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AIBU?

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Original poster

About ever-rising hen weekend costs?

169 replies

myshinynewusername · 19/09/2016 22:09

I am going on a hen weekend next year. Its a weekend in a very swish house, which all the hens will be sharing. Its not cheap at all, especially when you factor in the cost of meals/drinks/nights out.

However, its now escalating more and more. They seem to have a new idea almost every week. They are getting beauticians to the house for pre-night-out treatments, they are having themed outfits everyday (which I will need to buy), and they want to go to a particular (expensive) restaurant one night. Now they are saying that they want to hire a naked chef/butler to come and cook for us one night.

Its all too much for me. There is also the cost of attending the wedding and the other hen event (a week abroad) to factor in. The other hens are getting very shirty with me for saying that its all becoming too expensive. They don't want to pay for 'my share' of what is already booked, but I am constantly being outvoted on new stuff that is being booked.

I adore the bride and this is all incredibly out of character for her (although a couple of things are 'surprises' for her). She is usually ultra considerate, the last one to do anything to upset others. I wonder whether the sister and other friends are driving it more than her. They are all very excited about it all, but I'm dreading it now.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable here?! I did agree at first, but not to all these extras that are being added on. The bride is a big part of my life and would be even if I fell out with her (long story), and I desperately don't want to fall out with her.

OP posts:
BabooshkaKate · 20/09/2016 17:09

I once had to back out of a hen do because the costs rose to a month's rent and I just couldn't put myself in a financially difficult position for the sake of a night away in Brighton. And I wasn't even invited to the wedding!

dinkystinky · 20/09/2016 17:40

Good grief OP - the hen weekend sounds extortionate. The done thing is to set a budget, communicate it to all when organising and stick to it - not add on loads and loads and loads of expensive extras.

Speak to the bride and tell her you cant afford it - its far enough away that they should be able to find another hen to take your place meaning no one loses out. Go do something fun/special which you both will enjoy with the bride, just you and her, to celebrate her impending nuptials - and avoid her crazy sister like the plague.

Lazyafternoon · 20/09/2016 18:04

I hope your chat with the bride goes well!

You are doing the right thing to raise it with her and tell you just can't afford it anymore. When you thought it was the original amount OK, but all the added extras (you will need to mention that there are few suprises and costs she doesn't know about but don't tell her what obviously!) have made it too expensive.

I would say give a figure which is your maximum budget and say you just can't afford anymore than that. If it's any more than that and your going to have the pull out. Mention that you feel a bit bullied and been theatened with still having to pay.

Unfortunately it's her choice who she asked to organise it so she will need to get involved if it's got out of hand.

MrsHathaway · 20/09/2016 19:04

If they can't afford to pay the OP's share of the things she's saying no to (eg 1/8 of a beautician or naked butler) then they have already reached their spending limit. Not bloody complicated.

Hen weekends have a habit of getting expensive even if you plan beautifully and have a great time, because oh well what's another glass of wine and bugger it let's get a taxi. So you absolutely mustn't stretch yourself - or anyone else in the party - before you even get there.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/09/2016 20:10

I wonder if the sister is pouring n the guilt/pressure to prevent you from quitting over the costs, because once one person has pulled out some of the others will feel empowered to do the same? In fact, I'd put money on it.

Original poster
myshinynewusername · 20/09/2016 21:11

Bride has asked if we can speak in the morning. She seemed friendly enough, just said she is getting an early night. Hopefully she is ok with me still.

I'll let you know how I get on tomorrow.

OP posts:
Eviecat83 · 20/09/2016 21:18

Please don't allow them to bully you this way! Tell the bride tomorrow and be sure to report back!

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/09/2016 21:23

Nothing wrong with exspensive hen do's of the total price is discussed before people confirm

This hen do keeps having extras so understandable you can't afford it

Siszilla 😂 Sounds awful. Brodie's happiness isn't 2 hen do's - it should be having her friends there and her wedding day to the man she loves

What the total cost so far? What was it meant to be?

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/09/2016 21:24

Awful typos 😳😳😳😳

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2016 21:25

The brides response will tell you whether she is a good friend or not. A goid friend would be mortified and not want their friend to make themselves bankrupt over their hen weekend.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 20/09/2016 22:16

I'm placemarking because I genuinely feel for you and want to know this ends well for you. My best friend did this-hen parties abroad, at home and an additional meal out and then was furious when I wouldn't fork out to go to the races for her birthday a week After she got back from honeymoon Hmm

MidniteScribbler · 20/09/2016 23:37

Naked chef? Ewwwww. I don't want some guys wang flapping around uncovered near my food.

