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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset about lack of thank you card...

162 replies

allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:11

Actually DP and I aren't married yet but for convenience sake I'm calling her MIL.

It came about because she gave me a card and book for my birthday. Obviously I thanked her, gave her a hug and kiss, thanked her again saying goodbye and emailed FIL the same evening to say thank you (MIL doesn't use Internet or have email address).

This was a week ago. This afternoon I received a an email from FIL saying MIL was upset she hadn't received a card yet but that he was sure it was in the post.

Truth is I did forget as its been frantically busy at work and initially when I read FIL's email I was mortified. But now I'm a bit annoyed and don't want to send one at all because it seems to me a complete overreaction although I realise I'm probably being a bit petty.

This isn't the first time and it's probably my fault for making a rod for my own back as I've always send cards after it arose the first Christmas I met PILs and I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was, and that she was surprised as I had seemed "such a nice young lady". I should have just shrugged it off in hindsight but being a bit shy and lacking in confidence back then, I was embarrassed and felt terrible that I'd upset her.

Now though, her drama lama ways just irritate me.

My family don't expect thank you cards. And I was brought up thinking a call, text or email is fine.

DP says he gets stick too for not sending cards and that I should just ignore it because she'll only find something else to moan about. Grin

I'm about to go to the supermarket now and can easily pick up a card.

So, to card or not to card?

OP posts:
Cguk81 · 21/09/2016 14:18

If this is the only issue that she is a bit uppity about then I would send her one. Like you say, she doesn't use Internet or email so getting a card is probably quite special for her and she will value the communication. If however she is a domineering ball ache in most other areas too then I wouldn't card.

paranormalish · 21/09/2016 14:28

Without Ladies the card industry would vanish overnight. Wink

var12 · 21/09/2016 14:31

I bet the book wasn't worth this trouble. Could you let her know that you are extremely disappointed in and upset by her stance, and that you had hoped that being thanked in person would have been taken as a sincere sign of your gratitude.

Maybe add that much as you appreciate the thought and intention behind the gifts, and as much as you like the gifts themselves, you would prefer not to risk being spoken to in such a way again, so if you have to choose, then you choose to not receive any further gifts?

If she says again that you are badly brought up, say that if she thinks that, then that is fine, but in your family, there is an understanding that gifts are given in hope that they will make the receiver happy but without expectation of something in return for the sender.

Or just send her the card and think how you might draw a line in the sand later when things have calmed down.

AceVtura · 21/09/2016 14:32

I would push a single small card (think business card size and style) with just "Ta love" written on it through her door.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2016 14:36

She gave you a book and you acknowledged the gift in person and over email. Just because written mail is her preferred method of communication, it doesn't have to be everyone else's. Now were it a diamond studded bracelet......

var12 · 21/09/2016 14:38

The poster who said that pointing out someone else's bad manners is the height of bad manners is right. The point of good manners is not to make others feel ill at ease and your MIL is doing that to you in spades right now. Pot - kettle etc.

Toyslayer · 21/09/2016 14:50

Send a letter.

Please find enclosed requested thank you card.

Don't write anything in the card.

Regards. (No kind)
X

TickettyBoo · 21/09/2016 14:51

My husband's family "do" cards - my side of the family just say thank you by phone, face to face or messaging - cards are nice I guess but I do think unnecessary when you've thanked in a different way already!!! Bloody tedious! Lol

whiteappleton · 21/09/2016 15:32

DM is her own worst enemy at alienating herself which is her biggest upset in life, that she feels people even her own family only ever tolerate her and she has never been popular.

If it wasn't the card it probably would have been something else at some point near in the future. Those that go looking for things to get upset by (consciously or not) will usually find them. Bit of a pain for you and anyone else that gets caught up in it though.

Madbengalmum · 21/09/2016 15:37

My now NC MIL was just like this.
I am aware of the etiquette surrounding thankyou cards, but was always taught that they were for more removed family members and friends let us say. Certainly not nearest and dearest. Very dickensian IMHO.
One of the man y,many reasons i am sooo pleased i never have to speak to the old cow again!

Thissideof40 · 21/09/2016 16:25

I never did thank you cards until I met OH. Not so much for me but the kids. OH's SIL set the trend of sending thank you cards from their kids and if our kids or other family kids didn't do it it was frowned upon. The kids say thank you st the time of receiving which we make sure they do so for me that's enough thanks. If we receive a gift in the post we just make a phone call to thank. I don't have time to be faffing around with thank you cards. The person giving the kids always gets a thank you of some sort (to face/phone).

NotYoda · 21/09/2016 16:30

frizzfactor

I think that the OP should send a card with your post copied and enclosed

Assure her that A Bona Fide Posh Person On MN Has Spoken and she's in the wrong Grin

HenRah · 21/09/2016 16:34

Don't give to receive I was taught !

