Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To get frustrated with dh

60 replies

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 10:49

He is not straight talking and doesn't say what he thinks / needs / wants, just sort of does it or doesn't do it IYSWI. So I have to mind read the whole bloody time. He doesn't give straight responses and is scatty in his thinking, it drives me around the bend as it creates a lot of inconsistency.

Small example, we were cooking something that neither of has tried making before. Whilst I entertained the dc he rolled out the pastry, when I saw how thin he had made it, I said, "i think the recipe said it needed to be a bit thicker"... his response "i'm doing the best I can" cringe. Would this type of evasive response annoy you? He never listens or pays attention and constantly interrupts me mid sentence often with unrelated stuff.. it really stresses me as I end up distracted and ultimately confused and stresse. It's like there is no consistency, he jumps around in his thinking and doesn't follow through a thought or conversation. It has also an impact on the dc's routines as sometime he sees things through other times he doesn't, again not consistent.... grr

Arrg.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 10:50

and it feels passive aggressive or defensive. he is always defensive...

OP posts:

Topseyt · 18/09/2016 10:57

Same here, though at least mine doesn't cook. I dread to think what would happen if he did.

He will change the subject mid conversation and not let anyone know he has changed it. You just end up and when you get an answer on a subject you didn't think was under discussion.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/09/2016 11:02

Has he always been like this or is it something recent?
I went through a bit of a phase like this some years ago when really struggling with being let go from work. I didn't sleep or eat or think properly iyswim?

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/09/2016 11:06

I don't know, maybe he thought the pastry comment was a dig? I'm not saying you meant it that way at all, but maybe he saw it that way?

I can't comment on the rest of it. DP is a bit scatterbrained and there often isn't any logic to the order in which he does things (even though it all gets done eventually) but I generally ignore him and let him get on with it.

It might be different when we have DC though

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 11:08

Yes he has always had this. He is pretty great DH in most other ways but his communication style during normal everyday life (distracted, evasive, no straight answers as if on back foot) creates a lot of confusion for me and affects my mental well-being, I feel. No bloody straight answers. It's only if I sit him down and 'force' him to pay attention to something by making it clear that I am not happy that he will engage with a topic / what I'm saying etc. and when he does, he is great.

He also has a tendency to zone out. H eis stressed (at work) and obviously two young dc means we haven't go a lot of downtime. (no family help nearby).

He was raised to never offend so I believe he is tip toeing his whole life. I'd much prefer him saying "I want this", "I do not like that", "this works for me" "that doesn't work fro me" then I can work with that and respond to it but he never says what's what so I have to mind read, interpret etc.

The comment about the pastry (yes, it's great he actually helps with the cooking but still..) was silly, as i fi had doubted he's doing his best. still grrrrr

OP posts:

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 11:10

maybe he did interpret it as a dig, which I find annoying. it was just a pragmatic comment.

OP posts:

Gmbk · 18/09/2016 11:18

I would interpret that as a dig. If he's cooking, stop interfering and let him get on with it. It sounded like a criticism of him despite him trying his best.

That example sounds like he's trying to tell you in a nice way to back off. Why can't you let a grown man cook something by himself?

Maybe he thinks that you don't think he is trying hard enough generally? With comments like that I can see why.

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/09/2016 11:34

Sorry OP but I would see it as picking unnecessarily. If it's a bit thin, he'll learn and make it thicker next time. I hate it when I'm doing something and someone feels the need to comment on how it could be better!

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 11:38

Quite off the mark GM but thanks for offering another perspective anyway. We were cooking together, he did on part of it and I was going to do the next bit. It was a constrictive comment, I am not in the bait of belittling people, I wouldn't like being belittled or criticised myself. But saying "the recipe says the pastry needs to be a bit thicker" is hardly patronising... it's factual. If I'd said "the pastry needs to be thicker, you never read the recipe you are not much of a help, let me do it myself" then your post would be more accurate.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 11:39

I hear you Hermione point taken. Would it sound childish and defensive if I'd say he corrects me all the time?

