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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About ever-rising hen weekend costs?

169 replies

myshinynewusername · 19/09/2016 22:09

I am going on a hen weekend next year. Its a weekend in a very swish house, which all the hens will be sharing. Its not cheap at all, especially when you factor in the cost of meals/drinks/nights out.

However, its now escalating more and more. They seem to have a new idea almost every week. They are getting beauticians to the house for pre-night-out treatments, they are having themed outfits everyday (which I will need to buy), and they want to go to a particular (expensive) restaurant one night. Now they are saying that they want to hire a naked chef/butler to come and cook for us one night.

Its all too much for me. There is also the cost of attending the wedding and the other hen event (a week abroad) to factor in. The other hens are getting very shirty with me for saying that its all becoming too expensive. They don't want to pay for 'my share' of what is already booked, but I am constantly being outvoted on new stuff that is being booked.

I adore the bride and this is all incredibly out of character for her (although a couple of things are 'surprises' for her). She is usually ultra considerate, the last one to do anything to upset others. I wonder whether the sister and other friends are driving it more than her. They are all very excited about it all, but I'm dreading it now.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable here?! I did agree at first, but not to all these extras that are being added on. The bride is a big part of my life and would be even if I fell out with her (long story), and I desperately don't want to fall out with her.

OP posts:
NickyEds · 20/09/2016 13:05

YANBU. It all sounds lovely, expensive restaurant, naice house etc and for those rolling it it I'm sure it is lovely, but if you can't afford it then you can't. I'd have a word with the bride, you don't have to spoil any surprises just work out how much the whole weekend is going to cost in total and say " really hope you have a great time but I'd budgeted £X and now the costs have risen to £Y I just can't afford it". She might not even know and this way she will find out just how much this is setting everyone back. A friend of mine recently had a baby shower that I and several others declined to go to after her best friend asked for £30 each toward a joint present, everyone had to make specific decorations, specific food to bring...... just a total pita. My find had no idea until after the event.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2016 13:07

I would not go, it sounds like it will cost hundreds of ££££££. I would explain to your friend that you cannot afford it, but take her out for a meal or something together. That has to be cheaper than this hen weekend, sounds like its getting out of hand.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2016 13:10

I got married 12 years ago, and I organised my hen weekend, a Chinese buffet and a day trip to Alton Towers, people stayed at mine. Its gotten so out of hand now and ridiculous.

Barefootcontessa84 · 20/09/2016 13:17

These days hen dos are getting totally out of hand, and brides (or whoever is organising) assume hens have unlimited time and funds that they want to use on them. Of course you want the bride to have a nice time, but what happened to a simple night out? Cocktails and dancing - home before the next day... I can't stand being asked to go to these protracted events (which always seem very contrived) and so tend to avoid them. Weddings are already expensive to attend if you have to travel/potentially stay the night/buy a present/need an outfit - that is absolutely plenty already!

Original poster
myshinynewusername · 20/09/2016 14:12

I contacted the sister on facebook - we have a 'hen party group' and I have no other contact details for her.

I told her it was too expensive for me and I wanted to opt out of all these extras. It didn't go down well. :( She said that you can't put a price on bride's happiness at such a special time of her life.

She also pointed out that bride has always been there for me when I have needed her. This is true, bride was an absolute rock to me when my ExP left me for OW while our two DCs were tiny.

Sister of bride also said that I would still have to pay up for my share of everything because I agreed to go on this weekend and its not fair on the other hens to have to cover me.

OP posts:
ofshoes · 20/09/2016 14:12

Was discussing this with someone recently and we came to the same conclusion as leavemywings, that it's all just an excuse these days for people to live out their "celebrity lifestyle" fantasies. It's all so vapid and wasteful!

I'm also of the opinion that a wedding day is a pretty big celebration, no one really needs a whole swathe of "pay attention to me!" parties in the run up.

Bogeyface · 20/09/2016 14:15

Oh dear.

I think she has left you no choice but to talk to the bride, laying on the guilt is very unfair, would the bride really expect you to "pay back" the help she gave you by bankrupting yourself for her hen do?

guinnessgirl · 20/09/2016 14:22

Blimey. They are being really U. They can't MAKE you pay a penny more than you've already put in, OP. Don't go and don't give them any more money. What they are doing to you is pretty close to emotional blackmail. It's very nasty and, hard as it might be, I really think you would do well to stand your ground and not allow them to bully you any more.

guinnessgirl · 20/09/2016 14:24

And 'you can't put a price on the bride's happiness'? WTF? YES, yes you can! Having all the ridiculous extras is not going to increase her happiness, is it - really? This makes me really sad Sad

BarbaraofSeville · 20/09/2016 14:24

Is the bride's sister very wealthy? Or possibly working but still living with her parents so has a comparitively large disposable income?

In any case, it seems that she has absolutely no idea of the reality of finances for 90% of people in the real world if she can't see your problem with an event that sounds like it is going to cost thousands and many times more than what you were led to believe and agreed to.

