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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know this is bu. but do you feel sad if your child is not invited to a party?

218 replies

LardLizard · 19/09/2016 20:11

I know it's a bit pathetic really, but feel sorry for my nine tear old not invited to her friends party

I've tried to brush it off to dd, and said, oh well, maybe she's only allowed a certain number of children or something
And that you can't always go to everything
And that you can still be friends and still play together

But I think she feels pretty sad, maybe a realisation that this friend doesn't think of my dd as that much of a friend

I've suggested perhaps we do something nice on that particular day

Any other ideas how to help my dd feel less sad

I wouldn't ever actually do this, but I feel like not bothering to chat to the mum anymore

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/09/2016 12:41

Actually there is a girl in dd's class, they are 10 now but a few years ago, maybe 7-8ish, she used to tell all the girls in their group that she had a big chart on her bedroom wall and she used to record their behaviour daily and the results over a few months would depend on whether or not they got an invite to her party Confused Thankfully even at that age dd and most of her friends realised she was batshit if they were going to fall for it, she never did have a party that year, I think it was a phase though as she has copped on now, still no parties since then though

Niloufes · 21/09/2016 13:19

My daughter is 3 and this has started to happen. Its a shame and hard on them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2016 14:24

nocoffee.

I'd be a lot less involved with my dds social life if the mother of the child hadn't bad mouthed my then 5 yr old so badly that her daughter refused to play with my DD for 6 months. That's adult on child bullying.

I'd be a lot less involved if I thought the mother wasn't still manipulating her child by excluding mine again from her 9th birthday party.

I'd be a lot less involved if said mother when I occasionally happen to talk to her, she speaks of how mature and polite my DD now is. And now I'm now 99.9% sure she once again orchestrated her DD not inviting mine to her party and perhaps is still bad mouthing my DD.

I'd also be a lot less involved if when a couple of years ago, both DD and I tried to arrange play dates with her child and another child and both mothers ignored the two of us. The second mother in request to having a play date with her DD said that no it was the turn of the other child in this story. And this was to my dds face - she was only 6 and ran back to me in floods of tears.

I've tried everything possible to get my DD to broaden her friendship group by taking her to numerous clubs she loves just to get away from these children and get friendly with other kids.

So yes, I'm far too involved in my dds social life. All because I'm not a sheep and a conformist. And neither is DD.

DancingDinosaur · 21/09/2016 14:36

Its not nice to leave one child out, but if its a small party I wouldn't worry about it. Parties are expensive and people don't always have the money or the energy to invite everyone.

KERALA1 · 21/09/2016 14:49

The thing is mummyoflittledragon it all sounds so dramatic - any mother that behaved like that would be so ridiculous I would laugh and genuinely not give a damn what she thought or did as she is obviously strange or abit thick. Remembering playdate requests from two years ago?! Sometimes DD asks for a playdate and the mum says not tonight love or something I wouldn't even remember that happening the previous day let alone two years ago.

Reading this thread makes me shudder to think how many people I have inadvertently mortally offended over the years without having a clue what I am doing...

Optimist3 · 21/09/2016 14:51

I don't stuffer with this at all. I see it as a non issue. Nobody is invited to everything. It's normal not to attend every party.

Londonista · 21/09/2016 18:06

My son, year 1, is so affronted at not being invited to parties, he walks up to the offending parent and openly asks to come. Hasn't been turned down yet. He does have chronic short man syndrome though... !

Ladyrattlesuk · 21/09/2016 18:15

My daughter is very popular and always had invites but my two boys didn't. My eldest took it fine but my youngest didn't. He had one birthday party where none of the 14 people we invited turned up, so I started to invite children of my friends for a few years. Sadly they never invited him to their parties (only his sister), and he only went to two parties in primary school. He would always come home crying whenever his friends had missed him out. I used to tell him about people having limited places and usually did some cupcake baking. It was so sad. My daughter was the year above and it was heartbreaking for him each time she got one.

rockcake · 21/09/2016 18:28

Feel for all kids who get left out of something at some point in their childhood, but ICEQUEEN, console yourself with the notion that you're the mother of a socially shy boy, not the person who gave birth to the vile little bitch who excluded him - and rubbed his nose in it - in Y5. Wink

Londonista · 21/09/2016 18:52

What Rock Cake said. I would be beyond mortified if it got back to me that my Year 5 child did that. It would definitely be cancelled party. My niece's school has banned the giving out of invites at school for this very reason. Apparently it was all getting out of hand with extravagant parties and kids being upset about not being invited (state school in posh part of London).

Sprinklestar · 21/09/2016 18:54

Some of these stories are awful! We have moved around a lot and I've never come across people being so actively unkind/downright nasty. More often than not, it's the new children who get invited as they're a novelty, rather than being left out.

