About ever-rising hen weekend costs?

[myshinynewusername]

I am going on a hen weekend next year. Its a weekend in a very swish house, which all the hens will be sharing. Its not cheap at all, especially when you factor in the cost of meals/drinks/nights out.

However, its now escalating more and more. They seem to have a new idea almost every week. They are getting beauticians to the house for pre-night-out treatments, they are having themed outfits everyday (which I will need to buy), and they want to go to a particular (expensive) restaurant one night. Now they are saying that they want to hire a naked chef/butler to come and cook for us one night.

Its all too much for me. There is also the cost of attending the wedding and the other hen event (a week abroad) to factor in. The other hens are getting very shirty with me for saying that its all becoming too expensive. They don't want to pay for 'my share' of what is already booked, but I am constantly being outvoted on new stuff that is being booked.

I adore the bride and this is all incredibly out of character for her (although a couple of things are 'surprises' for her). She is usually ultra considerate, the last one to do anything to upset others. I wonder whether the sister and other friends are driving it more than her. They are all very excited about it all, but I'm dreading it now.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable here?! I did agree at first, but not to all these extras that are being added on. The bride is a big part of my life and would be even if I fell out with her (long story), and I desperately don't want to fall out with her.

myshinynewusername re "I have paid a few deposits and it looks like I will be held to the full costs of everything already booked whether I attend or not." Deposits have to be paid and if you don 't go, that is the nature of deposits, they will be lost. As far as the event actually goes - if they have ruined the event for you then it does not seem unreasonable for you to not go. BUT I would suggest you talk to the bride first, see if this event can be salvaged. Can speak to any of the pother women who are not high earners, explain you are feeling like you want to pull out and see if this can be salvaged? And seriously, how many events is she having????

Re "Bride knows about most of it, but not all. That's another thing, I'm worried about having to reveal that there are surprises if I talk to her. I can't really explain the true extent of the problem without mentioning the surprises." I really think you should not reveal any surprises. It does not seem like a fair thing to do to her. She does not need t know the ins and outs of exactly how much things will cost or exactly what you can or can't afford.

To be fair your 'I simply cannot afford this" should be enough for her. If you do need to reveal that there will be surprises you do not need to reveal what they will be.

And I think: "She is only getting married. People do that every day." is a bit mean about celebrating something very special with someone you love.

yes and that is what the actual WEDDING is for!

Or you think celebrating something special with someone you love should involve a country retreat with professional make-p, expensive restaurants, new outfits and a naked chef, followed by a week abroad, followed by the actual wedding?

Fine if you have the funds for that but many people dont. She IS only getting married. Her wedding shouldn't mean her friends are forced into this expensive nonsense.

Look, if you agreed to pay £200, they cant turn round and tell you its £600. They are not being reasonable.
Say that and back out now.

Why are you going on the week away too? This is nonsense. You have to pull out! Who the fuck insists on themed outfits? Sorry but any hen do I've been to lately has been about people having fun and feeling good and happy, not strutting around in matching outfits. That's so tacky. As is the naked butler. Can't you just enjoy each other's company?
Also with the beautician - surely you only have to pay for treatments? Or is it a fixed price for her to come and she'll do everyone?

Forget the deposit and bow out. If they go ballistic, tell them you're going to talk to the bride and explain you can't afford the rising costs. They can't force you to pay the whole amount.

The beautician should be an easy one to back out of without affecting anyone else. Surely they will charge for the work they do or per person? No treatment means no cost.

yanbu that's ridiculous. I have been to a lot of hens in the last few years and they have sometimes started to escalate. A lot of attendees have often drawn the line at various activities or events because of money and that's been fine with the organiser. Your organiser is unreasonable and you should only do what you can afford and what you are comfortable with.

Is this a joke??!

The whole hen's bullshit has jumped the shark anyway. It's hardly as if it's some 'last night of girly freedom'. Ffs.

Absolutely no way would I fork out for this. I will turn up to one (ONE) hen's event, and have fun. I won't spunk my entire annual holiday budget on weekends away with a naked chef (?!)

Madness, I tell ya.

YANBU in the slightest.

God I am soooo glad I'm so old and all my girlfriends finished getting engaged, married, pregnant and giving birth 20 years ago. I would HATE to feel pressured and obliged to spend fortunes on all these grotesque over-indulgent, ostentatious pantomimes and exercises in one upmanship. They make me cringe.

