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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL upset about lack of thank you card...

162 replies

allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:11

Actually DP and I aren't married yet but for convenience sake I'm calling her MIL.

It came about because she gave me a card and book for my birthday. Obviously I thanked her, gave her a hug and kiss, thanked her again saying goodbye and emailed FIL the same evening to say thank you (MIL doesn't use Internet or have email address).

This was a week ago. This afternoon I received a an email from FIL saying MIL was upset she hadn't received a card yet but that he was sure it was in the post.

Truth is I did forget as its been frantically busy at work and initially when I read FIL's email I was mortified. But now I'm a bit annoyed and don't want to send one at all because it seems to me a complete overreaction although I realise I'm probably being a bit petty.

This isn't the first time and it's probably my fault for making a rod for my own back as I've always send cards after it arose the first Christmas I met PILs and I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was, and that she was surprised as I had seemed "such a nice young lady". I should have just shrugged it off in hindsight but being a bit shy and lacking in confidence back then, I was embarrassed and felt terrible that I'd upset her.

Now though, her drama lama ways just irritate me.

My family don't expect thank you cards. And I was brought up thinking a call, text or email is fine.

DP says he gets stick too for not sending cards and that I should just ignore it because she'll only find something else to moan about. Grin

I'm about to go to the supermarket now and can easily pick up a card.

So, to card or not to card?

OP posts:
Budgiebonbon · 20/09/2016 17:53

Send her a great big A4 sized thank you card and then ask for a thank you receipt.

EweAreHere · 20/09/2016 17:53

You thanked her in person. And you meant it! You hugged her, too!

No card is necessary if she has been thanked. Even the email to FIL wasn't necessary, just a nice thing you did.

MIL is unreasonable and ridiculous and I wouldn't send a card. If she mentions it, I would just point out calmly that you did say thank you to her. And then ask her if she's been having other issues with her memory lately, because you're a bit concerned for her well-being.

Grin
Original poster
allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:56

That year I bought her a set of thank you cards and posh pens for her birthday.

This has reminded me of the very first xmas present I got from MIL... it was a set of thank you cards!!! ShockShockShock

OP posts:
SpookyPotato · 20/09/2016 17:56

She is being so dramatic and over the top. You have thanked her three times! Don't give in to her sulk or this will be it for the rest of your days..

quirkychick · 20/09/2016 17:56

Yy, thank you cards are for people you haven't thanked in person.

I had something similar from mil, too, when I was first with dp. I got given a birthday present in person, thanked her and later got asked if I'd received the present as I hadn't sent her a thank you card. Erm, yes you gave it to me and I thanked you. Start as you mean to go on.

Some people are weird with manners. It is actually very poor manners to insist someone thanks you again.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/09/2016 17:56

The possibilities are endless for fun at her expense!

I'd go with just ignore though Grin

Original poster
allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:59

The possibilities are endless for fun at her expense!

Yes, and some of the suggestions here are very tempting.... Grin

However, I think I'll go with just ignore too and in future just stick to thanking in person. No follow up.

OP posts:
2kids2dogsnosense · 20/09/2016 18:02

Paradise

That is the most EVIL thing I've ever heard of.

Hehehehehehehehehehehe Grin

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2016 18:02

I agree with everyone who says not to send a card, and yet... And yet...

You didn't nip this in the bud, so an expectation has been created. A row over it will make you look a bit petty. I'd buy a stack of cards, address and stamp them then ping one off whenever relevant. Because she is, or will be, your MIL and falling out with her at this early stage is best avoided.

I don't imagine that, as time goes on, this will be the only unreasonable demand your MIL will make. Some will likely be far more important. So pick your battles. Save putting your foot down for when it matters.

WindPowerRanger · 20/09/2016 18:02

Ring MIL.
Be nice.
Tell her you do not send thank you cards to someone you have thanked in person.
This is conventional.
It is a habit you are not going to change.
Lots of love, bye.

