racial discrimination or AIBU???

[hollowsorrow]

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

Also on the holidays I am in tears hearing about that child scrubbing his skin. I am pregnant so I cry a lot.
My dad did this when little, scarring his face.
So so so sorry people have to experience this as definitely you are right in saying lets not tone it down.
sad about humans

Thanks Piglet. I stand corrected and I have some thinking to do then.
Always learning in this matter.

Op I can understand why this upsets you. My son is part middle eastern but so far looks as white as me and I think it probably bothers my husband that he doesn't look more like him. Once when he was taking him out for a walk he joked that people would think he'd stolen him. My husband isn't dark but he's obviously not fully white iykwim?
It also happens when race isn't even a part of it, my brother and SIL are both white and my nephew looks very much like my brother. People mistake him for my son as he's more like me than like my SIL and she's fed up hearing it now - I don't blame her!

I don't doubt some people asking are racist

But people are generally nosey we tend to hide it behind and ask in general questions in other countries they ask far more directly it's part of our interactions with people we don't know and a starting point in converations

I think most people are just being a little nosey nothing more

I am a white mum with a brown skinned child. Nobody ever asks if I'm the nanny. Racism doesn't have to be deliberate, and this is racist.

"This is playing down and diluting what real racism is!"

No it's not, racism isn't always overt or malicious, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Assuming that the darker skinned mother is not the mother is part of a bigger issue, where non white people are also asked where they're from constantly, where women are other others by questions about hair.

It may not have ill intent behind it, but it does show that there is a constant - not like me issue going on and that is racism.

It absolutely is racist. I am the reverse situation (blonde with a mixed race son) I get asked if he is adopted.....not if I am staff. You are going to get a host of white people with no experience of racism telling you it couldn't possibly be racist.....but it is. 100%.

I'm intrigued why some people think it's racist if the Mum is brown or black and the kid white but not if its the other way round.

Surely if one is racist then the other is too. 'That brown/black child can't have a natural white parent, it must be adopted or that white woman must be a nanny'. Then the racism is directed at the child not the mother.

Personally I don't think it's racist but it is rude to make assumptions and comment.

I lived overseas and had my DC young. We lived in wealthy neighborhoods and my DC had much, much darker skin, black hair and eyes - they also didn't have the same accent as me - People used to think I was their nanny. I don't understand why PP and the OP don't think it would be 'racist' compared to the situation if I were coloured/black and the kids white?

OP, it's interesting you made a 'mistake' and used an outdated term. That doesn't make you racist though. Surely, as long as there are no bad intentions then the people asking if you are the child's Mum are just making a 'mistake' too. A rude one but not a racist one.

BTW I'm baffled that it happens everyday? That sounds odd. Do people stop you in the street or something.

BTW2. the term coloured is an acceptable and legal term in some countries and is actually an official racial group in South Africa so you shouldn't assume someone who is using the word coloured is using an incorrect term. I know not to use it in the UK but I would use it in South Africa. I

FFS this is not racism. This is people just asking a question!!! It is probably something they have not seen before, so they ask!

OP, I've been asked the same over 2 decades ago.
I am paler than white and white blonde hair naturally [not kidding at all] My DD had gorgeous long dark hair with an auburn sheen in the sunlight.

People be stupid

Being an adoptive parent is praiseworthy, high status. White mum.
Being a nanny is low status. Black mum.
Obvious enough for you?

Witty were you living somewhere like the Middle East or Mediterranean where wealthy families employ English-speaking young nannies?
Because in those countries, yes, the assumption can be that a northern European is staff.
In the UK the assumption is that the Black person is staff.

The irony is that calling people "coloured" is racist but you want us to ignore that because you don't have ill intent.

In other words, you want us to give you the benefit of the doubt whilst you withhold that from other people!

I find you using coloured more offensive tbh.

I'm glad the tide of this thread seems to be turning. YANBU op I struggle to see how people aren't viewing this as being racist. It's not the same as people asking if you're mum - let's be honest that's a question most of us will ask daily when asking 'as you X's mum' in the playground. I can't say I ever get offended by an innocuous question like that. However it's the implicit suggestion that she must be paid to be there and that she's merely there to care for the white child that's the racist bit. It's underlying assumptions like that (and peoples integral beliefs about POC) that allows more overt forms of racism to be accepted. Obviously I am not meaning to degrade the work of nannies and childminders but I can see why the OP would be offended and sad by being denied the opportunity to show off her beautiful baby without those first few months being tarnished.

As an aside, dd and I look nothing alike facially (a long running joke in our family) but no one has ever questioned whether I am the nanny rather than her mother. Perhaps it's because we both have the same colouring.

I'm in the 'not racist' camp. I'm Asian. My brown skinned son has a white English nanny. No one has ever assumed that she is his mother. Everyone has always assumed that she is his nanny/caregiver and she has now been looking after him for 4 years. No one has also EVER assumed that she adopted him.

We go to a music class where there is an English child who has now attended for 2 years with an English lady who looks exactly like him. I only discovered last week she was his nanny and not his mum! This stuff happens. I would really let it go.

It's neither racist nor discriminatory. Your child doesn't look like you so people are curious.

You are going to get a host of white people with no experience of racism telling you it couldn't possibly be racist.....but it is. 100%.

Amazed that you know the ethnicity of all posters.

It's not racist to talk about somebody's race..

People ask stupid questions. My dds hair was curly when she was a baby and the number of times I got asked if it was natural.... Always tempted to reply that no I permed it

I doubt people are being deliberately racist. Just thoughtless.

And I also thought it was only outdated for whites people to use the terms coloured and brown. I thought people of another coloured skin can call themselves what they like and not get jumped on by the way they refer to themselves!!!

My godson is mixed race but the red haired gene of his mother was a lot stronger than his father. It was only when he was starting school that some of his features from his father developed. He has little to do with his dads family after they demanded DNA tests. It's not only white people who are curious about skin colour. I find people look for differences to start conversations. I would rather awareness of upset was raised than going straight to racism as others have said we will end up in a society of silence.

I'm black btw. You're not going to have any friends if you decide to make enemies of people for no reason. Most of the people encouraging you to get mad don't care if you don't have any.

Outrage culture > happy life

My good looking Dublin friend described himself as 'Black Irish' with an ancestor who had been shipwrecked from the Spanish Armada.
When teaching I heard a conversation between two Y7 boys about their ethnicity. The green eyed, light brown haired, golden skinned one enlightened the other with 'No, I'm not white, my Dad's from Pakistan!'
Red hair pops up in families and used to attract stupid 'jokes' about the milkman. Not many milkmen now, of any hair colour! However red haired children do get bullied by the ignorant.
Surprised to hear how many people are so inquisitive, especially in London. Can't they find another intrusive question to ask like how much did your house cost, or how much do you earn?! 🤔

And yes I think it comes from a racist view of different colour/ different accent = nanny
No I really don't think that's the thought process at all!
Exactly the same assumption would be made if the mum was white and the child was black, or even when the differences aren't that stark.
I've seen it with a brown haired white mum and her albino son.
People are nosey and don't understand genetics. It is nothing to do with seeing black people as staff.

DrSpouse. I lived in a country where nannies could be from anywhere but there were still young British nannies.

I wonder if the OP is young looking and that is what's prompting the questions. I think the average age of first time mums in some parts of London is 68 or something So they are not being racist but ageist. 🤔