About ever-rising hen weekend costs?

[myshinynewusername]

I am going on a hen weekend next year. Its a weekend in a very swish house, which all the hens will be sharing. Its not cheap at all, especially when you factor in the cost of meals/drinks/nights out.

However, its now escalating more and more. They seem to have a new idea almost every week. They are getting beauticians to the house for pre-night-out treatments, they are having themed outfits everyday (which I will need to buy), and they want to go to a particular (expensive) restaurant one night. Now they are saying that they want to hire a naked chef/butler to come and cook for us one night.

Its all too much for me. There is also the cost of attending the wedding and the other hen event (a week abroad) to factor in. The other hens are getting very shirty with me for saying that its all becoming too expensive. They don't want to pay for 'my share' of what is already booked, but I am constantly being outvoted on new stuff that is being booked.

I adore the bride and this is all incredibly out of character for her (although a couple of things are 'surprises' for her). She is usually ultra considerate, the last one to do anything to upset others. I wonder whether the sister and other friends are driving it more than her. They are all very excited about it all, but I'm dreading it now.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable here?! I did agree at first, but not to all these extras that are being added on. The bride is a big part of my life and would be even if I fell out with her (long story), and I desperately don't want to fall out with her.

Themed outfits every day is INSANE. Who has the money, time or energy??

I'd speak to the bride alone. If she's a friend she'll understand.

'Sister of bride also said that I would still have to pay up for my share of everything because I agreed to go on this weekend and its not fair on the other hens to have to cover me.'

I would pull out completely and tell this woman, 'No, I don't have to pay a share of any of this. I agreed to go on the weekend and paid deposits to that effect. I didn't agree to anything else so am under no obligation to pay for it. This weekend is now entirely beyond my means, hence, I feel it best for me to pull out, which I am doing now. I will not pay any further monies and am under no obligation to do so. Sorry it's come to this, but my means are limited.'

And CC the bride.

The brides sister sounds awful. How rude.

So if I'm reading this correctly, you're a single mum expected to fork out vast wads of cash. No no no. Definitely speak to the bride and explain the situation is getting out of hand. You don't have to go into details about the events planned.

The bride sounds like a great friend and hopefully she will understand you can't put yourself in debt for the next couple of years for a knees up in her honour. I'd be mortified if I thought anyone was depriving their dcs of something for me.

How thoroughly unpleasant, OP. You seem to be being mugged by the -henchwomen- organisers of this shindig. People who mean well do not try to coerce others using guilt-trip tactics, all of which are bollocks so far as you have reported.

If you lose your deposits you will haemorrhage much less money than the alternative, will you not?

I should tell 'em to FO, and as a pp has suggested take the bride out for a nice evening somewhere she likes, just the two of you. Better memories all round, surely?

Just read about the sister of the bride. She's behaving like a bully. Tell her not to try to guilt-trip you ('you can't put a price on bride's happiness at such a special time of her life') and that you know the bride has always been there for you; you are always there for her for emotional and practical support –this is not the same as spending money you just don't have.

Tell her you'll pay your share for everything you've agreed to. Nothing further. Full stop.

I happily lost my deposit after a similar situation last year. I was 'Out-Voted' at every step. When I sat back and added up cost of travel, hotel, food and activities......I realised the weekend was going to cost me in the region of £800 and I simply could not justify that amount!

Stay strong OP. Write to the Bride and say that you are very sorry,but as costs for the hen dos are now so much higher than originally planned, you can't afford to take part. If she is actually a friend, she will understand that

Yes I agree with everyone, just back out. Best hen weekends are a night in a champagne bar and a taxi home anyway. This sort of thing sounds like everyone trying much too hard.

Pull out - you agreed to [x] and now the costs are [x+LOADS] and you can't afford it. The deposit is a sunk cost so shouldn't influence your decision making.

Sister sounds like a right cow.

Msg the bride and say you are really sorry to pull out of her hen do but the costs were spiraling out of control and you couldn't afford to go - please can you take her out for a meal just the two of you to celebrate instead?

you can't put a price on bride's happiness at such a special time of her life'

super, so you'll cover my cost then? Lovely :-)

Ooooffff you poor thing! Thats terrible and her sister is a right cow for saying that you owe it to the bride. Be strong ith this OP as even if you go now, they will probably have decided you are there to put a downer on it and it will make it awkward.

when is Hen do?

If it is in 3 weeks then yes you may well have to pay your share of the accommodation. But as others have said, if you dont have your nails done etc then there is nothing to pay.

They are being totally unreasonable. If you pull out it will cost them more - but look at how she reacted to that fact? Trying to guilt trip you. So it seems they arent happy to pay more - so why do they think you are happy to pay more than agreed?

it really is totally ridiculous. I think you should email the sister back and tell her that you agreed it would be £xx - it isnt its now £yy and its not that you dont want to come - you simply dont have the money to come.

Say to her that her previous reponse has left you no choice but to pull out entirely and tell the bride why.

They are trying to emotionally blackmail you and make you feel guilty - which if the bride is as nice as you say she is - will be mortifying to her.

However - you only have to read MN to see how Odd people get about their weddings so I think you have to be prepared for her not reacting the way you think as well.....

