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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know this is bu. but do you feel sad if your child is not invited to a party?

218 replies

LardLizard · 19/09/2016 20:11

I know it's a bit pathetic really, but feel sorry for my nine tear old not invited to her friends party

I've tried to brush it off to dd, and said, oh well, maybe she's only allowed a certain number of children or something
And that you can't always go to everything
And that you can still be friends and still play together

But I think she feels pretty sad, maybe a realisation that this friend doesn't think of my dd as that much of a friend

I've suggested perhaps we do something nice on that particular day

Any other ideas how to help my dd feel less sad

I wouldn't ever actually do this, but I feel like not bothering to chat to the mum anymore

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 15:14

I was speaking to a mummy one day and she said her ds doesn't get included in parties. She and I are now friends and her ds comes to dds parties. I felt sorry for him. He's a great kid, just doesn't have any specific friends and often gets Overlooked. DD and he play together after school and do judo together. We are a community. To the parents of overlooked children :I'm sorry so many parents in your local community don't see it that way.

Sprinklestar · 20/09/2016 15:18

Button - exactly the same here. Invitations sent out at the start of term to old nursery friends, friends outside school and now DD is firm friends with a new girl in reception. Except we have an activity planned, places limited and there just isn't room for this new girl (who is lovely). Her DM texted me asking if it is DD's birthday soon. I feel awful but we didn't know her a couple of weeks ago. It really isn't personal. I would love to add her in but I can't. DH says I'm overthinking but I'd hate my DD to be in this position.

Sprinklestar · 20/09/2016 15:21

Another thought. Sorry for slight derail. Also planning DS's birthday right now. For the first time, I haven't invited two friends' DSs as we have never been invited to one of their parties. We are all part of a bigger friendship group but it's just so unbalanced. I hope it doesn't rock the boat but why should I invite them year after year and them never invite DS back?

KathArtic · 20/09/2016 15:22

A different perspective from a mum of now teens:

I was once challenged by a mum for not inviting her DD to a party in Y6. It was a sleepover so I wanted limited numbers. The girl was moving away and they would rarely see each other again. I wanted DD to bond with the girls who were going up to secondary school with her.

Again with sleepovers, all little girls are nice, but you have to choose who will get on with each other. There was one or two who would dominate the night, or split the group, or would cry/feel unwell/want to go home at 2am. Sleepover are a nightmare so I WANTED an easy time.

starfishmummy · 20/09/2016 15:24

Ds has SN and goes to a special school. Not many kids have parties tbh.
But I get sad about family parties. Often it is obvious to me that he has only been invited out of duty - the surprised looks and hasty "that will be lovely" comments when we accept an invitation for him. And often the even greater surprise - or shock! - when he actually turns up!! (And the hasty re-jigging of party bags so he gets one) And then sometimes rather than the party proper, he is invited to the family tea with all the ancient relatives. Sad Angry
Luckily he tends not to realise, and if he does he's soon over it.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 20/09/2016 15:29

I've had loads of similar experiences.

A girl's mother took me out to lunch, told me all about the party she was organising for her DD, at home, with a friend doing hair and make up, and she was going to invite all the mums as well for wine and a natter. Next day, said child gives out invitations, but not one to DD. Another girl piped up, "your're not invited as you're not one of her close friends". I was so upset for DD.

Another one, a boy in her class was having a party, another mother mentioned it to me and I said great, another party my DD was not invited to. Cue phone call from party boy's mother later to say she had found DD's invitation on the side at home. Yeah, right.

Another occasion on an Open Day at school, a mother offered to take DD to a party that evening - whoops, she wasn't invited.

And more in a similar vein. Often when a huge swathe of the girls and boys were invited, to things like a disco at a cricket club where there was plenty of room.

In fact, just thinking about it is giving me the rage.

Of course they are all bessie mates now, but I haven't forgotten, oh no.

tomtherabbit · 20/09/2016 15:30

It can be really hard.

Our policy was always - you can be selective up to half the class. If you invite over half the class you have to invite them all.

If they were best friends until last week they're still coming.

It's harder with smaller parties though. My DS had a go-karting party and only 7 could come. It was hard but some people were left out.

DS2 had a build a bear party and we could only invite 5. I tried to persuade him to have a bigger party (not build a bear) but he didn't want one.

tomtherabbit · 20/09/2016 15:32

With Halloween, it depends how you look at it. DCs now coordinate with their friends who is going to stay at home and who is going to go out.

Part of the fun of trick or treat is going to your friends' houses so they can answer the door to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 15:34

Further to my post above, I also spoke to my DD about popular children. And told her not all children are popular. DD is an angel and angels Aren't usually popular. Angels are special and wonderful and kind and loyal. She was 6 at the time but now 8 and in yr4 and she still believes this.

