I know this is bu. but do you feel sad if your child is not invited to a party?

[LardLizard]

I know it's a bit pathetic really, but feel sorry for my nine tear old not invited to her friends party

I've tried to brush it off to dd, and said, oh well, maybe she's only allowed a certain number of children or something
And that you can't always go to everything
And that you can still be friends and still play together

But I think she feels pretty sad, maybe a realisation that this friend doesn't think of my dd as that much of a friend

I've suggested perhaps we do something nice on that particular day

Any other ideas how to help my dd feel less sad

I wouldn't ever actually do this, but I feel like not bothering to chat to the mum anymore

We're in an interesting position at the diametrically opposed ends of this thread. I have one who gets party invitations all the time. And one who rarely gets one almost certainly because of ASD.
So with my frequently invited, socially competent dc I don't bat an eyelid discussing the occasional non invite.
I die inside for the other one who is also the one with nobody to pair up with or a 'chosen few' most of the time.
We are lucky with a couple of friends who do invite but it's hard to keep smiling when your dc is old enough to know. And care.

Parties usually go like this in my area

Reception and year one - PFB have noisy full class village hall parties. Half of subsequent born children have the same. Rest invite a much smaller group of 3-7 kids. Mixed or single sex but definitely friendship group rather then randoms with no relationship. Parents less stressed.

Year 2/3 - full class parties rare. Mostly mixed or singlesex parties of 3-12 kids.

Year 4/5/6 - usually 1-7 invited. Mixed or single sex. If only one child the party might be an expensive theatre trip or a bigger day trip somewhere. Plus eating out.

Ah yes this happened to my daughter. Every year we invite a girl to her party then guaranteed 3 weeks later when it's her turn to invite my daughter has been the only one in the class not invited.
Last year this child came to my daughters party sent a card to her saying she was her best friend and I thought surely this year she will get an invite. But no, every girl in the class but her got one. If their birthdays weren't so near it wouldn't bother me.
I was that fuming I texted the mum and said 'just wondering if xxx has misplaced her invite to xxxx party that all the other girls have been invited to or is it the case she's not been invited. I got a sheepish reply saying she must have forgot the invite asking her to come. I really wanted to then say 'sorry can't do that date' but my daughter was so pleased.
I don't know if it's just that she's a fickle child about friends or one who likes to play kids off against each other but this year they've mixed the classes up so she's not in the same class so I definitely won't be bothering inviting her this time x

Spot on optimist

My pfb had a full year party in y1!

Forget about that for DS2! He had a tea party at home with 6 friends ....

Eldest DD was once excluded from a party attended by the whole SCHOOL. Hosted by the parents who ran a local pub, all 65 children, except mine were invited. That was utterly heart breaking and I still cringe now thinking back. DD had a horrendous time at junior school, small class of 9 meant cliques were formed and she was excluded from all and subject to the most horrific bullying. It is still the thing I regret most, not moving her when I had the chance but I thought it would alienate our family more (plus LLs had a big say in local school and knew it wouldn't go down well).

Despite all of that, DD grew up into the most wonderful caring person who will go out of her way to take the 'less popular' under her wing, often getting hurt in the process but it doesn't deter her. OP make sure your DD knows how shit it is but find something else fun to do. Don't make excuses for them, if you can't invite everyone, or limit it to just a couple then don't bother.

Yes agree with optimist

I do really wonder about parents who could do what sunflower has experienced - and how awful chunky - dreadful behaviour from the parents - no wonder the kids are awful bully types - your daughter has far more than they will ever have

Just today dropping DS off saw pile of party invites in class tray - DS did not get one in his book bag - ah well -

Party disappointments are real - but life goes on - onwards and upwards😄

Sunflower - your post reminded me of when my DD started in reception, her party was just a few weeks in. She had kindly been invited to another girl's party in the first week of term, and at my DD's party this girl insisted on sitting next to my DD for the birthday tea and I throught "Yeah, DD has made a friend already".