This is the approach I have taken with my mother, who still wants to get a Christmas card from me even when she is actually spending Christmas with me, in my house.

zen1 · 20/09/2016 18:06

Agree that a card is not necessary and that you should definitely stick to your guns about this and other ways you do things. She sounds like she could be a potential nightmare as a grandmother. From the way you've described her, it is easy to imagine her trying to 'advise' you of the correct way to bring up children and trying to undermine you etc

MicDropper · 20/09/2016 18:06

It's incredibly bad manners to ask for a thank you. I'd point that out.

hackmum · 20/09/2016 18:09

"I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was,"

I can't think of anything more ill-mannered than sending a letter to someone telling them how lacking in manners they are.

CocktailQueen · 20/09/2016 18:10

... as I've always send cards after it arose the first Christmas I met PILs and I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was, and that she was surprised as I had seemed "such a nice young lady".

This ^ is the height of rudeness. you don't wrote to someone to tell them they're rude for not sending a thank you! That's even ruder than not writing a thank you ;-)

But if you thanked her at the time, that is perfectly fine. Writing thank yous is often for when you haven't thanked someone in person.

I wouldn't buy a card. And I'd tell her why. She can't have much to worry about if she gets het up by this Hmm

CocktailQueen · 20/09/2016 18:11

Snap, Hackmum!

Koan · 20/09/2016 18:12

Haha slow typing. Just seen all the xposts and apart from being unanimous a lot of us have even used the same word: pander. Well done for not getting the card even before you saw the verdict btw! Stay strong!

This passive aggressive shit has to go - and luckily seems to be dying a death, with each generation, my DC's are right on it if I slip up with any PA stuff I picked up from my female lineage.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/09/2016 18:14

This has reminded me of the very first xmas present I got from MIL... it was a set of thank you cards!!! Shock Shock Shock

I would dig my heels in and reply to FIL you gave ample thanks both in person and by email afterwards so you were sure you had expressed your thanks clearly. Your family never make a point of sending cards when the two parties have seen each other on the day so you prefer to stick with spontaneous thanks and you're going to let her know how you got on with the book when you have had the chance to read it.

I used to be unimpressed by texted thanks but even I accept now it's the 21st century.

NataliaOsipova · 20/09/2016 18:15

I always thought it was bad manners to draw attention to other people's bad manners.

It is! Very!

I am somewhat old fashioned and - at least within my social circle - the queen of the thank you card. But I would not have sent one in those circumstances (ie where I had thanked the recipient profusely at the time) unless it was an incredibly generous or thoughtful gift where I felt further comment was necessary. A card and a book? Nah. And to get your FIL to ring up? Daft woman.

tofutti · 20/09/2016 18:15

Is your MIL Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/09/2016 18:16

hackmum :
I can't think of anything more ill-mannered than sending a letter to someone telling them how lacking in manners they are hear hear!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/09/2016 18:20

I would give her a quick, and jolly phone call, along the lines of, "Hi MIL, sorry to hear that you were expecting a thank you card, I thanked you profusely, in person, have you forgotten ? Never mind, anyway, must dash, lots of love, Bye !

hesterton · 20/09/2016 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinoTime · 20/09/2016 18:33

Some people have too much time on their hands. You've already thanked her. Ignore her, OP.

TaliDiNozzo · 20/09/2016 18:36

Oh she's ridiculous isn't she? Trouble is, you've started a precedent so she has an expectation.

I would just point out to her that as you had thanked her in person, the thank you card was redundant (pretty sure that's correct wrt etiquette as well).

Koan · 20/09/2016 18:37

I love all the ideas here.

Agree with pps who say that the email needs a response. Can't decide if that should be email to him or phone call to her? The intended outcome either way, is to show clearly you wont be manipulated by their combined behaviour and that MIL wont get anywhere by sending messages via a third party (or hiding behind them).

Imo the present / card is a red herring, just a vehicle for her to gain leverage wrt to the actual agenda: to make you 'wrong', to assert a moral high ground on her terms.

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