To get frustrated with dh

[Gentlegentler]

He is not straight talking and doesn't say what he thinks / needs / wants, just sort of does it or doesn't do it IYSWI. So I have to mind read the whole bloody time. He doesn't give straight responses and is scatty in his thinking, it drives me around the bend as it creates a lot of inconsistency.

Small example, we were cooking something that neither of has tried making before. Whilst I entertained the dc he rolled out the pastry, when I saw how thin he had made it, I said, "i think the recipe said it needed to be a bit thicker"... his response "i'm doing the best I can" cringe. Would this type of evasive response annoy you? He never listens or pays attention and constantly interrupts me mid sentence often with unrelated stuff.. it really stresses me as I end up distracted and ultimately confused and stresse. It's like there is no consistency, he jumps around in his thinking and doesn't follow through a thought or conversation. It has also an impact on the dc's routines as sometime he sees things through other times he doesn't, again not consistent.... grr

Arrg.....

[Gmbk]

Great post orchids.

[Kleinzeit]

DH and I resolve that kind of cooking-together issue by having separate areas of responsibility. One or other of us cooks. We do not interfere with each other except to say “mm that smells good” When we do work together we are careful about criticising each other because we are both a bit touchy.

"DH, I'd love to do x, y, z. What do you think?"

“What do you think?” is a very vague question. What is it that you actually want to know? Ask that instead. “Would you enjoy doing x,y,z?” is one kind of question. “Is it OK if we all do x,y,z on Sunday?” is a different kind. And "please could you organise for us to do x,y,z sometime soon?" is a different question again. He shouldn’t have to guess your question as well as the answer.

Sounds as if you need to work together to improve your communication.

[Believeitornot]

The pastry example doesn't actually back up your complaint. It just shows you to be criticising him especially if he's not made it before.
I wouldn't have liked it.

If he doesn't listen then tell him that you don't feel listened to and tell him how to listen. Eg looking at you and stop doing what he's doing (provided it's convenient to him of course - he might be busy!).

[Wellthatsit]

Sorry for disappearing. In answer to your question OP, I don't always handle it very well. Sometimes I nit pick, sometimes I get cross, sometime I get sarcastic "I'll just guess the answer then shall I?"

It has been a source of conflict for sure.

But I think Orchid is correct that it is a mismatch of communication styles.

We have worked hard to improve - both of us. He does try some of the time. I can tell because the way he speaks sounds weird when he is trying to 'communicate clearly'.

For my part I try to remind myself that he isn't setting out to be annoying. And my style of talking annoys him, too.

Being very analytical can make me controlling - I have it all worked out and want other people to fall in line - and I find it stressful when things are vague or done badly. It's hard, but one of things I try to do is just make decisions and get on with things rather than wait for him to discuss it and 'see the light'.

And I am learning to not get involved if he is doing something that doesn't really directly affect me (although mostrich thin gs indirectly affect the whole family). I try to be a bit more hands off even though I want to sort thing or plan things better etc.

We have been together a long time - 25 years - and I am only just learning.

YourDH is unlikely to fundamentally change so you have to change how you react. But you could try to figure out a style of talking that is less confrontational.

You have my sympathies.

[oldsilver]

I am your DH, well not really but very similar in styles. Sometimes I take a long time to answer as I am trying to formulate a reply that may be a negative but I am not sure how to do it in your "prescribed" manner.

Sometimes a simple no does not work with DP as I have to explain why and it is not the answer or style he (and it appears the same as you) wants - my words get stuck and I go off on a tangent. Believe me I am perfectly eloquent at other times.

Yes to dominent parents and being a people pleaser. The pastry comment would remind me of the way I was spoken too growing up and would make me defensive, also think that you are not my parent - why are you speaking to me that way?

DP and I have worked on both our communicating styles over the years and to be honest it is him that has worked on his approach more and as such I am able to answer direct questions without thinking that any simple comment is a criticism.

Strangely enough I am learning how to be angry which for many years I did not think I was allowed able.

[oldsilver]

...that's any comment of his is a criticism of me.

[OrchidsAndLace]

Thanks Gm :)

I agree with Well, it'll take work on both sides but in a way that's perhaps one of the things that makes a good relationship - when the relationship makes both people grow and change.

[JellyBelli]

He sounds overly defensive and that is wearing to live with. Can you suggest CBT for both of you to talk about communication?

[Wellthatsit]

One thing my DH says us that he finds it very difficult to talk about his feelings. When he was younger, he simply didn't know what those feelings were - he couldn't access them. Now, older and wiser, he does know when he feels uncomfortable etc but really hates analysing it or going too deep. I guess it's a learned behaviour, suppressing anything uncomfortable.

I am very uncomfortable with uncertainty.

It's a tricky combination.

[Wriggler79]

I've got ADHD and the zoning out, random interrupting and so on is what I do all the time. Have a look at a list of ADHD traits and see if it matches up. It all sounds very familiar!