MIL upset about lack of thank you card...

[allsfairinlove]

Actually DP and I aren't married yet but for convenience sake I'm calling her MIL.

It came about because she gave me a card and book for my birthday. Obviously I thanked her, gave her a hug and kiss, thanked her again saying goodbye and emailed FIL the same evening to say thank you (MIL doesn't use Internet or have email address).

This was a week ago. This afternoon I received a an email from FIL saying MIL was upset she hadn't received a card yet but that he was sure it was in the post.

Truth is I did forget as its been frantically busy at work and initially when I read FIL's email I was mortified. But now I'm a bit annoyed and don't want to send one at all because it seems to me a complete overreaction although I realise I'm probably being a bit petty.

This isn't the first time and it's probably my fault for making a rod for my own back as I've always send cards after it arose the first Christmas I met PILs and I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was, and that she was surprised as I had seemed "such a nice young lady". I should have just shrugged it off in hindsight but being a bit shy and lacking in confidence back then, I was embarrassed and felt terrible that I'd upset her.

Now though, her drama lama ways just irritate me.

My family don't expect thank you cards. And I was brought up thinking a call, text or email is fine.

DP says he gets stick too for not sending cards and that I should just ignore it because she'll only find something else to moan about.

I'm about to go to the supermarket now and can easily pick up a card.

So, to card or not to card?

Send the card but print out and enclose some recent photos. Then wait for HER thank you card .If it doesn't arrive you can have a field day lol

All the aggressive and passive aggressive responses on here are amusing ON HERE, but won't be helpful in real life!

The OP needs to maintain a relationship with her inlaws far into the future. There is absolutely no need for her to worsen the relationship she can be the grown up in all of this and respond firmly but graciously and take comfort from knowing she hasn't descended to MILs level.

In almost all of these kind of family issues, it is better to not get outwardly annoyed and sour the relationship, when it is one which needs to last.....and the OP clearly does want it to be positive.

So the response I gave a few comments up the thread, which was both clear that the OP would always say thanks for her be gifts and be appreciative, but choose how she did it, all said in a cheery, non-critical tone, makes the point clearly, the leaves the way for a friendly relationship open and doesn't rub MILs nose in the error of her nasty criticisms. Wouldn't this be both the mature, assertive and kind way forward?

send an e-card to FIL's email address explaining about your tiny carbon footprint - Jacquie Lawson ones are lovely, if you like that sort of thing she won't of course

I've gone through the thread and can't see that anyone's asked this yet.

Does SHE send thank you cards, even if she's thanked you in person? If she does, then clearly it's important to her and I'd send one. If she doesn't then she's a control freak hypocrite and I wouldn't.

(And I'm now taking bets on she does/she doesn't )

I would buy a pack of six or twelve identical thank you cards and send the same card everytime you are given a gift.

Surely she must though TheDevil. No one could be that lacking in self-awareness. My bet is she sends elaborate swift thank you notes at every opportunity.

Love that idea deste

I would absolutely not send a card. You thanked her more than adequately in person.

I would only send a thank you card if I had been unable to thank in person or via any other means (phone, text, email etc.).

Tell her that as you already thanked her there will be no card in the post.

Tempting as it would be to tell MIL/FIL to f*ck off -OP pls be reassured they are BU and you have done absolutely nothing at all wrong

But I think a better approach might just be to buy some really cheap thank you cards - like 60p from card warehouse or pack of 10 generic style cards for £1 and have them ready to send in future

If she ups the ante and becomes even more ridiculous then would become a bit more direct

But probably not worth a fall out on this occasion

ChocolateWombat Yes, I agree that a cheery but clear email is the way forward.

Does SHE send thank you cards, even if she's thanked you in person?

Yes, always. That's what makes it a tricky one. As a PP said upthread, letters and cards are her preferred methods of communication. She never sends texts (doesn't have her own mobile phone) and never uses internet.

She's mid 70s and doesn't like new technology. And her family of course want to make her feel comfortable and happy which is why I do try as much as possible to fit in to DP's family ways.

Just this time I forgot to send a card hence the chiding email from FIL.

