racial discrimination or AIBU???

[hollowsorrow]

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

Benedikte2 one of my friends got their dna tested and the results came back saying that a large proportion of their ancestry was a different ethnic group to the one they presumed they belonged to. Turned out their father was not the man who had raised them. Be careful what you wish for!

OP I am so sorry you feel that way. I am sure that people have no intention of offending you. If it makes you feel any better, when I was talking to a couple I assumed the lady was the mans mother, she was actually his wife. Very embarrassing. I learned a lesson that day :)

Please don't take offence where none is intended.

This has reminded me of a friend I had who's skin was at white as mine and I'm very pale.

When I met her dad I assumed he was her stepdad because he was black.

Then again i have a problem with facial recognition and didn't see that there were other indicators of her heritage in her face. I was very surprised to realise she was mixed race.

Mywine no, those assumptions are not made with a white mum and a brown skinned child. I have never had anyone assume I'm the nanny or childminder. Ever.

I would say it's a case of stereotyping and not racism.

My mum was often asked if I was her child

It does happen and there was far more racism about in the 70's

People are inquisitive and having a young child with you people are more likely to interact with you the focus being on the child

I'm Mediterranean and my DH is Scandinavian. My DC looks Scandinavian. I have been asked this question too. In my case it cannot be racist as we are the same race. So I don't think it is necessarily racist...

Not racist. Just thoughtless. I'm dark and straight haired of irish decent my husband blonde and looks like a viking. Our children have all got his curly blonde hair and freckles. When they were little so many people asked if they were mine and was I minding them. I just said they've got their dad's colouring. It didn't annoy me people are just curious when they see a stark difference between parent and child. However it's not polite to ask

those assumptions are not made with a white mum and a brown skinned child.

I'm white, and DS is mixed race and those assumptions were made.

But as I said, it was in an area where I looked/was young compared to the other more 'professional' type mothers - (and I suppose I look slightly 'foreign'/Mediterranean' too).

There are a lot of young nannies at ds school

Maybe some of the are not and I have made the assumption

My friend is white and her DH is of Bangladeshi heritage and she has been asked if she is a CM when out with her DDs (by somebody looking for a CM). I don't necessarily think it's racist, but it's a silly thing to say and I can understand why it upsets you if you hear it a lot.

People on the school run are always commenting on how like me my kids are, i am their childminder not their mum and they look nothing like me. We have similar fair colouring but thats it. Sometimes people only notice colouring and not features iykwim. I don't think people are singling you out to comment op, it happens to everyone.

I think its a little racist..although race ignorance is perhaps closer....

People ask because we aren't as a culture that used to mixed race families. If we were then no one would think it odd to see parents and children with different skin colours.

In the UK, mixed race is still unusual...where I live it is almost non-existent. So that is an expression of societies general racism...but for individuals it is just a lack of experience with the wide variation of skin tone that happens in mixed race families.

I think it driven by ignorance rather than a racist intent. I also wonder if you are finding hurtful when your role as a mother is completely ignored by people. When my DC were little and I was adjusting to motherhood I would have found comments like "are you the nanny" very undermining and upsetting. I would have been upset that people couldn't see the obvious connection I felt with my child.
DH is North African and I am typical Celtic. When DS2 was younger he was blond haired and blue eyed whilst DS1 has dark brown hair and eyes. If you saw them in passing it wouldn't be obvious that they were both related to me or each other.

I would have found comments like "are you the nanny" very undermining and upsetting. I would have been upset that people couldn't see the obvious connection I felt with my child.

Yes, yes - it is unsettling. I remember thinking: 'can't you see the love in my eyes? No, maybe you can't, don't I have enough love in my eyes? gah, why don't I look like a mother, what am I doing wrong? Does he hate me?' etc, etc.

All from one throwaway comment!

ohtheholidays "I've faced real racism myself,"

so have I. I'm sure a lot of people on this thread have.

this isn't a "report to anyone" racism thing, it's more unconscious bias.

OP someone else said about not having any friends if you take offence at this sort of thing - don't worry, I have plenty and I'm sure you will find plenty here too!

May i ask if those that think it is not racist are white, possibly British by any chance?

