Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know this is bu. but do you feel sad if your child is not invited to a party?

218 replies

LardLizard · 19/09/2016 20:11

I know it's a bit pathetic really, but feel sorry for my nine tear old not invited to her friends party

I've tried to brush it off to dd, and said, oh well, maybe she's only allowed a certain number of children or something
And that you can't always go to everything
And that you can still be friends and still play together

But I think she feels pretty sad, maybe a realisation that this friend doesn't think of my dd as that much of a friend

I've suggested perhaps we do something nice on that particular day

Any other ideas how to help my dd feel less sad

I wouldn't ever actually do this, but I feel like not bothering to chat to the mum anymore

OP posts:
ButtonBoo · 20/09/2016 08:35

Thanks coffee. Her best friends are in other classes. I've tried to do a mix and have invited 5 new friends from her new class.

I think I'll definitely do a small gathering next year. Plus it means we don't get the massive influx of presents (that she really doesn't need!)

Bountybarsyuk · 20/09/2016 08:36

I am quite bemused at this thread, no, I don't really care so much when my dd's don't get invited to stuff. I sometimes wonder why, but I can't say I give it much thought and my children don't either. Both have had unpopular phases where they didn't get invites, and then a year in which they have had a few. One of mine had a friend who never used to bring presents to parties and never had one of her own, she had older grandparents caring for her and they didn't know what was expected, we always invited her, never an invite back, so what>

As someone said, if they never ever got invited and it was clearly because they were different in some way, I would be gutted. But as part of the ebb and flow of friendships, and the vaguaries of how people celebrate birthdays, no, I don't mind!

Also, no-one has practically suggested how you avoid this, other than whole class parties, or no parties. If you take 3 friends to the cinema, chances are there's a child on the periphery of the friendship group who will be upset, but I can't take every child to the cinema (I know someone who did invite the whole class to the cinema, which was amazing, there were about 17 kids in the end). I just set my limit, money-wise, and go with that number.

I think if you are gutted, your children will be gutted too. I have a good circle of friends, but they go out without me, sometimes have parties without me, meet up just the two of them- as well as doing lots of stuff with me involved. I don't get upset about it! We all like doing different things with different people sometimes. We are all quite fluid about this, and I think rigid friendship groups are very difficult at all ages.

Bountybarsyuk · 20/09/2016 08:38

Kerala that's my rule too, my dd bought presents for some girls in her class recently off her holiday, and there was a couple of girls she left out, and I told her it was buy all the girls something, or none. I do think you should avoid obvious active exclusion if you can, but some of the examples on here are just kids who didn't make the cut at a small party. That's perfectly acceptable to me and my children aren't bothered by it.

stealthsquiggle · 20/09/2016 08:51

I have to admit that I was quite glad when DD's list for this year's (less than half the girls) party didn't include the child who very pointedly excluded DD from her own party earlier this year. I swore to myself that I wouldn't interfere if DD did want to invite her, but I was relieved not to have to test that resolve.

KERALA1 · 20/09/2016 08:52

The one time we did invite all the girls the ones dd had nothing to do with and didn't really want there anyway were appallingly behaved. Dh was baffled as to why we had invited these awful children our own child didn't even like! Friends only after that.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 20/09/2016 09:12

I think for one party it isn't a problem but dd never makes it onto anyone's invite list and that does make me sad. Why wouldn't it? My child is not considered by anyone to be in their top x number of friends. It will really grate giving out invites to her party knowing that none of them like her enough to reciprocate. She is already planning her party for after Christmas. At least she will go to one this year.

Floggingmolly · 20/09/2016 09:12

wannabestressfree. The only shameful behaviour there was the hostess making it clear that you weren't invited Sad.

How could anybody normal look at a group of 6/7 year olds arriving at their door for a party and point at one of them saying "what are you doing here? You weren't invited!"?
Was she a bit mentally unwell?? Or just a vicious old trout?
Your mum should have called her on it, not made you feel like shit.

MiaowTheCat · 20/09/2016 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 20/09/2016 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlmaMartyr · 20/09/2016 09:51

Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes not. DS (6) gets invited to very few parties. He has SEN and in honesty, it's hard not to see that as the reason. Especially when I inadvertently hear the gossip about him Sad It does break my heart a bit but in fairness, he doesn't mention it so I certainly don't mention it to him. DD (8) does OK - she went through a spate of being lonely after a couple of good friends left the school. It was Year 3 as well, and quite a few kids were having similar problems. Her teacher told us that there were some issues in the class with friendships and did some work to sort it out.

Whole class parties were a 'thing' when I was at school - 32 now. I think though that it's mostly in Reception/year 1. I do know it's unreasonable of me to be quietly upset sometimes when DCs don't get invitations, but we can't always help our reactions. I never let on to either child.

InTheseFlipFlops · 20/09/2016 10:02

Mine has been invited to very few. It is hard, i talked to the teachers about friendships with him and he's friends with everyone so i just don't understand. He's not one of the 'football' boys but it still breaks my heart when its a big class invite thats not extended to him.
I do think a lot of it comes down to me, as I'm not someone that other mums talk to ive got used to being blanked.

cheapandcheerful · 20/09/2016 10:16

this thread has made me decide that she will never hand out party invitations at school

So how should we get the invitations to parents? My 5yo dd has a birthday coming up and we can't afford to invite everyone. I don't want to cause any upset but equally I want dd to have a party with her friends there!