Saying that, I do know of one mum who invited DC1 to her son's party, but told me she wasn't going to invite a little girl DC1 was friendly with or they would end up playing together and her son would be excluded. If my DC hadn't wanted to go so much, I'd have declined the invitation due to her being so openly manipulative! In the end, the other little girl didn't invite the son to her party later in the year, and my DC went to both, so for us it worked out ok. I'd have much preferred that they'd all invited each other though and we invited both children to DC1's party.

Londonista · 21/09/2016 18:58

Has anyone come across growing trend of people giving the birthday child a present even if they can't come? My son had a large party last year (invited whole class) and we got 3 presents from parents of kids who couldn't come. Not as if we knew parents/child well either. Completely unnecessary in my view, and now I feel need to reciprocate, party or not.

LK2boyzma · 21/09/2016 19:20

I feel your pain!
A girl in DS's class gave him an invite and later came back and demanded that he tears it up infront of other kids! Shock
My heart tore to pieces when he told me!
Having said that, I let them decide who they want to invite as I am aware that children generally don't always gel with everyone in their class/year. Imagine if he had not told me the above story and I go and invite her to his party..

bubblegurl252 · 21/09/2016 19:36

I remember when I invited all my friends to my birthday party, everyone said yes. Then a popular girl decided a week before my party she was having one the same day. No one turned up to mine, only the 1 friend who came in the car with us. That was in middle school and I have hated birthdays ever since

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2016 20:06

KERALA. It wasn't a one off regarding the play dates with these women. DD must have asked each of them ten times a piece. It became embarrassing and heartbreaking all at the same time. DD was absolutely desperate. One fobbed DD off snd the other downright ignored her.

The mother you described as ridiculous is queen bee. Yes it is all rather ridiculous. Hence why I spent so much energy getting my DD to look for alternative friends.

I know it all sounds dramatic and my DD was destroyed. It actually took her 12 months to recover.

OCSockOrphanage · 21/09/2016 20:16

In the dim distant past of children's parties, classes were small and the whole class was invited. When it expanded, it was boys or girls only, but all invited. Then, when one child changed schools, it was 'not you' despite the two of them being the closest friends. Ho hum...........

hazebaze87 · 21/09/2016 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersBassoon · 21/09/2016 20:41

I'm just thinking, this must have happened to me, and probably most people, at some point during their school days. I don't remember it though, but I can't possibly have been invited to every party.

My point is, I think we feel it more keenly for our children. But they don't see a lack of invitation as we as adults who understand social niceties and etiquette do. I think most children can just take it on the chin. They're not supposed to be invited to everything, and that's OK.

I have had that "Why not my baby?!" when I've seen invitations going out and mine didn't get one. But that feeling is quickly replaced with "Thank god, I don't want to give up another weekend afternoon to making small talk in a foisty soft play."

Squabblesallaround · 21/09/2016 21:01

It's horrible! My DC's are close in age but my youngest is much more 'popular' amongst the whole class (eldest now has a circle of good friends rather than mass popularity) and dc1 really notices this. It's something they have to learn and deal with though.
That said I was once talking to a mum of a classmate with asd who said her son had never been invited to a party since he started reception...broke my heart!! so I made a point of having a full class party so we could invite him. He had and amazing time and the mum was very emotional at the invite/how he coped etc. It was lovely to see Smile. Same child had a party 2 months later and my DC was the only one without an invite....I was a bit Hmm

ShatnersBassoon · 21/09/2016 21:03

Oh Squabble, that is cruel! No good deed goes unpunished, eh?

Squabblesallaround · 21/09/2016 21:21

Was sad for my DC obviously but like to think we opened up the possibility of the party world for that child which can only be a good thing Smile

roseteapot101 · 21/09/2016 21:27

i worry this will happen to my daughter to shes in year one now.Last year about 10 party's i felt very lucky.But i worry as she gets older when she starts to realise.

she has speech delay and one thing i know is that when your different or special needs you don't get invited to party's .If its obvious then you get invited automatically as people get embarrassed but its the one's you cant see.

I had brain damage as a child and thus was delayed .This meant children naturally felt something different about me and thus did not get invited to party's.I stopped having birthdays as no one would come

All you can say is that party's can be very expensive sometimes some parents can only afford to invite a few children. Or say maybe next time you dont always get invited to party's

TippyT · 21/09/2016 22:05

I tried to host a Halloween party for my daughter and her friends once... No one turned up they all went to a diffent party hosted by another mutual mum friend :/ to which neither my daughter or my self where invited both mums and daughter like mine :( it was the most horrible humiliating experience I have ever had

kittymamma · 21/09/2016 23:52

I think it is more humiliating for the rudeness of your potential guests for not notifying you at the earliest opportunity that they had a prior engagement Tippy. Although, one wonders, could it have been because you invited all but mutual mum friend and child and they felt shunned and hence did their own and guilted others into coming to hers instead.

happybee1 · 22/09/2016 00:14

I remember my ds in the playground being very upset as one of his so called friends handed out invitations after school to all his other friends but left him outSad