Over the ensuing years I realised that this particular girl always insists on sitting next to the birthday child, for her own gratification not theirs. She is 17 now and still behaves in the same way

I think if the parents are resilient, the kids will usually follow. So don't take offence if not invited to a party, just accept it and happily move on.

I must add that inviting someone to your party, doesn't mean you get to attend their party. The party boy/girl gets a gift and that's the exchange. Not party for party.

I just find the whole thing awful.

The not replying to invites.....all that jazz, then this invite thing .

Cheer up! Parties are supposed to be fun and usually are

I firmly tell my dd to be discreet when giving out invitations. A few years back, they were placed in book trays by the teacher. I also tell her not to openly discuss her party and I do not always post on FB as I am friendly (not friends) with a few of the mothers.

Dd has informed me that a particular girl in her class mentioned she is having a party but my dd is not invited as it is only a small one. Why discuss it? I am so glad my dd shrugs it off whilst eating the sweets given out at the end of class.

I teach my dd that she will not be invited to all parties or included in everything. She is quite confident and sure of herself - nothing like I was.

Well yes, but shit happens. I remember the time we dropped around a present to DD's friend (8th birthday), because we were told that they were not having a party, and the other girl had come to DD's. Surprise! Every little girl in the class was at the birthday girl's party. Mother was very embarrassed and immediately offered an invitation. DD was keen to accept, but we handed over the gift and left. There are some things dignity does not allow. We went on to McD's and had a long chat. DD was devastated about the exclusion but we talked about the fact that little girls and their mothers can be total bitches.

Wow you said it pollyglot "little girls and their mother's can be bitches". That's awful.

I've felt a bit wounded sometimes on my DD's behalf but never enough to not want to talk to the mum again! Friendships are fluid aren't they?

I was on the other side of this once, I was taking some of DD's friends for a pizza after school for her birthday and there was a girl in the class she hadn't invited (there were only 6 invited I think, her BFFs) and when I got to the pizza place I had a text from the father of a girl in her class saying "G says that D is having a party today, can I get the details as I haven't seen the invite" so I texted back along the lines of "not a party as such, but a few friends having pizza, G is welcome to join us, we are at xyz" and neither of the parents ever spoke to me again. I'm still not sure what I did wrong.

I think it's always worth bearing in mind that there are lots of reasons why parents have to limit numbers. I'm currently getting a bit anxious about who to invite to ds's November party because both dh and I regularly speak to parents of children that ds doesn't talk about that much any more. Last year we went with a gym hall and did our own catering precisely because that meant we could have more children there. But this year dc2 is due to be born that day after ds's birthday so I'll likely either have a newborn and need to rely on family to help or be heavily pregnant. I don't want to cater in those circumstances so we're looking at a soft play party where all catering is done - we just pay and people turn up. But we'll need to limit numbers because this is an expensive way to do it. Five places are already taken up by ds, his three cousins and his best friend. He's a sociable boy who plays with pretty much everyone! So much angst involved in children's parties!

Limiting numbers is understandable, deliberate exclusion, IMO, is not.
I would be a bit wary of rolling out a special treat every single time though.

I agree, perfectly understandable to limit numbers, no one has an issue with that. That isn't the problem. It's the cruel exclusion of one child out of the class or out of a friendship group. So nasty.

I am another that has an oldest child who often didn't get invited. The middle son got invited to all parties. Including year above children and year below children.
The oldest was in year 3 and the whole class got invited to one boys party apart from my son. The boy told my son he didn't invite him as he doesn't like him. The mother of this boy was the class teacher of year 2 (the whole class had her the previous year) I said quite loudly that I thought being the class teacher I thought she would know better than to leave one child out. She over heard me, as I'd intended. The next day she apologised and said she hadn't checked who had been invited. My son still didn't get an invite though. It happened a few more times too. Even his so called better friends invited him, but told him their mum had made them invite him because they were friends with me. Then on the occasions he wasn't invited all the kids would laugh because he didn't go. Children can be so spiteful. Thankfully he's now in year 11 and parties don't happen much now. Yet middle son always gets invited to things. My youngest seems to have a nice group of friends. He is in year 3 and gets invited to a few parties.