I'm 33 I bet this woman is older and knows this too.

Also, depending on how much you like him .... Does she need to end up the MILWink

MermaidTears · 21/09/2016 16:48

If you have kids...she will be a fucking nightmare

Optimist3 · 21/09/2016 17:13

Email a thankyou to FIL saying that you've already thanked mil twice in person already. You've had a very busy week but will happily write a third thankyou when you get a moment.

Optimist3 · 21/09/2016 17:16

Next time she gives you anything say 'I'll officially thankyou now in person as its so busy this month and I won't have time to send out cards'

CruCru · 21/09/2016 19:22

I actually find this incredibly disturbing. I think the thank you card is a red herring. This woman has learned that sending you an unpleasant letter when you do something she does't like (or getting her husband to do so on her behalf) is an okay thing to do.

Are you completely certain that you want to marry into this family? I know that thank you cards are a relatively minor issue but, should you have children, this may continue over plenty of other things. Are you going to get horrible letters if you decide against naming your son Adam / Arnold / Albert after her father?

Sending a lengthy letter to tell someone that they are rude is a terrible thing to do. And it seems that it is considered normal in this family.

It is worth bearing in mind that pretty much all families have traditions / customs that are quite alien to anyone marrying in. It is unlikely that the thank you letters is the only one.

Some of the suggestions on here are really funny but also have an element of "teaching her a lesson". I don't think that it is up to you to teach this woman a lesson - similarly, it is certainly not up to her to teach you one. After all, if she is in her seventies, I should think you are at least in your thirties or forties.

I would be tempted to arrange to meet her for a coffee and talk about this like grown ups. A woman in her seventies is not a relic from the Victorian era and it should be possible to be reasonably assertive with her - tell her that you don't want to get any more letters or emails correcting your behaviour. You have always been taught that it is not necessary to send a thank you card if you have thanked someone in person.

CruCru · 21/09/2016 19:23

Sorry, it was a bit of an essay.

frenchielala · 21/09/2016 19:31

Just sent it. Pick your battles - no need for this to be one of them. Keep the Royal Mail in business!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/09/2016 20:04

I agree with Monkey. Send the card and send one every time she gives you anything. If she's going to be your MIL there will be bigger battles to fight. Save your ammunition for later.

My DM is 89 and she emails. My DD does all his banking online. 70 is no age. Perhaps you could email FIL asking whether, rather than a run-of-the-mill card, you could give her a far better thank you by giving her lessons on how to use email? You could say that it's daft FIL has to communicate on her behalf (though you're surprised she didn't call you direct) and it would be lovely if the pair of you could communicate directly.

This strategy has the added benefit of cutting her off if, at some later date, she tries to say that emailing about stuff "excludes" her. She sounds the type to be picky about everything and anything. "Goodness," you cry, amazed. "Don't you remember I offered to teach you?"

MerylPeril · 21/09/2016 22:10

It might not be about the card, it might be her asserting her authority a little.
My late MIL definitely wanted some degree of control over me and that I would do things 'her way' and make the same choices etc
I never did though! Wonder why I wasn't popular.

thatsn0tmyname · 21/09/2016 22:13

I haven't written a thank you card since I was about 12. I always send cards from the children. MIL needs to get a grip. You sounded perfectly polite at the time of receiving the gift.

dansmum · 21/09/2016 22:24

Don't even start. MIL used to INSIST on a handwritten thankyou for xmas gifts for my children, even when she had been there when they opened then, or they had thanked her on the phone, or sent her a personalised email.
As DS is dylexic and writing anything AT ALL is a huge trauma, I just told her one year it was unfair to insist. It was cruel, especially as not ONE of her other GK's ever bothered. I told her we always make sure they give their thanks in person or by email...and that was how our family would do it. in future

She sulked a bit, but I care not one jot. I know my kids have thanked the people for their gifts, which is correct and polite. It is not the perogative of the giver to insist on the format of response.

hoofwankingbunglecunt · 21/09/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NataliaOsipova · 21/09/2016 22:47

I say this as an inveterate card writer - it's the sentiment, not the format, that matters! The point of the thank you card is to acknowledge that you have received the gift and the thoughtfulness of the sender. This can also be done in person, over the phone or by text. Sometimes even via a third party - I sent some photos to a friend's mother. She is not a fluent English speaker. I had a text from my friend to say that her mother asked her to thank me and tell me that she was really pleased to have them. Equally, quite sufficient. Your MIL is being ridiculous. Apart from anything else, times change and means of communication evolve. It' should be about the fact of the communication and not the mode.