The only thing is that she has to spend a week on holiday with these people, as well as the weekend, and a frosty atmosphere will be horrible. So really op, it's up to you to decide the best course of action. Of course you should make a stand and say no, but if the reality of that is two spoilt trips because you've committed to paying most of the costs already, then it might be better to suck it up and pay the extra.

Only you know the people involved. Maybe talking to the bride will help, maybe the others are all nice and you'll still have a good time with the others obviously not the sister if you say no to the extras, only you can decide based on the dynamics and personalities of the group.

Yanbu. Don't go.
I admit to having slight bridezilla tendencies when getting married but I refused to let the hen do get bigger than a 24 hour thing in a big city.
Everyone came, it was great.

Well, the sister has left you no choice but to text the bride hasn't she? How much is this due to cost you right Now? How much did you budget? Just tell the bride these two things and offer to have a nice meal together before the wedding.

Could the visting beautician and naked chef be dependent on a minimum party size, hence why they are so keen for you to still contribute? Still makes it ridiculous, to pay for something that you don't want and haven't agreed to.

When I last went on a hen weekend, it was two nights away by train to another city, we only did the activities that everyone wanted to do, some of the things we did were free (museum visits, or just wander round and look at the sights) and we searched around to get everything on deals so we did 2 for 1 entry to an attraction, picked the train tickets based on when a very cheap deal was on, stayed in an apartment and got a M&S Dine in deal for one of the evenings and only ate out on the other night in a very nice but not expensive restaurant and got a deal for afternoon tea on Groupon, so it wasn't that expensive overall, but still probably cost a couple of hundred each for the weekend.

Back out now. Lose the deposits. Going is madness.

Back out now. As for her sister - tell her "great, so you can cover my share then since you are so concerned by the bride's happiness".

This is just insane. A hen weekend and a hen week? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! That is outrageous.

I have texted the bride and asked if I can call her when she finishes work later. I feel bad because her career involves long hours and I know she is usually knackered when she gets home, but I am going to have to speak to her in case the sister starts causing a fuss about all this.

I don't know when final payments are due, this weekend is next spring, but everything seems to require deposits - even the restaurant booking!

The beauticians are a fixed price (the sister and other hens see this as a plus!) and you choose treatments from a menu. Naked chef is also a fixed menu chosen in advance. If there is a minimum party size then nobody has told me about it.

I must admit, I really am feeling upset about all of this. If it was almost anyone else's hen, I would have told them to stick it, but its different because its this particular friend.

Reply to the group

"Hi ladies.

I'm writing this to you all with a heavy heart.

I've tried to manage the escalating cost of the upcoming Hen Weekend but it has grown out of all workable proportion (unless you're Daddy Warbucks) so I'm letting you all know that I can no longer afford to go on the upcoming Hen Weekend and will not be there.

While this is by no means ideal for all involved, I have tried to budget accordingly and at this point I have tried everything in my power to find the necessary funds to continue my participation in this upcoming hen weekend away to no avail.

I extend my apologies to the bride who I know will be disappointed that I'm not going to be there for her. There is indeed a price to happiness and I just can't afford it at this time.

As I had agreed to attend Swanky Manor House, I will agree to cover the costs of accommodation that, unless you can arrange for someone else to attend in my place and thereby cover these costs I will not be able to use. All other costs unfortunately will have to be shared amongst the other attendees of the Hen Weekend.

Apologies to all and I hope to see you all again on the brides most special of days.

All the best,

MyShiny

I think it's a bit shit that you should still have to stump up for your share of the accommodation and stuff you did agree to do, as the only reason you now have to back out is that other people have taken it upon themselves to include too many unnecessary add-ons after you'd already agreed to go.

It's a bit like ordering something online at the advertised price, paying for it upfront, only to find the price goes up after you've placed your order, they won't allow you to back out and insist you either pay the new price or forfeit your money on the original order.

This is the point of deposit, if you don't go yes you lose the deposit but no you don't have to pay more.
If they are expecting you to pay full price then fuck them, that's ridiculous.

if it's next spring they've got time to find someone else to take your place. How much have you paid out and how much do you think it will cost total?

I'd tell them to get stuffed.

Where the he'll are all these women who can just dish out £££?

I'd tell the brides sister straight. I'm non confrontational but the sister and the whole hen is taking the piss.

2 hens, one being a week?!

I had a picnic, a little boat ride and then later went to eat at a restaurant and didn't even drink (was pregnant).

I felt bad people offering to pay £40 towards mine!

Where are all these brides happy for people to spend loads of money on them?

Maybe get a naked chef who also does beauty treatments to keep the costs down?

I'd FB the sister back to this one "She said that you can't put a price on bride's happiness at such a special time of her life." and say yes you can its £XXX for the hen weekend and £XXXX for the hen week.

Tell her you love and respect the bride but you simply cannot afford this amount of money. Ask her what activities are not dependent on numbers and back out of those straight away. If you've paid a deposit for any of those then see if you can get a refund.

For the accommodation I'm a bit torn. It's a set price for everyone and it's a bit unfair to back out of that and leave the others to pay the difference, therefore whatever happens I think you're duty bound to pay your share of that (although I'm sure others will disagree).

When you talk to the B2B try to be very positive. Everyone here is acting with good intentions, unfortunately they haven't considered others budgets. Say how much you want to be there, but simply can't afford all the extras.

I hope it goes well for you.

FUCK offering to pay for your accommodation! You lose the deposit, that's it.