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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know this is bu. but do you feel sad if your child is not invited to a party?

218 replies

LardLizard · 19/09/2016 20:11

I know it's a bit pathetic really, but feel sorry for my nine tear old not invited to her friends party

I've tried to brush it off to dd, and said, oh well, maybe she's only allowed a certain number of children or something
And that you can't always go to everything
And that you can still be friends and still play together

But I think she feels pretty sad, maybe a realisation that this friend doesn't think of my dd as that much of a friend

I've suggested perhaps we do something nice on that particular day

Any other ideas how to help my dd feel less sad

I wouldn't ever actually do this, but I feel like not bothering to chat to the mum anymore

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 19/09/2016 21:30

Just to give another perspective of this subject...

My DC have both had children challenge (quite aggressively) them for not inviting them to parties.

In all four instances it was a child they didn't ever play with. In two cases it was a child who was actively nasty to them at school.

These were small parties with well under half the class invited and invitations were not handed out at school.

Not everyone can always get an invitation. Parties are expensive and sometimes logistics mean that there is only room for a certain number.

My DC were quite distressed by being harangued over party invites and trying to find polite responses.

venys · 19/09/2016 21:41

At the moment I am.secretly glad my.kids don't get invited to parties. DS1 has moderate learning difficulties and is in Year 1. He was invited to one party last year and because my nanny let me down I had to take him, his younger brother and a newborn. DS1 was an absolute nightmare - trying to explore the house and go out onto the road. I took him home early and he had a massive meltdown. Not sure we can do any parties for the time being unless they are "contained". The kids don't have any friends to speak of so I haven't heard of them feeling disappointed about not being invited to parties.

kath6144 · 19/09/2016 21:46

Some reassurance that there wont be long term effects...

This happened to my DS when younger, a boy we had known from a baby at private nursery, missed him out when they were 6 or 7, I remember being v upset but DS was like 'Mum, I am really not bothered'! .

As he got older he got less invites, as was never a boys boy, not sporty at all, much preferred female friends, but as they became teenagers they had girls only sleepovers. He hardly ever got invited to sleepovers with anyone.

All changed in last 2 yrs or so as he was part of a mixed group in 6th form, all going to parties and pubs together as they became 17 then 18.

He is now on day 3 of freshers week and seems to know half the uni already! Well not quite, but as well as his going out with his flat mates, he has been out with people from another flat and was tonight heading (along with a girl from floor above) to meet 2 guys in some nearby halls for a night out.

So much for me worrying all those years ago about the lack of party invites...it doesnt seem to have affected him long term - he is definitely more social than me or DH and more social than I thought he would become, when he never got party invites.

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 19/09/2016 21:51

The has happened to us today. Dd is pretty upset about it. She's been to all our parties before and on th last one. We changed the time to accommodate said children. As the girl was handing out her invitations this morning my dd said how com I'm not invited. The girl said her mum said she wasnt allowed to invite her. They're good friends and dd is lovely. She's very polite and respectful. My heart sank for her.
Conclusion.. people are arseholes!

Mari50 · 19/09/2016 21:51

It is rotten- my DD seems popular enough but seems to get missed out a lot, personally though the worst is that twice she hasn't been given an invite but the birthday child has told her that they have just forgot her invite and that she should come along to the party, I then have to explain that's not how things work etc etc which is even worse than a straight forward no invite!!
Worst situation was when one of her best friends didn't invite her to party and then proceeded to cry on my DD's shoulder as she was worried no one would come to her party.

Justalittlelemondrizzle · 19/09/2016 21:52

Sorry for the typos. My phones being an arse...

totalrecall1 · 19/09/2016 22:02

This happened to all mine at some point. In fact my youngest wasn't invited to one that all her friends went to on Saturday, apparently the child told her that she had forgotten her invite, so she kept asking if she could go. I explained that without an invite I wouldn't know where to take her. My eldest was blatantly snubbed last month, that was worse because it was clearly meant as such. I was more pissed off with the child's mother for allowing her DD to treat someone else like that. It is really upsetting.

PumpkinPie9 · 19/09/2016 22:06

It's the times when people haven't been discreet about it that have stuck in my mind. I remember two girls in dd's class had a party after school. They waited in front of the queue of children waiting to be collected after school and put party hats on the invited children and not on the others with them all watching. FFS. Angry So unkind.

Ditto parents who graciously bestow invitations on the playground in front of non invited children.

Mari50 · 19/09/2016 22:08

Yeah, a girl in DD's class had a party immediately after school and school allowed those invited to get changed into party gear - personally I thought that was really off.

PumpkinPie9 · 19/09/2016 22:08

Sorry, it was the mothers who were putting the party hats on the invited kids not the girls.

Original poster
LardLizard · 19/09/2016 22:15

Thankyou very much for the reassurance that's I'm doing the right thing, me and dh have planned a nice day out on said day, so she will have something to look forward to that day

Thanks for the assurances I'm handling it as best as I can, thanks for taking the time

I think what hit her the most was this girl, is actually part of the group of five that dd plays with everyday

But I will do my best to cheer her up.