OP posts:

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 11:40

sorry bold fail.... only hermione should have been bold...

OP posts:

NoFuchsGiven · 18/09/2016 11:43

What reply would you have liked?

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/09/2016 11:44

Not at all, I was just saying how I percieved your comment! But then again I'm a very stubborn person and I hate being told what to do It's not a good part of my personality though, I would rather do something myself and get it wrong than be told a better way!

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 11:51

Nofuchs good question and the answer is something like "ok we can try that with the next batch" or "let's see how these come out first" anything that actually referred to my comment as part of the collaborative cooking.... I am just fed up that his response throw me and are not really often related or relevant to what i say....it confuses me.

something like this. I didi't feel precious about the thickness of the pastry, I'm not a perfectionist with things like that.....

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 18/09/2016 11:51

I really can't see how your comment could be construed as a dig or as unnecessary picking. How does anyone manage in life .
Reminds me when I was putting up an Ikea wardrobe with my ex, I said I thought one of the sides had to be higher, he told me to stop criticising him. WTF?

VladmirsPoutine · 18/09/2016 11:53

But this is all besides the wider point of his inability to focus on a two-way conversation.

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 11:57

Thanks Vlad it does feel over sensitive or on the back foot.

He does drive me a bit crazy with his evasiveness, i think because I experience it as if he is not engaging and in a way he isn't engaging. Not just with me he is like that with everybody. when he does pay attention and focuses on the here and now and participates, he is a joy to have around, but often remains in his shell. maybe it's his way of coping with being nice to people ( he hasn't got a temper at all) he retreats into himself..

I don't mean to slag him off but it affects me.

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/09/2016 11:58

I think it depends if it's a one-off, or a pattern of behaviour, though. Rare comments are fine, but when someone comments on EVERYTHING you do, it can get a bit wearing.

I'm not saying the OP is like that, though! It's more of a general comment.

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 12:03

I agree with you vlad and will double check myself for excess negativity, that's good advice .

But the not giving straight answers and being a bit evasive is definitely a pattern on his behalf.

For example, he doesn't compromise.

It's either that he is fine with how I prefer thing and tags along, which is often the case or he really wants or doesn't want too do something or for something to happen and then he just either does it or refuses to do it, without actually ever making references to it. So he imposes his decisions but ignoring that he has made a decision.. it all sounds awkward writing down but is therapeutic nonetheless...

OP posts:

Original poster

Gentlegentler · 18/09/2016 12:04

gah, sorry that last comment in response to hermione I am loosing my mind

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/09/2016 12:06

I'm stressed reading your posts. You seem to have very firm and prescriptive ideas about how conversations should go. I'd find that stifling. Also, if you want honesty from someone who is inherently a people pleaser then simply saying you want 'bloody straight talking' doesn't cut it. Your communication styles are clashing. It isn't down to him alone to change that.

Take the baking example. You didn't need to comment at all. You could have just made the base thicker for the next batch. He took your comment as a criticism (as I would and as a few PPs would). He responded to that comment truthfully - he was making an effort. You somehow found that evasive (no idea why because it wasn't evasive).

If you want this impasse to change then you need to accept there will be work on both sides.

whoopiedoo · 18/09/2016 12:08

Mine is exactly the same OP! Drives me nuts!! It's got to the stage where I have to make sure tv is off and ask him to put down phone/ipad or whatever is in his hand and just listen to me otherwise he'll ask me about something I've told him about within minutes of telling me. I think mine has ADHD!

whoopiedoo · 18/09/2016 12:09

Within minutes of telling him (typo)

SeaCabbage · 18/09/2016 12:13

Can you give us another specific example? The baking one was a bit vague I thought.

Arcadia · 18/09/2016 12:14

I think I am like your OP! I am really touchy about feeling criticised and snap at DP if he comments on how I am doing something. I am also often distracted by my thoughts and suddenly start speaking about something without giving any context to DP. Stressed at work

Flip

1 2 3