EdithBouvierBeale · 20/09/2016 15:36

I feel the same. My 9yo DD was the only girl in her class not invited to a party recently. She thinks of the party girl as her best friend and was really upset. The mother has a problem with me because I once refused to sign a petition calling for sex education to be banned. The parents both arrived at school to take the kids off for a movie night. They had all got changed and my DD was the only one exiting the class in uniform. Who are these people?

ohgoodlordthatsmoist · 20/09/2016 15:37

I was only ever invited to a party when I was at school once, my mum didn't let me go and so began years of bullying exclusion and torment.

My lo had his first party invite a couple of months back, he's only 2 but he was so pleased with it but I except he will be excluded at some point.

I will endeavour not to exclude anyone when it comes out turn for having parties.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 15:43

edith our children will grow up being strong and determined with our help. She's a Pathetic mother. Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2016 15:44

starfish that is awful, how nasty of your family, in this day and age with more disability awareness, their approach best fits sentiments 50/60 years ago. Edith what a nasty disgusting mum, to treat a child like that has got to take some level of how do I put it, nastiness. I hope her dd does not grow up like her, but they say that they apple never falls far from the tree.

It is really Sad to read of these stories. My dd 9 is in special school, and the kids are not really into parties, think ASD, but ds 4 has just started reception and has already been invited to some whole class ones. I totally understand that kids can't be invited to all parties, but I would be really upset if he was one of the only ones not invited to a party, or one of the friends he likes the most did not invite him. Now that would really hurt.

MoreCoffeeNow · 20/09/2016 15:46

I said great, another party my DD was not invited to. Cue phone call from party boy's mother later to say she had found DD's invitation on the side at home. Yeah, right.

I can't believe you were that rude! How dare you make snarky remarks and guilt trip the poor woman into inviting your DD?

Awful behaviour.

Juliejelly1962 · 20/09/2016 15:49

My lad never got invited anywhere because the kids used to say he was odd. His autistic.

allowlsthinkalot · 20/09/2016 15:49

Last week a mum messaged me inviting my daughter to her daughter's party...then messaged me again in the evening to say "my dd says she confused your dd with someone else and doesn't actually want to invite her, I hope that isn't a problem."

WTAF.

Goldenhandshake · 20/09/2016 15:50

These stories are heartbreaking :(

DD has only had whole class parties, or strictly family events so far. However there is a little girl in her class whose family is JW, and she is not allowed to attend parties, accept the sweets the kids hand out on their birthdays etc. DD has told me the little girl is very upset about it, they are only 7 and it makes me feel awful. I have often sent DD in with chocolate etc a few days after her birthday for her to pass on, as it isn't confectionary to celebrate a birthday, she is then allowed to accept it.

Darthvadersmuuuum · 20/09/2016 15:50

We moved to a new area and DD wasn't invited to her new friend's party. Unfortunately, the party was on the same day as DD's and we had invited most of the same children. DD was upset as some couldn't come to her party, including the other birthday girl 😞

I decided to have a chat with the child's mum to explain the predicament. She was lovely about it and reassured me it wasn't personal-there we're number limits, and as DD was new she didn't know her (or me). We got over it and now I'm good friends with the other mum. I now feel rather Blush about being a lioness.

Parties are a minefield!

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 20/09/2016 15:57

MoreCoffeeNow

Not sure if you are being funny or serious?

Lemonlady22 · 20/09/2016 15:59

i used to worry about this....but got over it when my children all started secondary school and never had to see some of the awful mums ever again...now mine go nightclubbing on their birthdays !

Robin2008 · 20/09/2016 16:00

Yes I feel sad about it sometimes. Yanbu. You are only human and it's totally normal to fee sad. I try not to let it get to me but it does sometimes. I also try to do 'the right thing' and still invite the other child if my child really wants to have her/him. But I have told myself, 'I will do this once, but if it happens again next year, then not again'.

Biffsboys · 20/09/2016 16:03

I was at a party with my ds and one of the mum's was sitting telling me all about what she had organised for her ds birthday the following week ( a party for 25 ) - my son was not invited to . I really had to bite my tongue that day !

snowsuit · 20/09/2016 16:05

my DD had some issues in school last year and didn't get many party invites (long story). it just about broke my heart when someone would be handing them out before school and DD would be looking expectantly and excitedly at them, and then her face would fall when she didn't get one... awful. i have also had some real rudeness from one mum about it - don't want to go into it as it was genuinely quite upsetting. i feel a bit silly sometimes, but then i do take the attitude of doing what i can to make sure people's feelings aren't hurt, and i sometimes feel like other people don't really give a toss if DD is upset...

Nataleejah · 20/09/2016 16:07

DS1 was not invited to a few of his good friends' parties because of his behaviour at the time. And no, i did not feel sad. Actually the opposite -- that taught him a lesson. Sometimes 'it takes a village' to raise a child.
And myself i don't invite some children who behave appallingly.

SlowSwimmingMom · 20/09/2016 16:14

My DD has been excluded a few times, which I understand as these are often 'numbers' based parties - fair enough.
However it is when tactless other parents proceed to post party pictures on Facebook etc that annoys me. Id rather not know when her alleged closest friend has had a party that my DD wasn't invited to, and then find out about it on social media...