To get frustrated with dh

[Gentlegentler]

He is not straight talking and doesn't say what he thinks / needs / wants, just sort of does it or doesn't do it IYSWI. So I have to mind read the whole bloody time. He doesn't give straight responses and is scatty in his thinking, it drives me around the bend as it creates a lot of inconsistency.

Small example, we were cooking something that neither of has tried making before. Whilst I entertained the dc he rolled out the pastry, when I saw how thin he had made it, I said, "i think the recipe said it needed to be a bit thicker"... his response "i'm doing the best I can" cringe. Would this type of evasive response annoy you? He never listens or pays attention and constantly interrupts me mid sentence often with unrelated stuff.. it really stresses me as I end up distracted and ultimately confused and stresse. It's like there is no consistency, he jumps around in his thinking and doesn't follow through a thought or conversation. It has also an impact on the dc's routines as sometime he sees things through other times he doesn't, again not consistent.... grr

Arrg.....

[NoFuchsGiven]

I have to agree with APlaceOnTheCouch by the way you are posting and the things you have said you sound quite complex.

I might be wrong but it reads like you have to/need to have a 5 minute conversation and analyse everything where your dh will just give a yes or no answer which is all that is actually needed?

Are you saying instead of your dh answering yes or no you want him to answer yes or no followed by his reasoning as to why he has answered that way?

[NoFuchsGiven]

I'm not even sure if what I wrote makes sense

[Arcadia]

I Also Ask questions then zone out as soon as the person starts responding

[Gentlegentler]

"Also, if you want honesty from someone who is inherently a people pleaser then simply saying you want 'bloody straight talking' doesn't cut it."
That's a good point but it does make things unnecessarily muddled at times.

"You seem to have very firm and prescriptive ideas about how conversations should go" I mentioned a couple of example of what I would have expected in response to another poster asking what I would have preferred him to say. I don't mind what he says as long as it is sort of relevant to what is being said in the conversation. Saying "i'm doing my best" is odd because I never said or assumed he wasn't, aren't we all doing our best most of the time? To me it's a way of saying don't comment on how I'm making the pastry in a slightly passive aggressive way.

I'll think of other example.

[Gentlegentler]

"Are you saying instead of your dh answering yes or no you want him to answer yes or no followed by his reasoning as to why he has answered that way?"

No!! I'd love for him to say "yes / no". That would be clear. Instead mostly he doesn't reply at all or says something so generic (evasive?) that it sounds unrelated.

[Sparkletastic]

It will inevitably stem from his upbringing. DH does this too as he has very overbearing and competitive parents. It's taken me years to beat it out of him support him in becoming more assertive and less passive aggressive.

[Gentlegentler]

other examples:

"DH, I'd love to do x, y, z. What do you think?"

DH: no reply, maybe vague nodding and often saying something unrelated again.... rather than "that sounds good" or "nahh, not for me". if that makes sense...

[Gentlegentler]

Spar I believe it is his upbringing, very "smart" family with dominant parents, all three children raised to never ever question or challenge parents.
I can see where it comes from but it all feels unnecessarily complicated

[pictish]

I think you're vague as well! I'm not getting any sense of what your issue is from your example. Sorry.

[Gentlegentler]

OK, I think the main issue is that his responses or feel like he hasn't either paid attention and says something unrelated or he is being p/a again saying something not quite related. What I am frustrated by is a clack of 'engaging'.

[Gentlegentler]

*lack! not clack

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Another one who is finding this all very vague.

Which is ironic given that you think your DH is the one with the evasiv/vagueness issue.

[TheLastHeatwave]

Frustrated?

Fuck, I'd had lovely veggies by now - all of that blood & bone underneath them.

Not answering you is inconsiderate & rude.

'I'm doing my best' to a comment that the recipe states the pastry of something you're cooking together, experimenting with, should be thicker is just so pathetic.

Making decisions then not telling you what he decision is?

FFS why are you putting up within this?

[AcrossthePond55]

^Spar I believe it is his upbringing, very "smart" family with dominant parents, all three children raised to never ever question or challenge parents.
I can see where it comes from but it all feels unnecessarily complicated^

I don't think it's necessarily that complicated really. He was raised to believe that his opinion is not valid. That he is not entitled to a 'say' in his life. He was raised to fear the reaction to his desires. And your frustration with that actually just reinforces his belief. I know it sounds as if someone saying 'Please just tell me what you want!' or 'I really want to know how you feel' should be a relief to him, but keeping his feelings down for fear of the reaction is deeply ingrained.