Surely she can see that agreeing to go on a weekend and agreeing to go on a weekend with piles of yet to be revealed expensive add-ons are not the same at all.

keely79 · 20/09/2016 14:27

When I was a bride, I specified to my organisers that I wanted it to be kept to a reasonably budget (weekend away in cottages - under £100 a head including food which we cooked ourselves), and then add only activities that people could opt in and out of as they wished. It was much more important to me that my nearest and dearest friends could be there, and feel comfortable and happy, than making things all swanky.

If the bride has been as supportive and lovely as you describe in the past, I think she would be horrified that you are being put in this position and being made to feel like this. I would talk to her.

KoalaDownUnder · 20/09/2016 14:31

She said that you can't put a price on bride's happiness at such a special time of her life.

Omfg.

Yes, you really can put a price on a grind adult's happiness, if other people are funding it! Shock What the fuck?!

KoalaDownUnder · 20/09/2016 14:32

Grown adult, even, not a 'grind' one!

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2016 14:35

Oh my goodness that is just awful Sad, so she would rather see you skint and struggling with rent, bills, food, so that bride is happy, that's ok. I would talk to the bride, her reaction will tell you all you need to know. just say that the costs of stuff keep mounting up and you simply cannot afford it.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 20/09/2016 14:36

TBF, they are the ones putting a price - a high one! - on the bride's happiness by escalating the costs. It's as if she can't be happy with a pub lunch and a drinks after.
What nonsense.

Stand your ground OP.

Namechange37 · 20/09/2016 14:39

I had some prosecco and a meal in a pub...hired a little area, had about ten friends, got drunk and a few told some funny stories..we had a toast and that was it. £50 per head, 7pm till midnight. Great night..would have felt mortified asking people to travel for a whole weekend away let alone any extras.

specialsubject · 20/09/2016 14:43

Drop out now. Tell them that you are paying no more - and send a letter with proof of posting stating that. They can see you in court - where they will be laughed out.

If sweetybumps and cutesywoo think a brides happiness is priceless, let them pay. If bride throws a strop, you still dont have the.money - in which case tell her you will see her when she grows up.

squeaver · 20/09/2016 14:46

Can you swallow the money you've already paid out? Because I don't think you can or should go. You have to pull out altogether.

Then, say on the FB group, as politely as you can, "I'm sorry but the escalating costs are preventing me from attending. I want to celebrate with X and I wish her every happiness but I simply cannot afford this. If there was any way round this, I would be taking it but I don't have the money to pay for all of these extras. I hope you all have a very nice time."

If anyone gives you grief for that then they really are all a bunch of bitches.

I find it hard to believe that anything has to be paid for in full for something that isn't happening until next year - so three months at the very minimum.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/09/2016 14:47

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

If they told me I had to pay "my share", I would say, "No, as I have told you, I cannot afford it. I will not be coming and will not be contributing."

What are they going to do - take you to the small claims court? They are relying on you feeling embarrassed, guilty, confused because you don't want to let your friend down. So you need to stand firm and keep repeating that you cannot afford it and you won't be paying.

Roseformeplease · 20/09/2016 14:48

A lot of the things will not cost more if you drop out:

Beauty treatments - you don't pay for what you don't use.
Meal out in an expensive restaurant - no thanks - can't afford it.

Even the accommodation costs in a hotel are per room, not an overall cost so, with it being that far ahead, you ought to be able to cancel your room.

Tell the bride that you love her so much, you want to do something with just her and take her out for a slap up meal and a catch up.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/09/2016 14:49

Have any of the other hens in the FB group said anything? Or are they all looking forward to the extravaganza?

In situations like this, there are usually several people worrying about the cost. Aren't you getting any supportive 'me toos' from the other hens?

MiddleClassProblem · 20/09/2016 14:50

But if you don't have the money what the fuck are you supposed to do?

I would go to the bride. It's got jack shot to do with being there for each other. You don't ask a friend to go into debt for you for a holiday/party. He sister sounds like a cunt.

I hope really are saying "I can't pay for it all though, I agreed to what I could afford but then more hot added on etc" rather than just saying you can't go or money is tight. If you say money is tight then she probably thinks well she can prob save elsewhere. If you say you do not have the money full stop she can't imagine that you can shit money from somewhere.

I also deeply suspect that sister is shot with money and either has a rich dp, parents that bail her out or hangs out in debt city.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 20/09/2016 14:50

Can you maybe go on the weekend but back out of the week long do on the ground that you can't get time off work? And also put your foot down very heavily to the naked chef idea.

squeaver · 20/09/2016 14:51

I suppose if they're staying in a house they will have paid a deposit. If you can suck up your share of that, fine. And they'll just have to drop the naked chef and cover the rest of your accommodation costs. I can't believe there are any other costs which they would have to commit to now.

Or they could find some other mug to go along.

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 20/09/2016 14:52

Speak to your friend on the QT, be honest and open. A true friend will understand.