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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate it when men 'joke' like this.

647 replies

KindergartenKop · 17/09/2016 19:29

Maybe it's not always men but I've never experienced a woman who has done this.

So today I took DS1 to a charity shop. He picked two books at 50p each. I gave Ds a pound coin. The man at the till took the books and said, 'That's four pounds please'. Ds looked worried and the man said 'Only joking, it's one pound'. We paid and left.
I've had people say this sort of thing to me so often and it always beffuddles me and makes me feel stupid. Am I the only person who attracts this form of idiocy? Aibu to be pissed off that this man worried my son? It's not fucking funny!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 20/09/2016 09:58

And vice versa

Gottagetmoving · 20/09/2016 10:06

Anxiety is extremely common and it's not a case of 'just sucking it up' or 'teaching your kids to be resilient.' What are you missing out on by choosing not to mislead someone in a conversation

I suffered extreme anxiety a long time ago, for a long time.
I would not have wanted everyone to change who they were for fear of causing me some stress. Part of recovering was having to deal with those issues because they are part of everyday life.
Misleading by teasing is not 'bad' - Misleading to deliberately cause suffering or to con people, is bad.

Ego147 · 20/09/2016 10:10

navyandwhite

I'm sorry for your loss - and I can see that your DCs have been taught to understand that what people say to them is not as awful as what they've been through.

This particular example is not - IMO - bullying. Or traumatic. It's just a pointless comment made to a young child. I don't get why someone feels the need to do it.

But on the wider point - there are people who do make jokes at the expense of others. Personal jokes, put downs etc. It is a useful discussion on how people handle them - and it's so easy to say 'sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me'. Words can hurt - and it's not easy to tell yourself they don't matter.

This particular case is NOT like that. It's just someone trying to be 'funny' but failing completely.

AGruffaloCrumble · 20/09/2016 10:17

Gotta I have more than just straight forward anxiety and just because you healed that way doesn't mean others will. I never will, alongside many other people so you can't tell me what will or won't help. What are you missing out on by picking a different type of humour? I'm not asking anyone to change to be honest, I'm pointing out that not everyone is equipped to deal with perceived sudden changes in circumstances.

NavyandWhite · 20/09/2016 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 20/09/2016 10:33

I have more than just straight forward anxiety and just because you healed that way doesn't mean others will. I never will, alongside many other people so you can't tell me what will or won't help. What are you missing out on by picking a different type of humour? I'm not asking anyone to change to be honest, I'm pointing out that not everyone is equipped to deal with perceived sudden changes in circumstances

Everybody's humour is different Agruffalo It is not something that can just change? We don't really choose it.
There are people who are well loved for their teasing and it is may be appreciated by many, so are we to expect them to choose differently?
The most you can expect is that they don't share that humour with people they don't know?

AGruffaloCrumble · 20/09/2016 10:38

Again I say I'm not asking anyone to change to be honest, I'm pointing out that not everyone is equipped to deal with perceived sudden changes in circumstances

CancellyMcChequeface · 20/09/2016 11:05

Gruffalo I completely agree with you.

Part of how I deal with social situations is through mentally rehearsing, and I had to do it a lot more as a teenager and young adult. 'Get on the bus, pay £1' would be something I'd have to tell myself in advance. If the bus driver told me it was £100, I'd understand that it was a joke, and smile. It wouldn't bother or annoy me at all. If he said £3, I'd be confused, and try to pay £3, assuming I was wrong about the fare. The idea of £3 being a joke would make no logical sense to me. Today, it'd make me uncomfortable. A decade ago, it might have stopped me from getting on a bus again, because it was proof that social interaction with strangers was confusing and unpredictable.

Yes, I'm sensitive. I can't interpret social cues and I'm distressed by 'teasing.' The trouble is that no amount of telling me to be less sensitive, toughen up, or anything like that would have made one bit of difference, it would have just highlighted that I was less capable of functioning in society than others - and actually made it more difficult for me to try to overcome that. It was only through having success in small social situations that I was able to build my confidence.

I know that most people wouldn't react like me, but you can't tell who has ASD, anxiety, or any other difficulty just by looking at them.

I'm not talking about people joking with their children, other family members or friends - you know the people close to you and whether this type of teasing is something that they'll find funny and not be bothered by. It just seems courteous to me to not do it to complete strangers.

Ego147 · 20/09/2016 11:11

Mentally rehearsing. Oh yes.

I have got over my speech impediment now. But when I was young, I always got very anxious about interactions with strangers - especially when I was buying something such as a bus ticket. If the bus driver decided to 'joke' about the destination or the price, I don't know what that would have done. They hopefully wouldn't have joked about my speech impediment - but it would have put me off my stride when I had planned the interaction out mentally.

AGruffaloCrumble · 20/09/2016 11:20

I said earlier on in the thread I probably wouldn't be able to step foot in the shop again as I would be distraught that I'd have humiliated myself. Cancel I understand completely, it's like living in a prison in my own head sometimes and being referred to as a 'special snowflake' and being told to toughen up just fuels my own self loathing for not being normal. I just think people need to be aware this is more common that they think, that one change in script and routine can leave people literally wanting to bang their heads against brick walls.

Ego147 · 20/09/2016 11:25

agruffalo

I don't think it's much to expect a normal business like professional interaction when dealing with a stranger. Even if the customer is a young child.

