Father(he's Irish)and my second oldest son takes after my side of the family.

I had tons of people ask me,I used to get asked if I was my oldest DS Mum,I was never offended why would I be?There was an obvious difference in how we looked to one another.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/09/2016 22:14

Noticing that one person has white skin and another has brown skin is not the same as displaying racism.

Of course, but assuming a white-skinned baby can't have a brown-skinned mother, surely is?

LittleWingSoul · 21/09/2016 22:14

Not racist... don't take it to heart!

I am mixed race but both my kids turned put blonde and blue eyed, plus I speak to them is Spanish so I have a long standing joke that people must look at me and think I'm the au pair! But who cares? I think it's unfair to presume people are racist because they are being genuinely inquisitive.

This kinda reminds me of the "but where are you REALLY from" thread.

grumpysquash3 · 21/09/2016 22:16

My DD is white. Her best friend is mixed race, white mum, Indian dad. Best friend has two sisters.
There have been times when DD has gone out with the mum and the girls and people have assumed that she is the 'real' daughter and the other three girls must be guests (even though two of them look really like their mum) Confused
I think they all feel a bit bad when that happens :(

I'm not sure it is really racist though - probably reflects (old fashioned) expectations of how the world is.

RebelRogue · 21/09/2016 22:16

It's one thing asking the op if she's the mum,a completely different one asking if she is the nanny/caregiver. This is where racism could possibly play a part

ThreeSheetsToTheWind · 21/09/2016 22:16

It's not racist at all. It's people making judgements (and don't we all?) on their life experiences. If I was in the S of the country I would not comment, but where I now live my perception would be different. But that isn't racist. Those who live in a very multicultural society wouldn't bat an eyelid, but those of us who live in a very.. well, I don't know how to describe where I live apart from it is very English, but that's not a bad thing.

LittleWingSoul · 21/09/2016 22:18

I'm still holding out for DC3 to look a little bit like me though ;-)

littleflamingo · 21/09/2016 22:18

If you were blonde with a dark baby I would think you're his nanny. And so the opposite. Nothing to do with racism

Original poster
hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 22:19

Chikara i feel you have nothing constructive to say, thats why you are being so negative. you are entitled to your opinion and so am I.

OP posts:
user1469576290 · 21/09/2016 22:20

RebelRogue has got it right. The racist part is surely asking if the OP is the nanny/caregiver?! For all those talking about the opposite way around, i.e. white mum with child with different skin colour, do you think they would also be asked if they were the nanny/caregiver?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/09/2016 22:20

Three, where I live is very English too. It's great. It's also multicultural - which is 'English' too.

Making judgments based on life experience is fine. Making judgements based on life ignorance is fine too - nobody can help being ignorant. But, if someone is ignorant enough to not realise that white people can have babies with brown people, then they need to learn!

DailyMailPenisPieces · 21/09/2016 22:21

Put it down to ignorance and stupidity Flowers there's a lot of it about.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/09/2016 22:21

Chikara i think its racist, because i would not be asked this question, if i was white or my ds was brown. to me the only obvious difference is the skin colour, which represents my race, hence i think its racism.

Yes you could be. I have been!

Your situation isn't racism

Chikara · 21/09/2016 22:21

Actually I would have liked my DD to have looked slightly less like me. She is lovely but the heavy hips and chunky thighs are there! Her colouring is identical and from the back, head and shoulders, it'd be hard to tell us apart. As I said - my DS however....

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