Thanks

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 19/09/2016 22:16

To be fair pumpkin it's quite hard to get invitations to children's class mates somewhere other than at the school I should think. Also hard to give out surreptitiously if you don't know the children's parents or are not there at pick up.

Minstrelsareyum · 19/09/2016 22:18

I can understand how you feel op, completely. I have cried before when my child has been left out of a party of someone she or I consider to be a good friend. Have stewed about it for days, cried over the phone to friends. But now she's nearing the end of primary, it no longer bothers me. She seems to have more invites now to smaller groups. You're not being silly because you are a Mummy and mums feel their children's emotions and want to protect them. So do something nice on the day, pref. even better than what is going to happen at the party!
My eldest in year 9 has had no party invitations in year 7, 8 and so far in year 9 of secondary school apart from one boy who he sees in an external club and even then that invite was just for tea. Do things change for secondary, i.e. no parties? Or is he just not very popular!? He doesn't seem bothered though.

OwlinaTree · 19/09/2016 22:20

Sorry pumpkin I didn't read that properly, through it was giving out invitations bit party hats!Shock

Yes I'm with you on that one!

OwlinaTree · 19/09/2016 22:21

Not, not bit

Champagneformyrealfriends · 19/09/2016 22:21

My DD is 6 months old but reading this thread has made me decide that she will never hand out party invitations at school.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 19/09/2016 22:23

I used to but not anymore!

'Luckily' my DS has been invited to most parties (the exception being the 'girly girls' who like everything pink and princess) and I found it a pain. It ate into family time, it was expensive (presents) and sometimes numbingly boring (3 hours looking at insects is not fun for me or DS!)

I am relieved that my DS (4) is becoming picky and likewise his friends. I was never upset or disappointed when he wasn't invited. Just a bit 'meh' but surprised almost. i think because being my 'PFB' I was new to all this.

But I have a 'mum friend' who gets really upset that her 'princess' is not invited to a lot of parties. I told her to look on the bright side - money not being spent!

BabyGanoush · 19/09/2016 22:24

I think instead of brushing it off, and saying things you don't believe (though meant in the kindest way), I would advocate honesty.

I'd say: " it can hurt not to be invited, and I understand you feel sad." And "I have no idea why you weren't invited. These things just happen sometimes".

You want to protect your children from hurt and invent a thousand reasons why the invite got lost, but it's kinder to just be straight.

Then I'd leave it at that.

Lymmmummy · 19/09/2016 22:25

Icequuen - sorry but that girl sounds a right sh*t

I understand it is sad when certain children don't get invited similar to when certain children refuse party invites - leaving the birthday. Hold potentially upset - but I do wonder why children are allowed to guve out imvites themselves in a school environment as it leads to upset and like in ice queens case enables jumped up little nasty kids who will deliberately goad others to have a platform.

I agree with others it's hard to face the parents if this happens as inevitably you can't really forget what has happened colouring your view of them

Like others have said I think this really strikes home when parties become smaller and more exclusive - am dreading that phase😒

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/09/2016 22:33

YANBU. I'm glad to read this thread as I felt quite irrational about it tbh. There was a party a couple of weeks ago, my DS has been invited every year before, this particular one he would have loved, but no invite this time even though it seemed to be a lot of his friends. I was quite annoyed. Last year a friend of his kept saying he was going to invite DS to his birthday and have a sleepover, I told DS not to get his hopes up until he had an actual invite (I strongly suspect the mother doesn't like DS and wouldn't allow him to go over) but DS said he wouldn't definitely be invited as his friend had told him. Nope, unfortunately I was right. Time will soon tell if it's the same again this year as DS was adamant he wanted this boy at his party and even though I wanted to say no, I didn't and allowed him to come. They boy looked so pleased with his invite which does lead me to believe it's the mother that's the problem.

DS's class is quite small and class parties are long over plus many of them never had parties anyway so he hasn't been to loads . I feel quite sad for him tbh as it seems to be a lot of his friends just don't have parties.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/09/2016 22:35

DS said he would definitely be invited

ThePinkOcelot · 19/09/2016 22:38

Tbh, I used to be relieved when dds didn't get invited. No spending money on a present and no sitting bored out of my tree for hours making small talk.

PumpkinPie9 · 19/09/2016 22:45

Owlina. The teaching assistants will put party invitations in book bags at dd's school. Much more discreet and what i used to do. So there was no need to make a show of it at dd's school.

RonSwansonsBestFriend · 19/09/2016 22:45

I'm probably being slightly unfair to my kids but I have only ever done very small parties, just boys or just girls or whole classes - shared with others. I've often made my kids invite classmates who they don't usually play with but invited them to theirs or if it would be unfair not to invite.

I've always been acutely aware of this very scenario and actually not done a party when it became uncomfortable, I know my kids should be able to decide, but there's a right way of doing things, I hope they've learned from it and don't resent me?

There is nearly always a logical reason though and not an intentional snub.

Feel sad for your DD, I hope she's ok.

PeppasNanna · 19/09/2016 22:51

Welcome to my world...

I have 2 ds with SN we have only been to about 3 parties - ever! They are 11& 8.

We're very often not included in family occasions & party's.

It so offensive & painful. Sad