In my case yes, but the people I wrote about are not and I I wrote what I did based on their experience not my own.

Incidentally the friend with the white daughter was once on a trip where her young child got in to trouble with another child.

The other child was black but had white adoptive parents.

They had a laugh about how people seeing them telling off their own children might think that they were each telling off 'the wrong one'.

When I was a teen a friend of mine's mum was a childminder. My friend and I would sometimes take the children to the park / in to town in baby buggies. I'm sure most people weeing us would assume we were teenage mums.

BTW I suppose most people have seen the pics of the twin teenagers, one with whiter than white skin and the other more obviously mixed race?

Is it racist when people are suprised they are twins? If so which race is being discriminated against?

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/black-white-twins-meet-sisters-5256945

YABU. Racism is when a persons race or skin colour is used against them in a negative way. Asking whether a child is yours is not negative. Its a curious question. I am white my ds is mixed race (adopted). I have been asked many times if my son is my own. I have always replied, " Yes he is" (Because he is) I have never felt the need to explain.

IME people (men) asking if you are the nanny are hoping that you are, and are therefore single. So it's sort of a compliment assuming they aren't being sleazy about it!

Purple I am also an adoptive parent of a child who is not white, and I am white. There is a lot more to racism than that. I can recommend some groups if you want to find out more. I think it's really important to learn about the issues that will face my DC when they are older, and not to dismiss things and tell them they are "too sensitive".

Thank drspouse but I have ensured my ds keeps in contact with his birth families so he gains first hand experience of his historical culture. He has regular meet ups and sleep overs with his extended birth family. We are also involved with groups who specialise in interracial families. What is your perception of racism - if not perceived negative connotations regarding race or skin colour?

No its not racist at all you are expecting strangers to know your life story

May i ask if those that think it is not racist are white, possibly British by any chance?

Nope black/asian mixed and I am going through REAL racism so tbh I find people like yourself op extremely annoying, one day you may experience something which is truly racist then you will relies how irrelevant people making an assumption is not bad. This does not affect your life like REAL racism would,

Purple that is just one part of it.

It includes supposedly positive comments (gosh she must be good at music/sports/maths),
"othering" (wow you have such DIFFERENT hair/food/skin/culture), objectifying (eg using food terms to describe brown skin and hair, when you don't do that for white people),
expressing surprise that someone is good at something (your English is so good!),
stereotyping (like assuming I'm mum but the OP, or my part West Indian friend, is the nanny).
Exoticising- Indian girls are soooo sexy, you must know the Kama Sutra
Microagressions like following black customers round shops.
Being stopped for driving while black (or reported to airline staff for writing mathematical symbols while brown)
People rejecting your job application unconsciously because your name gives away your race.
People labeling you as "less British" and asking where you're from. Saying "it's nothing like England any more" when visiting London.
Not being able to play with toys or read books about children that look like them. Being told to buy "skin coloured" tights that aren't.
Etc etc. All things our children may face in the future and it's my job to let mine know it's OK to be upset or complain about them.

I've been asked if I was a childminder lots of times in the past as well and that's because I have 5DC,it's never offended me it made me laugh that so many people presume that if you have over 2DC they can't possibly be all your's.

The lady that presumed that my Irish husband(now ex husband)couldn't be my sons Father because my son has lovely golden skin,very dark almond shaped eyes and black hair(he looks far more like me than his Father)wasn't being racist and it didn't offend me although it could have caused me problems as my ex husband was an abusive bastard!
But did I,would I have blamed her if he'd kicked of at me no of course I wouldn't she wasn't to know!

Being called dirty,your ancestors having been hounded and gassed because of who they were,being attacked physically,being treated unfairly because of who you are,where your ancestors are from,where your from,obscenities and vile names being said about you,offensive jokes at your expense because of the way you look,your herritage,your beliefs,the way you talk that's all racism.

And that's something all of my family have been raised for generations to never except even if that means stepping in and protecting someone we don't know.

What's happening in America is Racism,not someone asking a question and making a mistake,unless they're saying it in a nasty way or are being an arse I wouldn't call it racism.

Being as you talk about racism OP I'm surprised you said the word coloured my friends would call you racist they can't stand that and I agree with them!