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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About ever-rising hen weekend costs?

169 replies

myshinynewusername · 19/09/2016 22:09

I am going on a hen weekend next year. Its a weekend in a very swish house, which all the hens will be sharing. Its not cheap at all, especially when you factor in the cost of meals/drinks/nights out.

However, its now escalating more and more. They seem to have a new idea almost every week. They are getting beauticians to the house for pre-night-out treatments, they are having themed outfits everyday (which I will need to buy), and they want to go to a particular (expensive) restaurant one night. Now they are saying that they want to hire a naked chef/butler to come and cook for us one night.

Its all too much for me. There is also the cost of attending the wedding and the other hen event (a week abroad) to factor in. The other hens are getting very shirty with me for saying that its all becoming too expensive. They don't want to pay for 'my share' of what is already booked, but I am constantly being outvoted on new stuff that is being booked.

I adore the bride and this is all incredibly out of character for her (although a couple of things are 'surprises' for her). She is usually ultra considerate, the last one to do anything to upset others. I wonder whether the sister and other friends are driving it more than her. They are all very excited about it all, but I'm dreading it now.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable here?! I did agree at first, but not to all these extras that are being added on. The bride is a big part of my life and would be even if I fell out with her (long story), and I desperately don't want to fall out with her.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 19/09/2016 23:05

Can you speak directly to the bride and say you are happy to celebrate her but you cant a hen weekend, a hen week and a wedding?

Jesus for the cost and time of those two hen events I would want somewhere tropical for 2 weeks on a long holiday.

She is only getting married. People do that every day.

Original poster
myshinynewusername · 19/09/2016 23:06

I have paid a few deposits and it looks like I will be held to the full costs of everything already booked whether I attend or not.

Bride knows about most of it, but not all. That's another thing, I'm worried about having to reveal that there are surprises if I talk to her. I can't really explain the true extent of the problem without mentioning the surprises.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 19/09/2016 23:08

Looks like? But you are not certain. Can you find out as losing the deposit would be preferable to paying the lot if you can avoid it.

The bride already knows most of it and as for surprises, she is a grown woman, about to be married. She isnt 5 years old. Just talk to her.

MiddleClassProblem · 19/09/2016 23:11

You can be vague about the extra expenses. But I don't understand why these women won't listen to you. Are you saying something like "I genuinely can't afford it"

Original poster
myshinynewusername · 19/09/2016 23:12

They have said that they don't want to pay for my share of things (if I didn't pay), but haven't specifically said that they won't.

I might try the sister first and then talk to bride as a last resort if I get nowhere with sister?

OP posts:
MyPeriodFeatures · 19/09/2016 23:12

Themes outfits? Beauticians? Wtaf ? Is this a thing??

MiddleClassProblem · 19/09/2016 23:14

It's shit. Normally you go in saying this is our budget in or out not keep mounting on top.

QueenLizIII · 19/09/2016 23:14

Her sister will prob shoot you down for ruining the brides big days. Well one big day one weekend and one week.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 19/09/2016 23:14

I think they are vile self-indulgent wastes of money. More than half the people there will be bitter about the cost.

Teddy1970 · 19/09/2016 23:17

Can you add up what this whole debacle is going to cost you and speak to the Bride or sister and tell them it's just far too much? You're not made of bloody money!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 19/09/2016 23:20

It's very unlikely you are the only one having misgivings about this with the escalating costs, have you spoken to the whole group attending or just the "organisers"? Either way I agree with PPs - you need to either speak to the bride or tell the group quite clearly what you will and won't contribute to.

To be honest I'd probably just back out. Mind you I wouldn't be a bit surprised if closer to the time a number of others also back out as the reality of the expense hits them...

Bogeyface · 19/09/2016 23:27

Are the hens covering the brides costs? It could be that the bride has no idea just how much this is costing and would be horrified about how much you are having to spend.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 23:30

Oh honestly, what an absolute waste of money and a lack of taste. Why? Just why? It's too ridiculous.

bronteales · 19/09/2016 23:31

I had this issue with my dear friends hen weekend. It started off looking like s reasonable weekend and then it just got completely ott and in the end I had to drop out.