As people have said, I don't think the salespeople who say 'funny' things like this service is £1000 would say that to a 6ft well built bloke, would they?

AGruffaloCrumble · 20/09/2016 11:29

I agree Ego. I have worked in customer facing roles for all of my life, I've never made a joke like this and would never, but maybe that's because I'm aware of the effect it can have.

Stormtreader · 20/09/2016 11:38

So yes, these jokes are not the worse thing that will ever happen to someone, but they make a lot of peoples lives just a bit more unpleasant. Why do that? Why refer to them "making people toughen up" as if thats a good thing in general?

We could have used all these arguments for things like men pinching womens bottoms - that used to be a normal thing that women had to put up with, and any complaints were probably met with the same argument "God love, lighten up! It's just a bit of fun, why do you have to be so uptight about it!". Whats the difference?

chinlo · 20/09/2016 11:38

it's like living in a prison in my own head sometimes and being referred to as a 'special snowflake' and being told to toughen up just fuels my own self loathing for not being normal

I don't want to be intrusive, but don't you think that making a fuss of bad jokes when a child is 4, like the OP is doing, could be something that potentially leads to children developing these anxieties as they grow up? Overreaction to a totally normal social situation when a child is so young is more likely to damage them than them simply not understanding the joke, in my opinion.

I mean, maybe if more parents brushed it off and said "he's just trying to be funny, don't worry about it", more children would learn to brush it off too.

AGruffaloCrumble · 20/09/2016 11:43

chinlo I agree, I never said I didn't. I would say the same to my children. But that doesn't change the fact that it would give me an internal melt down but I would try to not show that to my children. As an aside, I don't think any kind of parenting would change the way I am.

Ego147 · 20/09/2016 11:45

I don't want to be intrusive, but don't you think that making a fuss of bad jokes when a child is 4, like the OP is doing

The OP hasn't made a fuss - and I don't think she;'s been worrying her child. I think she is just asking why someone feels the need to say something like this to a customer in a normal, social interaction.

chinlo · 20/09/2016 11:50

Well, the OP has made a thread about it, so clearly she didn't brush it off.

But yes, I suppose it's mostly been other posters making the big fuss.

BananaThePoet · 20/09/2016 11:52

So if there are children having terrible things happening to them, feasibly some of those children then go out to a shop and on top of the terrible things happening to them they are made to feel crap by some adult making a joke at their expense.

You can't tell by looking who is having an awful time.

People don't have labels on them so you can easily see which person you are about to push over the edge.

So if your 'joke' is not that important why is your whim to 'have a laugh' more important than somebody else's feelings when you have no idea what harm you may do?

Is being careful about hurting someone else's feelings so difficult that it will destroy your life NOT to make that weak joke?

And if you are a person who 'doesn't intend any harm' by your little joke - why would you get defensive and argumentative about being told by someone that those little jokes are not harmless?

Surely a reasonable person would be glad to be given the information that allows them to avoid hurting someone's feelings?

And if another person's feelings are completely unimportant to you then why are you making a joke with them? If you don't care whether you hurt them why would you care if you amuse them?

Or is it all about you?

Why is it so often that the person hurt is told to 'suck it up' and get tougher but the person doing the hurting doesn't get told to change their ways and learn not to be upsetting to others?

As for somebody being neurodivergent and that being the reason for them making the unfunny joke - it is perfectly fine to tell someone who isn't NT that their joke is not funny and that if repeated to other people may well upset them and please can they not do that any more.

If someone punched you in the face thinking it might be funny because they didn't understand it would hurt - the excuse they didn't intend it to hurt would not hold water.
You would tell them it hurt and explain why they shouldn't do it again.
I don't see why emotional hurt is treated differently.

Ego147 · 20/09/2016 11:52

Well, the OP has made a thread about it, so clearly she didn't brush it off

She's just asking why people do this kind of thing. Which is fair enough.

Ego147 · 20/09/2016 11:56

banana

Your post reminded me of this.Data from Star Trek tries to be funny.

chinlo · 20/09/2016 12:01

making a joke at their expense

Once again, this is not a joke at the child's expense.

Is being careful about hurting someone else's feelings so difficult that it will destroy your life NOT to make that weak joke?

99% of people would not be hurt by this joke. And 99% of people also would not even realise that this joke had the potential to offend 1% of people. I certainly wouldn't have before reading this thread!!

NavyandWhite · 20/09/2016 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confusednotcom · 20/09/2016 12:10

Some people are twats and have a twattish sense of humour and probably don't consciously realise they could be causing upset, esp if their family MO is this sort of low grade piss taking.
It's not funny to baffle a four year old - or anyone who won't get the joke - even if the intention is to make the parent laugh, which I expect was the case, as it's a joke at the child's expense.
Not unreasonable to wish there had been someone kind serving they day who'd just said oh what lovely books, do you like (whatever they're about)? Or something. Much more helpful.
Maybe the guy has interpersonal issues of his own.

Confusednotcom · 20/09/2016 12:13

my kids would have asked Mummy why did the man say it was £4 when it was only £1?
How would you answer that? It's a joke?

FullTimeYummy · 20/09/2016 12:17

I'm just waiting for somebody to compare this joke to rape and I think we're done.

Any takers?