I know this is bu. but do you feel sad if your child is not invited to a party?

[LardLizard]

I know it's a bit pathetic really, but feel sorry for my nine tear old not invited to her friends party

I've tried to brush it off to dd, and said, oh well, maybe she's only allowed a certain number of children or something
And that you can't always go to everything
And that you can still be friends and still play together

But I think she feels pretty sad, maybe a realisation that this friend doesn't think of my dd as that much of a friend

I've suggested perhaps we do something nice on that particular day

Any other ideas how to help my dd feel less sad

I wouldn't ever actually do this, but I feel like not bothering to chat to the mum anymore

I would be upset if all the girls in my dd's friendship group were invited bar her. Dd is generally invited to larger parties. Dd only invites core friends to her parties so it works both ways.

OF COURSE it breaks your heart.

The key thing though, is not to show that to the DC. The idea of giving them a fun (more fun) day is a great one.

My secret weapon? I have a (late) November-born DS. The weather's SHIT and it's dark early. She's going to be 15 this year, so it's different, but when she was younger EVERYONE came to her parties [whether they liked her or not], because the parents were so grateful to be shot of them for a couple of hours on a grim weekend.
And I gave GREAT parties. My crowning glory (when she was 5) was we did a "pyjama party" (come to the party wearing your pyjamas). I also did a FANTASTIC (sorry, boasting!) treasure hunt, with a sign on the front door (in pictures for the ones who couldn't read) saying "you'll see clues, but don't tell anyone" and then MASSIVE clues all around the inside of the door (cue kids nudging their mums and whispering "see that????").
DD got invites cos all the kids wanted to come to hers and all the parents wanted their DC to come to hers.

Manipulative? Yes. Did DD have amazing parties (not expensive, but with thought and planning)? Yes. And she remembers them now. The kids came, and she got invites back.

Maybe we're just lucky.

Maybe if she was August-born it wouldn't have worked.

But I do say to her now "I give GOOD party" and she agrees (and in most cases she thinks I'm rubbish, but she does know I can throw a party for her the kids want to come to).

And I NEVER excluded anyone if it was big and always made sure anyone important in her life was invited. Doing anything else is cruel. But I do also think it's your DCs special day, and they shouldn't have to invite anyone who makes their life a misery.

Not giving them out at school doesn't make all that much difference, in my experience. At the school I teach in we ask parents to email invites to other parents rather than bring them into school. Not all comply with this, especially as the children get older, but the majority do. The children still come in and talk about the parties before and after they happen though so the invites might as well have been given out tbh.

What's always made me feel better about these situations is to think about my own childhood. I didn't have any problems making lots of friends at school until I was about 12/13. Yet I can barely remember any of the parties I did go to, let alone the ones I wasn't invited to. I have no idea if I was aware of not being invited or not. If I was it evidently hasn't made an impact on me at all. Children forget. I think it's the parents that suffer more!

DD is 8 (y4) and had 1 party invite since starting school (I mean year reception, not going back 2 weeks ago).

I used to be upset but not anymore. You strangely get used to being avoided by the other kids and families.

I remember not being invited to a really fantastic party when I was 6/7 so I told my mum I was invited and had left the invite in my tray . Another friends dad took us all (was the eighties and my parents didn't drive) and the hosting parent was very clear I wasn't invited....
Apparently I was the talk of the staffroom. My mum still brings this story up of an example of my shamefulness....

I completely understand. The mindfulness part of me would say that you can't control it so accept it and move on. The other part feels very upset when this happens.

Deliberately excluding one child is horrible. But just having a small number and not being invited when you think your friendship is very close is also really hurtful.

Yabu. Not at all. I don't invite the whole class to our parties - you win some you lose some. My dds don't care at all and neither do I.

They waited in front of the queue of children waiting to be collected after school and put party hats on the invited children and not on the others with them all watching. FFS. angry So unkind.

That's awful

Kerala that only works though if you do win some as well as lose some. Can't remember when my ds was last invited to a party.

The party hats thing is appalling. Really appalling. So spiteful.

I actually sell remember how hurt I was when everyone in class was talking about a girls party and only two of us weren't invited. I remember some of them trying to sush the others when I was around. 30 years ago. I never knew why I wasn't invited. Still bugs me.

No. But then both ds's were invited to their close friends party's. Other people's parties they weren't so bothered about, or I explained that mum was limited to numbers.

I think giving out invites in school is fine, if done subtly.

I remember when I was about 8-9, I was the only girl not invited to a classmate's birthday party. I was heartbroken and cried so much my mum phoned the girl's mum. I never forgot the humiliation of my mum's intervention, although I know she meant well. I was ostracized for a time after that.