Basically the exact same situation to you because some of the events the bridesmaids have planned I can't even see the bride enjoying. Maybe it's a case of what they want over what the bride would like which is wrong.

I think that probably the best thing to do is to explain to one of the organisers that unfortunately the cost of the weekend is just too much for you to budget with al other commitments and so you will not be able to come. That's that then. Then maybe speak to the hen along the same lines without giving too much of what they have in store away.

It's not your fault I know exactly how you feel...

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 23:33

"She is only getting married. People do that every day."

Spot on.

Original poster
myshinynewusername · 19/09/2016 23:34

I actually don't know if bride's costs are being covered. I am just being given the amounts for 'my share' of things.

The bride must have a good idea at least of what things are costing, I think.

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 19/09/2016 23:34

have paid a few deposits and it looks like I will be held to the full costs of everything already booked whether I attend or not

Fuck that - held to the costs by whom? They are moving the goalposts, despite you voicing concerns. They can fuck themselves with expecting you to pay a penny more than you already have, and frankly I would demand your deposits back as it is not your fault you can no longer attend. Bunch of cunts.

jellybeans · 19/09/2016 23:42

I have never been to one and don't intend to. None of my friends have done this. Hen night has just been a night out. If I was invite I would decline. Due to both expense and not wanting to spend whole weekend anywhere, would rather spend time off with kids/family.

leanandgreen · 19/09/2016 23:48

YANBU - back out now! I recently went on one hen do where the bride had 3!!! It always ends up costing you a lot more than you plan for, in my experience. Remember you still have to buy a wedding gift and I assume an outfit etc. It all mounts up and As a previous poster mentioned, you could go on a luxury holiday for how much it's going to cost.
Remember, at the end of the day, she is marrying the person whom she loves - nothing else matters. Most importantly, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it - simple.

MidniteScribbler · 19/09/2016 23:52

What a load of crap. What happened to a hen's "night"? Not a bloody great week long extravaganza.

Italiangreyhound · 20/09/2016 00:05

YANBU.

Decide what you can afford and what you would like to go to. Even if you have already agreed to something and now feel that it has been spoiled by the escalating costs, just decide what you want to go to.

Then talk to the bride-to-be. Explain (without spoiling any surprises) that you simply cannot afford it and you will only be doing XYZ, or whatever.

Hopefully, the bride-to-be will understand. If she does not understand, she is not such a good friend, even if she will always be in your life.

Once the bride-to-be knows the situation, calmly explain to the other women what you will be doing. If there are complaints that you agreed to XYZ the i would say, I'm happy to do XYZ but nothing more, and these constant updates have ruined it.

Re "Now they are saying that they want to hire a naked chef/butler to come and cook for us one night." Naked chef, that sounds most unhygienic!

Bogeyface · 20/09/2016 00:05

Two hen events that I am guessing would run into 4four figures? No way would they be getting a gift from me!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/09/2016 00:12

Surely the beauty treatments and fancy meal can be just for those who want them?
Is this the first hen night they've been involved in? They sound like kids in a sweet shop Confused

ImissGrannyW · 20/09/2016 00:13

I'm guessing that the 'discussions' where you are being ignored are on some form of social media? If so, you need to change the platform. Talk to one or two of the key organisers (agree, bride's sister is a good one) and do it via a different medium - phone or in person.

State your position, state what you can and can't (and will and won't) afford. Maybe be prepared to drop out a lose some money if that's what it takes, but have a figure in your head which is your 'tops' and make sure people are aware that no matter what is organised, you won't be paying more.

And I think: "She is only getting married. People do that every day." is a bit mean about celebrating something very special with someone you love.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/09/2016 00:14

Actually I wonder if you sent a whole group message whether others would feel bold enough to say they dont want additional costs?