To get frustrated with dh

[Gentlegentler]

He is not straight talking and doesn't say what he thinks / needs / wants, just sort of does it or doesn't do it IYSWI. So I have to mind read the whole bloody time. He doesn't give straight responses and is scatty in his thinking, it drives me around the bend as it creates a lot of inconsistency.

Small example, we were cooking something that neither of has tried making before. Whilst I entertained the dc he rolled out the pastry, when I saw how thin he had made it, I said, "i think the recipe said it needed to be a bit thicker"... his response "i'm doing the best I can" cringe. Would this type of evasive response annoy you? He never listens or pays attention and constantly interrupts me mid sentence often with unrelated stuff.. it really stresses me as I end up distracted and ultimately confused and stresse. It's like there is no consistency, he jumps around in his thinking and doesn't follow through a thought or conversation. It has also an impact on the dc's routines as sometime he sees things through other times he doesn't, again not consistent.... grr

Arrg.....

[Wriggler79]

I've got ADHD and the zoning out, random interrupting and so on is what I do all the time. Have a look at a list of ADHD traits and see if it matches up. It all sounds very familiar!

[Wellthatsit]

One thing my DH says us that he finds it very difficult to talk about his feelings. When he was younger, he simply didn't know what those feelings were - he couldn't access them. Now, older and wiser, he does know when he feels uncomfortable etc but really hates analysing it or going too deep. I guess it's a learned behaviour, suppressing anything uncomfortable.

I am very uncomfortable with uncertainty.

It's a tricky combination.

[JellyBelli]

He sounds overly defensive and that is wearing to live with. Can you suggest CBT for both of you to talk about communication?

[OrchidsAndLace]

Thanks Gm :)

I agree with Well, it'll take work on both sides but in a way that's perhaps one of the things that makes a good relationship - when the relationship makes both people grow and change.

[oldsilver]

...that's any comment of his is a criticism of me.

[oldsilver]

I am your DH, well not really but very similar in styles. Sometimes I take a long time to answer as I am trying to formulate a reply that may be a negative but I am not sure how to do it in your "prescribed" manner.

Sometimes a simple no does not work with DP as I have to explain why and it is not the answer or style he (and it appears the same as you) wants - my words get stuck and I go off on a tangent. Believe me I am perfectly eloquent at other times.

Yes to dominent parents and being a people pleaser. The pastry comment would remind me of the way I was spoken too growing up and would make me defensive, also think that you are not my parent - why are you speaking to me that way?

DP and I have worked on both our communicating styles over the years and to be honest it is him that has worked on his approach more and as such I am able to answer direct questions without thinking that any simple comment is a criticism.

Strangely enough I am learning how to be angry which for many years I did not think I was allowed able.

[Wellthatsit]

Sorry for disappearing. In answer to your question OP, I don't always handle it very well. Sometimes I nit pick, sometimes I get cross, sometime I get sarcastic "I'll just guess the answer then shall I?"

It has been a source of conflict for sure.

But I think Orchid is correct that it is a mismatch of communication styles.

We have worked hard to improve - both of us. He does try some of the time. I can tell because the way he speaks sounds weird when he is trying to 'communicate clearly'.

For my part I try to remind myself that he isn't setting out to be annoying. And my style of talking annoys him, too.

Being very analytical can make me controlling - I have it all worked out and want other people to fall in line - and I find it stressful when things are vague or done badly. It's hard, but one of things I try to do is just make decisions and get on with things rather than wait for him to discuss it and 'see the light'.

And I am learning to not get involved if he is doing something that doesn't really directly affect me (although mostrich thin gs indirectly affect the whole family). I try to be a bit more hands off even though I want to sort thing or plan things better etc.

We have been together a long time - 25 years - and I am only just learning.

YourDH is unlikely to fundamentally change so you have to change how you react. But you could try to figure out a style of talking that is less confrontational.

You have my sympathies.

[Believeitornot]

The pastry example doesn't actually back up your complaint. It just shows you to be criticising him especially if he's not made it before.
I wouldn't have liked it.

If he doesn't listen then tell him that you don't feel listened to and tell him how to listen. Eg looking at you and stop doing what he's doing (provided it's convenient to him of course - he might be busy!).

[Kleinzeit]

DH and I resolve that kind of cooking-together issue by having separate areas of responsibility. One or other of us cooks. We do not interfere with each other except to say “mm that smells good” When we do work together we are careful about criticising each other because we are both a bit touchy.

"DH, I'd love to do x, y, z. What do you think?"

“What do you think?” is a very vague question. What is it that you actually want to know? Ask that instead. “Would you enjoy doing x,y,z?” is one kind of question. “Is it OK if we all do x,y,z on Sunday?” is a different kind. And "please could you organise for us to do x,y,z sometime soon?" is a different question again. He shouldn’t have to guess your question as well as the answer.

Sounds as if you need to work together to improve your communication.

[Gmbk]

Great post orchids.

[OrchidsAndLace]

OP, I get where you're coming from but in all honesty I would have found the pastry comment really irritating and a bit belittling as well. I think a lot of people would (I'm not saying that's how you meant it!). I also used to find it exhausting when exDH wanted to constantly discuss and analyse every little detail of everything, to the point where I would be thinking "FFS just SHUT UP".