Aargh!! I am in the midst of this right now - giving out invitations to DDs 5th party. Please can someone suggest how to do this the right way? She's just started reception (yesterday). I can invite 20, so not the whole class. She went to preschool with a number of the children at her new school but they are spread across 4 reception classes. We also have 5 or 6 friends from outside of school who she wants to invite. We are therefore limits to who we can invite. Plus I barely know any of the new mums to do the discreet passing of the invite during drop off/pick up. I'm so worried about offending anyone or upsetting a child. What IS the best way to do this?? I honestly cant invite more than 20.

I never saw the attraction of whole class parties. I just had three or four close friends round, whose parents I knew and whose children were used to coming to my house for tea or the afternoon . That eliminated the need for parents to stay.
My DC's had great parties as I put a lot of thought into them, but didn't cost a fortune and were manageable.
There is so much angst about parties.

It would definitely upset me.

But I'd try to keep this in mind: I was rarely invited to parties when I was in primary school (was definitely not popular, and there was a clear hierarchy), and I don't recall getting upset about it. By the time I got the high school, or the later years of high school anyway, I was getting invited to more things (because teenagers tend to do open-invite type things, to everyone in the grade), and I often CHOSE not to go at that point. Things will change eventually.

But yep, still think it'd upset me, especially if my DD was upset about it.

button, a friend if mine worked around this by only inviting the girls of her class to a party (was early on in reception too). You would then have still places for the presents school friends and the other friends if you want to make it to 20.

What I was do: have a smaller party but only invite proper friends. No 5 year old needs a party with 20 kids coming.

Double post, but I also think it may not have upset me because often the other girls and boys from my little group of friends wouldn't be invited either. I don't think there were many parties that they were invited to that I also wasn't invited to.

A girl I was vaguely, but not really, friends with had a big party in Year 5 and invited everyone in the grade except two girls. These two girls, however, were known bullies and were even banned from playing on the netball teams because of their behaviour. In that circumstance, I think it's acceptable to exclude children.

Not everyone can always get an invitation. Parties are expensive and sometimes logistics mean that there is only room for a certain number.

This.

Both DSs are adults now but I can't remember this kind of angst when they were at school. I never did whole class parties but until they were 8 DSs had parties at home and could invite 11 guests. Their choice who they invited. Sometimes they were invited to other parties and, I'm sure, sometimes they weren't. I don't know about that, they weren't bothered and never mentioned other parties happening. Why would they expect to be invited to every party going?

I agree it's cruel to exclude one DC from a whole class party, obviously, but otherwise don't get why people are upset. I can't remember any other parent getting huffy with me because her DC wasn't invited, why would they? They are adults and understand space and financial restrictions and that not all DCs will be invited to every party. I certainly never got the hump if DSs weren't invited everywhere.

When they were older they were allowed to invite 3 friends for quite expensive "outings" rather than parties. They never said that it had caused problems in school but equally never complained if they weren't invited.

When I celebrate my birthday I do so with close friends. So did my DCs. It's the normal thing to do.

This is why I invite the whole class or don't have a party at all.
I think it's cruel to leave our children. Yes "it's life" but those poor left out kids having to sit in a class and listen to all the others saying what a great time they had... It breaks my heart.

Yanbu.

I took it as a personal insult & never spoke to the Mum again.

Exactly more coffee now
My DC's are late teens and whole class parties were unheard of. You just invited your close friends.

Wow I cannot believe the angst! Totally agree with morecoffeenow. If your child is never invited or yours is literally the only child excluded I agree that could be tough. Bit dear god I am not doing class parties in case a child my child barely registers and never plays with feels left out - sorry not happening.

My rule - either all of one sex or less than half of one sex, so more left out than are coming.

No I never did the whole class thing - not everyone needs to be invited, that's verging on the ridiculous. When you are excluding one or two children and sticking party hats on the invitees, then that's just shit.

Not party related but you've all reminded me of a complete cow that I went to primary school with. She was put out that I was good friends with another girl that she wanted all to herself so she went out of her way to make my life unpleasant. She would always leave me out of things, loudly and obviously exclude me from games and conversations, give out sweets/stickers just so she could not give me one. We did one of those Blue Peter Bring & Buy sales and she went out of her way to make sure I had the shittest jobs and the shittest stall.

I was very much a mouse and far too timid to say anything. I did eventually tell my mum and she told the school which I think got me more grief. It was horrible, definitely had a long lasting effect on my confidence and I wouldn't shed a tear if I heard she was run over by a bus all these years later.

Some people are just horrible.