MIL upset about lack of thank you card...

[allsfairinlove]

Actually DP and I aren't married yet but for convenience sake I'm calling her MIL.

It came about because she gave me a card and book for my birthday. Obviously I thanked her, gave her a hug and kiss, thanked her again saying goodbye and emailed FIL the same evening to say thank you (MIL doesn't use Internet or have email address).

This was a week ago. This afternoon I received a an email from FIL saying MIL was upset she hadn't received a card yet but that he was sure it was in the post.

Truth is I did forget as its been frantically busy at work and initially when I read FIL's email I was mortified. But now I'm a bit annoyed and don't want to send one at all because it seems to me a complete overreaction although I realise I'm probably being a bit petty.

This isn't the first time and it's probably my fault for making a rod for my own back as I've always send cards after it arose the first Christmas I met PILs and I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was, and that she was surprised as I had seemed "such a nice young lady". I should have just shrugged it off in hindsight but being a bit shy and lacking in confidence back then, I was embarrassed and felt terrible that I'd upset her.

Now though, her drama lama ways just irritate me.

My family don't expect thank you cards. And I was brought up thinking a call, text or email is fine.

DP says he gets stick too for not sending cards and that I should just ignore it because she'll only find something else to moan about.

I'm about to go to the supermarket now and can easily pick up a card.

So, to card or not to card?

It's the FIL I feel sorry for having to put up with the MILs nagging and complaining

According to Emily Post, you only need send a thank you card if the giver wasn't there to be thanked in person emilypost.com/advice/thank-you-notes-to-send-or-not-to-send/ So take that MIL!

Just because his family do something a certain way, doesn't mean you will just tap into that and fall in line. You create your own new traditions which maybe an amalgamation of both family traditions with new ones added.

How rude she wrote a letter. How rude her Fil emailed

Try emailing fil back 'oh dear, I think mil must have forgotten that I've thanked her twice in person already.

I love how the ad under this thread is Interflora 😂 Mumsnet clearly thinks a thank you card is not enough - you should send a bucket bouquet of flowers!

No card is necessary.Wow that she sent you a letter! How rude.What on earth did you in her mind,say or do to prompt that OP?

I wouldn't give in (although I would have done in younger years as I lacked assertiveness). This instantly gives her the upper hand. If she's like this about one issue, she may be so about others. And imagine being dictated to about a number of issues.

I would politely tell her that via email that you have thanked her both face to face and via email. Apologise that she feels sleighted as no sleight was intended. Tell her we are all different and you will unfortunately not be able to comply with her demand for a thank you card.

She's infantilising you I think. It sounds like classic matriarchal stuff to me, or at least controlling.

I'd be so tempted to reply with "Dearest MIL, after you kindly wrote to me after that first dreadful Christmas pointing out my terrible manners, I have made it my life's work to educate myself in the matters of etiquette so that I never bring such embarrassment on the family again. Imagine my surprise and shame, therefore, when I recently learned that we have in fact both been mistaken and that, according to Debretts (my bible in all matters now, as you can appreciate), thank you cards should only be sent when there was no opportunity to thank the giver in person! I know you will be as mortified upon reading this as I was. To spare our blushes I won't ask for the cards sent in error hitherto to be returned, but you have my wholehearted assurance that I will never commit such a faux pas again. Yrs etc, allsfair"

Obviously I wouldn't, but soooooo tempting.

Buy a job-lot of 30 thank you cards, all in the same design. And write exactly the same words in each card using the same pen.

"Dearest MIL, I understand that sending Thank You cards is part of your culture but not mine. I would not dream of offending you by committing cultural appropriation. Have a nice day. DIL"

The only person who should write a thank you card is the recipient of the gift, or in case of a child the parent/s of said child. Put your foot down op, don't let her enforce her views on you. ' Thanks for the offer but we'll do it ourselves'.

Wrong thread..sorry.