I think what you're dealing with is an innocent (if that's the right word) difference in communication styles. By innocent I mean neither of you is doing it on purpose to annoy each other, you just genuinely have a clash of styles. Some people are very forthright, say what they mean etc. Others are less direct and tend to bite their tongues. Naturally both types think they are right...the forthright ones argue that blunt comments are simply practical and everyone should take it as a helpful remark and not criticism...the less-forthright believe it's better to be more diplomatic and avoid hurting other people's feelings.

I don't think either is right or wrong, it's just a different way of interpreting things. I'm 100% sure you didn't mean the pastry remark in a critical way. I'm equally sure it sounded to your DH like you were saying he was doing it all wrong / was incompetent, hence his irritable response.

Were he and you both always like this? Was it always an issue or has it only recently become one? Have you ever actually talked about it?

[Gentlegentler]

Wel how do you generally handle this in day-to-day communications? Do you get frustrated? Do you show it? Or are you quite able to accept him as he is... ?

[Gentlegentler]

"I think part of MY problem is that I sometimes actually want him to take charge and take responsibility so that I don't have to."
sorry just read that bit, this is exactly how I feel. thanks.

[Gentlegentler]

"I am a very analytical, detailed person"
I think I am as well.

[Wellthatsit]

OP, I understand where you are coming from and have a DH who is very similar. Asks questions but doesn't listen to the answer. Answers the question he wants me to have asked and not the questions I did ask. Doesn't answer at all. Says yes but then doesn't do it. Immediately forgets what he has just said. Very defensive when I am just trying to be practical with cimments etc etc.

I am a very analytical, detailed person so find it very frustrating and it feels disrespectful.

I have read up on passive aggression and believe it boils down to that. And is stems from upbringing and finding it difficult to express anger or be assertive. My DH is a people pleaser for sure.

I think part of MY problem is that I sometimes actually want him to take charge and take responsibility so that I don't have to. I end up being a bit picky and dogged in conversations because I hate the fact I have to mind read, and want him to come across as sorted and self assured, instead of vague and confused. It sounds line that's what ypu would want to.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Across is right but I think that you are also reinforcing the pattern he learnt with his parents because at some level, you are saying the way he communicates isn't 'good enough'; it's 'evasive'; it's passive aggressive.

You would both have to attend counselling to learn how to communicate effectively because your frustration isn't going to encourage him to be honest or move away from people pleasing.

Further if you were drawn to him because he is a people pleaser then there may be a deep-seated fear that changing that dynamic will adversely impact on the relationship.

[MaisieDotes]

I was also brought up by a dominant parent, as across describes.

[Gentlegentler]

" know that DH uses that phrase in the same way so if he says it, I immediately back off, because I know he isn't receptive to "helpful comments" just then."

I'll try this.

[Gentlegentler]

Heatwave that is how I feel.

[MaisieDotes]

"I'm doing my best" is something I say when I'm exasperated and exhausted, and someone comments negatively on what I'm doing.

I know that DH uses that phrase in the same way so if he says it, I immediately back off, because I know he isn't receptive to "helpful comments" just then.

[Gentlegentler]

Great post Across food for thought.

[AcrossthePond55]

^Spar I believe it is his upbringing, very "smart" family with dominant parents, all three children raised to never ever question or challenge parents.
I can see where it comes from but it all feels unnecessarily complicated^

I don't think it's necessarily that complicated really. He was raised to believe that his opinion is not valid. That he is not entitled to a 'say' in his life. He was raised to fear the reaction to his desires. And your frustration with that actually just reinforces his belief. I know it sounds as if someone saying 'Please just tell me what you want!' or 'I really want to know how you feel' should be a relief to him, but keeping his feelings down for fear of the reaction is deeply ingrained.

To a certain extent I understand him. I wasn't raised with 'dominant' parents per se, but I was raised with 'what will the neighbours think' as the primary motive behind any decision (as many children of the early 60s were). It really affects your ability to make a decision or challenge an opinion. It makes you tend to 'hang back' with your opinions or simply go along to avoid a fuss. And yes, there is a PA component to his reactions, but that's because it was the only way he has of 'voicing' (albeit silently/quietly) his feelings. To him, it's the equivalent of shouting "I bloody well will NOT".

What do you do? There really isn't much you can do, other than to not allow your frustrations to get the better of you and to let him know his opinions matter. He probably ought to seek counseling to learn to be more open about his wants and needs.

Listen, I don't want you to take this wrong and perhaps your post was written in frustration, but you do sound a bit hypercritical of his 'way' of doing things and perhaps you're a more decisive person. But to him, that probably sounds just like his parents. Criticism said out of love is still criticism to some people.

[TheLastHeatwave]

Frustrated?

Fuck, I'd had lovely veggies by now - all of that blood & bone underneath them.

Not answering you is inconsiderate & rude.

'I'm doing my best' to a comment that the recipe states the pastry of something you're cooking together, experimenting with, should be thicker is just so pathetic.

Making decisions then not telling you what he decision is?

FFS why are you putting up within this?

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Another one who is finding this all very vague.

Which is ironic given that you think your DH is the one with the evasiv/vagueness issue.

[Gentlegentler]

*lack! not clack