It seems these days it starts at your first 'prom' when you and ten other children are shoehorned into a stretch limo to go to your 'graduation' from infant school to juniors, the midway point is a completely over the top hen/stag do where your friends are made to feel like shit if they don't want to spend a few hundred quid and several days of their annual leave in your honour and that's before the wedding, and doesn't fucking stop until you plonk your last baby into the middle of a large chocolate cake on his first birthday and have a professional photographer to help you 'make some memories.'

Just UUUURRRRGGGHHHH! to the ghastly lot of it.

^^ with knobs on!

YANBU it's absolutely ridiculous how expensive these things get!

I was so conscious of this last year and wanted a day of fun with as many friends as could make it so we did afternoon tea with an out of pocket expense of £10! If someone couldn't have afforded that I would have totally understood.

Weddings are the be all and end all for the bride and groom, but not for everyone else!!

Leave, dead right! It is such an orgy of self-glorification and consumerism.

I really think you should pull out now. It's a long way off, so you may get deposits back in any case (and I'd check to see if they were for the group or each individual anyway,) plus they still have plenty more time to add more to the agenda. Also it sounds as if you are likely to fall out with the other attendees as they probably already see you as a killjoy, and even if you do manage to keep quiet you will likely end up paying out a lot for an event you sounds as if you are already dreading.

Majority voting really doesn't work when there is significant cost involved unless there is a minority option too which will only work for some items (ie you can opt out of themes dressing but not so much a meal at a restaurant).

It all sounds a bit grim and very OTT.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good party and a lovely memorable wedding and a reason to dress up and celebrate something as much as the next person. But there is something deeply unpleasant and shallow and narcissistic about the recent trend for turning every vaguely important life event into a chance to pretend you are doing a Centre page spread in Hello! Magazine. People are spending money they can ill afford on this utter nonsense because they feel an insane pressure to keep up, or they think they deserve it and they won't be seen as doing things 'properly' if they don't have it.

It makes me feel quite ill to see the level of entitlement and expectation to this showy nonsense that is developing in people. Everyone thinks they are in their own reality show.

Koala "I won't spunk my entire annual holiday budget on weekends away with a naked chef (?!)"

um, yes, that might be outside his job description

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe God, yes, this.
And the constant one upmanship. Its so empty.

How are you all communicating? Things like whatsapp and email groups can easily run away withthemselves/whoever shouts loudest. I'm sure you aren't the only one who doesn't want all the expense on the spunky butler. Can you get together in person to make plans? ie put the brakes on?

I love a good party to celebrate a friend, but not if I have to buy an unflattering round necked pink t shirt with my name on the front & matching feather boa in order to attend.

Yes, that's what it all sounds like wings, people thinking that they are like the people featured in Hello, but I can't believe that any normal, non famous people, on normal or even above average salaries behave like this, do they? Or do I lead a very sheltered life?

Who on earth thinks it's reasonable to bully people into an escalating array of expensive activities against their will? They can't take unanimous decisions that will cost others who have said they can't/don't want to participate hundreds of pounds or more .

Yanbu

I hate this kind of thing. Had something very similar with a girl from work last year I didn't go in the end, it's not I couldn't afford to but I'd rather spend the money going somewhere fancy with DH.

Yes she's getting married, but this is nothing to do with the actual wedding

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe your summation of the current 'celebration inflation' is spot on.
I've been a bridesmaid 8 times and organised all 8 'do's' and there was an opening email with ideas and costs, a bit of feedback, then budget set and off we went. The whole fun was pitching in with others you maybe didn't know brilliantly and doing something a bit different- cheap and cheerful.
I'd still go because I'd hate to miss a party (and lose my deposit!) but I'd stop the add-ons now.

I've been in a similar situation recently, we're going away for four days abroad for this hen. This in itself was actually not hugely expensive and the wedding is not until next year. However one of the other girls wants to get matching t shirts, matching everything etc printed for the holiday, she wants to do this, that and the other much like OP's theme nights and so on. Myself and the bride had to say, "Sorry, we can't afford this, we wanted a cheap cheerful trip and this is turning into a really expensive trip." It felt like we were being harsh but we can't afford the kind of money she wanted to spend on stuff just for four days.

Some hen dos sound like people are spending money for the sake of it.

Have been married twice. First time went with a friend and my sister to Blackpool pleasure beach in the day and to see phantom of the opera in the evening. Presumably ate some food too.

This time had afternoon tea with a friend, her DD, my DD, my sister and my mum. Did mean DD and I stayed down there for a night but that was the only travelling there was.

I really don't understand going away for many nights and doing loads of things. I am moderately old by now though

Whats wrong with the pub or nightclub and a kebab on the way home?
All this fuss sounds awful. Glad i dont go to weddings or hen dos anymore.

um, yes, that might be outside his job description grin

indeed!