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Original poster

MIL upset about lack of thank you card...

162 replies

allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:11

Actually DP and I aren't married yet but for convenience sake I'm calling her MIL.

It came about because she gave me a card and book for my birthday. Obviously I thanked her, gave her a hug and kiss, thanked her again saying goodbye and emailed FIL the same evening to say thank you (MIL doesn't use Internet or have email address).

This was a week ago. This afternoon I received a an email from FIL saying MIL was upset she hadn't received a card yet but that he was sure it was in the post.

Truth is I did forget as its been frantically busy at work and initially when I read FIL's email I was mortified. But now I'm a bit annoyed and don't want to send one at all because it seems to me a complete overreaction although I realise I'm probably being a bit petty.

This isn't the first time and it's probably my fault for making a rod for my own back as I've always send cards after it arose the first Christmas I met PILs and I received a lengthy letter from MIL how rude and lacking in manners she thought it was, and that she was surprised as I had seemed "such a nice young lady". I should have just shrugged it off in hindsight but being a bit shy and lacking in confidence back then, I was embarrassed and felt terrible that I'd upset her.

Now though, her drama lama ways just irritate me.

My family don't expect thank you cards. And I was brought up thinking a call, text or email is fine.

DP says he gets stick too for not sending cards and that I should just ignore it because she'll only find something else to moan about. Grin

I'm about to go to the supermarket now and can easily pick up a card.

So, to card or not to card?

OP posts:
leccybill · 20/09/2016 17:32

Ridiculous.
And I wouldn't have entertained the letter about manners either.
Make sure your husband to be will be backing you up before you get married.

EdmundCleverClogs · 20/09/2016 17:33

Bloody thank you cards!! Waste of trees in this day and age (especially since you have actually thanked her anyway!). Cannot abide people who gift, then run home and wait by the letterbox for their special 'thank you' letter to arrive. What do you even do with such a thing? Put it up? Frame it? Stick it up in your front window? She's totally unreasonable, do not pander.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 20/09/2016 17:34

Email FiL back to say how puzzled you are as you have already thanked MiL three times. And leave it there. If he tries to say a thank you isn't valid unless it's on an overpriced piece of card sent through the post, send back the email equivalent of a tinkly laugh and compliment him on his joke.

Decorhate · 20/09/2016 17:36

Is she ancient? This is the sort of thing I used to get from aged aunt. Who once berated her nephew's wife for not sending thank-you cards for baby presents. The poor woman had PND.

JellyBelli · 20/09/2016 17:38

Your MIL is doing a Hyacinth Bucket and she gets away with it because everyone enables her.

I would either send back a straight email - 'I thanked her in person.'
Or make a stack of home made cards and make sure she gets one every time.

ijustwannadance · 20/09/2016 17:40

Get a cheap job lot of business cards printed with "Thank you so much" on. Everytime she gives you something, smile sweetly and hand her one.

In 20 years this issue won't exist as the last if that generation die off. Pointless waste of card/stamp/faux gushing emotion.

You also need to tell her that you will not be sending thank you cards in future. Especially when you have already said thank you to her directly!

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 20/09/2016 17:43

Send an email reminding about the thank yous in person. Add that instead of contributing to deforestation and increasing your carbon footprint, you've donated the cost of the card to Save the Forests.

mickeysminnie · 20/09/2016 17:44

Send her the card and buy a stack of them. Next time she gives you a present excuse yourself for a minute, write one of the other cards and hand it straight to her. 😉

Original poster
allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:44

Wow! Overwhelming no card then...

I've just come back from the supermarket, battery died just as I got to the card section so wasn't able to check the thread there...

But I didn't buy one!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:45

haha mickey, that made me chuckle!

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 20/09/2016 17:46

Send one card every day for the next 3 weeks. That'll do it Grin

Original poster
allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:46

Ooooh, Paradise tempting....

OP posts:
Cherylene · 20/09/2016 17:47

Maybe quit the hugging and kissing and just send a card Confused

My MIL would have been delighted with the hug and kiss, much better than a card any day Grin

I always thought it was bad manners to draw attention to other people's bad manners.

NotYoda · 20/09/2016 17:47

this is so bloody superficial and crap

if there were any way to more neatly alienate people and undermine the whole point of giving someone a gift it's to not be satisfied with the mode o of their thanks

i'd get a really sickly one and laugh inwardly

PrettyBlueDressForTheXmasBall · 20/09/2016 17:50

I would tell her how hurt you are by her ungrateful attitude to your three thank yous. That you always thought she had better manners than to be so unbelievably rude.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 20/09/2016 17:50

You could exercise particular care when looking for a card. One with a cow on the front, for example, might be nice.

Liiinoo · 20/09/2016 17:51

reply to FIL saying you have already thanked MIL xx times so think a card as well would be over the top. Don't get sucked into sending a card. It will be a rod for your own (and any future DCs) back if you have to send cards for every single gift. Like OPs have said, cards are for when you haven't been able to offer personal thanks. Or very occasionally for absolutely amazing gifts that require a little bit extra.

My own DM sends thank you cards for absolutely everything. Even the tiniest little gesture or token gift gets a thank you card by return mail. I HATE it. It seems to formalise what should be spontaneous acts of kindness and generosity within the family. Of course I don't say anything because I am only 55 so can't talk back to my mum!

Lorelei76 · 20/09/2016 17:51

no card
I bet she doesn't do email or internet because she disapproves and thinks people should still be sending letters?

I could excuse this if she is maybe 95 ish but my guess is she isn't?

Youarenotprepared · 20/09/2016 17:51

Do the business card thing!

Original poster
allsfairinlove · 20/09/2016 17:51

if there were any way to more neatly alienate people and undermine the whole point of giving someone a gift it's to not be satisfied with the mode o of their thanks

YY

Fortunately DP agrees with this thinking too and thinks his DM's issue with Thank You cards is bonkers...

OP posts:
Weedsnseeds1 · 20/09/2016 17:52

Just checked an etiquette forum for you. Thank you notes are for when the giver isn't there in person or for "group" events like weddings. Maybe cut letters from a newspaper for the thank you as she is holding you to ransom?

HyacinthFuckit · 20/09/2016 17:52

How utterly ridiculous. Don't pander to her. Your carbon footprint will thank you.

Koan · 20/09/2016 17:52

The communicating how she feels via email from FIL would be a great big red flag for me. Passive aggressive. Gifts from people like this end up feeling quite burdensome.

Yes thank you cards get forgotten these days - but this is not like all our nephews on both sides of family who have never ever acknowledged gifts in person or by card (and they're grown now), which used to feel strange for me, as I was brought up to write thank you letters and our DCs did when they were younger. This is a different category, OP, you have thanked her enough now, in today's style.

Don't set a precedent, or she'll escalate and if you have DCs they'll be harangued too. Gifts are not to be used to make people feel bad about themselves.

Actually, just reread your op and the FIL bit where he's 'sure it was in the post' is downright menacing imo. Please don't pander to this double act Smile

YabuDabbaDoo · 20/09/2016 17:52

My grandma used to do this and be really cruel and horrible about it to the point that I didn't look forward to my birthdays any longer.

That year I bought her a set of thank you cards and posh pens for her birthday. She couldn't say a word after that.

NotYoda · 20/09/2016 17:53

Love the various ideas on here