To a certain extent I understand him. I wasn't raised with 'dominant' parents per se, but I was raised with 'what will the neighbours think' as the primary motive behind any decision (as many children of the early 60s were). It really affects your ability to make a decision or challenge an opinion. It makes you tend to 'hang back' with your opinions or simply go along to avoid a fuss. And yes, there is a PA component to his reactions, but that's because it was the only way he has of 'voicing' (albeit silently/quietly) his feelings. To him, it's the equivalent of shouting "I bloody well will NOT".

What do you do? There really isn't much you can do, other than to not allow your frustrations to get the better of you and to let him know his opinions matter. He probably ought to seek counseling to learn to be more open about his wants and needs.

Listen, I don't want you to take this wrong and perhaps your post was written in frustration, but you do sound a bit hypercritical of his 'way' of doing things and perhaps you're a more decisive person. But to him, that probably sounds just like his parents. Criticism said out of love is still criticism to some people.

[Gentlegentler]

Great post Across food for thought.

[MaisieDotes]

"I'm doing my best" is something I say when I'm exasperated and exhausted, and someone comments negatively on what I'm doing.

I know that DH uses that phrase in the same way so if he says it, I immediately back off, because I know he isn't receptive to "helpful comments" just then.

[Gentlegentler]

Heatwave that is how I feel.

[Gentlegentler]

" know that DH uses that phrase in the same way so if he says it, I immediately back off, because I know he isn't receptive to "helpful comments" just then."

I'll try this.

[MaisieDotes]

I was also brought up by a dominant parent, as across describes.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Across is right but I think that you are also reinforcing the pattern he learnt with his parents because at some level, you are saying the way he communicates isn't 'good enough'; it's 'evasive'; it's passive aggressive.

You would both have to attend counselling to learn how to communicate effectively because your frustration isn't going to encourage him to be honest or move away from people pleasing.

Further if you were drawn to him because he is a people pleaser then there may be a deep-seated fear that changing that dynamic will adversely impact on the relationship.

[Wellthatsit]

OP, I understand where you are coming from and have a DH who is very similar. Asks questions but doesn't listen to the answer. Answers the question he wants me to have asked and not the questions I did ask. Doesn't answer at all. Says yes but then doesn't do it. Immediately forgets what he has just said. Very defensive when I am just trying to be practical with cimments etc etc.

I am a very analytical, detailed person so find it very frustrating and it feels disrespectful.

I have read up on passive aggression and believe it boils down to that. And is stems from upbringing and finding it difficult to express anger or be assertive. My DH is a people pleaser for sure.

I think part of MY problem is that I sometimes actually want him to take charge and take responsibility so that I don't have to. I end up being a bit picky and dogged in conversations because I hate the fact I have to mind read, and want him to come across as sorted and self assured, instead of vague and confused. It sounds line that's what ypu would want to.

[Gentlegentler]

"I am a very analytical, detailed person"
I think I am as well.

[Gentlegentler]

"I think part of MY problem is that I sometimes actually want him to take charge and take responsibility so that I don't have to."
sorry just read that bit, this is exactly how I feel. thanks.

[Gentlegentler]

Wel how do you generally handle this in day-to-day communications? Do you get frustrated? Do you show it? Or are you quite able to accept him as he is... ?

[OrchidsAndLace]

OP, I get where you're coming from but in all honesty I would have found the pastry comment really irritating and a bit belittling as well. I think a lot of people would (I'm not saying that's how you meant it!). I also used to find it exhausting when exDH wanted to constantly discuss and analyse every little detail of everything, to the point where I would be thinking "FFS just SHUT UP".

I think what you're dealing with is an innocent (if that's the right word) difference in communication styles. By innocent I mean neither of you is doing it on purpose to annoy each other, you just genuinely have a clash of styles. Some people are very forthright, say what they mean etc. Others are less direct and tend to bite their tongues. Naturally both types think they are right...the forthright ones argue that blunt comments are simply practical and everyone should take it as a helpful remark and not criticism...the less-forthright believe it's better to be more diplomatic and avoid hurting other people's feelings.

I don't think either is right or wrong, it's just a different way of interpreting things. I'm 100% sure you didn't mean the pastry remark in a critical way. I'm equally sure it sounded to your DH like you were saying he was doing it all wrong / was incompetent, hence his irritable response.

Were he and you both always like this? Was it always an issue or has it only recently become one? Have you ever actually talked about it?