DP gets exasperated though and wants us to be honest about our way of life too as he thinks it should be a two way street. He says he wants to drag his DM "kicking and screaming" (his words) into the 21st century because she might actually like the convenience of it if she only give it a chance. And gets frustrated that his DM is her own worst enemy at alienating herself which is her biggest upset in life, that she feels people even her own family only ever tolerate her and she has never been popular.

I hate cards.
I trek all the way to town to choose some trite shite.
I get to queue for 42 minutes in the post office to get a book of stamps thrown at me in disgust.
They get left around the house.
I then forget to write/post them.
I find them too late and then feel guilt.
Get more guilt-tripping when I receive a card.
Get a paper cut opening the bastard envelope.
They then collect dust on a shelf in the lounge.
Gah, I hate cards, the fuckers!

I was brought up to send thank you cards or letters to people if I wasn't going to see them in person for a while, so that they knew I had received and appreciated their gift. If you've seen the person and thanked them at that time, there is no need to thank them again by post.
Don't give in about this for a quiet life, she's being ridiculous. How many thank yous does she need, for gods sake?

Store a stash of thank you cards, write one beore your birthday or Christmas. You can hand it over when she gives you the gift.

Here is an idea for you - tell her that you're cutting down on unnecessary cards and post in an effort to be ecologically minded. You know they use a lot of electricity to sort the letters in the sorting office and what about all of that petrol/diesel they use to get around to deliver your post...well, you're doing your bit for the environment there by not sending a card. You'll send Christmas cards but only e-cards
See how that floats

Even debretts says "Nowadays, however, email is generally acceptable for brief and informal thank yous."

www.debretts.com/expertise/etiquette/correspondence/letters-and-cards/

I'm going against the general mood here (and everyone else's suggestions were much more amusing than mine) but I would send it and I would send one promptly every time I got a gift from her from now on.

Some older people are just funny about thank yous. Some MILs are funny about any/everything but you are going to be family and this isn't something I'd bother butting heads over. Time enough for that later - and by sending it you deprive her of the satisfaction of going around with a cat's bum face muttering that you have no manners. She will be taking up residence on the moral high ground right now and I wouldn't let her have it. Kill her with kindness - it will make your life (& your future husband's) easier in the long run.

your DH is right, she'll only move onto something else. What is it with
'that' generation and thank you cards anyway.

Reminds me of when we got married and my MIL gave me the names and addresses of all her friends and distant relations so I could send them birthday and christmas cards.....which I stupidly obliged .

Send her one of those comedy HUGE cards you get as a thank you if you want to make a point otherwise just go with the oh no I thought I had posted it (if you are going to continue the sending ty cards)

My MIL is the same, also complained that I didn't send her friends photos and detailed updates about lo in the thank you cards for birthdays etc, they will get a card only and if i could automate the process I would!

Just send her a thank you card stuffed with glitter and confetti, she gets her thank you, you get a little smug pleasure in annoying her and she might actually stop wanting them if she has to hoover after each one

I'd send one because it's clearly important to her, but I think it's idiotic.

Would be tempted to send her husband an email a week later expressing your confidence that the thanks-for-the-thanks-card is in the post.

Ooh, send FiL the Debrett's link.

I do agree about the reluctance to use technology. I know my DM would absolutely love the internet if she'd only put her mind to it she'd never be off Mail Online, and we all know that it really isn't that difficult. But she categorically refuses.

It was more impolite of her to admonish you that she hadn't received a thank you card the very first time.

Thank you cards are, as pp have said, are used when you haven't been able to thank someone in person.

Buy her a book on etiquette for Christmas!

You thanked her in person. No need to send a card as well. Sheesh. Drama!

I'm from a very posh family (I have a title). I have been brought up to write a note to thank for presents, however, there are exclusions to this. Email is generally accepted although not as nice as a sufficient thank you response. If we are together when the gift is given, I wouldn't send a letter to my mother or siblings. I would never send a card. Your MIL is overreacting, however, technically she's right. BUT, it is the height of bad manners to point out other people's bad manners. You merely lead by example rather than direction. I think the email was enough for a book, unless it's a first edition Jane Austen or the like .