Floggingmolly · 20/09/2016 10:22

Ask the teacher to discreetly put them in the book bags. There's no need to make a carnival of it.

Notso · 20/09/2016 10:24

I've never felt bad for my children have not being invited to something. I probably would if it was done to upset my child, as far as I know it never has and I think if someone is being that mean to them then there would more to be worrying about than birthday parties.

Notso · 20/09/2016 10:26

My children's school won't put invitations in book bags Flogging

cheapandcheerful · 20/09/2016 10:27

Ask the teacher to discreetly put them in the book bags.

As a teacher myself, I can honestly say this is one of the most annoying things! The teachers have a million and one other things to think about first thing in the morning without having to organise other people's social lives!!

youcannoteatconkers · 20/09/2016 10:38

I struggle with this. Dd has some sen and while lovely and kind and not nasty at all as a result has kids she spends time with but not really close friendships.

Most of the time she has been excuded due to low numbers allowed and not being the closest friends.

Twice it has been nasty. Dd was in a tiny school and every child but dd was invited to a party.

In secondary she was excluded from a sleepover in her friendship group (no issue with that) but they all rang her from the sleepover with what a good time they were having.

Bountybarsyuk · 20/09/2016 10:44

youcannot that last example is not excusable. I would really be having a word with my children if they were so tactless and excluding to others.

I think it's fine to have a small party, sometimes only one or two if money is tight, it's not fine to rub other people's faces in it. I used to take time off work and go in to give out invitations with my dds so that I could manage it a bit, no jumping up and down, just handing out preferably to parents at a busy time of day. The bottom line has to be consideration for others, within the bounds of not having a whole class party every time!

KERALA1 · 20/09/2016 13:31

Dds friends are all boys but she is quite girly and insisted on having an at home build a bear craft type party. With 10 post school excited 6 year old boys. Still getting flashbacks

Chattymummyhere · 20/09/2016 14:08

It doesn't bother me. DS invites a handful of kids to his parties or sometimes decides he doesn't want a party. Although my DD is having her first party this year (reception) so we are inviting the whole year (private hire job so makes no difference on numbers) however I guess it would be easy for one or two to be excluded if they join the class after then name sheets have gone out and this thread has got me to make a note to ask the teacher before we give out the invites.

Stresssed1968 · 20/09/2016 14:49

It's horrible and just gets worse when they are teenagers. My daughter is 15 and parties have started. She doesn't often get invited (not that she would like to go tbh - she's not ready), just simply to be invited would be nice. At this age it is even harder as they are watching the party unfold on snapchat, Instagram etc.

Letustryagain · 20/09/2016 14:55

It's horrible when that happens.

Luckily it hasn't happened to DD since she was in Reception (and it happened once) but I fear it happening again. DD is friends with everyone but not CLOSE friends with anyone. As they get older parties get smaller and they start having just one or two friends and that is when DD is going to start missing out. Although hopefully then there will be lots of others who are missing out too so she won't feel too bad,

However, because I feel guilty, I always make sure that the whole year group (small school classes of mixed years) are invited if it's a small party or the whole class if it's a disco/village hall type event.

Shame other parents aren't as thoughtful though really.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 15:09

This happened to my DD with a friend two years ago and again this year - party yet to happen. The mother has a lot to do with it. She's queen bee and only wants her DD to be friends with her friends' children and maintain her "popular" status. Angry. My DD was devastated, she was only 6 at the time. Last time I took dd to build a bear and bought her a treat - it cost more than the present would have but as I say she was devastated and only 6 and this came off the back of a bunch of snubs from this woman, which resulted in her child refusing to play with mine when they were inseparable in reception). This time DD is less devastated. If I find out when the party is, we will do something nice again.

Definitely treat your DD with love and care. Know that she is really precious and special.

I speak a lot with DD about how we can't control other people's behaviour. We can decide to treat people nicely, even sometimes when they've been mean to js and that's what's important. To be kind to oneself and others.

RachelHRD · 20/09/2016 15:13

The lack of tact of other parents of invitees can be outstandingly awful sometimes too. We were in town one Saturday morning last year when we bumped into the Mum of one of DS classmates. She asked DS, then 7, 'are you not at the party then?', uh no obviously not. She then put her whole other foot in her mouth by asking him if he was going to the party the following day, uh that will be a no too as not invited. How can people be so tactless?? Poor DS doesn't get many invites, and when he has had a few select friends for special birthday treats, cinema and burger etc, it really hurts when he doesn't get reciprocal invites, especially as he has ASD so is low on confidence 😯

0hCrepe · 20/09/2016 15:13

Yes but I think I was more bothered than dd! She went to a friend for Halloween (so not the only one left out) and I stayed home answering the door. A big group came- it was practically every girl from her class apart from dd and friend. When they'd gone I felt a bit sad for dd and thought it was quite mean for the parents to bring them to mine after she hadn't been invited. I made sure we were all out the following year.