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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL upset about lack of thank you card...

162 replies

allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:11

Actually DP and I aren't married yet but for convenience sake I'm calling her MIL.

It came about because she gave me a card and book for my birthday. Obviously I thanked her, gave her a hug and kiss, thanked her again saying goodbye and emailed FIL the same evening to say thank you (MIL doesn't use Internet or have email address).

This was a week ago. This afternoon I received a an email from FIL saying MIL was upset she hadn't received a card yet but that he was sure it was in the post.

Truth is I did forget as its been frantically busy at work and initially when I read FIL's email I was mortified. But now I'm a bit annoyed and don't want to send one at all because it seems to me a complete overreaction although I realise I'm probably being a bit petty.

This isn't the first time and it's probably my fault for making a rod for my own back as I've always send cards after it arose the first Christmas I met PILs and I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was, and that she was surprised as I had seemed "such a nice young lady". I should have just shrugged it off in hindsight but being a bit shy and lacking in confidence back then, I was embarrassed and felt terrible that I'd upset her.

Now though, her drama lama ways just irritate me.

My family don't expect thank you cards. And I was brought up thinking a call, text or email is fine.

DP says he gets stick too for not sending cards and that I should just ignore it because she'll only find something else to moan about.

I'm about to go to the supermarket now and can easily pick up a card.

So, to card or not to card?

OP posts:

3Eggses · 20/09/2016 18:40

I don't think I have ever in my life sent a thank you card. I've never received one either. I thank in person, by email or over the phone (I'm 30). I will not follow up my thanks with yet more thanks and have no expectation of others.

Reply to the email saying you already thanked her in person so no, there is no card in the post.

If my MIL sent me a letter saying how rude I am I'd tell DP to put her right before I do!

Honestly, OP put a stop to this madness. Don't you dare spend a penny on a card!

PNGirl · 20/09/2016 18:41

What gets me here is that a book if it's a paperback is what, 6 quid? 8? And a full price thank you card is about 3 quid including a stamp from Clintons. Why would you be expected to spend half the cost of a gift in the form of a card?!

GarlicMist · 20/09/2016 18:42

Get a cheap job lot of business cards printed with "Thank you so much" on. Everytime she gives you something, smile sweetly and hand her one.

This is utter genius!

Tbh, I don't think it's a big deal to send a card to people who bother about them. It makes them happy.

The pre-printed card's such a fabulous compromise

Thinkingblonde · 20/09/2016 18:43

I think the MIL is the one lacking in manners, sending you that letter. I'd send her a notelet, not a T/Y card saying that it's etiquette to only send a T/Y card if you haven't thanked the gift giver in person and that you did thank her face to face, twice you then followed it up with an email to FIL.

See how she likes them apples...

GarlicMist · 20/09/2016 18:45

I keep the little pack of free cards that charities send to guilt-trip you into donating. Not only do my thanks only cost the price of a stamp, but it looks like I'm Doing Good Works

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/09/2016 18:45

Line in the sand now OP. She doesn't get to dictate to you.

Redglitter · 20/09/2016 18:48

I agree with pp. If you thank someone in person you don't send a card. Don't give in to her if you do it this time it'll be expected for ever more

Pemba · 20/09/2016 18:50

Ridiculous of them to demand a card when they have each been thanked - one in person, and one by email. Surely the reason thank you cards were invented is for when you don't receive the gift in person?

I think there is some kind of card fetish going on there.

bloodyteenagers · 20/09/2016 18:57

I would email back - fil I think you might need to take mil to the doctors. Something clearly isn't right as I thanked her in person when she gave me the present and as she left. I know emails sometimes get missed if receiving hundreds a day, so I understand if she missed the thank you email..

Or you emailed me by mistake. I have thanked her. In person and email.

Yorkieheaven · 20/09/2016 19:01

Silly cow!!

You said thankyou and that's fine. Hate bloody drama queen sulkers and your fil should have told her to get a bloody grip!

Preens as my dil just sent me a text signing off that I am 'the best mil and grandma ever'

Back to thread

Minniemagoo · 20/09/2016 19:01

I think its sad not to send a card. You know its important to her, its not a big deal to do and sometimes you do crap for people you love just to make them happy. I dont subscibe to the idea that its your DP family so his problem. You are a couple and can do something nice for a woman who may be bat shit crazy but is family.
My MIL loves reading the swntiments on cards, no plain happy birthday for her! Neither DH nor I do cards for anything generally but for her I make the effort and fond the cringiest card I can. It makes her happy.

coconutpie · 20/09/2016 19:06

She sent you a letter after Christmas?! WTF. She sounds unhinged .... Do not send a thank you card. Stop this nonsense.