QueenLizIII · 21/09/2016 01:11

Organised fun never is fun.

If I was going to have a hen do, I'd choose cocktail and dinner.

Isnt the poor naked chef at risk of burning his wang if he drops something.

nursepearl · 21/09/2016 02:55

It all sounds a nightmare, these things are now so completely over the top, so much pressure for people to join in. My hen night was a meal out at a Chinese restaurant followed by a few drinks at the club next door. We all had a great time and the whole point was to have a girls night out, not bankrupt all my friendsConfused I think I would have to pull out and be honest about the reason. Any decent friend would understand why - hopefully!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/09/2016 04:53

These things have got completely out of hand and IMO the more people pull out of them, or decline from the outset unless it's just the one night, the more it will become unacceptable to expect it.

Even if anyone can afford hundreds of pounds, then unless they're very well off, most people will have better uses for that money. Just attending a wedding can cost a fair bit, what with travel and accommodation, if they are necessary.

Chinnygirl · 21/09/2016 05:16

Best hen do I went to was a high tea, cost 20, was three hours and we had a great time.

I would never do something so expensive. Just talk to the bride, if she is your friend she will understand. Then email the rest that you are pulling out because you can't afford it. Don't take their calls.

SmallBee · 21/09/2016 05:56

Wow that sister sounds like an arsehole. Can you total up the costs so far and tell her exactly how much your rent/groceries / stuff for the kids cost so she has a better understanding of what she's asking you to sacrifice?
I find that people who have money rarely understand the view of those who are struggling. But if you're able to say ' I can't afford that because it's essentially choosing between this hen weekend and three months rent ' it helps put things into perspective.

Good luck with the bride, if she's as lovely as you say then she should understand.

ChickenSalad · 21/09/2016 06:05

If you pull out now you'll lose your deposit, but there is no way they can legally ask you to pay other costs especially when you didn't agree. Tell them to take a running jump. Explain to the bride without telling her about the activities. Catch up with her over dinner instead.

Lunar1 · 21/09/2016 06:13

Absolute madness! I went for a meal with friends for mine. Thankfully all the staff in the restaurant were dressed.

Starryeyed16 · 21/09/2016 07:33

It does seem to be an regular occurrence that people have multiple hen dos my friend was BM for the bride who had 5 in the end she opted out of most and my ex's DW had about 4 big ones one to London, a spa day, Edinburgh and somewhere else complete with activities just seems over kill. I went to Edinburgh had one night out and costed 40 for travel and hotel ( was done in advance) there was an activity arranged by the hens but it was optional and some opted out of it. Can't believe these girls are acting this way!

Missrubyring · 21/09/2016 09:53

Just recently engaged and this thread has been very useful on what NOT to do for a Hen party Grin
Have you spoken to the bride this morning OP??

brodchengretchen · 21/09/2016 12:51

Why does having a good time require spending £100's? Is a hangover from hell and a few snaps of some poor butler's arse really worth it in the scheme of things?

IMO a rather sad side effect of all this self gratification is that there is less money to put into the forthcoming marriage itself, like towards a deposit on a place to live, things for DC or family trips.

OracleofDelphi · 21/09/2016 13:38

Have you spoken to the Bride this morning yet OP?

MerylPeril · 21/09/2016 13:50

God I hate hen dos

I had to pull out of one from uni friend. It was 250 miles away but I got a REALLY cheap train ticket.
I was told by brides sister what the price would be for the do (I thought it was hotel, activity and food, so just drinks to cover)

Then emails started arriving - I would have to pay for a single room supplement as there was an uneven number of people.....
Dinner wasn't included.....
Neither was the activity.....
And I had to buy all this stuff to bring.....

I had a badly paid job in the north, they were all on high London wages in finance.

I had to pull out and got a total guilt making email. Lost money on my train ticket

Get to wedding, everyone else I might have know had also pulled out and had gotten the same guilt trip. Turned out only people who went were her work colleagues - no one from uni, no one from school (apart from sister) as no one could afford it and the drip feeding of costs had pissed everyone off.

Waste of time....

Bobochic · 21/09/2016 13:55

There is a culture of excessive celebration surrounding life rituals. Weddings are one. I am totally out-Bar Mitzvahed at the moment. Three x synagogue (several hours each time, each requiring a different outfit) plus a major party in a nightclub (another outfit) plus massive present, plus hairdresser, manicure, pedicure. Every single week? I've had it!!!

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