FranHastings · 20/09/2016 19:08

If you do send one, get a large letter sized card and only put a normal stamp on.

PlanetSchmanetJanet · 20/09/2016 19:12

Buy her a book on etiquette as a present and highlight the page on Thankyous. Give it with a note saying 'I thought you would appreciate this, I've highlighted some passages I think would be of interest to you'.

Blerg · 20/09/2016 19:19

She sounds intensely rude and hard work OP. I couldn't leave the email unanswered and agree with some suggestions unthread.

I love the business card idea.

OCSockOrphanage · 20/09/2016 19:21

Have not RFT but as the person who is the same age as OP's great-aunt, my rule is thank you letters for weekends away and dinners cooked, hugs and thanks for presents received and opened in the donor's presence, and calls or texts or e-mail for anything else, such as meal treats or whatever. And a proper business thank you letter after a job interview that went well that you would really want!

Please note, children are expected to write proper thank you notes regardless, for handwriting practice, but only for gifts and parties.

Blerg · 20/09/2016 19:21

Meant to say - I've got in trouble not sending a thank you card the instant I unwrap something from MIL or her mum. I get a panicky text making sure we got it. Yes, give me two fucking days to send it please. Irritating. Then any thanks I send look insincere.

LugsTheDog · 20/09/2016 19:22

I like the sound of your DP actually OP. When someone tells you how to handle their mother, listen....

The written thank you notes on the day are just genius, I'd be so tempted...

OCSockOrphanage · 20/09/2016 19:24

I am told the rule for children is one line of writing per year of age. Am still struggling with that one; DS is inclined to be laconic in turn of phrase.

ChocolateWombat · 20/09/2016 19:27

I agree that you need to assert yourself at this point, so you are not dictated to......but do it in a gracious, non-confrontational way that allows her to back off without losing face.

Definitely reply to email from FiL. Just say something in a cheery tone, thanking him for his message and saying that you thanked in person and sent an email - you hope that they received it. Say that you are always very appreciative of their gifts and will always thank them - sometimes it might be a card and sometimes an email or phone all or whatever. Finish cheerily by saying how you are really enjoying the book and you hope they are having a good week.

Don't be grovelling or apologetic in the message - just be friendly and cheery and state what you have done and will continue to do.

This isn't about being mean by not sending a card, but refusing to be dictated to and bullied, which is what they are essentially trying to do. I'm sure you will send a card again, but don't feel you have to every time. As you and others say, you have expressed thanks quite sufficiently and politely. You can rest assured knowing you have been appreciative and polite. It is they who are rude.

ample · 20/09/2016 19:33

Start as you mean to go on.
Don't send her a card, you have thanked her enough.
How long have you known her?
I think you are making a rod for your own back if you start pandering now.

Thank you cards are (imo) for special occasion gifts, good deeds done or when the gift-giver lives some distance away and present is sent instead of hand delivered in person.
It's not as if she gave you a kidney ...but that's just my take on it

cozietoesie · 20/09/2016 19:40

Goodness help any family youngsters with her attitude. I'd love to see her dealing with a bunch of surly teenagers.

Bluechip · 20/09/2016 19:41

Definitely time to go passive aggressive. Email back saying 'I feel utterly terrible that MIL is upset. I'm so hurt and so upset now as I thanked MIL in person and told her how much I appreciated the gift and hoped that you would also share my email of thanks with her. Please don't spend your money on gifts for me in future as its really distressing to know you feel I haven't been grateful enough to receive them. Thank you both once again for the wonderful present for my birthday'.

Hopefully they'll reply saying how upset MIL is that you are hurt, then you can reply again and keep it going forever until she sees how ridiculous she is

Cards are only for people who aren't there when you open the gift.

Oysterbabe · 20/09/2016 19:53

I have the same issue with MIL. She expects a thank you card for every gift. She buys a gift for DD about once a month so we send a thank you card about once a month. We just pick up a handful whenever we're in a card shop.

chocolateworshipper · 20/09/2016 19:53

email FIL and say you're so sorry to hear that your thank you card has not arrived. Say that you had been concerned whether it would be delivered safely as it was such a massive card.

Alternatively, email him saying that you are extremely upset that MIL has so little care for the environment that she still expects a physical card, and you had no idea that she was such a tree-hater.

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